No diagnosis, this is my first time visiting the site.
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We live 30 minutes from the "big city" where I work.
One day I texted H and let him know I was stopping to pick up chicken. I said, "I'm bringing home chicken for dinner. I'll be there in 30 minutes. Go ahead and start some side dishes like green beans etc."
He texted back, "Aight."
Then I texted, "It's taking a while for them to get the chicken ready, so it might be about 45 minutes before I get there, but maybe you can peel potatoes, too."
Then I texted, "Ok. I'm on my way. Go ahead and start the side dishes. See you in 30 minutes."
He texted, "Ok. I'm on it."
I got home and brought in the chicken. I set it down. He came over and picked it up, grabbed some dishes from the cabinet, and went to set the table. This is kind of odd, because he's usually not that "on" but it happens... and I don't question it.
A few minutes later he says from the dining room, "Oh. You only got chicken? You didn't bring home any beans or potatoes?"
I'm sure I didn't handle it "correctly" because I said, "No. I asked you to make them. You said you would. What part of "go ahead and make the side dishes" made you think I was going to bring them home? You even said you were on it."
That shut him down.
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My therapist has encouraged me to "let things go" and just take care of me when I can.
One opportunity I took one night was that I went to bed without making the rounds of shutting down the house, locking doors, checking the thermostat, things like that. He was playing a video game and planning to stay up late so I kissed him and told him I was going to bed.
He came to bed around 3am.
I got up around 8am and smelled something weird. I went downstairs. All the lights were still on, the doors were not locked and the pot that we used to boil water for extra humidity in the house, was still sitting on the stove on high. The pot was dried up and the metal was "burning" in that it was super hot and smelled bad. We have one of those flat surface stoves so it didn't catch fire. I also think it shuts itself down to half heat after so many hours... but I'm not sure.
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Another time I decided that I wasn't going to take care of everyone's everything when we took five of our kids to the pool. (two babies live with us, three live with their mom and visit very often).. We all went to the pool. I didn't care if everyone had a towel, they were in charge of their own stuff. Things like that. H was in charge of the 2 year old boy. I was in charge of the 3 year old girl. Everyone else was on their own. After a few hours at the pool, we drove home. The babies were in their car seats behind us.. the girl behind me, the boy behind H. All the other kids were in the third row seating.
We got home and, again, I didn't harp on anyone to get their suits or towels or to go take showers etc. I told H I was going to take the girl in and shower/dress her. I asked him if he would take the boy. He said he would. I took the 3 year old girl in and showered her off. I figured H would bring the boy in to get his shower before the other kids jumped in. I went downstairs and asked him if he would. He said he would. Then he asked me where the boy was. I told him that I didn't know. I had been upstairs with the girl.
After all of the kids looked around the house for a bit, H went outside to look for the 2 year old boy... he found him. In the driveway, in the car, in his car seat with the windows rolled up on a 100 degree day. He had been out there for at least fifteen minutes. His face was red but he wasn't crying. H is a paramedic and checked the baby out.. and he turned out to be fine.. but what if I hadn't "nagged" H about it???
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Other examples are just me living Groundhog Day all the time. Every single conversation is a new topic. There is no picking up where we left off. There is no follow up to anything because if I want to tell him what has happened as an update to something we talked about a day or so ago.. I have to retell the beginning because he won't know who what where when from the previous story.
I feel 100% disconnected. Our "deepest" conversations are about things like the weather. I don't think he could pass a basic quiz about me.
We've been married 5 years and have two babies together, but 7 children total between us.
I can NOT tell you how many times he will ask me something that we have already talked about. Or he'll start telling me a story and I'll tell him that he just told me that yesterday.. or whatever.
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Usually, we text or talk sometime before noon if I'm working in town. By 1pm he hadn't answered my texts or calls.
I got busy and I was having to work late and I wanted to let him know... but he wasn't answering the phone.
I was about an hour past my normal time to leave work... I tried to call him to let him know I was ok and to see if he needed anything from town.
I stopped at the grocery store and called before I left just to be sure we didn't need anything. No answer.
It was just him and the two babies at home. I wasn't sure if he would have fed everyone yet.. so I went by the fast food place and called him again. No answer.
I tried to call him again a few more times during my 30 minute drive. No answer.
By the time I pulled into the driveway (2 hours late), my adrenaline was up and I was more than a little nervous.
I walked into the house. The kitchen is the first room to walk into.. and I saw there were several cabinets open. I looked over and the fridge was open. I could tell it had been open for a while because the light had shut off.. which it does after the door is left open for 10-15 minutes.. something like that.
There was a box of crackers spilled on the floor.
My heart started pounding and I went through the house afraid of what I might find.. and there he was, on the couch with the remote in his hand. His phone laying there on the arm of the couch.
He smiled and said, "'sup?"
I wanted to punch him.
I asked him why he hadn't answered his phone all day...
He said it hadn't rung. He looked at it and it was on silent. Ok. I asked why he didn't think anything was "up" when he hadn't heard from me during the day... didn't he start to worry at all when I was an hour late and hadn't even let him know I had left town yet like I always do? Didn't he worry when I was almost 2 hours late? And WTH is up with the kitchen??
He looked at me as if I had three heads.
We had a pretty good fight that night because, for me, there was such a cumulation of me pushing down all of these feelings of him just not being present or caring about anything.
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Another time, I called him on my way home and told him I'd be there in 30 minutes. I usually do this so I can find out if we need anything from town. He said he didn't need anything... so I said I was on my way. Well, I decided to stop at the store and get a few things so I wound up being an hour instead of 30 minutes.
I got home and the back door was locked. I don't carry a key to the back door because we never lock it (small town). I knocked on the door. Nothing.
I knocked a few more times. Nothing.
I was carrying groceries.. so I kicked the door as a way to knock louder. Nothing.
I called him on my cell phone. Nothing.
I called again. Nothing.
I put the groceries down and banged on the glass as hard as I could with my knuckles. I wasn't so sure I wouldn't break the glass or make my knuckles bleed I was banging so hard.
Finally, the 3 year old came around the corner inside the house. I could see her through the glass.. she came and unlocked the door.
I went straight to the living room and he looked up from his video game and said, "Oh. Was that you knocking?"
I said, "YES. Why didn't you let me in??"
He said, "I thought it was a neighbor kid. They were knocking on the front door earlier."
I said, "You could have gotten up to look. You knew you locked the door. You knew I was on my way home. I'm 30 minutes late. Didn't something inside your head put it together that this MIGHT be your wife who is late coming home banging on the door so hard?? Didn't something remind you that you locked me out? Didn't you think of me when you locked the door??"
He looked at me as if that would never cross his mind. He said, "You don't know what those kids were doing earlier... I thought it was them."
I said, "I don't care what they were doing. You KNEW I was coming home. You knew the door was locked. You knew I didn't have a key. Am I supposed to just stand out there till.... when?? You couldn't get up and see if it was the kids because you were expecting me home?? AND if those kids were pounding the way I was pounding, you SHOULD get up and go deal with them! Not to mention I tried to call you to tell you I was out there.."
he shrugged and pulled his phone out of his pocket and said, "Hm. I didn't hear it." He said it in such a way as though I should just take that as acceptable.
THAT turned into a 24 hour "burn" for me. I was so done after that incident. Because it was not the first time I felt totally like he didn't even remember I existed or care or think of me at all.
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He does things like leaving the hose in the yard running for an entire day and night. On a normal month, our bill is over $200.. so you can imagine how my gut feels when I find a hose running and we count back and realize it has been running for at least 24 hours.
I could go on and on and on. Those are just things that have happened recently...
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Again, this is my first day even knowing about this condition and coming to this board on the advice of my therapist. I'm trying hard not to "self diagnose" but reading everyone's stories, it sure is tempting to say "That's it!"
Thanks for reading. :)
Don't bother me with your existance
Submitted by jennalemon on
Reading your note reminds me of so many times I have been in a panic fear because dh does not do those communication things that any partner/family member/person would do. At the very beginning, I would call the police because he was "Missing" before I got the hang of it that dh would just not call when he didn't want to come home after work but rather put his family "out of his mind" and just "do his own thing." When my first born was a baby, Dh sometimes would not come home at night after work until 3am or later....no phone call. I actually would find someone in the middle of the night to watch the kids while I went with the car looking for him in the ditch or at the bars. No phone calls....ever. The thought ran through my mind many times when we were younger, "I can't let my young boys with him for any length of time". I thought it dangerous and not good modeling to let them be alone with him.... as if I needed to monitor him. I am sure he "felt" it and is angry that I would be monitoring his time with the children and now grandchildren. But, like you, I was afraid for their well-being. Dh seems so in his own world, that he does not respect, or even acknowledge, others who depend on him. It didn't occur to me about MY well-being all those years.
It seems his amusements are more important to him than his family. Even the tv shows and radio shows and crossword puzzles have his total focus and we are told not to interrupt these things because they are important to him.
I write because I am trying to accept so many things that frustrated me and I "coped" with in our marriage. Now I see how I wasted so many years of my life trying to do something impossible - get him to pay attention and care about people around him. And my "coping" got me through the days and the years and the decades. I look back now and believe that I was wrong to be so forgiving and supportive of him. I took too much responsibility for him on myself. It was lonely and felt like rejection every day. I thought I was being strong keeping the family together. I wasn't being strong, I was coping with a bad situation rather than changing the bad situation.
He does not respect me. He sees me as weak. Maybe because I "took" (accepted?) his bad behavior. He once said to me. "If I was you I would have divorced me." Maybe what I did was "weak". I hate that. I thought compromising and being vulnerable were good things in a relationship. In a normal, loving relationship..it is. But this is not a normal relationship. This is a relationship that needs to be managed instead of cherished and trusting. This is not a marriage. This has been a confining loony bin for me and an annoyance with benefits to him. I am not being weak anymore...but it took me SOOOO long. The longer you are in a situation, the harder it is to change yourself. Because a prisoner doesn't know what to do with freedom anymore. But with the help of this site and some other support people in my life, I am trying to get clarity and courage.
Groundhog day
Submitted by lauren07 on
I have went through similar and the same things with my husband. I find no humor in most of it. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I thought it was just me being too picky about men as usual, but it got so bad that I thought he had early onset Alzheimer's. Google led me to adhd several times, but my husband wasn't hyperactive. He was the opposite. I must have finally read a story here that clicked for me. I sent my husband to get diagnosed and he did, but he chose antidepressants instead of adhd meds. He didn't change and now had an excuse. I moved back to my home 6 months ago, but he moved in with me 2-3 weeks ago. I wanted to see his extra money continue to go to our child, not rent and bills. There was no change and within a couple weeks I told him to get out. His staying really helps me out financially, so I compromised. The compromise is that I have no expectations of him doing anything to help me, except financially. Without expectations, you can't be let down. How sad is that?!
It will be another 6 months living together before we buy a duplex or home with a separate mil suite. I want our son to have us close by and god knows we can't afford two houses, so this is the plan. Oddly enough, I suggested that we move closer to my husband's family. About 20 hours north, away from my beloved beaches. The compromise is that we live near a great lake. I need the water. I have no family and my husband's family is amazing. I want my son to grow up around that. Also, if his family lives two hours away, there is a great chance they'll spend his free time with them and this introvert can get lots of alone time lol;) Our moving hinges on him getting a job there before I do. He has many contacts, so I know it can be done. If he lets his adhd get in the way, then we stay here until he gets it together.
Threadjack;p
So funny, I thought my
Submitted by MFrances on
So funny, I thought my husband had early Alzheimer's too until I read about ADHD! Or that he just didn't care about us. Which is true to an extent too. The hyperactive part confuses a lot of people I think. That's what is mostly talked about, especially with kids. Most people don't know there are several types, I didn't. Even my husbands family said he can't have ADHD, he's not hyper.
I said "that's it" on the
Submitted by MFrances on
I said "that's it" on the advice of my son's therapist and after reading a book she recommended. It's hard not to do. I'd like someone to give concrete examples of how to "let things go and take care of you when you can". I've read that in so many books and articles. Setting boundaries is the same thing. How can you do that when the person you live with, share your life with and share responsibilitiess of children, when he won't follow through. And you know he won't follow through, you know you can't count on him, so you have to do it. Or look what would have happened...you gave such good examples, some scary and I'm so sorry for that. My husband knows nothing about me either. We would fail at the newlywed game and we have been married for 12 years. He doesn't remember anything I say, or that we talk about. It's very frustrating. I'm so glad you found this site. I'm glad you are getting help, hopefully your husband will too.
That's It.
Submitted by Berlie66 on
This is so true. My husband is the same, it is always the same he behaves like he doesn't care about his family only himself. With his possible ADD I find it so interesting that he can't plan or remember anything if it has to do with me, us or the kids.....but never any issues planning or following through on anything for himself! And yes I try to let things go as well to make it easier on me............but go figure, if I don't do it who will..........he may say he will but hardly ever do I see the follow through, it is one dissappointment after another!!
Now 10 min. later.................my husband just tells me he has been seeing my posts on the website and is telling me how horrible I am for talking to strangers about him. He can be forgetful, lazy, rude, mean and irritable............block doorways and be threatening but I can't vent and communicate with people who know what I am going through...........really????
How does he even know it is
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
How does he even know it is YOU talking about HIM?? I mean, most of us here use no real names or anything...and our stories are so similar most of the time that I don't think anyone else besides the 2 people involved could glean exactly who it was most of the time.
How does he know it is you
Submitted by Berlie66 on
I went away for a week and he was on our home computer which he does not typically go on and I have it set up so that when replies/comments are posted I get the email alert, so this is what he saw. It is fine, he was just being a jerk again at that moment, nothing new!! Not like I am going to stop seeking the advice/experience of my peers. I am on here to get a better understanding so that I can help myself and him as much as I can....if that is not a good reason, he won't be around long will he.
Reminds me so much of my husband
Submitted by snsforever916 on
Sadly, their communication skills don't change much and makes you want to scream sometimes. Especially when we nag them...actually it gets a lot worse.
However, I will say that I have for the last 2 years done what I like to call reverse psychology. I do not call, do not text, do not communicate. If he misses something...he misses it. I do not count on my husband for anything. I kinda act as though I am a single mother. I take care of all the bills. I take care of our kids. I do everything. My husband only has to work and plays video games.
I will say that he has gotten A LOT better in communication, chores and caring for the kids. The less I nag, the less I expect...the better he gets.
I wish you the very best... :)
"However, I will say that I
Submitted by redhead1017 on
"However, I will say that I have for the last 2 years done what I like to call reverse psychology. I do not call, do not text, do not communicate. If he misses something...he misses it. I do not count on my husband for anything. I kinda act as though I am a single mother. I take care of all the bills. I take care of our kids. I do everything. My husband only has to work and plays video games.
I will say that he has gotten A LOT better in communication, chores and caring for the kids. The less I nag, the less I expect...the better he gets."
Yep. I can't rely on my husband for ANYTHING. For example, he told me two years ago that he would be cleaning out the storage, which is full of stuff that I have dragged out of the house to the dump and he has "rescued". Instead of getting rid of that stuff, he started up yet another storage space to "organize" it all. That was in August and was supposed to be max two weeks. It's now January. Guess who's paying for it?
The entire bottom half of our house is chock-full of his "collectibles" and boxes of garbage. I work from home, and instead of working in my own space, I get the kitchen table. He gets an entire garage and two bedrooms downstairs. What does he do all day? Find right-wing websites to rant on.
I stopped thinking he was anyone to rely on years ago. I take care of all the bills, all the "adult" stuff, like taxes, investments, etc. He does laundry and cooks a few meals. I gave up on him trying to get a job years ago. He can't keep a job.
He calls himself a "stay at home dad", but he can't manage even the simplest of projects. I can't rely on him for anything.
However I will say...........
Submitted by Berlie66 on
Your comment was enlightening for sure, but I have wasted so much of my life another 2 years to get him to become a little better.............can't do it, I am better off being the true single mom I am acting like I am right now. He will not get better at all until he owns his illness and he just is a blamer...........the learned helplessness guy!
Yes, I agree...2 years is a
Submitted by snsforever916 on
Yes, I agree...2 years is a while to wait. It's frustrating and at times I feel as though I would pull all my hair out because how could this person be this immature, naive, lazy, hurtful, wasteful, angry, illogical?...and on and on etc! It's a waiting game for me. Until my children are in school all day and do not have to go to a sitter, I will remain married.
Our marriage was over years ago. We have separate rooms, separate friends, separate lives. They only thing we talk about is the weather, the kids and stupid things like his employees getting arrested for DUI's. Other than that we are roommates at best.
I wish I can say that a marriage with an ADD or ADHD person will get better with time or on it's own but it doesn't. It takes a very patient, loving and caring non ADD/ADHD who can really be willing to give up being right, happy and sane for much of their lives. It also takes the ADD/ADHD spouse to be cognitive of their actions, willing to work on behavior control, willing to go to counseling to unlearn their fallible coping mechanisms, willing to try medication and lifestyle changes. It’s a lot to give up and work on and most people just won’t or don’t want to.
My spouse constantly blames me (I’m non ADHD) instead of trying to see where his behavior has caused or escalated situations. I am the one that is quick to forgive or even say sorry just to get past it all. In our near 8 year relationship he has said sorry once…When he impregnated another woman…so yay it’s near impossible to work on a relationship with someone so immature…so beyond correction…so not interested in changing.
For my sanity and the sanity of my children, I’ve decided to let the little things go. He never listens to things I ask him to do. Even if I make it so easy that all he has to do is open a plastic baggy and throw the contents in a crockpot and turn said crockpot on…he still gets it wrong or forgets…It’s not important to him and never will be. AND if it’s not important to him it won’t get done correctly, even if started at all.
I have begun to feel bad for people with ADHD. Their lives are chaos and they are so deep in denial(most) that they cannot even see how splendid their lives could be if they just tried to work on it. Outsiders(people who have never lived with an ADHD person) do not believe that ADD/ADHD exists or just say it’s that person being lazy etc But honestly I would not trade places with my husband ever! ADD/ADHD is the craziest thing I have ever witnessed. It’s not some made up disease or way for people to get pills. It’s the worst thing you can ever have. You look “normal”, even can sound “normal” but the chaos that goes on in their brain…just makes me sad.
Yep. I have already been told
Submitted by lauren07 on
Yep. I have already been told by doctors that it is a made up problem:/
It truly is sad when a person can't even manage to wash grease off the bottom of a plate. Our scrub wand is constantly overly saturated with Dawn, so he just did not wash it at all. When asked about the dish, he said he cleaned it lol. Such child like denial. It was so greasy that I could write my name on it.
2 years too long...........
Submitted by Berlie66 on
Boy did you hit the nail on the head with all that. So very true on my side and his! The word "illogical" sums it all up for sure. Going to try Melissa's seminar, if that doesn't work then it is over for me. Thanks for everyone's insight into this extremely dibilitating illness.