I'm trying to figure something out. My husband only criticizes and answers me in the negative. He blurts out embarrassing things or decides the time to air out his grievances is in front of our neighbours and friends. Sometimes he just ignores me and doesn't answer me when I speak to him. He has gone so far to tell me that it is a lack of sex (we have sex 1-2 times per week) that puts him in a bad mood so it is all therefore my fault. He loses things, blames me for it, and when I can clearly explain how he lost it and where he had it last he doesn't apologize or take responsibility. He instigates fights with me any time I spend time with family and friends so I have noticed myself avoid them. I am starting to feel anxious and depressed and want to avoid going home after work. We have kids. I don't want to lose him, our lifestyle, or have our kids not grow up with a dad around...at the same time his ADHD is coming across like emotional abuse and is hurting me. We are seeing a counselor, but I am not sure he will be able to change and I know even if he can put some of this in check it will continue to bubble up from time to time. Should I leave him now in my 30s with lots of life ahead and a chance at something better?
emotional abuse?
Submitted by Tasher on 11/16/2016.
To be short- yes it is
Submitted by waldewin on
To be short- yes it is emotional abuse. It is probably not the worst kind, but blaming you for his problems is a serious matter. Have you tried talking to him and telling him that he seems to put responsibility on his issues on you? It seems that you are not particularly hopeful about the counselor being able to change him. In my mind you need to decide if you want to work on the relationship or not, because counseling can do very little if you have already decided to leave. On the other hand individual counseling can help you clear you mind and analyze your various feelings towards him. It is difficult, I know. Sometimes we can have very different emotions towards someone and verge in indecision quite a long time.
Thank You ..........Waldewin Adding Into What You Said
Submitted by kellyj on
Waldewin.....Thanks for speaking directly about counseling in terms of....who should actually be going and what you can expect from someone else in the same predicament with you ie: couples vs individual counseling and whether or not it will work?
What you said here I agree with whole heartedly...."because counseling can do very little if you have already decided to leave. On the other hand individual counseling can help you clear you mind and analyze your various feelings towards him. It is difficult, I know. Sometimes we can have very different emotions towards someone and verge in indecision quite a long time."
And yes....it is emotional abuse...plain and simple. But as you said.....probably not the worst kind if you want to put this into perspective. None the less....the effect this can have on you in the long run can be a serious matter ( for you the person experiencing it ) because of the chipping away effect that takes place over time?
Tasher's question about the future and something better? Better than what? That's the million dollar question? It is a fair question to ask and I think it is a good thing for Tasher to answer this for herself. You are right.....it has less to do with whether it will do any good for the person you are with? Only one person knows the answer to that question and that's that person themselves?
Speaking to Tasher now. I can honestly say that therapy was the thing that made the difference for me and mainly it had to do with the very thing you are asking about and what Waldewin was saying as well. Ambivalence. It's a state of mind where a person can find themselves in....and it can last for a very very long time if you cannot find a means to get your "mind off the fence" so to speak? It can be a chronic thing that is very paralyzing in that you can never truly make good decisions when everything is so indecisive and up in the air all the time?
This state of mind is also what can actually begin to alter your own perceptions and reality and this is the effect of that feeling like you are losing yourself as well Tasher and comes from the more intangible effect of this can of abuse even if it is not the worst of all things you can imagine or place you could find yourself in? It is the insidious nature of this that is what is actually the most damaging since it does stunt your growth ( or can )....from that same kind of paralyzing effect......which is more of just a side effect from this more than anything?
Reality Check. This is why the I think.....the person who really needs counseling the most....is not the person who is the "abuser" as much as the person who is with them? In terms of Reality Checks....I can put it to you this way? The person you are experiencing this from.....in respect to the reason why they do this...( bottom line ) is all about "defense"..or "self protection"... for themselves at the core? Barring a person like this is a full blown Narcissist, and eliminating that possibility......this over reaction to fear and feeling a lack of control, and the self loathing that can comes from this. It can look and feel very similar on the receiving end....but instead of being from a mechanism or at the core feature that says......"I'm better than everyone else.....and I am special because of it." in a Grandiose kind of way...it is actually more just the extreme opposite of that which is now coming from the other direction instead? Severe or chronic feelings of lack of worth and lack of control or power for themselves.....can or will be compensated for this lack of...for a better word (of self confidence )...whether they are able to mask it that well or not where you can't see it ( the insecurity as the core feature going the other way ).......come from insecurity....not an over blown sense of self from a person who could really care less about you or anyone else...as long as they get their needs met and the "food" they need for survival which usually comes in the form of a need for admiration .....instead of coming from the other extreme.....a need for validation instead?
These two extremes in this simplistic way seeing this....can have a lot of things in common or overlaps if you will.........on one hand....and are completely different on the other and do not share all the components of each other interchangeably. At the core.....they are literally like night and day.....but in terms of the effect on you and this insidious aspect in terms of Ambivalence that you experience....that is more concerning for you in that respect and why one on one therapy for you ......might prove to be a good idea ( even better idea ??? ) as Waldewin suggests.....since either one of these two scenarios ( or hypothetical cases here )..... in comparison have already found their equilibrium so to speak? In other words....the purpose it serves them to be this way...is working for them so to speak...and there need to change it or become different is not really there? Albeit....mal-adaptive....it still works or serves them in some way...or they wouldn't do it....right?
They on one hand....are already ...in their Reality...so to speak. The Reality where this equilibrium that is so far off center....has actually kind of balanced out and they are not off balance from being this way? You on the other hand...are the one who is being thrown out of balance and off center now.....and in respect to this.....needs a Reality Check....more than the person who actually needs more of a wake up call than anything else....not so much that their Reality as they see it.....needs changing from their perspective?
Bottom line.....you can't make good clear headed decisions when you are stuck in that Ambivalent state of mind to make major decisions and have any clarity until you can get back to center ( online ) yourself . And when you can come back on line and back to center yourself.....you will feel like you are not losing yourself anymore and you will know what you want by the time you get there much more easily? You can worry about the person you are with at that time and what you want to do about it.....far better than when you yourself are out of balance and really need that more than they do in the immediate? The overall effect this will also have on your relationship ( to your relationship in the positive from the impact this can on your spouse ) .....will / can..... actually correct a lot of the problems you are experiencing now...by the time you get there which becomes a win / win for everyone and your work is already done in some respects seeing it that way instead?
You can only work on yourself. It's the only real power you have to change anything and you can't do this for another person? What is possible and even probable in a very optimistic way? Leading by example and becoming stronger and more centered yourself....can rub off on another person in the same way going the other direction? In your own wake...from the effect this has on the person with you....it can pull them into your wake and actually bring them along with you from the inertia or momentum that this can create in relationship? There is power in this that can and will have an impact on your husband especially if insecurity or needing an example to follow from an inner lack of confidence is what that person is lacking in? I not saying that this is easy or it won't like walking a tight rope.....but walking a tight rope and moving forward is better than walking on egg shells on the ground and going no where fast? Once the cycle is broken that keeps this "paralyzing" state in play.....I think the future will be much easier for you to see and you will actually know the answers yourself and you will not be so indecisive any more?
I'm not an expert on this or a trained professional...but this is just my experience with this and what I have personally learned from doing it myself. More of a testimonial than anything else in favor of individual therapy vs couple counseling and what it can do for you? Bottom line here is.....you only have control of yourself. You cannot control anything in another person in the hope that they will change? It just won't work....honestly.
J
I feel you.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I was married to a man for 17 years who constantly criticized me, blamed me for anything and everything that went wrong in his life, and looked at me with contempt. The smallest things would set him off, and he would be raging, standing inches from my face, screaming and yelling. Because he did these things behind closed doors, I thought I was losing my mind, that no one would believe me.
I finally left after not being able to take it anymore, though it took me 10 years.
I was afraid that he wouldn't be able to hide his true nature anymore, and that our children would be exposed to it. I was afraid of the example it would set for our son. I didn't want him to grow up thinking that women are stupid. He would see his father belittling me, and me cowering. He would see me too weak to leave his father, coming back time and again, and think that this was how you treat women.
Our daughter would see his behavior and think that all men were like her father, that women were there to serve men, and that an abusive husband would be all she had to look forward to. I had to leave for my own sanity. Better late than never. When I divorced him, I was 45 years old. I didn't want to waste another day, another year of my life married to someone that treated me like garbage, and looked at me like I was a piece of chewing gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe. My ex-husband didn't have ADHD. There is no excuse for abusing someone, for treating them as a non human. Having ADHD is not an excuse.
No person deserves to be treated as you have. Only you can decide what is right for you.
Having ADHD..is No Excuse
Submitted by kellyj on
I second that....and will only add to it. Tasher asked if things can change and if they will...will they to back? For me...the anwser is no. There is no going back...once you see it? You can't un-ring the bell as they say? That's the good news and the optimistic aspect of someone with ADHD. And this is what is being said by the experts as well. I am not an isolated case here and I can say that with no doubt in my mind? And going along with what you indicated about your ex......and speaking back to what I was saying about "night and day"....two opposite extremes coming from two different directions as with a person who suffers from Narcissism as the core?
As I see this and what I know myself from my own experiencing this (my father )......what you said is reminiscent of what I remember as well and quoting my T here in a very similar example:
"When you serve them and are in service of their needs ie: narcissistic "food or supply".....you are seen as a valuable commodity and they will put you on a pedestal and praise your glory. But if you fail them or fail to supply them with the food they need.....they will discard you like a piece of used facial tissue and toss you in the gutter without thinking twice about it."
I nicknamed this myself and called this..."The Narcissistic Smack Down" which is a fitting way to describe this. This can hit you broad side like a car accident it is so pronounced and literally "shocking" when it happens. It is literally like a light switch... BAM....the rug goes right out from underneath you. Smack Down....down on the ground. Bam!!!
And until you rise again to that place or pedestal in terms of serving their supply.....you are on the outs...until you can find a way back into their favor....just to do it again. Bam. Like you said...."like a piece of chewing gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe."
But in terms of ADHD.....this is not the same kind of abuse that I know or what I experienced for example from my own mother which in terms of the difference there.....she looked for any way to excuse my own behavior...and blamed it on something else the same as she did for herself? That is a different kind of abuse and mostly when it comes right down to it.....it was the inconsistency of this that was the problem....not the absolute predictability that you could set your watch to in the other form? And in terms of my mother and what she had mass quantities of which she bestowed onto me...was a deep commitment and caring to being a mother which never went unnoticed. She could get into these mental blocks in her thinking that would make her impossible at times ( stubborn like a mule ) but again.....lack of self worth and insecurity was the core feature for her as well? Mostly...she would "nit pick" you to death and that was extremely annoying!!! lol Mostly...."Petty"...kind of things with no intention what so ever or any awareness that she was doing it or that she could see how what she was doing was abusive at all? She got no power or any real enjoyment out of doing this where in comparison.....my father had a sense you got....that he revelled in his ability to control and manipulate you which is to say..."he got off on it "...and this went even a step further in making this distinction?
In respect to my mother....it was never anything like I experienced with my father and that is where I can say that there is a vast difference in this even if they are both emotionally abusive. And what I am saying as well comes from the heart and not for anything else....I get no pleasure out of feeling powerful in my ability to manipulate others and I would never have thought that I was hurting anyone...until I came to understand how that happens in respect to my past? The second I had any realization of the effect that my ADHD was having on anyone...was the second I immediately went about dong something about it...because it is the last thing I would ever want to do and that boils right down to caring. I cared...and it mattered to me..and that right there is the difference as I am saying this?
In respect to any harm I've caused in my past....I have deep regrets and wishing I had known sooner so I could have avoided it. My conscience in other words....has never been at issue here?
So when I say...these are two different animals...and they are two completely separate types of abuse if you will...... as far as I can see this and how I am seeing it in myself....there is a motivation in changing once you can see it.....if your conscience won't allow you to continue any further. But going back to the "victim mentality" where the abuse originates from ( at the source or core here )......that drowning victim analogy is the best one I can think of? A drowning victim...will pull you under and use you as a floatation devise..if they are struggling to get that last breathe of air without thinking about this in a more "panic state" even if they would never do that under normal circumstances just to save their own lives.
Two extremes...coming from two completely opposite ends of the spectrum. But as the person who's trying to save the drowning victim..and gets pulled under and drowns themselves? it doesn't matter who;s fault it is...when your dead, does it? It may not be an excuse....but there is a reason for this and a person with ADHD...can learn to swim and not put people in that position once they realize the hazard and potential damage they might cause?
On the other hand...a person like my father for example....could see that and go..."well ...if it serves me to do it....then I don't care. I'm doing it anyway." And that's right there is a huge difference in potential to change....and a willingness to do so especially when they ...." get off on it"...and enjoy being that way? That a totally different kind of abuse...and the "Smack Down" as I described this...is there in the one....but not in the other? That's makes this easier to see the difference in these two types of abuse and for someone with ADHD...it's more a matter of just not being able to see it but once you do....it can change dramatically and for the better in a permanent way? That part I can guarantee....will never happen again for me because there is just no going back once the Bell has been rung? The only thing there is no excuse for in my book in having ADHD...is not putting in the effort and not trying and remaining a victim for your entire life. It's the victim mentality...that causes all the damage.
J
PS Forgot to mention the Biggie..in terms of Abuse associated with a Narc......Shunning....or being "Shunned"..once the fall from "grace" happens ( the Smack Down ) . Which will persist until favor has been achieved. This isn't contempt as is hatred ..( you have potential value still of course )...this is a persistent "shunning" with "disdain"...to get you to recover and then try even harder next time. And the rage or anger is not in the same way in terms of abrupt...lashing out in anger. Oh no....this is calculated and methodical and very controlled....more like laying in wait...until your prey comes into range so you can "pounce" on them and go for the kill at their weakest moments. Not emotionally libel in other words....always in control. Not ADHD type anger I can tell you....you'd just have to experience this and stand back over time...to see the pattern. It is very deceptive and not easy to stand back from and see it for what it is? Calculating with awareness and intention. When I say..."Intention is Everything"....this is what I mean? That is NOT ADHD...and that would be my criteria to know the difference. One is aware....the other one is not. The only way to test this if you dare???? Is to fail a person like this...and then watch what happens after the fact. It won't come right away....but it will come....guaranteed. Like clockwork....you can set your watch by it. Again...not an ADHD feature...by any means. One is absolutely predictable and very specific ( like pushing a button and then it happens every time ).......one is random and non specific, variable and inconsistent without these feature added into them. That's how I could tell the difference at least ? Like Waldewin was saying.....there are worse types of abuse?
Thank you ,J...
Submitted by Zapp10 on
Very well said....and understood:) Sometimes......inspite of the best effort I may put forward......I question am I doing enough? Will I ever do enough? I would bet my H says the same thing....not about himself.....but me. It is interesting to me that I still need to understand......that adhd .......is not an excuse for poor behavior. It explains it......but it CAN BE mitigated....and having an "expectation" of "seeing" improvement and honest effort is......ok?......I am NOT asking him to "Lasso the moon?!"
Zapp I Read What You Said ....
Submitted by kellyj on
About your recent blow out and I totally understand this because it is so hard to keep your mouth shut sometimes ( as you mentioned "At least I don't....... lol ) and then the he said she said thing which in respect to my wife....this is when she baits me into it and I can kick myself every time I fall for it. With her at least....I am really seeing the pattern and it is more of just wanting to pick a fight so she can vent or give reason to her being angry is not just overwhelmed and needing an outlet for it? I really think this is why she does this and it is kind of an addiction to arguing or getting some stimulation or means to get rid of her frustrations ( kicking the dog....yes ) This is where....I might not be doing anything in that moment...per se....to set her off but I wanted to tell you that I have made progress here and tell you how I am avoiding these moments. I think she gets so flustered and frustrated that she can't communicate what she wants to say....these moments of incoherent expressions that don't make any sense or "tangents" as I'm saying this? ( conversation suddenly takes a right turn into oblivion? lol ) Yes!!! lol
I think with all the ground work I've laid in the past...it has finally sunk in to the point that now when that happens and she starts....I just go...."nope...not going there sorry. Homey don't play that game " which kind of takes the place of any que words we tried but gets through better than the que words when she starts to ramp up and I need her to stop. It's less than ideal...but as I'm saying this.....there seems to be an understanding of sorts that by doing this at least...there are no arguments over trivial petty things that may not be so petty to her...but that's not a conversation that I am willing to have...as of yet? And if she just wants to kick the dog...and I see her coming.....I'm telling her that as she coming and telling her I'm not interested and heading her off at the pass. As long as I don't ....'step into it".....I've found that these moments go by rather quickly..and my comes right back on line again and things never go very far including any anger that is there on either side?
The key to this success or the indicator that it is....we end up remaining in the same room together...and the evening keeps on moving forward. One step at a time I guess? But as I know and as you pointed out...lit can be mitigated and that's what I know.....no matter what she says! What I have begun to notice which I am also aware of in myself? What I want it to be ( the amount of improvement or progress ) is almost always less than it is...but saying....it is progress even if it's not exactly the amount that I want? I would be a hypocrite myself...if I could not give her that much credit and see this only as a positive thing? Any movement forward...is good even if it's not exactly the amount you want at the time?
What I have to allow for with her however....is she is not giving me the same credit due sometimes ( in the same way ) and that part...I just have to get over because I'm not going to get that right then in the moment. I've notice in her favor.....that is does come more and more....later after the fact even if not connected directly to the thing that caused the problem? This chronic...only seeing what is wrong...can be contagious!! I have found that keeping my eye on the ball..and looking for what is "right"....I'm seeing her progress and our together...and just letting the negative moments slide on by as long as I can stop them before they start. That's the biggest improvement so far and it is a big one even though I am ready for her to back slide a bit..and allowing for that and being ready if it comes?
Good for you in being able to see this too? I'm not always in the mood to see it right when it happens....but I'm not missing this either and not having to "brace myself" so much...makes it much easier to do? I guess it's all in how you look at it? If it's all just horrible abuse and you can't get past it....then that's exactly what it will be? There are worse things...that's for sure? ;)
J
J
Being honest, J..
Submitted by Zapp10 on
My H has often said "don't beat around the bush...just give it to me straight"
Well that blow out day he called me a "contentious wife"....Now for him....that is really meant to be derogatory. I was immediately offended and at the same time I realized that I WAS being just that. I said....ya know what? You"re right!!!! and ya know what else?.......You are an f"n a--hole. OMG! I hate that I said that. I was shaking and soooo pissed at myself. SHAMEFUL behavior from me. Later in the note he posted on the apt door he said.........by the way.....next time your call me a f'n a--hole would you be kind enough to preface it with a "you, sir".........Gotta love his humor!!!!
LOL Yes Sir..... I Mean M'aam....ah'hem
Submitted by kellyj on
This is why...it's best to stop that before it starts!!!! I should know better but....still you try and kick yourself later!!! lol
I have found however....that holding it and not saying anything right when you want to....is not as hard as a lot of other things you have to learn how to do? I mean...not saving it for later.....just not saving it AT ALL...and just letting it go forever. Poof!!! Gone.
When I remind myself of the alternative....this is much easier to do!! lol
J
I wouldn't leave blaming adhd....
Submitted by c ur self on
Your husbands actions toward you as you state them doesn't seem to be about adhd....It sounds like he doesn't like you or trust you....Are you controlling? How can you state we have sex 1 to 2 times a week? Who initiates? If he initiates one day after you made love are you open to his conjugal rights? ...Or would you say, "We just did it last night!" Do you make the rules for sex or other things with no flexibility or concern for your husbands thought and needs?? (as he see them, not you)
There isn't an excuse for his negative behavior and criticizing...There is no excuse for being disrespectful to you any time, or embarrassing you in front of friends and neighbors...In his mind there is probably a reason.
When a husband or wife is constantly negative and seems to want to fight there is something behind it....And I would bet it has nothing to do with adhd....
When both spouses have a heart felt assurance that they are loved an appreciated by their mates...Then trust happens! If a husband or wife has screwed up priorities (putting others ahead of their spouses, no respect, no submission) then that relationship will only produce dysfunction, lack of trust, and possibly jealousy....
There is something much deeper than adhd going inside your husbands heart and mind in my opinion....
C
I am so far on the other side
Submitted by Tasher on
I am so far on the other side of controlling, is that the problem? The first thing I do is think about how I have acted, what I have done to make him act like this towards me. How can I help him treat me with respect?
There does have to be something behind it. He has admitted to experiencing a lot of anger because of how he was treated as a child (due to ADHD). His siblings act similarly. One has constant turnover in relationships, the other also has a very laid-back, submissive personality partner...is this what attracted them to us, someone that they can try to control?
The sex question - I know the answer because I purposely initiate 1-2 times a week so he won't get angry with me, to be honest I have no desire to have sex with someone who treats me like he does, but I want to stop the negativity and bad moods with anything I can do in my control.
Tasher Just My Opinion
Submitted by kellyj on
and latching onto a couple of things you said.
I am so far on the other side of controlling, is that the problem? You took the words right out of my mouth...saying....I'm the same way. Is that part of the problem? Unfortunately...YES, it is but there is nothing wrong with that in either of our cases?
How can I help him treat me with respect? Be respectful yourself...but expect to be treated with respect and possibly...being a little more controlling yourself? I could say that differently in saying....you need to be more assertive and that is hard to do with you are not a controlling person at least it is for me sometimes? I am basically a passive person and am not by nature....aggressive. People who are aggressive by nature...tend to also be quite assertive by default. I'm not submissive...which is different than passive...which means I don;t have a problem being assertive but in the face of an aggressive person who is trying to take advantage of my nature....I tend to react....rather HOSTILELY......when put upon....and can easily be aggressive and quite assertive when called upon ...no problem!!! And that can get me into trouble. lol Understated but true. lol What I found that I lack so often than not...is the ability to split the difference and do this better while at the same time....not allowing an aggressive person to over power me so to speak? This takes me out of my comfort zone to have to do this...but that is what I am learning how to do in the face of an very assertive person who has learned that being that way...is the way to get what they want which is doing it in a way...that only pisses you off and is not respectful what so ever?
The answer you just gave...is to do something...just so your husband doesn't get angry with you....not because you want to have sex? Like you said...I have no desire to have sex with someone who treats you that way....so the real question is......why are you doing it? ( why are you having sex....when you have no desire to which is to say....when you don't want to? Honestly? If that's what you are doing ...you are betraying what you want...in service of.......His anger? So he won't be angry with you? Yikes!!!
His anger...is not your problem. You shouldn't do things.....just so he isn't angry with you which is probably why you resent this ( as I would? ) As you said.....he admitted to experiencing a lot of anger because how he was treated as a child due to ADHD? I think what he is doing...is acknowledging he is angry about this...and probably still is? And if that's the case....he will be angry if you have sex with him.....or NOT......and that's not your problem it's his?
So in respect to you....is it you who is doing anything wrong here.....or is it his anger that's the problem? I'd say the latter.....and that is a personal problem not your's in this case?
So just to answer your questions about yourself as you said....The first thing I do......and.......what have I done.......?????????????" Nothing. You haven't done anything to create this in him? That's the problem but as I said.....his anger is a personal problem and one you didn't create and was there when you met him and he brought that with him that has nothing to do with you?
The problem is he's a victim to his ADHD...and until he gets ...out of that mode of thinking.....then nothing you do is going to change that in him...no matter what you do aside from getting him into counseling....and having someone other than you...explain this to him if I am correct in what I'm saying?
Yes.....there does have to be something behind it...and that something....is what I think you need to get to the bottom of to find out exactly what he still angry about? I think that's your answer right there?
J
Tasher....
Submitted by c ur self on
My questions weren't meant to project onto you, but, only to ask....Many spouses male and female will seek to assume a dominate role, if they sense weakness...He may be using anger to create guilt or fear in you to get his way....That's one possibility....
Some people struggle to not be a victim, scares from a dysfunctional home life, years of bad choices, and many other things can take it's toll....
One thing many married couples don't understand is the principle of Acceptance...."What ever my spouse, and I bring to the table are gifts to be shared for the good of the union"....
So many view their spouse as the competition, if your a responsible person attempting to live w/ one who goes from one Catastrophe to the next because of a care free life style, then you don't have to say anything....Your very living of life, keeps them offended and even jealous....They may love you, but they may also struggle to draw close w/o a guard up....In this instance the worst thing you can do is point out their behavior...The best think is to walk away from any action or comments that will only gender strife and do harm....
I understand how your desire can suffer in these cases for sure. You need intimacy, and to feel loved, we all do...Anger and manipulation will always be a wet blanket to this....
Standing up for ourselves and still maintaining our desire to love and live in unity is difficult to say the least in these situations....
C
how sad
Submitted by inthedark on
I was just reading the tip on 'shame'. It sounds like a lot of ADHD people feel this. I know my partner has told me several times that his mother was 'disappointed in him', but honestly if he won't try and get help it's no way to live your life and having lived in an abusive relationship for a long time I know if I had my time over I wouldn't do it again. Also your children are witnessing all this which isn't good for them. You deserve to be treated properly, so I would give him an ultimatum, either get help or we will have to separate. I know it's hard when you have children but he is disrespecting you. I have noticed that with my partner, I have felt disrespected by some of the things he has said, and he knows I won't put up with it so now he stops himself from saying inappropriate things most of the time but he still slips up, he just doesn't direct it to me but to someone else, but it's still not acceptable, i still have to listen to it, so still working on that one. Good luck and be strong.