I'm new to the forum, but I've been coming to this site for about a year now to read advice on dealing with my ADHD husband (I do not have ADD/ADHD). We've been together for over 12 years (since high school) and the past several years have been total rollercoaster rides. We have always had very rocky times, but when he was finally diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago, things got a little better because we both knew what was causing these problems. His ADHD manifests itself in extreme forgetfulness, lack of ambition/motivation, disregard for other people's feelings (especially mine), hyperfocus, defensiveness, anger, and general scattered everything. To top things off, he's also OCD, and suffers from bouts of depression, anxiety, and paranoia.
He categorically refuses to take medicine, which I am fine with, and he hates counseling because "they don't do anything". But he also doesn't do anything to manage his ADHD on his own, and believe me, I have made EVERY EFFORT possible to set him up for success and gently give him suggestions for ADHD management. Just like I've read here so many times, his intentions are always the best in the world, especially after an argument, but the follow-thru is zero and he feels he deserves credit for basically, trying to try. The best he's done is to try something for two days, like a calendar or a diary, then give it up because he thinks he doesn't need it. And if I suggest he keep working at it, I'm a nag.
We've been to couple's counseling a couple of times, the last time was almost 2 years ago. Since then, we've had a couple of blowouts and came to an understanding that basically, he needs to improve his communication style (very demanding, judgmental, defensive) and "use his words" so that I can understand what he needs emotionally and mentally. And in turn, I would express myself calmly and logically so that he can understand what I need emotionally and mentally.
It sounds great, but it just never seems to take hold and we keep fighting all the time. I feel disrespected, taken for granted/taken advantage of, disregarded, unloved, lonely, and fully responsible for both of our lives. Luckily, there are no children in the picture. I feel like I'm his mother and I'm so tired of it. I'm a graduate student taking a full-time load and he is a full-time freelancer who works from home, so we're always in each other's faces too. I'm crazy-busy, and then he occupies so much of my free time emotionally that I'm just spent. I'm always having to talk him down from a fit of anxiety or paranoia (he's really angry and bitter sometimes - for no reason at all), or give him a pep talk, and I double-check all of his business affairs to make sure everything looks good. He loves what he does and he's good at it, but actually getting up each day and putting in a full-time effort is a struggle. It's a little frustrating to know that if he worked harder, we would be better off financially, but I'm not that concerned about money right now.
I'm just so, so exhausted from all of this. I love him and he really is a good man, but he is SO difficult to live with. He knows that, but does very little to make our relationship worth it for me. I see no effort on his part and our conversations go nowhere anymore. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall and he immediately gets very angry and defensive if I don't "forgive" him right away. After 12 years, "I'm sorry" or "I'll try" don't cut it anymore. I can't help but feel that I could be really happy by myself or with someone who doesn't have ADHD. I sometimes wish we hadn't gotten married at all and that I'd broken it off one of the many times in high school when he was acting out. I feel really guilty too because I do love him so much and want things to work. I also feel selfish for thinking all of these negative things, but I've never been emotionally fulfilled or had a true equal partnership...and I don't think I ever will with him.
He knows all these things...we've been over them thousands of times. I don't mind paying all the bills, remembering everything household-wise, managing our schedules or any of that. But I can't do all of that for him and go on feeling so emotionally unfulfilled forever. I know divorce is the easy way out, but my life has been much harder than necessary for 12 years now. I don't know what to do anymore, so I thought I would post here. Sorry it's so jumbled...thank you for reading.
"He categorically refuses to
Submitted by Clarity on
"He categorically refuses to take medicine, which I am fine with..." After the difference proper medications have made, I could never be fine with it! As amatter of fact, during an ugly interaction, I realized my ADD husband had not taken his meds and bust out crying. He immediately started taking them again. The meds really have a way of calming him. What I've noticed is that his personality is the same and even he says he feels no different. It is as if he is now able to complete his thoughts and come to a logical conclusion. He's not as angry or irritable as he was and is even much more considerate of me. His memory has improved and he ia able to understand more than one or two steps at a time.
I would highly recommend finding a good doctor who understands ADD. My husband got his presctiption on his first visit and thought is was like a miracle the very next day. Unfortunatley he was not able to describe in what way other than he was able to clear his desk at work and that had never happened before.
After almost thirty years of behavior just as you've described (it doesn't change!) I finally decided I was too old and tired to deal with it anymore. Thank God for Concerta, Wellbutrin and Ginkgo Biloba!
Deep cleansing breaths hon, and take a break if you can!
Thanks for replying. I
Submitted by vbug2010 on
Thanks for replying. I understand his reluctance to take medication because of possible side effects. There have been times in the past where I've practically demanded that he take medication...only to have him later convince me that he doesn't need it.
Another roadblock is that he doesn't have insurance and we can't afford to pay out of pocket. Even if we somehow payed for it, he's so stubborn that I'm 100% he'd stop taking them eventually. In college, he was on an anti-depressant for a couple of months and rarely took it. When I would remind him to, he would get upset and take it as a personal insult.
I hate this situation.
You'll never know
Submitted by Clarity on
You'll never know if the side effects are a problem until you try something but, I can understand an insurance issue. Monthly visits to a doctor plus a few prescriptions would be impossible without help. I recently learned about ginkgo biloba and my husband was willing to try it. His doctor even told him he had heard good things about it and was able to lower his dose of Concerta to accommodate it. He said he feels his memory and energy levels were both improved. We were actually looking for a solution to a problem with being able to sustain an erection which I guess can happen when you're taking anti depressants. The ginkgo helped there as well.
It's tough and if you can't get him to work with you there is little you can do to change things other than yourself. My kids are grown now and that helps but I'm getting older and more tired as time goes on. When I'm at my wits end and crying and considering leaving he's more willing to act but it doesn't always last. Sorry but that's all I've got...
Well, we actually had a good
Submitted by vbug2010 on
Well, we actually had a good talk yesterday and basically, after all the internet research I've done, I told him that nothing is going to change without medication. He took it very well and he understands that things are tenuous in our relationship. He's willing to see the positive side of medication which is a first and also tells me that he is mentally struggling.
We did research on low-cost prescriptions and sliding-scale psychiatrists. Hopefully we can find something that works. For me, there's no other alternatives and he knows that...we've tried everything else. I'll keep you updated on our progress.
That is really positive news!
Submitted by Clarity on
I struggled with my husband a number of times and as many different ways to get him to make a decision to actually do something. It seems he was able to pick up on it when I was finally at my wits end. The last big upset we had I had to tell him that I would need to leave him in order to protect myself somehow. Not that he's physically abusive but his behavior has caused much stress, been emotionally painful and almost ruined us financially. It's upsetting to feel as if I enabled him to put our family in danger while I patiently waited for him to make a decision about getting help.
You've reminded me of a time when I was frustrated and desperate to figure out just what the heck was going on back in a day when resources were few. For over twenty years I fought to keep my head above water only to recently find some relief. You are so fortunate to find a wealth of information right here at your fingertips.
Thankfully, there are many medications and combinations out there and I pray you will be able to find a good fit quickly. We got a good response right away and with a little tweaking it was better yet. The recent addition of gingko has been positive as well and has shown to have little if any side effects though, I have no idea how that might work by itself. I wish you all the best in your search. Please do let me know how it goes!
I feel your pain
Submitted by nrparents on
Reading your post I remember back to when I was married 12 years (it has now been 21) and wish I had known then what I know now--that things would not get better but instead got worse. From your description you are his mother. You didn't mention why there are no kids, but I know that we delayed having our first and never had the second I wanted because I already had my hands full with an infantile spouse. If you never want kids then maybe a man-child isn't a bad substitute, but If you want an equal partner I would run, not walk from this relationship.
If you must stay, start treating him like an adult and ignore all attempts by him to keep the status quo. I separated our bank and credit cards to force my husband to take charge of his expenses, and I refuse to go anywhere with him unless he is carrying his wallet and cards (he took to "traveling light" and leaving all the paying to me). He still refuses to set an alarm in the morning so as usual I don't have any backup. I believe it is his unconscious attempt to have a "Mommy" taking care of him, as he had a bad childhood with inadequate or abusive mothering.
Much Improved!
Submitted by vbug2010 on
Hi everyone,
I thought I'd leave an update since I promised I would after my husband agreed to start taking medication for ADD. Despite our financial constraints, we were able to find a therapist to prescribe Adderall and applied for a program at our local grocery store to get discounts on medication. Since he's been taking the Adderall (about a month now) things have gotten SO much better!! I can see now how much he wanted to change and just wasn't able to. We've had a couple of disagreements, but no blowouts like before. Even our most serious argument ended well and he understood why we ended up in that place.
I'm just so happy that Adderall is working for him and with no side effects so far. He's taking a very low dosage. He's so much happier too, and says he finally knows what it's like to feel "normal". He's still the same person, but without so much of that frustrating edge, anger, and not nearly as difficult as he was before. He even commented that he finds himself smiling for no reason and was surprised by it. I never thought it would make that much of a difference.
We're taking things slow as far as making improvements and raising expectations to a level playing field in our marriage. But I have tons of hope for the future, whereas I had none before. Thanks for listening and reading.
That's fantastic!
Submitted by Clarity on
Even with financial restraints the benefits of medications for my ADDman are top priority and most necessary for my own well being and peace of mind as well! I remember being amazed when my husband was able to bring his thoughts to a proper conclusion on his own. Feels hopeful!
I wish you all the best as you start moving forwrd!