Tired of getting the brunt of her anger at herself. My wife of 19 years has ADD and depression. I’ve been reading the blogs about the “Parent Child Relationship”and I must say that it’s happening in our life. Today, I saw that she was running out of her meds, so I called the doctor to see,if she could come in for the script. Yes, she got an appointment for 3:00. Wife was outside pulling weeds and I told her we need to hurry so as to get there on time. Taking her time, she finally came inside to ge ready. 2:30i reminded her we had to leave to get there in time. Well, we were 15 minutes late and now she has to wait for the other patients to be seen. Mad at herself, she, as usual, took it out on me. It’s all I can do to hold my tongue (sometimes). I made a vow to the Lord, for better or worse. So, I’ll keep my vow and continue praying that she gets better and we can have the marriage we had before. However, it’s getting harder and harder to love her. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Fed Up
Submitted by patlaap on 05/18/2018.
I understand your frustration
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I understand your frustration. Would it be possible for your wife to transport herself for obligations like this so you don't have to be inconvenienced by her being late?
Understand My Frustration??
Submitted by patlaap on
thanks for your response, PoisonIvy, but I believe you missed my point. It’s Certainly not an inconvenience for me t9 do things for m6 wife, and that wasn’t my point. My point was that suffer the brunt of her frustration every time she doesn’t plan things out. It’s always my fault! Yes, she certainly transports herself to places. This time we were going somewhere else after her appointment. When she makes a mistake, instead of admitting the mistake, she takes it out on me!
I did miss your point.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I did miss your point.
My ex-husband had a hard time admitting mistakes, too (and he might still, but I don't really know, given that we no longer live together). He would often say that things were not his fault. I understand perfectionism but I try very hard to acknowledge my own imperfections -- my humanness. I don't like it when other people won't acknowledge their mistakes and instead are willing to make other people feel worse by casting blame.
It was very hard for me to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
It was very hard for me to accept that I couldn't change my ex-husband. I couldn't make him treat me better. I couldn't make him stick with treatment for his ADHD, depression, and anxiety. I couldn't make him be grateful for the things I did for him. Accepting the limits of my power, although a difficult thing to do, was also liberating in the end.
Hi Patlaap
Submitted by c ur self on
It's a common for many of us, in the name of love and wanting what is best (in our view) for our spouses, we can easily get caught up in the dynamic you are in....I got there quickly....But, after I caught the brunt (as you say) of her frustration and blame I found out I must allow her to do it her way, no matter what the cost....It's acceptance!....She will never (like my wife) view things like you do...Or, think like you do....But, if we and I mean we, continue to hover over them like a mother chicken over her chicks, then we are setting ourselves up for blame because of their own disappointments and frustrations....
Besides....I don't know about you, but when I go to far w/ the mothering and she doesn't respond like I think she should (weed pulling)....Then my frustration level jumps way up, and I can speak to her in those condescending tones...Not good!...It's my job to love her, But Love never has been, and never will be thinking for them and trying to push them to do what we think they should....All that is our desire to fix what we think is broken...It's Control....
Leave her alone is my suggestion to myself so I will share the thought w/ you to....Let her live her way....It's her life....When you stop carrying her in life, she will step up....Acceptance vs expectations isn't easy, but, it will save you from being the target of her blame...
c
Thank You All
Submitted by patlaap on
Thanks for the response C. After reading the recent article about “Parent/Child” relationship, I realized that I was, indeed, parenting her. If I don’t clean the kitchen up, most times it doesn’t get cleaned. I’m constantly picking up after her because she won’t put things back after she finishes with them. There is no meaningful conversations between us. We are usually late for church because she doesn’t begin getting ready early enough, then I have to speed to get there. She refuses to go back to her doctor. All of this is extremely frustrating and I don’t know what to do. I have been to her doctor myself, to see if I could learn how to live with my wife.
Just be you brother....
Submitted by c ur self on
Boundaries my dear brother....I kiss my wife good bye and throw a bullitin in the seat beside me for when and if she makes it..LOL.... I do a lot of dishes, but, after years of doing it with a chip on my shoulder, now I just turn on the worship music and knock it out...I stopped using the dish washer, I hand wash, it's faster for me, and i try to catch them before there's to many....
Man I've learned to just walk past her piles....I leave her piles on her side of the bed alone....She just can't put anything on my side of the room....The stuff she piles on a rocker inside the den in arms reach of the dryer will stay there until she hides it for Christmas gatherings...I ignore it....Man you need to breathe,,,,,You need to live....Get your mind off of it....What do you like to do? walk? Run? Gym? Fish? Sports? Trips to the beach?
Brother turn your focus on to your own mental and physical health....Live for patlaap....IF you do that two things will happen....You will smile again....And she will grow up and be accountable when she see's you in a more peaceful mind...
Blessings Brother...
Praying for you...
c
I understand
Submitted by jeanmarie21 on
I started telling my DH that our appointments were 15 min earlier than they actually were so we could be on time. It is really frustrating when he starts clipping his nails as we walk out the door and that takes 10 mins. Anyway, I got used to it and have tried to make attempts to get us out the door on time but I am not always successful. He makes his own appointments, gets his own meds,and pretty much functions well now on his own but I had to let go of everything for him to do it. Take a deep breath and let go if you can. Hopefully she will pick up the slack when she sees you are not doing things for her anymore like making her appointments she won't blame you anymore for things.
good advice - can't be blamed if you don't overcompensate!
Submitted by husband33 on
i like the advice that we should not be compensating, anticipating the ADD partner will forget/avoid etc., and let them fail by themselves. Because it is predicable that the non-ADD will be blamed if he/she tries to help or asks the ADD partner to complete a task themselves. The only solution is NOT to remind, NOT to help, NOT do it for her/him, because when you do nothing, how can you be blamed?
just go along on your own way, as if you have no partner at all. (how sad is that?)
It is hard for the kids
Submitted by adhd32 on
The person who should be feeding the kids can't remember to buy food. ADD spouses don't usually fail by themselves. They take the whole family down with them and point their finger of blame at you.