This week I am online learning by myself about emotional intelligence and maturity. MINE! It seems to me that when I was young, I had a youthful emotional maturity. I stood on solid ground. After living with H all these years, I see that I have bent myself to accommodate him and his ways and I had become emotionally immature too and a little crazy. I brought myself down to his level to not seem to act "superior or motherly or stodgy or 'better than' ". In other words, I was putting myself on his level. I tried fighting fire with fire. The drama. He would act like a 2 year old and I would react with emotional upheaval (like a 2 year old). We are right now in a course of him not talking to me again for 3 days, slamming things and hateful muttering to himself. When we cross paths, he glares and answers my questions with a snarl and one word answers. I don't know what is bothering him about me now. I used to live with fear or try to start a dialogue or get emotionally upset and verbal trying to "right" this uncomfortable dynamic. Nothing I did changed him. He was not able to grow with me but rather stands his ground like a 2 year old tyrant unable to say words.
I am trying to get back the emotional maturity I had when I was younger. I'm learning what that looks like again by going online and typing "emotional maturity" and "emotional intelligence". It feels lovely to get back to my old self. I am letting the chips fall where they may with my marriage and I am living life without the downward pull of H's immaturity and inability to share and discuss like an adult. I get to take charge of my thoughts and emotions. I don't have to cry or complain or feel like I am at the end of my rope. I can even let myself be vulnerable without losing myself. I am in charge of my head and my heart. I have to remind myself sometimes, so I come here to remember why it is that I must be diligent with my learning of emotional growth. I can't do this alone. I need to know I am not crazy or mean. I need to read your common situations and my own entries here and see myself and it helps to be reminded of what it looked like and felt like to descend to the toddler dictatorship that was.
Jenna
Submitted by Brindle on
I loved reading this post. Thank you for writing it. I actually had typed up a long post, talking about my own relationship and where your post overlapped with my experience with my husband. But I don't feel like rehashing it all. I do want to say that parts of your post resonate, and I can feel all those years of frustration and pain. I am in a similar place to where you are now - I work on me, and I no longer "invite" him to join me in a better relationship. I think it would be nice if we could have one, and I'm still here in case he should decide to work effectively at it. But my main priority right now is my own healing and my own growth. And that is its own reward.
I'm still here.
Submitted by jennalemone on
"I'm still here in case he should decide to work effectively at it."
"The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally."
Yes, Brindle, This....I'm still here in this relationship and here on this board. I'm still trying to understand him. I'm still trying to understand me. I have compromised and let go of my needs so much that I have to work on remembering or acknowledging what my needs are. But why do I still want to understand him? It won't matter if I do. Nothing will change with my understanding. Somehow I must believe that it is my duty as a woman and a wife to try to understand him. Even tho I know it is to no avail. I would like an ADDer on this site to tell me what is going on with H that he believes that his needs are more important than mine. Why he doesn't hear me when I tell him what I would like. Why, when I tell him what I need or want, I am called names or it is insinuated that I want too much....then I feel selfish and back off. He in in the habit of calling names and cussing. I am not. Why he feels entitled to preferential treatment. Is it a guy thing? Is it a ADD thing? Is it a cultural or upbringing thing? It doesn't matter. And the sooner I can accept that and move on in my mind, the better we are both off. I'm just ranting because this is day 4 of H's slamming and giving me the hateful cold shoulder. I am not wanting to go to him with my apologies and tender words of care because that outcome is how this usually ends and in the end, it is my ego and my sense of self that is again not considered. A person can't go on in life always giving up giving in, being ignored by hateful silence.
It's own reward!
Submitted by c ur self on
Yes...Yes it is..:)
Jenna
Submitted by c ur self on
All the millions of negative and hopeless thoughts, feelings, and behaviors could only vanish for me, when I finally realized and came to peace with the fact that ONLY I was wanting her to change, in order to make ourselves something in relationship form that was my dream....
She is scared of change, she didn't know how to change, her pride, her shame, and her self love (like we all have) has kept her closed to change....My attempts to force it, just made sure we were both miserable, and our relationship dysfunctional....The best thing I can ever do for my wife and myself is to just be me...Throw out all the thoughts about what her problems are, that has produced so much discord with in my own heart and mind through the years....She wasn't holding me back, I was doing that....:)
Blessings
c
Thanks, c.
Submitted by jennalemone on
C, your message is one of strength and acceptance. It is good to hear that you have some peace and understanding in your relationship to your wife. You and I have traveled this rocky road at the same slow pace on this forum, getting to similar places. Your positive and vulnerable writings have been encouraging for quite some time.
Some of us come from cultures and times where men were silent and felt entitled and women served them. If we want to love our spouses long term, we need to allow the impetus for them to mature - the pain of their own consequences, the boundaries of which you speak.
C, you are proof that men can be thoughtful and partnering and mature. Thank you sharing and to speak of your faith. We see how it sustains you.
Jenna, how is it going?
Submitted by Brindle on
Has he dropped his punishing treatment of you? I hope you've gotten some relief.