Hi everyone. My husband has ADHD and it has taken a huge toll on our relationship, due to infidelity and aggression on top of all the other stuff. We have a baby girl who is crawling and I am terrified of leaving her in his care. I have found ADHD medication lying around on the carpet because he doesn't store them properly. He empties the contents of his pockets (nails, screws) in random locations without thinking about it. She has been hurt a number of times under his care because of him being forgetful and distracted. He tries to drink hot coffee while giving her a bath. One time he was distracted and her head would have gone underwater if I had not intervened.
I know I'm not supposed to parent him, and I don't want to, but I'm incredibly fearful something will happen to the baby.
He takes medication and goes to counselling. I don't believe he does any of the "homework" though because he's "too busy".
Does anyone have any advice on how to co-parent with an ADHD spouse?
Advice--don't leave your
Submitted by dvance on
Advice--don't leave your child alone with him. I know this is a big huge pain in the neck, but what if she swallowed a pill he left lying around? I have been "co-parenting" with my ADHD spouse for 22 years and I can tell you it does not get easier. Now our boys are 16 and 18 and my DH undermines me at every turn. For example, the 18 year old blew his curfew by an hour and 15 minutes without letting us know and DH was unwilling to give him any consequence. DH has also paid a number of the older son's parking tickets despite the fact that we had discussed and agreed that the child was responsible for his own parking tickets. Those are just two small examples, and I have about 100 more. I am not trying to make your life more inconvenient, but I really would not leave such an irresponsible person alone with a child.
Do not leave the baby alone with him....ever.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
he's not to be trusted around the baby. He doesn't have her safety as a priority....obviously.
do you have family nearby who can babysit when you need someone to watch her?
he's also the type to forget that he has a baby in the car.....hot car child death.
<huge toll on our relationship, due to infidelity and aggression
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
huge toll on our relationship, due to infidelity and aggression on top of all the other stuff. W
<<<
why are you with him?
run.
We're separated
Submitted by Evie_K on
We're separated but at some point in time, custody may be an issue and it terrifies me.
Document everything he does
Submitted by dvance on
Document everything he does that endangers your child. I know this from a friend who went through a horrific, nasty divorce: if you don't want him to have solo visitation, only supervised, if any, you have to prove why he is not fit to be care for her without supervision. In my community, there is a resource for women thinking of divorce that can provide legal advice free of charge or on a sliding scale and they hold workshops and discussion evenings. See if your community has that--try calling the police non-emergency number. Most places have some type of mental health support and often divorce resources are linked to that. If you don't want to give your name, you likely don't have to on the phone. I have called this place in my neighborhood a few times to find out what my rights were should I decide to divorce my DH. You don't have to do anything with the information, but it's nice to have. Do NOT be caught off guard. The safety of your child is pretty much more important than anything else. As heartbreaking as it is to think about breaking up your family, I would wager many many of us on this site have thought about that at one time or another. For me, I do better with information. I don't have to act on it, but at least I know and can make a decision with all the facts available. I figure I have nothing to gain by sticking my head in the sand about the reality of the person I married. While my DH is not a danger to our sons (plus they are 16 and 18 now), he is a financial train wreck, has not held down a job for more than three years at a time, thinks very differently than me regarding consequences and expectations for our kids. Co-parenting with him now is a nightmare. I don't know if it would be better or worse if we divorced--on the one hand, I wouldn't see half of what he did, but on the other hand, I also wouldn't be there to de-program the stupid, wrong and plain irresponsible things he says and does.