Just curious. Spouses, what was/is your relationship with your father? I ask because it occurs to me that if I could have talked to my Dad about these things and been assured that I would get support and that he would believe me, I could have made the necessary changes I needed to from the beginning and laying out the groundwork to be respected....or maybe I would never have had the over-tolerance to dh's actions and inaction and irresponsibilities. I never mentioned to my Dad about any problems...I only wanted him to be proud of me and believe I was OK....so he never knew what I was putting up with. I wanted to please my Dad and he didn't pay much attention to me . I even remember wanting to choose someone to marry so that my DAD would be comfortable with my spouse. Just wondering if there is a pattern. Many of us seem to be pleasers to our own detriment....afraid to make work to our own wants and needs met and then confused and angry because we don't get our needs met. Afraid to lay down the law with consequences. Any thoughts?
Come to think of it, I told my Mom some of the things going on and she dismissed them with, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonde". Then told me of her own woes as if these were expected things in love and life. End of my talking about it. No advice or offers of support. I am not angry at them. It is just the way it was normal with our family....not to talk about real problems. It was the age of repression in some families I guess. In my family, not one went to parents with problems because having a problem meant there was something wrong with you as in, "What's the matter with you?"
I would suggest, if you have parents yet, to practice asserting your own needs even if small, with them....if you can. Is there a connection?
My father was kind but
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My father was kind but somewhat emotionally distant. He died before the really big problems in my marriage erupted. He did model some behaviors, though, that left lasting positive expectations for me: honesty; being a good provider; generosity. My husband lacks these qualities. My mother is still alive. She was not one for talking about problems in her marriage but she has been very supportive of me, to the extent I've shared with her about my husband. My husband's father (his mother has Alzheimer's) is not generous, is secretive, and is not inclined to talk about problems, except to whine and blame other people.
My Pops
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Jennalemon,
My Dad was an extreme alcoholic for all the years I was at home. My Mom would wait dinner for him, until all 8 of us children were so hungry and in bad moods, she finally just let us eat. She believed in him, and his drinking got in the way. He found his sobriety in 1991. I did a lot of working through all the 'child of an alcoholic' issues. Still have scars, but mostly a lot of lessons. The emotional pain is gone.
My Mom was depressed, with 8 children, an alcoholic spouse, she didn't drive, we had no money. . . . . so I assumed a lot of the mothering roles. My Mom welcomed the help, I loved being helpful, and neither one of us knew how detrimental it would be to me to assume so much responsibility so young.
I have depression too, as do my sisters. Medication has aided my life tremendously over the past 15 years.
I share my life with my close friends, and my sisters and parents. Some know I am struggling in my marriage. They know I do not blame my husband for everything. They know I do not want to make him out to be some ugly monster. They know I want to air grievances/frustrations while not being disrespectful to who my husband is as a man and father. I do not want anyone to try to spark a fire by speaking disrespectfully of my husband.
Today I realized, I am under a great amount of pressure to be my husband's all-in-all. He has very few friends left. He is angry at almost everyone in his family, and several people in mine. We have no couples events. The lack of intimacy bothers me, but not so much to the extent as it does my spouse. It is way more than the man versus woman needs, as I am aware men have different and more intense sexual needs than women.
The lack of intimacy is not the only trouble, but he somehow believes it is. I really wish he would talk to someone about his marriage frustrations. He tells me he has worked so hard to hide the fact from everyone of what he has to live with, with me as his wife. I think if he started to share a bit, he may get some other feedback. LOL, or maybe everyone WILL tell him how horrible I am :)
I am secure enough in me and my own shortcomings to not worry about what others think or say about me.
How do you lay down consequences for a spouse?
I think my non relationships
Submitted by lauren07 on
I think my non relationships with my recovered alcoholic, dangerously religious dad and asperger mom is what helped me bail out of my dead end marriage early. My parents divorced when I was toddling. Both of my parents were around, but I was primarily raised by my amazing, early widowed Gramma;)