The end of what never truly was.....

Easter Sunday

Submitted by jennalemone on Sun, 04/12/2020 - 08:37

c, I started to write in response to this and I went off on a tangent all about me and it took an ugly turn. So I started over. See my new entry. I have read between the lines of many of your writings and knew that for you, the only way toward wholeness is the way you are going now. It is good that you and your wife are financially able to be separate and find your own good selves back. The selves you were when you could be true to who you are in a way that did not pull you down. I am happy for you. I know you have some difficult work to do in the year ahead. I hope you and your children find some togetherness on this day of celebration during our isolations. May our memories of better Easters fill us with gratitude. May you rejoice in your heart.

Thank you Jenna, Yes, gratitude and a heart that rejoices:)

Submitted by c ur self on Tue, 04/14/2020 - 16:40

At some point I had to stop looking and longing for what I wanted out of this marriage relationship (healthy attachment)....It's really not that difficult, when the hunger is shared...

As for as Easter's go, my prayer for myself is, that I don't miss the opportunity to experience the resurrected Christ in my heart everyday....

You've been a great pen pal (friend) I wish you all the fruits of our Lord's Spirit.....<3

I'm sorry

Submitted by vabeachgal on Sun, 04/12/2020 - 22:13

I haven't posted in a very long time, but I do check in from time to time. I'm very sorry to hear that this is your ultimate resolution. I know that this is not a decision you took on lightly or without full thought and consideration. Reading your posts over time... I know that you gave it your full effort and I commend you for that and truly wish you the very best. May you have peace and joy and fulfillment.

We all wish for a true relationship and a true connection.

Sometimes when you lighten the burden, you leave space for what can be. You deserve real love and consideration. I sincerely hope you find it. You have a great spirit. I can't even believe I'm saying that I've found it now. After everything I've been through, I am so grateful that it brought it me to where I am now - peace, happiness, the love of my life.

I wish the very best to you.

VA, it is so nice to hear

Submitted by 1Melody1 on Mon, 04/13/2020 - 15:09

VA, it is so nice to hear this good news from you. I am so happy for you and you have given me hope that this doesn't have to be my last chapter either.

All the best to you and I wish you so much happiness!

Hi VBG....I'm not shocked....

Submitted by c ur self on Tue, 04/14/2020 - 16:51

After being introduced to your Character (heart) for a couple of years on this site, it was obvious to me you just wanted to be loved and appreciated, and be able to trust the person who vowed to be that one with you...I know how much pain you endured, and I know that you went through some gut wrenching times....I think I told you how I felt about you 15 months ago in a post....

It didn't take long for someone else to see it.....I'm so thankful you are in such a good place:)....Bless you!

So weird - read some article

Submitted by shulk on Tue, 04/21/2020 - 13:56

So weird - I read some article by Melissa Orlov that said women with ADHD want more intimacy than their mates. I think that is probably the case only before children. After children, it's such a chore and bother, like pulling teeth. I'm sure that makes guys feel great! I understand kids wear parents out. But there seems to be something more related to ADHD. Not sure if this is the case with anyone else. But ditto on the "That's it, I'm done, don't touch me" thing. So you're kinda like, "this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?" So strange - I wonder what actually accounts for that? Dopamine absence in ADHD?

SEX

Submitted by c ur self on Tue, 04/21/2020 - 19:44

So weird - I read some article by Melissa Orlov that said women with ADHD want more intimacy than their mates....

I haven't found this to be true at all...Just the opposite...What I have experienced being married to a add person is (not counting the first 6 or 8 months, when she was a machine) a mind that when it discounts anything, it has the ability to completely act like it don't exist (seemly very little conscience as it relates toward her responsibilities in the marriage) and intimacy was one she just one day decided to discount, then she started using it as a bargaining chip (The first 5 or 6 years) to get me to jump through her hoops...Manipulation....So I started pointing out how perverse that mind set was for a couple of years and she finally was able to move past it (as for as acting it out w/ me) ....About 4 or 5 years ago in conversation I told her...I want sex at least every three day, and with me doing the reminding, and any work to make it happen we have average having sex between 5 and 7 times a month...She balked on that about 9 or 10 months ago...We probably average 2 or 3 a month for a while....But we haven't had sex in 5 or 6 weeks now....I will never push her away, (as long we are married) but, I want ever pursue her again...I want be told no again my own wife, just because my normal sexual desires and needs are to much trouble and interrupts her lazy TV addiction...

But what I have experienced w/ an add mind and sex is the same selfishness I experience out of the bed....For the most part she is negative going into it (not a very good turn on) and always complaining...Hurry Hurry Hurry...Until all of a sudden (when I start hitting all the good spots) she's like don't hurry!...To late sister... LOL....Then it starts...Aren't you going to give me an Orgasm!....The negative rusher...Just turned victim...Of course I stay with her and always get her off......It's just been a chaotic night mare for the most part....

Your comment about the ADHD

Submitted by Mndisfam on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 11:43

Your comment about the ADHD sexual selfishness being the same as the day to day selfishness strikes such a chord with me! I'm a woman, and my husband cut off our sex life about 15 years ago. I stupidly tried to solve it with him, pursue him, try to fix it...whatever. But when we actually did have sex, it was AWFUL. He didn't care about my pleasure, didn't listen to my requests ('don't tell me what to do') and was generally just a terrible lover.

The constant rejection certainly took its toll on my esteem, but eventually I got healthier when I realized 1) his rejection of me killed my attraction to him and 2) it wasn't a good experience when we did have sex. He never brings up anything about it...but yes, that self centered focus rears it's self completely in the bedroom too.

Same here.

Submitted by sickandtired on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 12:27

Been there, done that. We didn’t have sex for the last 8 years of our almost 12 year relationship. He had his own room too. It was like living with a brooding, emotionally over the top teenager instead of a partner. His utter dependence on me to share money, friends, etc. with absolutely no contribution from him, plus his chronic bad moods, pity party marathons, and blame shifting....killed any initial attraction I had for him.

Same

Submitted by 1Melody1 on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 15:01

My marriage has also been 100% sexless for over a decade. I did all the pursuing and trying to improve things at first, but eventually a girl gives up. No matter what I did, we'd only have sex once or twice a year even with all that effort!! And when we finally did, I always felt like he was only doing it so I'd stop asking for a while. What a great feeling, right? I went through years of feeling like I must be undesirable, etc., but am finally in the healthy place where I realize it's his problem and always was. After what I've gone through in this 20 year relationship, I wouldn't have sex with him again now under any circumstances.

And this revelation about selfish lovers has really shocked me and helped me feel less alone in my experience!. Years ago when my husband and I had sex, it had to be all his way. I think in my husband's case, he was so addicted to porn that he struggled with real life sex and if things weren't precisely as he wanted them, it wouldn't work for him. It was always the same way regardless of what I wanted and I think I could have been anyone as we didn't connect - no eye contact even. I think he was in his head, trying desperately to think of his favourite pornographic content so he could perform, honestly. If he looked at me, that movie playing in his head would shatter. I didn't know that at the time, but looking back and knowing what I know now, I see it.

I have to admit that I knew going in the sex was going to be difficult/infrequent. He said he had erectile dysfunction at the time though and I believed him and was of course super supportive and empathetic. At first he even used something to improve his erections... and he tried. So I felt like he was doing his best and sex wasn't a reason to reject an entire person. I wish I could go back in time and see that he was lying... the ED was a result of porn addiction that he would never admit to or treat or modify as a root cause. And as soon as we were married he dropped the medication and any effort he'd put into intimacy. It took me so many years to figure this all out on my own.

My husband also has his own room and has for 12 years.

Sickandtired....

Submitted by c ur self on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 16:29

Yep Yep and Yep....It's amazing anyone (esp. a man) could be that way!....And it's even more amazing how long some us will endure it.......

So true, mindisfam

Submitted by c ur self on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 16:21

My personal belief (selfish an self absorbed actions) is it goes deeper than mental make up...If it is total mental make up....Then no add/adhd minded indiv. would ever be fit to be married....And that's not the case.....I want voice my personal belief, but, to me it's something deeper for many, who are that out of tune with the product of their actions....

Yes, the lack of sex to none, same here.

Submitted by dedelight4 on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 16:56

I had started this, but had to come back and finish this post. But, Same Here! We had sex 2 or 3 times a week the first few years, which went to every few months, to twice a year. H had a premature ejaculation problem that developed into a full blown ED issue. He would NOT discuss it, and things just got worse.

He went to the doctor a few years after we were married and the doctor told him there was no reason he shouldn't be fully functional. He did have a varicose veins removed, which solved that. But, he somehow interpreted everything as if he was "non functional", and I had no right to ask him to do something he COULD NOT DO.

I would try to do some sexy things to entice him, but he ignored it a lot. Then he would come on to ME, and act like he was REALLY into it, but, then not see it through, just turn away. It was humiliating and made me feel like I was a "turn off" for him. And it made me feel like less of a woman, and had a terrible effect on my self esteem.

Then at times, in the middle of the night, he'd wake up, and then I'd wake up with him already "in the process", without me even being fully awake to know what's going on. He would finish as fast as it started, and it was over......then roll over and go to sleep. That was very selfish and uncaring about my feelings.

The times I REALLY needed that sexual release, I would ask him to please me, and he would say, "I can't get an erection, WHAT do you want me to DO"? I often said, "You don't need an erection to give me an orgasm, because you have two hands". But, he would just angrily repeat what he said earlier, as if NOT having an erection made him fully "inoperable" to help me in any way. It made no sense, and I silently cried myself to sleep many nights from the rejection.

The hardest part at times, was that he refused to discuss why this kept happening. And why we couldn't come to some agreement. He handled things by avoidance, which doesn't help anyone heal from anything. I never embarrassed him, or tried to make him feel like less of a man, but I do think it was selfish of him to insist I have a sexless life also, because he wouldn't face this.

So much gets talked about ADHD and then being extra sexual, but not as much gets covered about when it's the other way around. When the person stops wanting sex at all, and won't help their spouses or themselves through a process of healing and maybe even success.

it's actually the same thing causing both dede....

Submitted by c ur self on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 18:42

The same spirit is driving both responses....No sex.....To much sex.....The ability to ONLY care about one's own self.....(talking real openly here).....For your husband to roll over beside you, and passionately kiss your mouth, neck and body..Then use his mouth and hands on your magic button to bring you to ecstasy, would mean he would have to love you just like he loves himself....

For some of the other spouses here who might have the shoe on the other foot...For their spouse to approach sex in a thoughtful way (How does my spouse feel about such regular sex??, Could I be more understanding and more thoughtful toward them?....The selfish all the timers, are no different from the push you way noer's.....It is breed from a heart of unconcern and selfishness....The cold spirit that has no ability to love in a way that is giving...It's also a lazy spirit.....

Also dede the night sex... (you may know this) A man can have difficulty w/ arousal erections...But he will still have night time circulation erections in many cases.....Soft head, but hard shaft....Your husband was probably using his circulation shaft erections to have an orgasm...Which is so not cool (very wrong) unless you guy's have discussed it....

C, excellent info

Submitted by dedelight4 on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 19:37

Thank you for this insight. Yes, you're correct. It has to be the same spirit driving both forces, too much or too little/no sex. A selfish spirit that may even have been indulged by the person? I'll look into that more.

Also, I honestly didn't know about the night orgasms you talked about. H, NEVER.....EVER....discussed what happens with him or any men during our 37 years of marriage. He just would not discuss sex in any form. I couldn't even explain to him what happens with women sexually, because he would tune out, get impatient, and leave the room. I even at one point asked him if he was gay, which I had to ask, since sex was such a taboo subject for him. And no, he in no way has that "life" either. He's a straight, very sexually uptight and uninformed man who didn't want to delve into that subject through talking, as well as physically. (I often wonder if he had been traumatized in some way, that he would never reveal) I'll never know.

But, if possible could you explain what you mentioned what was happening to H at night. He did have the soft head, harder shaft, btw. If writing it here is not possible, tell me what I should look up on the web, and I'll check it out. I feel somewhat uninformed myself now.....LOL, but I LOVE learning, so I really want to know.

Dede.... I found this on a website. Might be worth looking into.

Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 20:27

Hard flaccid syndrome | Urology News

www.urologynews.uk.com

AdeleS. Thank you, checked it out

Submitted by dedelight4 on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 22:41

Wow, I looked up that syndrome and there is so many things I learned about that. H has all the symptoms of that, and I am now on a huge search to learn more. I believe H is hiding things from me about his earlier years and sex life, either from a trauma, or embarassment or whatever. But, I'm having a discussion with him after I get enough information.

Thanks again.

C, just checking in, and so sorry.

Submitted by dedelight4 on Mon, 04/27/2020 - 18:10

I check in from time to time, and I am sorry to read about what's taken place. If it's any comfort, at all, it is actually a relief of sorts, when we decide to stop engaging in their lack of wanting to be a "married couple". It was the only thing that helped me start a healing process for myself, until lately when he changed things. (Now, I'm having difficulty with this) explain later.

It's interesting when you mentioned about the sex part of marriage with an adhd person in denial (denial of everything, lol) I have had the same difficulties in that area as well. The first few years, he would act "interested", and want to start something, but then not see it through. He wasn't very "good" at love making, but it was okay, and I believed I could help with that. Something we could learn to grow better with, together.....but it didn't change He stayed awkward and avoided it a lot.

We had sex a couple times a week, but it got less and less after the first few years until it was about once every few months. Now we haven't had any physical intimacy in over ten years, which was never decided on by us both. He always had a type of PE problem, and would never discuss it, and tried to avoid the subject at all costs.

But even if I really needed an orgasm for the physical relief, he wouldn't do it. He would angrily tell me, "I can't get an erection, what do you want me to do"? So then, I would tell him he didn't NEED that, because he had two hands to help me get what I needed. But, he would just keep repeating what he said before, as if he couldn't have an erection, he was totally "inoperable". I NEVER understood this. I told him MANY times, that if I couldn't physically function, I would STILL make sure that HE got sexual relief, and we could still have close contact and closeness. He would never oblige me in any way in this, until we eventually stopped having it altogether, and I stopped asking for it, or even hoping for it. This is SO incredibly selfish and hurtful, but it's worse because they won't even ATTEMPT to discuss matters involving their behaviors or actions that are hurtful to us.

I do believe H was really embarrassed about it, but still, it doesn't mean that he had the right to demand that I have no sex life either because of it. It really added to me feeling rejected as a woman, and as a life partner. I couldn't get him to see that, or admit it. So I stopped even wanting to try.

The hardest part for me in all this, was that he had an affair with a much younger woman, (I know the sex was not okay from experience) and again, he wouldn't discuss the behaviors, the whys, the hows, and what was going on in his head. He just said, "It's over, and done, I feel bad about it, and we have to move on". But, NOTHING gets healed when the only way you handle things is by "ignoring it", and thinking it will all just "go away".........IT DOESN'T. This put the ENTIRE healing process back on MY shoulders, on TOP of the betrayal, the rejection, the sexual dysfunction and the non communication from denial of the ADHD behaviors in his life. It's too much, and it's an awful lot to try to continually mentally, emotionally and spiritually try to make sense of, when it so non-sensical in so many ways. When they won't talk about themselves, or open up to be vulnerable in any sense, it closes off intimacy for both people, and the relationship can die, and often does. But, not before a whole lot of damage gets done first, which they also look to avoid. It's mind boggling.

I admired how awesome you treated your wife, and as a Godly man, treated her with honor and respect she didn't want and often didn't deserve, but you kept on. But, no one can live a two person marriage.....alone, because all of us need love and support and affection. Just like trees and plants that wither and die from a lack of water, WE can also wither from a lack of love and attention/affection.

I do know there is a huge "fear of failure", in H's life, but trying to avoid that, has kept him having more "failures", because he's too afraid to talk openly about it. I do believe the successes he could have had, he didn't have, because of that.....It cycles over again. So, it's better to avoid it, and it doesn't exist. That is a choice that he made many times over, which he chose to interpret that "Life just didn't give him a fair shake". To me, it looks like a false reality that he chose to not deal with his own weaknesses, failures or poor choices.

Anyway, The past year or so, H has been behaving much differently. He really did have a change of heart (which he said) because he had his "come to Jesus" moment. And, I know he has, because several things have changed that never were there before.....And for the better. He's treating me like I always wanted to be treated, but now it's ME that's having the difficulty believing and trusting in HIM again. I went through heck and back again, trying to come to terms with so much, and it did a ton of damage to my self esteem, and how I saw myself. I AM happy H finally saw and sees things differently now, and is ACTING on these things, but 30+ years of a non marriage "marriage", doesn't get better quickly, and healing needs to take place.

There's a lot of healing to be done in many areas, and I'm not quite sure just how that takes place. H does feel bad about this, and I know he does, but part of me was completely "shut down" for self survival, and it will take some time and effort. I do look for sources for some aid in this, but haven't found much so far.

I'm sorry this is long, but I wanted you to know it's good to hear that you are now going to take care of C, and let "what never was", be released from your life. It's okay. It's emotionally draining and at the same time a "relief". I understand that, and I know God does too. We can't MAKE people honor their marriage vows, and we wouldn't want it that way any way. I will add you to my prayer list, it's getting longer by the day these days. We're close to the Day of the Lord, which is coming soon. God Bless you, my friend. Dede

You said it all so well my friend.....

Submitted by c ur self on Mon, 04/27/2020 - 19:10

I am so thankful your husband has been doing business with Jesus<3

There is so much help out there, "good Christian Counselor" that we never take advantage of....People who can and will speak relational truth to us....Science is great, but, not everyone has the desire or ability to be pursue it on their own or be vulnerable to open up..(like u said)....And if we are going to not get cheated out of what is possible in our relationships, we have to get over the fear of vulnerability, recognize our need, and ask for help....

When two people are married, and become one, there is no reason to not get naked together OFTEN! :)..NO matter what the outcome is!...Like you said, we were born with two hands and a mouth...I've never had a problem using any of it....LOL....

ED in men and low clitoral sensitivity, and thinning vaginal walls in women happens....That's just part of life, we deal with it, But we never quit!......If we are going to pridefully quit on our spouse, because we can't meet a standard we once could, we don't deserve a spouse.....

You are dead right...Acceptance means to stop being the aggressor, stop year after year pushing someone to love you and put effort into you....That is BS and I did way to long...Plus they never have to make a real life changing descions when you just set and suffer through their no's and excuses.....Yep......Let the reality of what is really happening come to fruition (that's been my denial).....Don't engage, let them get busy, or let them get going....I want her to pursue the path she thinks is right for her...Time has proved that isn't the work of a marriage relationship....

It's all good....Because God is good, and ever present....

Bless you dede...Thank you for kind words....

C, yes, letting them go

Submitted by dedelight4 on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 11:15

"Letting the other person go", is really what I did too. If he couldn't act or behave or tell me anything that was uplifting or encouraging to me, and begin "becoming" a marriage PARTNER, I told H he also could go find what he actually "DID" want. He never seemed to actually KNOW what he wanted out of life, except to have recognition for his "accomplishments" as a musician. (Every musician wants that, but, that's NOT all there IS to life) Plus, that's an empty life, if you don't have someone to SHARE that with. I often asked him why he even asked me to marry him.........no response. Difficult.

I've read that adhd people sometimes have mental checklists, and they get married, and just check that off the list, like "Well, I did that, let's move on". But, not realizing or wanting to nurture that relationship, the day after the wedding. But, I haven't read anyone REALLY explain the how's or why's they do this, just that they DO.

Maybe that's something that gets dealt with in personal counseling, but we had some "not so good" counselors over the years. I went to some Christian counselors before, during difficult times, and sad to say, they weren't much help. Back then, they mostly just listened to you, but didn't offer constructive behavioral changing things to do, to help true change take place. I hope that's changed now. But, I've been wary of going back to a counselor, which has probably been to my detriment. I read what you said about that, and WILL look for one around here.

Anyway, I do believe that after H finally realized that I was emotionally DONE with him, it scared him, and he didn't want me to leave, but it never should have been left to go that far. Especially when he always bragged about how he "always goes to someone who has a problem with him". He COULD do this with people, but only when it didn't involve any "intimate" relationship dealings that involved him being openly "vulnerable", where he had to talk about his feelings, motivations and desires. Whether this is a physical brain thing, (frontal lobe) or a choice, or combination of both, it doesn't have to STAY that way. There's too many success stories now, of adhders who DID and HAVE changed how they approach life, to not have it be a real possibility and goal for most of them.

You really had me laughing when you talked about "getting naked, and often".......and I kept saying, "Yes, I agree, I agree" LOL. I do believe that the sex part of marriage is SO vital to shared closeness and intimacy. Also, talk about being at your most "vulnerable" self.....LOL.....that's it. BUT, we need to DO that, to share this vulnerable part of ourselves with each other as a precious gift, to give and receive the most intimate parts of ourselves and marriage. I don't think H ever wanted to understand this part of life, it was too "scary", and he felt too exposed and vulnerable, and again, a "failure". I NEVER tried to make him feel like less of a man because he had premature ejaculation and then a growing ED problem, which only continued to get worse the more he avoided it, which is how he chose to handle it.

I was so angry and disturbed with myself because I really loved him, and after so many years, felt that I had wasted my life loving someone who wasn't that "interested" in me. How was I do stupid? And I really beat myself up over this.......NOT a good thing to DO.

It wasn't that he didn't care for me....It was mainly that he was REALLY BAD at dealing with his own issues, and wouldn't tell ANYONE about his deep seeded fears, failures and life. (even counselors) He wouldn't be openly HONEST about himself. This just kept getting worse, and people who handle things by avoidance never overcome what could have dealt with and even done AWAY with. Sad.

I'm guilty of some of that myself, but I prefer " everything on the table, and out in the open" for me, for growth and especially healing. It saddens me that he can't feel the freedom of letting those fears go, and opening up about the pain of what he keeps buried so others won't see. Thing is, most of us CAN see through that, but he doesn't realize this. His mother (bipolar) caused a lot of damage in that family. In all my travels, and readings, and personal experience, that generation (the WWII) were some hard, cold people who never admitted they did anything wrong, or had faults. (not all, not all) There were very good folks, but my own experience found many I just described.

Anyway, I think you're doing the right thing by letting your wife go her own way, which most adheres DO anyway. It's just saddens us that they seem to never "feel" the pain of what damage their adhd behaviors can cause, and never feel the JOY of acceptance and change, and how that would IMPROVE everything in their lives.

I do think there needs to be more help for spouses of adhders "out in the world", and a few less critical words thrown our way. Much gets written and done for adhders, but less gets done for those who have been damaged by the behaviors. I could be wrong of course, and I'm always looking for things, but I haven't found much for people like US. (Who have hung in there too long sometimes) ,

Anyway, another thank you too, for your kind words and generous spirit. Have a wonderful and blessed day my friend. Dede

Dede you get it....

Submitted by c ur self on Tue, 04/28/2020 - 16:11

Sister you said it so wonderfully...What ever we do, we do need to have a heart of compassion; we do need to pray for them....((((hugs))))

Sorry dede just saw ur comment..

Submitted by c ur self on Wed, 04/29/2020 - 01:27

Also I see adele found u something to educate u... There are several factors at work... One night time erections.. Two, libido is at its highest in the early AM hours. Three, sub-conscience dreams and thought patterns geared toward sexual pleasures, and, Four, self fondling in a semi conscious state...When I wake up like this with no outlet, other than masturbation I just get on up, cause it's hard to stop my mind, and I can easily start thinking (Fantasizing) unfruitful thoughts...So it's best to roll out, pray and get the coffee brewing.. Don't always beat it though...

Thanks C, I appreciate this

Submitted by dedelight4 on Wed, 04/29/2020 - 10:02

I am amazed at this information. I didn't know this existed, and H has all the symptoms you said, and from what I also searched. It is also something that isn't very well researched or documented. But it IS a very real condition, and isn't talked about much.

What I am sort of understanding (could be wrong)is that it can often come from too much "self pleasure". (didn't write the m word)

But that, along with a stressful event, or prolonged stress, can trigger this,( which then seems to happen quite quickly to the person involved) They then start worrying it won't ever go away, and start avoiding sex because they've become literally "inoperable", and are so embarrassed at the symptoms that have developed. He has even had all the groin pain, which he calls stomachaches. But, his "stomach" isn't where he's always pointed towards.

And yes, many pieces of a puzzle are.coming together, and everything matches up almost perfectly. I will of course be careful and mindful of H's feelings and wellbeing, with nothing accusatory or hurtful. I will eventually ask him some well thought through questions and mainly because WE need healing, and use the approach that it's to help me. (Which he's really trying to do now) But, there are ways that he can get help for this, even have it cured by doing certain exercises, I found out. He may not believe this, but I will pray about it first.

Thanks, so much for the info. Have a blessed day.

Dede

Submitted by c ur self on Wed, 04/29/2020 - 10:56

It's not uncommon for men and women to be so in the dark about private matters related to the natural order of sexual desire and function...My wife upon hearing certain thing ( blue balls) concerning scrotum pain men can suffer with once sexual arousal is achieved, but no semen release...She was like what!!...It's easy enough to read about it...Sexual desire has nothing to do with masturbation...But, men can get addicted to masturbation and even porn easily, because we were created to be visually stimulated..,Husbands and Wives are suppose to submit their bodies to one another.... 1corinthians 7:1-5... The act of sin by a single person always becomes destructive to the marital bed... Those sins are usually selfishness (denying conjugal rights, one or both turning to a person outside their union for sex, perverting natural sex, with unnatural acts, And one are both using visual aids for sexual release..,(Porn)..,.

When we submit the power of our bodies for mutual sexual pleasure, while keeping our minds, spirits, and hearts free from affections that are not pure in a monogamous marital relationship.. We can live out our lives together perfectly cared for sexually... Only, when the carnal spirit is allowed selfish freedoms (sins against our own bodies, and one another does the suffering start)...

If ED is present be understanding, ( but you are so right, we have to communicate, but it has to be done in totally loving and respectful way...There is usually shame being carried around... Men are prideful, we hate any thing we experience that makes us feel inadequate has men... And penis size and function ( no matter a wife's thoughts) is probably the number one thing a male suffers with...He should get naked and submit to you, and you to him... (But he will have to see it as his responsibility and a non threating act when it comes to shame...That may mean you climb down there and vigorously suck a flaccid penis, with the same love you would if it was erect... A flaccid penis can orgasm..,I hope y'all find the ability to move past the mental stumbling blocks, and can enjoy each other again, by exposing the lies that bind us from enjoying the pure bed of marriage...Bless you!... (forgive misspelling iphone attempt)

C and Adele, thank you so much

Submitted by dedelight4 on Wed, 04/29/2020 - 13:00

My friends, thank you so much for this information. It's like a light bulb has been turned on, and something that has been hidden for so long is finally coming to light. I am so grateful for your explanations on this. H has been SO avoiding of ANYTHING sexual since we've been married, that right from the start he refused to let me see him naked, except for the quick "love making" there was, and even in THAT, he would "cover up" quickly with a sheet. We've never showered together, been in the bathroom together.......NOTHING.

I can't tell you how rejected all this made me feel during this time. It was like he would rather I feel totally inadequate to satisfy him, before he would admit the problem was coming from his own issues.

The hurt and betrayal and rejection just kept going, and he still let that go on, rather than admit that HE knew he had something wrong. How can they let a person who LOVES THEM with all their heart, bear the burden that they don't want to face? No wonder my self esteem suffered so drastically, he just refused to communicate out of fear. But, then again, that's no excuse, when they've made VOWS to put that other person before themselves before God. I guess the HARDEST part, was how defensive and angry and accusing he got, if I even tried to discuss our sex life, as if "You don't have any rights to my body". Wow......just wow. I know he sees the damage of it now, in me, but damn, just whew. It's been such a relief to know this, and it helps me feel a little better about myself, and I WASN'T wrong, for wanting to find a way to improve our lives.....together. I'm in tears as I write this right now. So many years of sorrow and hurt could have been avoided, if he would have only had a little courage to face it, even a tiny bit.

Again, it's keep on keeping on and learning and praying. Thank you again.

Dede...<3

Submitted by c ur self on Wed, 04/29/2020 - 14:44

It's easy to end up carrying the weight of others dysfunction when we love them... Praying u can lay that down, and accept none of us can do that... It's a place this old romantic is finally able to get to.., We can only be positive and accepting for one....

Dede, you're not alone

Submitted by 1Melody1 on Wed, 04/29/2020 - 16:00

You are definitely not alone here. I have been consistently kind and understanding of my husband's difficulties in the bedroom for 20 years. Not once did I ever seek to shame or hurt him. Any shame he may or may not feel would have been self-inflicted. However, despite my empathetic and gentle approach, he seemed content to let me suffer the consequences of his avoidance all these years. I can find a way to be sexless. I can deal with the pain of years of rejection. I can feel unloved and undesirable and inadequate. I can hurt as long as he doesn't have to address anything. This strategy is par for the course in other areas of his ADHD too, of course. But it is painful in a very different way when it comes to intimacy.

I understand your tears.

1Melody1, how kind of you.

Submitted by dedelight4 on Wed, 04/29/2020 - 23:54

I'm so sorry you had to go through this also. And, thank you for your kind words and empathy.

I felt so alone in this non-marriage "marriage", and the amount of betrayals, rejection and non communication took it's toll. I really thought that I had "come to terms" with this strange life, mentally and emotionally, and changed so many things about myself. (some in not very good ways) But, then I still found myself wanting to "help" things get better. I probably should have said, "He needs to do this on his own, if he's serious about really changing things. And then leave him TO it.

We DID have a really good talk tonight. For the very first time. He openly showed remorse, apologized and told me how sorry he was for wasting so much time, by "not seeing what he already HAD, ( meaning me) and didn't take care of it

He asked me to just trust in what he'a doing to try and let him work to fix some things and make every day count from now on. I told him "I couldn't trust in something I don't believe in anymore". Because I had stopped believing that we could "actually have any REAL marriage relationship. (I had resigned myself to us just living in the same house, civily, and as roomates, but not as anything closer than that. Because I BELIEVED it, when he told me "I love you, but I'm not "in love" with you". Hearing that several times destroyed any hope for me, that we would EVER BE a real "married couple".

But, being disabled now, and can't work, and no current options left, I settled for this.

But, he said "I'm not asking anything from you, and you don't have to do anything." He does mean it. It's going to take some time and consistency, before. for I believe again. Truly believe.

We actually did have a great talk and it went well. But, there's aome serious groundwork has to be done first. I am not sure what's going to happen with this. So confused at the moment, and need consistency, love and such.

Well, not sure what I'll do next.

Thanks friends.

I can't imagine

Submitted by 1Melody1 on Sun, 05/03/2020 - 13:26

I can't image how it feels to have a husband who is trying at this point in time. I know what you describe is exactly what I wanted from my husband for a very long time - awareness and action. However, like you, I completely went over the hump into accepting our roomateship and never expecting for, hoping for or even wanting something more with him again. I know how hard it is to get to that point and how difficult it must be now to watch him wake up and try. At minimum, his commitment may improve the roommateship in terms of mess and maybe even communication. My thoughts are with you, dede and I really wish you the best.

Another thought...

Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 04/29/2020 - 12:04

Pelvic floor dysfunction could also be the cause of erectile dysfunction and other problems.

just have to say...

Submitted by julie jay on Sat, 09/05/2020 - 11:49

i've been on coming on here more years than i care to recall right now, and have always gained strength from your posts/strength, because we share the same faith...i've wrestled and wrestled with my inner beings, and with what is truly 'right', when i've entertained the thought of leaving...i do still have love for my husband, just not an intimate love like i first had...he wants sex all. the. time. and the last few years, it's more like just one more task i check off that i have to do for him...i do get pleasure, but when HE wants it, at HIS time, etc etc...but i digress into the laundry list of reasons i now hold so much bitterness and contempt for him...i literally feel more like his parent/guardian than his wife and lover...

anyway, to see and read this post, from you of all people, has been an eye-opener, for me, again, bc of the struggle within myself to do what is 'right'...

i'll be looking for your more recent posts on how this is going, 4+ months later...

many prayers and good thoughts your way :-)

Hi Julie.....

Submitted by c ur self on Sat, 09/05/2020 - 23:05

I'm sorry if my post sounds bad....I just want a peaceful life for both of us...For 12 years we haven't been able to get to that place.....Shouldn't acts of love just flow out of a person who is experiencing Jesus?

What is a person (spouse) suppose to do when their spouse lives like they had rather take a beating then do their vowed marital work? I can keep boundaries in tack, but, boundaries do not snuggle up beside you, and love you....They don't cook a meal or clean a floor....Boundaries can't stop addictions to TV...Boundaries want stop a person from being completely inconsiderate of their spouses needs and feelings....They can't stop hyper focus that is so bad you actually don't exist when they are self entertaining....Now it's something called pokemon Go....We spent tree day's at the beach....She hardly knew I existed....LOL....

I'm sorry Julie....I am just tired...

Blessings dear lady!

tired: me

Submitted by julie jay on Sun, 09/06/2020 - 00:40

that's where i'm at...i'm just mentally completely drained, to the point it has taken it's toll on my health...i'm barely more than a skeleton now...i do still have some love for him, but my survival instincts are really starting to kick in, i feel like i'm constantly on borrowed time...every fight or blow up, i feel like a little bit more of me physically dies...

nothing bad in your post at all, LOL!! :-) it was more a relief than anything...i'm just so lost and don't know really what to do....

Love

Submitted by c ur self on Sun, 09/06/2020 - 04:43

I hear you Julie... (IMO) It's easy enough to recognize reading on this site for years, it has never been about our love, commitment (feelings) for our spouses... It's about the intrusive/abusive and abandoning behaviors we endure trying live in any kind of healthy way with them... When life stops (or never starts) being about ownership of behaviors, and how our actions effect our spouse, then we just find ourselves standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, with an unconcerned train bearing down on us...At some point those survival instincts you mentioned kicks in...No body else is going take care of our mental, physical and emotional health if we don't....<3

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