My DH hits the floor running about 5:30 every morning. He doesn't stop doing his thing until about 11at night. I am not on his radar much at all. He doesn' t have time for the simplest things such as having meals together or just sitting and talking. He often complains that all I do is say no to him. That is probably true. I am weary of his constant running, constant screaming fits. I guess when he asks things from me my automatic thought pattern is when is my turn to be able to request things. He takes simple requests as insults or something. It makes him angry when I ask for his time or anything else. Yet I am supposed to jump at his every request. I don't get it. An example is that we live 45 minutes from the nearest city. I have been 3 times this week to the city. He decides we should go again today. Umm no I don't want to sorry. We have plenty of things we can do here but he just has to be going all the time.
Like the energized bunny
Submitted by Libby on 05/13/2018.
The best medicine for that....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hi Libby, when you have a spouse who seemingly unconsciously makes multiply requests of us most days, it can be hard to handle it constructively....The reason it's been difficult for me is...First and foremost, I don't do it to her or anyone else, because I think it is just plain wrong to do....We all need help at times in our lives, that isn't what I'm talking about.....It's when it's obvious that she could do it herself, but she has no convictions to not dump on me....Just spits out the neediness because I happen to be present...That's difficult....What makes it difficult for me anyway;)...If I do things (like I do a lot) just because I love her, and I'm available, she starts expecting it....So when I say no, that doesn't set well with her...So emotion / pouting usually occurs w/ no answers....I don't like that, but, I'm learning to ignore it....Her problem at that point only become partly mine, when I acknowledge any victim comment she might spew out....
Just like what you say here Libby...The best way to force accountability and make our spouses see their thoughtless and intrusive habits....Is to calmly say no, and walk away, no matter what else they might say....When I've tried to talk to my W about this dynamic, sadly I only get denial....
I tried to get her to do these two things: I told her to write down everything I request of her for a month (just requests) and that I would write down everything she requests of me for a month, and at the end of the month we can compare lists....No No...LOL...She didn't want any part of it.....So then I came up with a plan where she and I wouldn't ask each other for anything for three months....I told her that anything she did for me, I would consider it just an act of her love for me....And I told her anything that I did for her was just because I loved her....But no requests for 90 days....She said OK, and marched off, I was like in shock that she said yes....In about 5 minutes she stuck her head in the door and said..I'm not doing that....I just laughed...I understand where a lot of that comes from...But, bad habits (intrusive) can and must be recognized and broken if we are ever going to have a right relationship....
I'm starting to use qualifying statements with her....If she asks for something like "Will you make me a sandwich, because I'm running late for work! " I might say, yes I will because I love you, but not because you chose to lay in bed to long.
We (people who are married to someone who mindlessly dumps on us) must help them break bad habits and intrusive ways and still maintain a calm and level emotional state... Regardless if they are up and down emotionally through the exchange....
After one of these exchanges, my wife (most of the time) will come back around at some point and thank me not reflecting her emotional state....See she hears herself, they all do...:)
c
That sounds really exhausting
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
That sounds really exhausting! My DH does not have to be running all the time thankfully but he sometimes naps all day which is not great either. Your DH sounds like he could use some calm time with you. Maybe it will slow him down a bit. I am sorry you are having a hard time. I wanted to respond so you know someone is listening and understanding what you are going through. Is he taking medication? That has helped quite a bit with my marriage.