I am the non-ADHD spouse and my husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD. We've been together 13 years, married for 8. He finally sought a diagnosis after a few years of impulsive decisions that had a increasing impacts, financially and emotionally, on our family and I was at the end of my rope. He is trying meds and in therapy. I have decided to stick with it with the hope things can improve. This forum has been so enlightening for me and so grateful I found it. So many things said here I could have written myself.
Among the many ways our relationship suffers is this sense that things are constantly on his terms, and it's been getting worse. If I ask if he wants to do something with me - either in the now or sometime in the future - he deflects, avoids answering, or sometimes it seems like a look of panic crosses his face for a moment. I'm not talking about big or difficult asks. I'm asking about things like sitting together for a few minutes on a quiet evening, seeing a movie, having dinner together (either out or one that I've cooked), listening to the outdoor concert a block away, going for a walk, intimacy, etc. I have tried being clear about what I want but that doesn't help. As a result, I rarely even bother to ask anything anymore. Forget about asking big things, I long ago learned not to bother planning trips or buying tickets to events in advance. As I write this it is a beautiful evening, the kids aren't home, and he's on some mission to accomplish a task that has been sitting for a month but is suddenly urgent. I'm lonely.
But then.... fast forward to a few days after I've asked about 'x', and he'll ask me if I want to do that 'x' and gets angry and withdrawn if I say no. Early on I would have said yes because I figured I should take what I can get. For a while now though, I feel resentful that things have to be on his terms and say no. If I go along with it I just feel sad and angry the whole time. If I try to explain why I'm saying no, he doesn't, or says he doesn't, remember what happened. This same dynamic plays out trying to find a time to have meaningful talks about our relationship. He'll walk in a room and start talking and I feel blindsided. I explain that I would prefer to plan a time so we, or at least I, can both be clear and focused. and he deflects. I'm not sure how we'll be able to work on improving our relationship and finding ways to navigate marriage and family with his ADHD if we can't just be together let alone make time to really communicate. I find myself wondering why I should stay if I'm basically living alone plus managing the household because he hasn't been a partner in a long time. It's like this weird cycle where to fix one thing we have to fix another.
I'd so appreciate knowing whether non-ADHD spouses have felt this way and/or get some perspectives about what's going on in his head.
Exactly the same with doing something together
Submitted by lonelybird on
I think it is a combination of oppositional defiance and impulsivity. When I make a suggestion to do something together, he feels like I'm telling him what to do, and this is a big no. (When asked why he says he "doesn't feel like it".) When the same idea pops up in his head later, it's suddenly a great idea, and if I say no, he does it by himself (because now he "feels like it") and is angry at me for saying no.
(Interestingly, when his friends call and invite him at a moment's notice, he is super excited and out the door in a minute. And he always "feels like it".)
He also contradicts himself (it would be hilarious if it wasn't so sad) by saying that I am angry because he is not working today (Sunday). The truth is I have been asking him since Friday if we want to do something fun on the weekend because we both worked so much lately.
I have no answer how to handle it, either you go along and take what you can get (as you said), or you do a lot of things separately. That's where I'm at. We hardly communicate, planning is impossible. I'm detaching. I'm struggling. I'm detaching more.
Things on their terms.
Submitted by kathleenv on
I have the same issues with doing things that suits his schedule, often things need to be done in a particular order to be appealing to my husband.
he has started back on his adderall with incremental increases in dosages, we are finding some small wins and improvements.
so don't give up, things can get better.
The look of panic
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Hello, sorry about what you describe.
The look of panic I recognize. I have asked my ADD husband why he flinches and goes quiet when I ask him something. He explained it and I've understood it as follows.
When I present an idea, an urge, or ask his opinion or preference on almost any matter, he goes blank. He knows I'll be upset if he can't answer something. His mind then races in panic. He has no clue to how to make or effectively use plans, he has no real ability to think about the future, he can't imagine that which doesn't yet exist, he can't prioritize. Instead of considering the options I've mentioned, he re-experiences all his shortcomings in the past. He is ashamed. He probably also feels trapped by me and my permanent longing for stuff he can't provide. He typically pauses for a whole minute and I conclude there is no answer to be had.
Lately I've started to think it's just his disability being poked.
I'm aware of the pain he's felt all these years for disappointing me. It's depressing for us both. I often lose the initiative and drop the subject.
The big question is how I'm supposed to live and co-parent with him but not involve him in my plans, goals or expectations.
Hi Swedish Coast, thank you
Submitted by Ruralmom on
Hi Swedish Coast, thank you for sharing that explanation. It makes sense, at least as much sense as I can make out of all this. I am familiar with that long pause also. It is hard for me to understand why he hasn't shared any of that inner turmoil for all these years and I'm still trying to wrap my head around and feel compassion for his feelings of shame and pain about not being able to give what I want or need. I have to set aside my own hurt and anger to do that and it's hard. I'm sorry you are in this place too and I hope you find a path forward.
Not sharing
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Yes, isn't it sad ADDers often don't seem to speak of their worries? I wonder if it's because they can't imagine our thoughts, as we often can't imagine theirs.
I feel for you too. Your hurt and anger are valid.
Compassion for my ADD spouse is somewhat scarce a lot of the time. I don't blame him for having ADD. I'm just fed up with the dysfunction. Sometimes I need the slack.
At least nowadays, I can go a long way by just stating I don't blame him. He knows it's true. In desperate hours, I can allow myself some despair and still deny the blame. It helps, since a non-ADD person also has to let off steam from time to time. Symptoms are a pain.
I wish you all the best. Don't forget your feelings matter just as much as his.
the panic look explained
Submitted by doghome on
Reading thru these posts is helping me understand so much about my adhd husband. That panic look, that blank look...I have to admit at times the thought of "you cant be that dumb" or the deer in the headlights look, ran thru my mind and after learning what causes it, makes me feel bad after all these years of not knowing. Hes only been diagnosed in the last year and we are still learning. Granted alot of damage and distance is already been done but we are trying to figure it out. It helps to read some of this and know its not just me, or us. One of my biggest frustrations has been when I ask him something that he should know and he cant answer, he does go to panic mode knowing he will disappoint me. Your description sounds so much like what we deal with. He cant plan anything for the future much less for tomorrow and it all falls on me. I try to get him to start the day off by asking "ok what did we have planned for today?" cause it irritates me when he pretends like he knows when honestly hes faking it and hoping I will indicate something to trigger his memory. I tell him, just ASK when you dont know, but he has a hard time with that too.
I feel fortunate in the fact he is not agressive, not angry like some, and he is very loving and loyal but a little distant at the same time, if that makes sense. We have been married 25 years, no kids and sometimes now I thank my stars for that. He finally sees it and wants to be better otherwise I would of left, we are just beginning to see if we can live with this or not
also wanted to ask
Submitted by doghome on
I wanted to ask too, one of the worst times for that panic mode to set in is when the topic of "remember when" comes up wether with me or around family and friends. They will say "oh yes, remember when we did yada yada" and I look at him and its blank. This is adhd or bad memory? We cant really reminisce because he doesnt remember sooo much or he remembers incorrectly. This does 2 things, makes me feel lonely and that the last 25 years are gone to him, and only in my mind, and it makes him paranoid that he will suffer Dementia like we just watched his dad go thru. How do you know what is bad memory and what is adhd?
Remembering
Submitted by Swedish coast on
That question was for me? Sorry, I have no idea about a connection between ADD and poor memory or memory loss. True, my husband is vague about the past and sometimes if we argue he doesn't remember afterwards what we said and such. Mostly though I've felt my husband is caught in the present, meaning he has no sense of future and seldom talks of the past. So in our case not memory loss per se, I think.
He does have an outstanding memory of history book stuff that I would never be able to recall, though. Rather extraordinary.
thank you
Submitted by doghome on
Now that you describe it that way it does kinda fit, I never looked at that way. He is the same about arguments or even agreements we make, next day its a toss up if he will remember them and he never plans for the future, more spontaneous I guess. Sometimes its good what he doesnt remember but there are those memories I wish I could talk to him about and he wont remember. It bothers him as well and we are not sure if its adhd or failing memory or how to tell the difference
Agreements are gone
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Oh yes, the agreement part I can very much relate to. It seems ADHD people will gladly say yes to whatever somebody suggests. It's pleasing to that person in the moment and that in turn makes the ADHD person happy. The actual agreement is not remembered at all. There is no connection between the ADHD deal and a follow-through later. I've understood this is one of the major reasons non-ADHD partners want to pull their own hair out.
I feel for you, my husband
Submitted by mumandwifeofadh... on
I feel for you, my husband has adhd, I don't. I also feel like I am living and managing a household alone. It is so LONELY.
It's not easy but I think it's important to try to separate out personality traits from adhd where possible, and to get an idea of what extent adhd symptoms are treatable. Both things are high in my mind right now because I am thinking about whether or not I can stay in my marriage and what can change and what is and is not likely to.
This makes me think of your husband's need to do things on 'his terms'. I can tell you this is not my husband's problem AT ALL. My husband doesn't arrange anything or even think of what his terms are because life just happens to him. Just saying because the 'his terms' thing might not be related to his adhd, it might just be an unconscious preference! Not advice but food for thought. My husband and I have had lots of discussions/arguments around such things, what can be attributed to adhd and whether I can expect him to behave differently.
It is lonely being the non
Submitted by Ruralmom on
It is lonely being the non-ADHD spouse. The more I reflect on it the more that seems to sum it up. Since he was diagnosed and started medication and therapy pretty recently I'm still waiting to find out what is possible or what can change. Depending on the hour of the day I might be wanting to stay and figure that out, or I might be almost out the door.
You have a really good point about not everything being related to ADHD! Right now he will attribute everything to it, although for this particular issue he says he doesn't know what I'm talking about and then clams up. Certainly there have to be some personality traits that are independent of ADHD. That is going to be tough to tease out.
Very
Submitted by StumpedInSeattle on
Very lonely indeed :( ....