I'm thinking about this topic today more than usual because this would have been my 33rd wedding anniversary, if the marriage had not ended (by divorce, two years ago). My ex has, it seemed, always showed more interest in communicating and sharing with and supporting women who aren't me. You don't know me and you don't know him, so you can't tell me why this is, but I'm wondering what others whose spouses or partners have ADHD have experienced in this realm. I don't necessarily think this is an ADHD thing. My ex has lots of other issues that could explain this, including (maybe) that he is a man. The only area in which he initiated things with me was sex. Otherwise, I generally felt that he found other women more desirable than me in the ways I wanted to be desired, that is, as a friend and companion.
Thanks.
PoisonIvy I have lurked on
Submitted by Libby on
PoisonIvy I have lurked on this forum for a long time. Just wanted to say that I can relate to what you have said. My DH has a fascination or obsession with other people and often women. He could care less about me. The number one person in his life is his mom. Married 37 years this month. Much of those competing with his mom for attention. Fun times. I too would like to know if this is an ADD thing.
Mr. Happy Go Lucky
Submitted by jennalemone on
Yes, now that you mention it, my H is more interested in exchanges with other people than with me. H is over-animated when with other women and our granddaughters. Like he leans in (too close in my judgement) and leers at them with eager willingness, overly-agreeable and wanting people to think he is knowledgeable and SUPER interested. He lies and talks like the professor of everything with hands waving and over-emphasis on his toe of voice. He tries so hard to impress that I sometimes see him as a cartoon character in his overzealous wooing of everyone but me. After nearly every sentence that he or another person makes, apparently believing he is jolly and entertaining, he giggles. But, like a goofy sidekick, he makes a fool out of himself. Other people tell me what a personality he is. Like I would say to a wife if her husband was very obviously It the kind of person H is who is fun to hang around with for an hour or a day, but then his true colors would come out and after a while a person sees that he seems to have no heart and soul or need to connect with people at all. The thing I find irritating lately is his OVER-ANIMATION in his voice and body language. He seems to protrude his pelvis out with his hands in his pockets (ala James Dean) and make inappropriate jokes . Just like the Casanova that you would be swept up in a dream. Casanovas are not known for their family trustworthiness however. And I was the lucky one who got stuck in a lifetime with a Casanova in a committed marriage relationship. 20 years ago he was a traveling salesman. Today he plays with his selling techniques to anyone who will let themselves be enveloped in his "sales techniques". It is embarrassing and uncomfortable to be committed as a wife to this man. He seems clueless to social nuances and acceptable conversation, choosing instead for base body part humor....even with granddaughters. I have stopped telling him how I feel about things - It seems to not matter.
I would love it if my DH was
Submitted by Libby on
I would love it if my DH was happy go lucky with me. I have lost count of the times I have begged to be treated the way he treats other people. This is what I do not understand. Is this really an ADD trait to treat your wife like Crapo but be so kind to others?
Yes! In my experience it is a
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Yes! In my experience it is a trait of adhd to ignore and neglect the people that they are supposed to love and cherish. Some people with adhd have to stimulate their brains constantly. Video games, new people, new hobbies, porn, new job, extreme sports, alcohol, drugs, excessive work, etc. You, his wife of 37 years, are no longer stimulating to him (except during sex). Think of it as an addiction similar to a drug addict. Drug addicts steal from their families and ruin their relationships in order to feed their addiction. The adhd brain works in a similar way. At least that is my personal experience.
I would love it if my DH was
Submitted by Libby on
I would love it if my DH was happy go lucky with me. I have lost count of the times I have begged to be treated the way he treats other people. This is what I do not understand. Is this really an ADD trait to treat your wife like Crapo but be so kind to others? I domy even want to be treated better than other people just the same...
Thank you for the responses.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thank you for the responses. I appreciate people taking the time to think about my post and comment.
Maid Service
Submitted by vabeachgal on
This all sounds eerily similar. H always put his best self forward for others and was generally a very good friend to others, but he was not a good friend to me. It's natural to take someone for granted, when they are always there, but it seems like the ADHD brain takes that to extreme - because of the shiny object syndrome and also because of the inability to reflect and plan (ie plan dates or time together, etc) I never put it into words as you did. It also made me feel less than desirable and as if I was there for sex and maid service only. It was a sad way to live.
I do think the shiny object syndrome is similar to addiction, as is lying. I think the lying stimulates his brain the same way an addict is stimulated. It gives him a rush. I think that's why he does it for no reason at all.
How completely ironic. I read your post as I was looking out of a window of the house, watching my H converse with our neighbors in the exact way you and several others have described in this thread. He was way too loud and animated and tried super hard to be super jovial, etc. Oh my goodness, how I want the house repairs to be finished ASAP and the house sold.
When I look back over the years, he was super supportive and a great listener to most women, especially co workers. By then, I realized that he wasn't ACTUALLY listening, but to a casual observer, he seemed like a great listener.
Anyway, I think the behavior is also the result of a healthy dose of immaturity and need for validation and a self-esteem bolster.