So lets see. Where do I begin? At the beginning I suppose. I met my wife ten years ago. Things were great at first. We had an amazing sex life. She was beautiful and had a good heart. As things went along though, it started to get very ugly very fast. She procrastinated about everything and she was extremely dirty. I told her how i felt about these things and she showed no interest in changing anything. So i did what came natural and I broke up with her and found someone else.
So we spent some time apart and she showed back up in my life and she showed me that she had changed. She seemed put together and told me that the thought of losing me caused the change in her. So we sarted back up and things were good again. Eventually she became pregnant. By this time we were living together.
Fast forward 10 - 11 years down the line. What ive learned since then is that she purposefully lied to me and decieved me into thinking she was someone that she wasnt. When I asked why she would do such a horrible thing, her answer has been because I had to do what I had to do to get you back. To say i feel decieved and manipulated would be a major understatement. We have a relationship built on lies.
So what are the real problems though? I will try to tackle them one at a time without allowing myself to become overly emotional.
1: Cleaniliness
I come from a home where cleanliness was a big thing. You bathe every day. You brush your teeth every day. Every day you make your bed. Dishes are done every day. These things are definitly not happening in my home. We have 3 young boys ages 1, 3 and 6. If Christine takes a bathe twice a week that may be alot. Shes also not an advocate of soap. Ive learned from this relationship that soap causes cancer. So water is good enough. My children are also not bathed properly and smell awfull. Teeth brushing is reserved for special occasions. The bed has been made about twice this year. Dishes are left long enough for the house to be full of flies. Dirty clothes are hung up and are used over and over. We are known amongst our circles as "The Smelly's". My car looks like homeless men live in it. So why dont you clean yourself you ask? I've been asked that before. Guess its a natural question. Rewind a few years. I was once " Super Husband". I cooked, I cleaned, I maintained all aspects of a home plus I maintained a full time job. I was a mother, a father, a husband, a wife, a maid, a lover, a friend and much much more rolled into one. At the end of that road was mental breakdown waiting for me to embrace with open arms. I lost my job and ended up locked alone in a bedroom for two months. Only coming out to eat and use the bathroom for anything but bathing. No phone calls from any friends and no support whatsoever from my wife. You'll forgive me if I dont walk that path again.
2: Sex Life
Non existent. Ive seriously considered prostitution as an option.
3: Procrastination
We have gotten some great advice from many areas over the years. Unfortunately Christine has applied none of it. She sincerely loves to hear great advice. She says it makes her feel better. But applies none of it. She talks about seeking professional help but either hasnt at all or hasnt followed thru with somewhere in the range of none of it - most of it. Shes taken meds but quits after a month - 2 months. Reasons why? " Its not working", "I dont like how it makes me feel", I dont really have anything wrong with me. You just expect too much". She procrastinates around the home with everything. She hasnt worked a secular job in about 8 years.
3: Oops I did it again.
Christine is a catastrophe waiting to happen. She has broken enough things that if i could get it all back and sell it all, I could probably buy a new 3 story home. Nothing is sacred and nothing is off limits. We have been thrown out of home after home after home because of her antics. We have been homeless 2 times and I fear that it will happen again. Its always just an "oops" away. It makes me frustrated and resentful to no end to work my butt off for my family and yet feel like its all for naught. Shes broken the pS4 multiple times. Shes broken flat screen TVs and much much more. I've thought of Dispraxia as a possible reason.b
4: The reason is.....
Christine has some reason for everything. This broke because... I didnt do this/that because....
5. Wait, what time is it?
Before Christine I was late to nothing. Now? (Chris get in the car pleaaaseeee ! Chris we dont need that lets go ....Chris what do you mean you forgot to do/grab this/that?)
6: The insults / The lack of demonstrations of love and/or appreciation.
"I dont want you. I just want your money (Yes she really said that)
7: Welcome to Christines version of "Normal"
In the past she saved dirty diapers incase they needed to be reused. Shes worn her own dirty underwear time and again. Shes peed and pooped on herself. She does things that make you go "huh?" Like storing garbage in the back seat of my car.
8: Shes alienated just about every friend we've ever had. As a result, we have little to no friends.
9: Low or no self esteem
Theres lot and lots and lots more but heres the most important part. All of this has made me want to walk out on her. Ive become angry, resentfull and even violent at times. Its affected my children and im at the point where I just want it to end. I sleep in the car in front of my home. Ive even thought about ending my own life just for some peace. I dont know where to go for help. No one has helped. Therapy sucks. Life sucks. It would be nice to do some of the seminars on here but i cant afford them. Kinda wanna ask those around me will you remember me when im gone? Right now im just sitting in my car on my day off of work hoping it goes by quick so I can go back to work... the only place i find peace.
UPDATE: I went to wdw because theres no reason to punish myself on my day off by spending it in a car. So here i am alone. As I walked out my son says "Look daddy im playing Batman". It broke my heart that I cant be there for him because we both are so caught up in our own problems. As I walked out I said to her Im going you know where alone. Unthinking Christine says "You're going to Disney?" I reply " why dont you say it a little louder? Lets torture the kids .. Why not? "
Hello Rmunet....
Submitted by c ur self on
WOW...I feel for you...When I married my wife 10 years ago...She lived quiet a bit like your wife...I was quiet a bit like you...Except we were older, and only had one child left at home with us for a few years....
My wife has come a long way since those days in many area's...Like bathing a little more often, She is still very messy and hoards up stuff, but, I'm use to it, and she has worked the last few years to be thoughtful about picking up and cleaning up behind herself a little more....I appreciate her efforts....I ended up w/ health problems also...Anxiety, and a racing heart beat....
I want go on about her, because you already know the list it sounds like....But, I will share with you the things I have done....
I retired at age 56 in order to relieve some of the stress I was under with her, all the work at home and my job....You can't do that....But, even before I retired I started putting boundaries in place....They are a must if you are going to have any type of a peaceful life....You cannot live with a spouse like you have described here without good boundaries, period!
Things that must happen IMO...based on what you have said here....1) The children, you must make quality time for them, they are the real victims here....If you will focus on them and being thankful for them, it will help you get your mind off of your wife....(She is an adult and will be fine if you didn't exist, the babies must be loved and cared for)...Which brings up 2) I don't care how much you dislike her life style, it's your job to love her, so let her know you love her, and show her. Not by enabling poor behavior, but, just buy your presents...If there is nothing really good to say, then say nothing...Try to get yall's sex life kicked back off, you definitely need it, and so does she....
3) Boundaries, place them on yourself, stuff like...keeping your emotions in check...You can never do that until you accept your wife...(acceptance isn't agreement, it's just accepting the reality of her mind no matter how many times it makes you shake your head and walk away)...I pointed thinks out and pointed thinks out with a negative tone and a frustrated and troubled demeanor until I turned her against me for the most part...That just keeps them beat down and that will end the sex...No one wants to make love to someone who doesn't approve of them even having air to breathe....My wife told me one time that she was shooting me the bird behind my back, the whole time we were having sex....I thought about that?? Not good....It's extremely hard to not point out the dysfunction and the lack of discipline concerning responsibilities in the home....But we will never never FIX the problem w hard words and showing our disapproval all the time....It's better to leave....IMO....
Your wife and mine will NEVER think as we do....And they WILL NEVER have our priorities...And the WILL NEVER be able to follow through with most things like we can....It's just the mind they deal w/ daily....
You must not take everything she does as intentional....But no matter, if it's negatively impacting you at a level of intrusion you can't deal with (or abusive)...Set boundaries....I understand about money, but, it wouldn't hurt if you had a third party to work with you a few sessions....But if you do that, make a list of the worst things, most intrusive, and detrimental to the children and to the marriage....Try to go over the list before hand with her...Never go for counseling (together) if anger and denial is so prevalent in one or both of you...Go alone if that is the case....All that will happen if negative emotions are larger than respect and acceptance of a plan to find healing is a pissing contest will ensue and your money will be wasted....No ground will be gained.....
c
reply to C ur Self
Submitted by SweetandSour on
This is a really good reply. When I read Rmunet's post I felt awful for him and his situation and had thoughts like "Wow, what a mess this is!". But I didn't know where to start as far as offering advice. Somehow you see a way to address all this that is compassionate to everyone in the family, but also sounds humanly do-able and could fundametally change things for the better.
The acceptance piece that I know is at the core of your approach to dealing with your wife and that I know you've had to work hard for inside yourself is, I think, like a golden key for all of us who have partners with ADHD specifically, but really for all people dealing with other people. Saying that we'll never fix the problem with hard words and showing our disapproval all the time is so true. And saying that it can be hard to refrain from doing it is so true also. I've been on both ends of this one and have learned over years and years to keep quiet a lot more. What I wish I had was the gift for inspiring people with positive, but indirect words.
I appreciate you taking the
Submitted by Rmunet on
I appreciate you taking the time to reply to this. I agree that anger has gotten us no where but neither has kindness or patience. I tried both and have worn myself beyond thin. My coworker today said he had to move because the smell made him want to throw up. My clothes are kept in a manner that i dont know whats clean and whats dirty. She has taken dirty clothes out of the hamper and hung them up. My children have gone to bed dirty everyday. sex with her ? No way shes dirty and gross and smells awful. I touched her feet to move them and now my hands smell like vomit. My children are in bed dirty again. I called child protective services today. My children need to be protected and i cant do it. How can i not be angry about my children being neglected? My own health suffers due to all of this craziness. I feel i may need to start seeking my own psychiatric help. Im losing my mind and dont know what to do to fix any of this. I have sooo much resentment anger frustration etc . she wont even admit that theres a problem. She doesnt think she has adhd. I feel so empty. Like a hollow cardboard box.
You are wanting something that isn't there....
Submitted by c ur self on
I live like my wife don't exist in many ways...Because when it comes to practical life applications she doesn't in many ways....We have three laundry baskets in the laundry room floor...Her's, mine, and one for towels and linen....I do my laundry take it from the dryer, fold it and put it in my dresser...My hanging stuff goes on hangers...If I must iron, I do that....I would never expect my wife to do it, because it would never been done in a manner I could depend on.....Her stuff makes it into piles on the arm of the couch and into a rocking chair...She don't care to do any different...
If your wife isn't willing to shower w/ you and make love to you after the kids are tuck into bed for the night, then I understand....I wouldn't touch her either if she want bath...My wife will bath every other day or so now....She has never had much of a body odor anyway...But we went through some of the same things you are dealing with....
Just don't depend on her for anything....You can't make her care....Just make sure you keep your focus on doing the right things....It's all you are accountable for....If I was you, when I got in from work, I would bath my babies...And make sure they are cared for if I never had any dealings w/ the wife....
c
I have no idea how CPS will
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I have no idea how CPS will respond to the dreadful conditions that your children are living in, but it sounds like you could be in danger of losing your children. I understand and can relate to your physical and mental exhaustion. Obviously, you’re a very intelligent person. You write eloquently about your situation and fully understand the deplorable conditions that your children are living in. Please dig down deep and try to make better choices for the sake of your children. Please don’t spend any more money taking yourself to Walt Disney World. Please use that money to make better choices for your kids. Don’t spend any more money on expensive video games or flat screen TVs. Please take a shower and wash your clothes. If you lose your job, your problems are going to be compounded. Please give your kids a bath and wash their clothes. You can’t expect your wife to be pArt of the solution. She isn’t a team player. You're going to have to work around her and care for your children in spite of her. Can you designate a small area, one or two rooms, of the house for you and the kids to keep clean and sanitary? Let your wife live in filth in the rest of the house.
Obviously, I don’t have all the answers. No one knows and understands your situation better than you. You don’t have to make the situation perfect. Just make it better for you and your kids. I know that you can figure out a way to make this situation better!!!!
So today i got called in
Submitted by Rmunet on
So today i got called in again to the office about the odor. Was told i needed to do something because its offensive. I explained some things but they really didnt want to hear it. Some of those ideas would be great but because we live in a small RV it makes some of those things not possible. For instance i cant designate a filth section because its a very small place. VERY VERY small. I cant bathe my children when i get home because i get home most times after midnight. Someone said to me well feed them and bathe them before you leave the home which is fine but they need to be bathed before sleep. Ive stopped buying flatscreens and other electronics because everything gets broken. I had bought my kids a ps4 but it broke i replaced it but it broke again and so ive refused to replace it again. I can do my own laundry but she hangs up dirty clothes with clean clothes and we all share the same closet space so thats why my clothes smell. Shes literally taken stuff out of the dirty clothes and reworn or hung them up. I didnt spend money on disney. I work there and get in for free. I do take bathes. I showered before coming to work but the smell is on everything around me. Clothes car etc etc ... I just dont know CPS came and want to talk to both of us. Idk but im hoping the scare of possibly losing her children motivates her to wake up.
I wish you the best...Rmunet....
Submitted by c ur self on
It sounds impractical to try to raise 3 children in a small RV...You have posted a long list of why you can't make your and YOUR children's life better...I just suggest you start looking for just as many reason's why you can....
A small two bedroom apartment or even a 2 or 3 bedroom manufactured home would be more practical....It would give you the space you need to set up boundaries....(separate your and the children's clothing from hers etc..)...It would allow you to keep clean bed linen on the kids beds...It sounds like your job depends on it.....
Best wishes working through it all...
c
It sounds like it may be time
Submitted by wildflower on
It sounds like it may be time for you to take the children and get a small apartment. I would still make the attempt to bath and feed my kids before I left. It is better than nothing. It sounds like maybe your wife has depression along with her adhd. I understand that you have burnt yourself out doing everything in the past, but make sure you are not using that as an excuse to do nothing. You are being called into work about your smell, it is time to drop the excuses. And make changes. If it is impossible to show up to work and not smell so offensive that it makes co-workers ill, it is time for you to move.
A bit better
Submitted by Rmunet on
Things have gotten a bit better since cps. Shes doing things because finally shes afraid of losing her children. Lets see how long she can keep this up. If she can great but if she cant i may need to do other things to protect the children. Keeping my fingers crossed
Thanks for letting us know...
Submitted by c ur self on
Your support and encouragement may go a long way in helping her stay motivated...There isn't much we can do to change another person...But we can be a good example, and show them love....I pray you do that....
c