Hello! I have been educating myself as much as possible about the issues of being a non-ADHD spouse married to an ADHD spouse. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD and other co-morbidities 8 years ago. His response to the diagnosis was to ignore it. Needless to say, my life with his is extremely difficult, exhausting and challenging.
One area of constant frustration involves his basic communication or speech patterns. I don't know if its bcs I can't articulate the exact issue, but I can't find any good information on what is happening and what to do about it. (That's the most important.)
Specifically -
1. In conversations, he has to have everything repeated 3 times. Exactly 3. I will make a statement - eg. 'it's raining.' His response is 'ITS RAINING?' I used to say, 'yes, it's raining.' Followed by 'ARE YOU SAYING ITS RAINING?' which used to be followed by an eye roll from me and a third exclamatory 'ITS RAINING?" I learned to stop repeating myself, which usually makes him angry. I now only say things once. I also don't understand the heightened emotional response from him (hence the caps.) I'll say something in a flat conversational tone, and his response is vocally over the top. Like I said the house is on fire.
2. You can't call him on the phone. Seriously. I've called him about 5 times in 20 years. His response when he answers is to tell you right away, for whatever reason, he can't talk to you. I suppose I could text and warn him I have an issue I would like to discuss, but that seems such heavy heavy lifting for me? Are people with ADHD just unable to take unexpected calls? Obviously, in 31 years of marriage there have been some serious emergencies and I just have learned to never call him, it does no good in solving any issues.
3. Monologues - this is a hard one. He will talk forever on automatic about things he cares about. He doesn't look at me for engagement, it's just like someone hit 'talk' and off he goes. I could be the dog. If I interrupt he gets annoyed, if I leave he gets annoyed. These monologues are never about things in my life. For my own mental health, I just leave now. I don't need to feel any more resentment.
4. Extended silences. If we do talk, and there's some actual give and take, he just clams up. I can ask a direct question about anything, and there can be a silence of such duration I actually get bored. He literally becomes mute. Stubbornness? Control?
5. Hinting. Nothing is ever direct. It's always some hints i'm supposed to follow. I don't, which annoys him. Example - he liked the tv louder than I do. If I was watching by myself, he would walk in the room, sit down and say 'you can turn up the tv if you want to.' Naturally I would say, no, I'm fine, which would also annoy him.
I apologize for the long post, and the "picky" things I'm bringing up. But they really really effect my day to day life and communications with him. I can't find anything about these 'patterns' - maybe they're too trivial to talk about? And FYI, his mother has the exact same communication patterns. She is, sadly, a very disturbed woman, so maybe this isn't ADHD?
Communication patterns
Submitted by sickandtired on
My ex boyfriend would often repeat the last few words of a statement I made, like if I say “the dog is chasing the cat”, he would say “chasing the cat”. Many times I would tell him about an idea I had, and he would immediately repeat it, but frame it like it was his idea. I would say, you realize I just said that word for word don’t you? Also frequently, when trying to describe something to me, like a thing or a feeling he would rephrase in mid sentence, almost like a stutter, but instead of repeated syllables, he would continually alter his statement by replacing words, like “I’m confused, I don’t know, I’m unsure” or “Maybe if you, I wish you would, I would like it if you, what if you, .....did this favor for me?”
He would get hung up on certain words, like when we were getting to know each other online he described himself as “slim” then he said maybe slender was a better description, maybe skinny was a better word. Then he just left it by saying he definitely was not fat.
He could talk forever, especially concerning one of his many grievances. He would argue for sometimes 8 hours straight, while I was not allowed to say anything at all. He would accuse me of interrupting, or not listening if I said anything during those marathon monologues. He would follow me to the bathroom and just keep talking after I closed the door. It was maddening how he insisted on doing all the talking, saying I was being rude or disrespectful if I responded in any way. I broke up with him over 5 years ago. He now sends me ridiculously LONG emails, saying the same things over and over, like I ruined his life, I am evil, I deserve to suffer. I am talking 20 or 40 paragraphs on average. He STILL feels like he’s not being heard, and has no regard whatsoever that he is cyberstalking me. He wants to continually air his grievances, with absolutely no desire to solve any of his own problems. He blames me for the fact that he has not looked for a job or another woman in the last five years since I ended the relationship.
Mndisfam, my husband does the same
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Hello, nice to know you. I'm Dede, and have been on these boards for many years now, but the past couple years, I just check in occasionally. But, thought I'd add my two cents here, for whatever that's worth...lol.
Most of those things you listed are also things my ADHD husband has done/or does. The monologing, the only talking about things HE wants to talk about, the "not listening" to anything I have to say, etc. The first 10 -20 years or more, if I started to talk, he would stop me and say, "Okay, hurry up, get to the point", " Is this really important"?, "What do you expect me to DO about it", or "I don't have TIME for this right now", and "HURY UP, HURRY UP, I don't have all day here".
But, HE would expect me to listen to whatever he said, and ramble for an hour about nothing whatsoever to do with our lives. He also avoided any talk about US, and not wanting to open up, be vulnerable, and work towards a close knit "marriage". This was extremely damaging, and he wouldn't accept any constructive criticism, suggestions, or input on this. He also stopped affection and/or having sex very often until it became non-existent.
Those in DENIAL of their ADHD symptoms and effects, are the ones who do this the most, and won't admit they need help. I did find that his mother (bipolar, but diagnosed late in life) caused enormous damage in their family because of her mental illness. She was an angry, bitter, cold and unloving person who blamed her husband and everyone else for her unhappy life. Her husband, my father-in-law, had NO clue how to handle her, and they had a terrible relationship, which negatively affected all three children from the marriage. My H, being the middle child. My husband's two siblings both became drug addicted/alcoholics, and my husband did not. He went the academic route, having a "mensa" IQ, and lived for going to school, getting several degrees in music. But, music was NOT his gift, math was his gift, and should have pursued math, but had no guidance in what to do with his life. So, he went into just what made him "feel good". NOT a good way to choose a career, and music is the HARDEST profession to make a decent living in.
There are MANY things that their uncontrolled ADHD does that hurts them AND especially those who love them. Most of the poor coping skills they learn from their childhood, and for some reason, their mothers who also may be undiagnosed, cause the greatest damage.
My H's way of handling many things has been to "ignore it", and it will somehow "go away". It doesn't exist any more, and we don't dare being it up, because "it's over with". When it's not, but they work to not face anything "unpeasant", unless they can accuse someone else for it. That eases their conscious for a while, then let it go.
And some of your husband's behavior sounds very OCD , which a couple of peope in my family have. This is a co-morbid thing, which happens a lot. Most adhders have co-morbid conditions, along with their ADHD.
Never think these things are "picky", they're NOT. These are serious and even "over the top", behavior responses that they've learned to do, and it can really affect relationships, and work situations, etc. It's just getting them to accept that their ADHD BEHAVIOR SYMPTOMS" are causing damage and disruption, and CAN be.changed and helped. Getting them to accept this can be daunting, and some just refuse.
These boards are a great place to come and find information and friendship. I pray life gets better for you soon. Keep writing.
I can relate to a lot of this
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
1. My husband needs things repeated, too. Not exactly 3 times but either he will repeat/rephrase what I've said one to multiple times or he will ask me to say whatever I've said again. In his case, I think his mind is distracted by something else, I have come in and said "It's raining," and his mind needs time to switch gears. The repetition is his way of doing so. I think. Like he has heard the words "it's raining" but hasn't processed them yet and if he keeps saying it, he will switch gears and process the new information. The heightened emotional response is par for the course at my house, too. I will say, "My walk was so nice - people were out cutting their grass today and I love that smell." And he will YELL back, "I'LL CUT THE GRASS. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" He takes completely benign conversation personally and gets defensive all the time. I barely speak to him anymore to avoid it.
2. My husband is pretty good with phone calls but maybe your husband's issue has to do with the switching gears thing I mentioned?
3. Monologues. I hate these. I give him a few minutes now and if it's not a two-way conversation, I walk away. He is just looking for an audience and I already tolerate and indulge far too many of his symptoms to add this one to the list! I have tried the whole assertive thing to try to calmly get him to see how I feel and include me in a discussion vs. a monologue, but since I had zero success with that, I do as you do and walk away. I feel rude, but it's self preservation.
4. I would say the silence in our house is mainly instigated by me. Because talking inevitably leads to him raising his voice or "poking" at me to try to get a reaction, I try to keep things quiet. However, I can relate to the "mute" response when discussing any household or relationship issues. I think he just has no answers for me and doesn't care at all about what I'm bringing up. "Can you pick up your pop cans off the floor?" There can be twenty empties scattered around his chair along with food wrappers of all kinds. I refuse to clean this up. I get no response. "Can we talk about how we're going to support <daughter's name> with online school?" I get nothing.
5. I can relate. My husband hints all the time. Usually it's mean-spirited in his case. Though if I'm at my breaking point already I can blow, I try to ignore it and encourage my daughter to do the same. Once again, I have gone the normal assertive route with no results.
This isn't trivial at all... these day to day patterns add up. I would love a relationship where I could speak freely and my partner could do the same. I would love to speak without feeling trampled on, yelled at or ignored the majority of the time. I would love to feel heard and understood... an effort he categorically never makes. I think these are normal things to have or expect and it erodes the relationship when they aren't present. We feel alone and undervalued... at least I do.
So glad you wrote and I hope you can find some comfort in knowing you're definitely not alone!
Self absorbed minds have no room for others....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's amazing how long we will allow ourselves to suffer....Attempting to engage/communicate with someone incapable of it.....
(((Hugs)))
c