Hi lovely people,
i have got the courage to finally typ down how and where I’m at at the moment.
It all started 8 years ago. I met this fun guy through a mutual friend after a while we started dating. I got out a relationship and was 30 and a single mom of 2 at that time. He was 28. Now I’m 39 and I can not find that little piece of me of how I was before.
He mentioned that he was diagnosed with adhd at the age of 6 but that it isn’t so bad as he thinks it is. He doesn’t want to take meds because that makes him not who he is.
He wanted to have children but during our time together there was something inside me told me not to.
The last 3 years have been a struggle. He always in to looking for action, flirting with girls and texting them in the night while I am longing for that connection we have when he is ‘normal’. Makes me become a nagging and angry woman, who I don’t want to be. Now we decided to live seperate so we give ourself some time out but I see this as a sign we will grow even further away.
My confidence is so low at the moment because he regurarly says he is handsome and lots of women are attracted to him but he stay still with me. He says he wants a younger person who is vived and not nagging but he loves me so he stays. The fact is that he is scared because he knows I am doing everything around and know how he really is. He is not attracted to me anymore but sadly he loves me so he won’t do anything.
I use to be this proud and strong women. I have a career and totally financially independent. It is too hard for me to leave him because I know how he really is but de adhd makes him this terrible person. I am now at te turning point to not fight it anymore and let him do his thing and leave all the worries behind.
However it feels so sad even though he mistreaded me and lies a lot but in the end I know how he really is when he come to sense. I can not save him but can save myself.
Thank you.
Fleur
Get out
Submitted by sickandtired on
I was with a guy just like this. He bragged on himself, thought other men were jealous of him, flirted with women, and said he needed a younger woman because I did not understand him. Your man is insecure and selfish. He doesn’t respect you, and if you are doing everything, he needs you. He is acting like a teenager living with his mommy. Does he stare at other women and talk about their bodies to you? My ex did that even after I told him multiple times it was disrespectful to me.
You say you don’t have any children with him and are financially independent. I was the same way, and when I broke up with him he took money out of my bank account, stole two vehicles from me, secretly lived in my vacation house, and ended up stealing appliances out of that house. Be very careful and guard your finances and your vehicles. People like this become very dependent on their mate, and he will fight you to keep things as they are, with you feeding him and providing him a home while he flirts with other women. You can do sooooo much better. Your children deserve sooo much better too. Please don’t hang your hopes on those few times he might be nice to you. His ADHD will never go away, and it gets MUCH worse with age. I was with my ex over 11 years. It took a long time to heal and get my confidence back, but it was sooo worth it. I found a new man who is wonderful, loving, respectful and reliable. I was 60 when I threw out my adhd X. It saved my life to get away from him. If I can do this at 60, you can too. Throw the bum out!
True
Submitted by Fleur H on
Hi,
thank you for your input. You are right about insecure and want to put me down so he can feel better. Whatever my plan is to move forwards, he tries to demotivate it and scare me.
He want me to be more adventures too, like he wants me to drink alcohol and be more fun, when I stopped smoking he’d lit up a cigarette in front of me. Where ever we go, he forgets his wallet so I pay. He uses car and lives under my roof because as he is saying, he doesn’t know where his money goes. These are all examples and i can go on and on. He even says I am depressed and need to take meds and that I must be so helpless. I often thought of him being a psychopath/narcist but when I talked to him about it, he turns it to me that what a twisted person I must me and how I look at the world.
I try to follow my intuition and it is so clear that I have to stop to torture myself with this.
Right!
Submitted by sickandtired on
Yes, you are torturing yourself by trying to make this relationship work. He is relying on you to not have the courage and strength to end it. Why else would he put you down and say you have mental problems??? To control you and keep you in line, paying for everything with your heart, not just your money.
I have to ask you, how does he treat your children?? Are you married to him or just living together???
Child
Submitted by Fleur H on
I must say, he is good to the children otherwise I would never have stayed with him. He is good in a playful way, as he sometimes acts like a child himself. I often think I have 3 to take care of.
We are not married, he tries to let me feel bad, as I am not good because I don’t want children with him and he will look for younger someone to have children with he says.
It is crazy when I think about it and write it down. I see the reality now.
Not being married
Submitted by sickandtired on
Not being married simplifies this very much! If you were married he might try to get spousal support, but he is entitled to nothing since you are not married.
You were very smart not having a child with him. Please just make sure all of your finances like bank accounts are separate so that he cannot take your money, because I guarantee he will try. These types of people don’t have healthy boundaries, so he thinks what is yours is his, and that he is entitled to take whatever he wants from you. When I was breaking up with my ex, many folks on here warned me that he would try to steal from me, and they were soooo right! You have no idea how sneaky and entitled theycan be until you throw him out and then you will see his nasty side. Prepare yourself for the worst so you will respond in a healthy way when (not if) he turns on you like you are threatening his very survival.
Believe your gut
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hey Fleur,
He is using classic abuser tactics. Believe in your gut and in what you are seeing vs. his twisted rendition. You are not wrong. I don't know your whole situation but read up more on Narcissistic Personality Disorder... and if it fits, believe in what you're seeing and believe the pervasive opinion that partners of such people need to get out and go no contact in a safe way asap. There is treatment for ADHD, but not for NPD. Even if it's something else, you and your children deserve so much more than whatever this is.
Thank you
Submitted by Fleur H on
Thank you for your advice.
Love,
Fleur
I agree with Sickandtired...................
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
It will not get better, get out now.
I, too was dating a man very briefly who did this. He was hung up on his Ex-Wife, going on and on about how she was the hottest, most beautiful woman he had ever known. (Didn't make me feel to good when he talked about her.) He also gave me too many details about women from his past, one woman in particular. How big and luscious her T**ts were, and what sex with her was like. Inappropriate to say the least! It wouldn't have worked out with him anyway...we were too different and there was no "spark" for me. He shouldn't have been dating anyone if he was still carrying a torch for his Ex, but thats another matter.
My Fiancee used to talk to me like I was one of the guys and give me too much information about other women, until I got through to him. (He is not vain about his looks, and he would NEVER say that he wants to be with someone younger or better looking than me, so that has never been a problem.) I told him that women in general don't want to hear intimate details about other women, be it ex wives, girlfriends, or one night stands, co-workers, etc. It wounds us emotionally and lowers our self esteem.
ADHD does not make all who have it terrible people. I am in control of my words and actions, and so is your man.
Also--
He is not setting a good example for your children. Even if he is nice to them, they will eventually pick up on his comments about other women, how it hurts you, and that you stay with him no matter what. If you have a son, it will show him that men can disrespect women, and get away with it. If you have a daughter, it will show her that this is the kind of behavior she should expect from men. (One reason I left my husband of 17 years--abuse--. I knew the children would be effected eventually.)
Bad role model
Submitted by sickandtired on
Absolutely correct Adele! He is teaching the kids that these behaviors are “normal”: disrespect, lying, flirting with others, financial irresponsibility, putting down your mate... just for starters. Nobody wants their kids to grow up and marry someone like this, but if they are exposed to these behaviors in childhood, they are much more likely to subconsciously choose an abusive partner, because it somehow seems familiar to them. Lots of folks on here came from abusive childhoods, and that’s why they were attracted to an abusive mate. Whether it’s caused by ADHD or narcissism, nobody should accept or stay in an abusive relationship.
Bless you
Submitted by Fleur H on
Thank you so much for your insight. I do try to teach my children to become responsible adults with respect to their environment. I am thankful to have written it down because no one would understand it. He is charming, playing and manipulating all around which frustrates me. I am the nagging angry one. The funny thing is he gets it all done but at home he is a mess and wants me to do all. He is mentally ill and will continue to find another victim, he already said that to me too. He will find another much easier than me.
Hi Fleur....
Submitted by c ur self on
The things he say's and does is who he is....Just like you and I...As human's we want so much for things to be "Good"...We want to think the best of ourselves and others....So it is very easy to slip into the illusion of not recognizing the real (lived out) priorities of our lives, and those we care about...
The fact you have an income and have the ability to financially care for you and the children's needs is such a blessing....So many dive off into trusting a spouse who isn't worthy of their trust, and end up broken and disappointed when faced with the reality of an irresponsible life mate.....
Wishing you much Joy and Peace in the future....
c
ADHD and new love
Submitted by Legin on
I'm a man in an 8-year relationship with a man who was diagnosed with ADHD about five years ago. When we met, he'd make comic asides about having ADD, the way lots of people do. In any event, my guy has a real diagnosis. He's been taking Adderal for 3-4 years. It seems to help his work. In the past year, he's been having angry outbursts with greater frequency. This almost always occurs with alcohol. We've stopped drinking from Mon-Thurs, which was his idea, and it seems to help. But every second or third weekend, he'll have even a fairly modest amount of wine and become belligerent. I sometimes wonder if it's the Adderal or the combination of the Adderal and the alcohol. I'm not physically scared. I'd would just prefer to have a relationship without drama.
My partner has read fairly widely about ADHD. He said one theory about ADHD is based on the fact that people with ADHD seem to have less dopamine in their brains--something that creates feelings of pleasure. The theory is that some of the hyperactive, scattered, running around that people with ADHD do is to generate more dopamine. In short, their low dopamine levels make life feel gray and boring, and so they create some drama (good or bad) to compensate.
Fleur, the sentence "he regularly says he is handsome and lots of women are attracted to him but he stay still with me. He says he wants a younger person who is..." is the handwriting on the wall. That's cruel. I would cut this guy loose. I think you should brace yourself for him to try to come back once even twice after the repeats his pattern with the next woman. Make a clean break of it, change your locks, and the passwords to your ATM cards.
Absolutely correct, Legin!
Submitted by sickandtired on
You have to be braced for a “messy” break up, as opposed to a “normal” breakup. My ex took thousands of dollars of furniture and appliances from my vacation house, after secretly crashing there for months! Most people can accept a breakup, but a very dependent person sometimes might threaten suicide to manipulate you into feeling sorry for them and responsible for their very life or death. That’s what my ex did to me. I fell for the suicide threat and let him stay in my old house for what was supposed to be a few days maximum so that he could move his hoard of unfinished projects and tools with him. I checked on the house about a week later, thinking he was gone. Months later I got an email from him saying he had been hiding in the basement while I was there, and that he continued to live in the basement of my vacant house for weeks, and took all of the furniture and appliances. I had paid for everything and blindly trusted him for years. I still get angry emails from him every few months and it’s been 4 years since the “end” of the breakup.
So helpful
Submitted by Fleur H on
I want to thank you personally for your time and input in your text.
Love,
Fleur
You're welcome! Good luck
Submitted by Legin on
You're welcome! Good luck with everything!
Thank you
Submitted by Fleur H on
Bless you. I will keep that in mind.
Wish you all the best.
Love,
Fleur
I found my SO was prone to
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
I found my SO was prone to angry outbursts on Adderall too. He went back to the doc to discuss it and the doc said he was metabolising it too fast, so the come down in the evening when the meds wore off was making him emotionally volatile. He's still on Adderall, but they prescribed a very small "booster" dose that he has to take around 6pm, at the end of the day, to make the come down from the main dose more level, and he hasn't had an outburst since. He said he could tell they were coming on before, but couldn't control them. Took paying to see some ADHD pro for them to recommend the booster dose. Wish the regular doc had prescribed that sooner, would have saved me a lot of grief.
Thank you! That's a great tip
Submitted by Legin on
Thank you! That's a great tip.
Your wrong
Submitted by Patanne on
you deserve more!
The longer you wait the harder it will be. I am certain he is a lovely man but you deserve more, ADD is such a struggle on its own, along with lack of accountability or denial it is insurmountable. I know I have my own challenges, I don’t think I would have fallen in love with my husband unless I was flawed myself- just another hurdle to jump. If I was not married I would hope I had the courage to move on. I wish that for you, you can find yourself again!
To all
Submitted by Fleur H on
Dear all,
Thank you all for the comments. I want to leave an update.
I have talked for days to my partner. Got it all out. He recognizes the problems and know it is not correct what he does. Next to the adhd, he had a very difficult childhood where he had no attention or love from his parents at all. The fact he is an only child, he was mainly responsable for himself
This could mean that he must feel very empty inside and is scared to go deeper in to the matter. Therefor,can the attention seeking behaviour through flirting, maybe a reason?
He is willing to go to a doctor to ask for the meds and even therapy. I guess I can give him an ultimate chance for our relationship to succeed?
I dearly love him because I already got through him many times and feel I can turn this around. I see this as a last chance after I read the book.
I am not naive or desperate but I see this as my duty for being that loving partner that I want to be.
Sorry for my English (I live overseas),
Love,
Fleur