My husband received his diagnosis this week, and him and my son have taken off to visit his mother for the weekend. As I do research and read read read I'm having floods of realizations wash over me, it all makes sense. One of the things that I've felt so strongly for so long (we've been together for 10 years) is a strong sense of loneliness, and as though he never truly engages me in conversation, or is capable of empathy.
Some of these realizations are incredibly painful. For instance, the foundation of our relationship was built on for me was an experience I interpreted as empathy--but now I realize he just coincidentally was going through the same thing I was--and was talking about himself and what was going on for him in that moment.
Everywhere I look I see things that I've talked about--like getting a new comforter for our bed--and now I realize that he's not waiting for anything--or trying to deny me anything--it's just gone it was in that moment--and now it's over. The vacations that I've asked him for they are not ever going to happen unless I make them. He's never going to plan a birthday party for me, or even decide to take me on a date. He'll never realize that the utility room is full of recycling that needs to go out. Or that the light is still broken in the hall. Those things are not on his to do list--they are just part of the cloud for him. The dug-out pile of dirt backyard project is never going to get finished. The closets will always be full of piles of stuff. He'll always leave his bags everywhere.
This experience for me is ranging from the mere annoying--to the heartbreaking.
I share your grief
Submitted by jennalemon on
catysporleder. That was said so well. That is the grief that we share. That who WE are, now that we are coupled with someone so different and so uncompromising, who we are is canceled out to a certain degree. The loneliness is that of losing ourselves and losing our faith in commitment and trust. We are being asked to change who we are to accommodate someone else. We might be willing and loving enough to do that and be proud and rest lovingly if their inattentiveness and selective memory didn't cancel us out. Because everything we do for the sake of the relationship is not appreciated or remembered but rather taken as an insult to their ego. Our gifts of forgiveness, understanding, sacrifice and compromise are not even received in their minds and make us weak and vulnerable in their eyes and our own. And rather than being proud of our efforts and willingness to give "to the team" after we are through, we are ashamed of ourselves for giving too much and letting ourselves down. And then we realize their lack of executive planning has financially ruined our hope of hard work rewards because our savings go to their debts.
Change is difficult to implement without proper treatment
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Take heart. He just got diagnosed. ADHD sucks, which I know first-hand (totally hate this disorder), but it can get better with medication, the proper treatment and a whole hell of a lot of effort. He needs to be medicated to take the blinders off, though. Then, the real work begins. Just be ready for it to take a while. I hope he meets with success that benefits you both.
ADHDMomof2
P.S.
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
The description of things undone could have been mine, if that is of any comfort to you. I'm doing much, much, MUCH better now.
Yes. This.
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
Yes. This.
I've just joined this forum,
Submitted by Amearyo on
I've just joined this forum, and so much of what's been written here is like holding up a mirror on my own life. My husband is in the process of getting evaluated, after it first being brought up by a marriage counselor 16 years ago (we'll be married 18 years in September, together 4.5 years before marriage). It's been such a struggle and so very, very painful and lonely.
Wishing us all strength in this crazy life.