I’ve done the reading, I know the tips. I try to put my anger aside but being the wife of someone with ADHD feels like ongoing crisis, me working so hard to keep us financially afloat, and having a partner who does not take responsibility for his actions. My partner has lied, pretended we had a car that was stolen, forged my signature to write rent checks, pretended he was getting therapy and taking medication. He has been off work for the last three almost four years, to take care of our kids. Not that this was agreed to. He wouldn’t get a job so I had to support us. Now the kids are in school and he is still unemployed. He says hes trying to change, to get any work. But I’d warned him if he didn’t get organized he wouldn’t have a job by now and its true. And because of his lack of income and bad credit I can not own a home. Although I’ve worked for 15 years, have the good credit and savings. But because of him and needing a second income to get a mortgage I am stuck. I am just fed up with his whole…. I’m trying, I’m trying. He always says this and makes marginal efforts but basically things stay the same. I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this. We have two small children and I feel like I have three. I help him job search, I write his resume, I tell him what to do. I’ve tried to get him therapy but its hard when you need it to be covered and like I mentioned there was a period of time when he was pretending he was in therapy and he wasn’t. HELP! - See more at: http://connect.additudemag.com/groups/topic/Fed_up_and_Burnt_Out/#sthash...
Fed Up and Burnt Out
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on 09/10/2015.
Wow, I could have written this
Submitted by redhead1017 on
This is exactly my husband, except he's been out of work for five years. There's always some new idea brewing that's going to be the best thing ever, no follow up. He does do most of the housework and meals, so there's that, but our kids are almost grown and it's not really necessary to have someone doing that full time. Speaking from my experience, I have seen no positive changes in the 23 years we have been married, he is in the exact same place he was 23 years ago except now he's depressed, bitter, and has completely given up on ever finding meaningful employment. I've gotten him every job he's ever had (except the military), and he's either gotten fired, laid off, or quit. He refused to get therapy or get on meds. He's told me multiple times he would get organized/get better (just like you mentioned above) and nothing happens.
You can read my back posts for more. Let me just say that if you have a chance to get out, I would advise you do so. In my experience the situation will not change, it will only get worse.
I hear ya!
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
I am considering leaving. I have a great career and great kids and don't want to be dragged down anymore. I've given him some deadlines on getting a job. And I've decided if there are not VAST improvements in the next few months that I will start to put steps in motion to leave him. Crazily enough his sister actually suggested he should continue to stay home while the kids are in school to 'be there for them'. I was livid. She knows his history and issues. And why should I sign up to support him indefinitely. I would have liked to stay home with the kids but didn't have that option. Plus I can't afford to support him and why should I? We are the same age, have the same educational background and while I am quite career-focused I just expect him to work ANY job and contribute!
Speaking purely from my own experience
Submitted by redhead1017 on
My husband has passed the point of meaningful employment. He will not search for work, and he has made that very clear. Right now he's getting ready to start an eBay business and this apparently is going to be the best thing ever, just like the 1001 other ideas he's come up with in the last 23 years. He's just using it as an excuse to buy more crap for his own collection.
I sound bitter and resentful, and it's because I am. I'm isolated, I work all the time, and the only people I talk to are my kids. I have no friends I can share any of this with - scratch that, I have no friends, period, mostly because I work so much and don't have time or energy to follow up on friendships. At this point I'm just existing.
Yesterday I told him that I was actually jealous of him, because he sits around shopping all day or ranting on right-wing websites, then runs the odd errand and does a little bit of housework and calls it a day, or goes out with friends for 5 hour coffee dates, or goes and helps organize his buddy's junk store in exchange for free junk that he carries home. He doesn't have to think about stuff like how to pay for medical insurance or how to figure out retirement when you're the only contributing. He just figures that it will all take care of itself. I wish that I had that kind of luxury, that someone would take care of me for once and I could do whatever I wanted all day.
Unfair
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
That sounds unfair to you to say the least. And I get it. I am so tired of my husband saying 'I struggle with that' around work and money, when I don't have that option. I can't just not have money and not pay for rent and food. I can't just say 'that's hard for me' there needs to be balance. The friends I do talk to (and I struggle with this) about it remind me to do things for me, take space, spend time with friends! I totally, totally get how isolating it is. I am ashamed and embarrassed that my husband aren't the great couple we've been perceived to be and I know he'd feel deep shame if I revealed all the crazy shit he's pulled to our friends. You need to find space for you. No matter what form it takes. Believe me I am in the same boat and it is an immense struggle when all I do is worry about money and him and the kids but when I do try, and see a friend or find something that makes ME happy it does recharge me.
Life Is Not Fair CTTF
Submitted by kellyj on
This line caught my eye...That sounds unfair to you to say the least. And I get it. I am so tired of my husband saying 'I struggle with that' around work and money, when I don't have that option.
Before I say anything else.....I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.....that's the problem. That "I struggle with" is the true part for him since this is how he see's it. It is hard at times having ADHD.....possibly harder in that respect than most? The problem is....LITERALLY...that is all in his head, meaning....for what ever reason, there is a "struggle going on" in our heads at times but no one said that's a reason not to do what you need to do. This is a fallacy or flawed thinking on your H's part. Nothing other than that is preventing him from doing something about it. Just because something is "hard" doesn't mean you "can't".
Cowboy up and get over it. No one promised that everyday is going to be a "good day." If you are waiting for that to happen with ADHD....those may be more few and further between than you think and that the struggle inside your head is somehow going to go away. If that is what he thinks...he will be waiting for a very long time. Once you decide that this is it and you get use to the "struggle"....it stops becoming a struggle once you start doing something about it. At that point....it's just a challenge and everyone has those. That's really all ADHD is at the end of the day.
Sorry he hasn't figured this out yet.
J
Cowboy Up and Get Over It!!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
lol.....time to put the Big Boy Panties on....
>>> This is a fallacy or flawed thinking on your H's part. Nothing other than that is preventing him from doing something about it. Just because something is "hard" doesn't mean you "can't".<<<<
Exactly. It is so lame to say, "I struggle with that," as some kind of Lifelong Hall Pass. These people need to see some REAL struggles...like seriously-injured people who work tirelessly to regain their ability to walk. That that is a real struggle.
My mother in law, who I believe had ADHD and maybe NPD, refused to learn how to cook. Now, that may seem ok in todays world, but she was raising a large modest-income family in the 50s as a SAHM, and she refused to even try, because "it's not my thing."
She gave herself a lifelong hall pass from a basic and needed "mom responsibility" from that time period. This wasn't a time where convenience foods could easily be purchased or other options that are now popular because of the two career family. So, the kids were raised on absolute junk...Spam, shoestring potatoes, chicken noodle soup from a can, etc. Why have a bunch of kids in the 1950s and be a SAHM if you're not going to cook a few meals?
What was she thinking? What are these men thinking that they don't have to earn a living? At a minimum, why aren't they at least working part-time IF they are also doing a good number of household chores?
Cowboys and Hallpasses! Perfect! lol
Submitted by kellyj on
What was she thinking? What are these men thinking that they don't have to earn a living? At a minimum, why aren't they at least working part-time IF they are also doing a good number of household chores?
That's exactly right! What the hell was she thinking? That's where it starts...with and enabling mother who has enabled herself to somehow maintain this kind of attitude in the face of reality that is staring you in the face and saying "WTF is your problem woman?" It's called "entitlement" plain and simple. It's victim mentality.....it's feeling sorry for yourself...and then putting your needs and what you want in front of others all the time at every turn in the road. That's the example this sets. This is where it starts.....with this kind of attitude, and they've got the hall pass to prove it...for life!
Just ask them....they'll tell you I'm sure,no problem. lol I'd like to hear that myself. Anything that would come out of your mother in laws mouth would be quite a story indeed......either that or straight up BS and lies.
As a child who see's this and hears this kind of lying and BS......you tend to believe it unless something else gets in between this to say it's wrong. And you wonder where denial begins and ends?
It ends when you change your own attitude to something different.........this is why enabling only perpetuates the problem. An enabled child will become and enabled adult and feel the world owes them something.....as if it is your job to keep enabling them or something is wrong with you. That's victim mentality as defined right there. And when you don't do this for them.....out comes the the self righteous indignation and scorn ( or hurt and tearful sorrow ) for not playing this role for them. You didn't know it at the time.....but this is what you walked into and this is the unspoken expectation of you for someone who is like this.
"I demand satisfaction! I will not be treated this way....I deserve better and I will not be ignored!"
"Right... Who died and made you the Queen?King." " Did you just make a down payment on this section of road?" "What's wrong with your legs....you still have your cast on on something?" In your mother in laws case..." What are you talking about? She sounds like she was a great cook...a real professional with a can opener." lol
Here are two attitudes right there.....the one in first position and the accompanying one that goes along with it. Neither one of which....gets anyone anywhere. It's competitive, adversarial and tit for tat. I'm real good with tit for tat and being good at being in the second position myself.....I've got more of those in my back pocket than anyone you will ever meet. This is what I learned and how I dealt with this situation. It just keeps you right where you are and nothing will ever change unless you start by changing your attitude.
My "cowboy up" comment is genuine and it really is how I feel....but this is not the attitude you want to take on or confront the other person with who has ADHD. I can say it to someone like myself and mean it because I can stand behind it. This is the kind of attitude you need to have on our side to overcome all the things that are going on inside our heads that are telling you not to get back on the horse and try it again and not get discouraged and quit. This IS the attitude I have taken for myself but it only works for the person who is doing the work and they want to to. It is likely to have marginal success to get them there in the first place. From experience with this on both sides of this fence....it usually not a good way to get a person there unless you want them to have a wake up call and hit them in the head with a rock from short range.
This coming from the side lines like this is like yelling at the person who just fell off the horse, who is sitting on the ground in pain is like saying...you suck and you're just a big sissy Mary. Not so helpful and not very motivating to get that person to jump back on the horse......more likely to have a rock thrown at your head instead for being that person who said this in the moment I'm afraid.
But if you are already in this mindset and you are on board with this kind of taunting it can work for exactly as it is intended....to encourage and push you to keep on going but that person needs to want to be pushed like this for it to work. Otherwise it's an invitation for trouble.
I firmly believe that you have to have the right attitude to start with on both sides and each one needs to different for a different reason for something to change. I think also.....this can be a delicate and fine line at times but only to make this point that your attitude should be kept to yourself for your own benefit and not share it with or try to impose it on someone else as a means to get them out of denial them even if it's true or how you feel. That's the problem when you project this onto other people....unless they are with you and share the same attitude, it usually doesn't work very well. Take it from an expert in passive aggressive communication......the message rarely gets received well (or at all) or even understood the way you want it to.
Going back to your mother in law here and the possible attitudes that go along with this way of thinking plus more of my own to go along with it....at least I get to do it here for the right reason. That does feel somewhat refreshing! lol
Attitude [at-i-tood, -tyood]
noun
1.manner, disposition, feeling, position, etc., with regard to a person or thing; tendency or orientation, especially of the mind:
a negative attitude; group attitudes. Manner- self righteous.....disposition- No one tells me what to do....I do what I want.( Grow up...this is what children do) Feeling- I'm the adult now....I'm entitled to do what ever I feel like doing Position- Parent/mother or father. Unfortunately, it takes no special talent to reproduce. Hell....a fluke worm can do this by themselves without another organism involved. Based on that logic....they've got one up on you! lol
2.position or posture of the body appropriate to or expressive of an action, emotion, etc.:
a threatening attitude; a relaxed attitude. Or one that teaches you kid that this position is Okay when it's their turn up to bat. Not so much. Leading by example is a much stronger and more powerful way to show another person the way to be. Actions speak louder than words.
3.Aeronautics. the inclination of the three principal axes of an aircraft relative to the wind, to the ground, etc. It ain't rocket science as they say......when a parent acts like a child in relationship to their position and their own children.....what does this teach them?
4.Ballet. a pose in which the dancer stands on one leg, the other bent behind. It's called "Arabesque".....I took one term of ballet in college with my room mate at the time. He was the Captain of the defensive secondary squad for the football team and was told that ballet would help his agility and he didn't want to be the only straight guy in the room. lol He ended up being right but that's a whole 'nuther story...sorry, getting off topic. Did I mention I have ADHD? lol
synonym- Position.
1. condition with reference to place; location; situation. The situation is that you have other people to think about outside of your own self interest and needs. Your not an island unto yourself even if you think you are.
2. a place occupied or to be occupied; site: a fortified position. Self righteous indignation. I really hate this...it shuts everyone down and out with no where to go from there. One of my most disliked attitudes which comes from being in the other position once too often in my past.
3.the proper, appropriate, or unusual place:out of position. Being put into position of being a parent may feel out of position if your are still a child in your own thinking. If you think you are an adult just because you get to drink alcohol, drive a car and have an erection (possibly all three at once)....and then you suddenly find yourself a parent....this would be an unusual place out of the same position you were in only 9 months earlier:)
4.situation or condition, especially with relation to favorable or unfavorable circumstances: to be in an awkward position; to bargain from a position of strength. Gaslighting, lying, rationalizing, excuses, denial
5.status or standing: He has a position to maintain in the (family) or community. If you are still young and dumb and still more a teenager in your thinking that you are and adult in reality......suddenly you have a position to maintain that if you haven't had that one before....this does present a problem doesn't it?
6.high standing, as in society; important status: a person of wealth and position. Goes right along with entitlement, grandiose ideation of oneself and trying ot overcompensate for you your own insecurity and lack of self worth ie: Narcissism, victim mentality, low self esteem and internal feelings of self loathing and hatred and a need to counter these feeling to protect your already fragile ego with self righteous indignation and opposition. This can be just primitive Narcissism at work here....it doesn't have to be NPD or the other disorders. This can just be a primitive survival position or attitude and it still not be Narcissism as defined in a disorder or chronic pattern of behavior....more just an attitude that comes out in how you feel about yourself and project to others. It could be a host of any other neurotic disorders or tendencies but the effect it has on kids is still the same. Leading again by example or modeling.
7. a post of employment: a position in a bank. I got nothing? lol
I keep telling my wife to be careful what she says and choose her words wisely or this is what will happen! lol I am just kidding in part but it is also not so far from the truth:) And for the record.....if she asks me about something like this now.....I don't do this with her. She's heard enough of this kind of thing for a lifetime I think but I do reserve the right to refute irrational thinking in this way.....I found it keeps her honest!! LOL Is that aversion training? I think it is? lol
J
You are so right!
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
It's true he gets the luxury of saying 'I struggle' and this is his pass to not get better. While I have to keep the family fed and housed. What is that? Plus when I get stressed and try to help with the job search he lashes out at me. Says horrible things and often he talks about how I 'trapped him' or I force him to do things. Which is absurd because I do everything to cope and overcome his lack of life skills. My whole life seems to rotate around just dealing with him.
What it That?
Submitted by kellyj on
It's denial and all that goes with it under one heading.
YES No Ownership
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
I can accept that my husband may be broken and has struggles but it is the complete lack of accountability that keeps him stuck. When he lashes out everything is my fault: I have anger issues, I trapped him, I force him to do things. He'll admit he needs to change but never has any concrete suggestions or plans. Everything is either defensive, angry or at best vague and unfocused.
If he can't see he is truly not well or how unfair he is how can he ever get better? And what type of influence and example will he be for the kids (two little boys) not that they are getting bigger and more aware? Its disgusting the level of denial he manages. He says he didn't get a job because childcare is so expensive (we have twins) and I have the better resume. So I get punished for being more together. I feel constantly like its expected that I 'keep it together' by his family, by him. And he gets to make excuses. And when I get angry and frustrated with this. I am beating him down, and its all my fault. I've taken his self confidence from him. His perception of things can be so flawed and unfair.
I've given him enormous amounts of patience, kindness love and various forms of support. But I need support and a partner I can trust and depend on. I am so tired of thinking if this and this happens he'll get better, life will be better.... maybe it just won't get better and I need to get out.
This Is Simple
Submitted by kellyj on
Nothing will change unless he see's it. It he can't or won't then he is still in denial. If you had a single goal or taget to set your sites on....getting him out of denial would be it. How do you do that? I can't answer this for you. Some people will never leave that place because it's too scarely or different and they are so rooted in one way of thinking that it will never happen. Everything you have said and all the reasons behind it come from this one simple fact and that explains everything.
If this is the case for you then you only have one of two options....stay or leave. How do you know when or if there is any chance? I can't tell you that either.....but I can tell you that if you have not set your sights on getting him out of denial and all you have been doing (without that intention) is just pointing this out to him by pointing out the trees instead of the forest.....then this is where the "I'm trapped" is coming from.
He's trapped inside the forest in his head and all you are doing is pointing at the trees. He needs to find a way out of his only perspective or vantage point and get a broader more all encompassing view from a higher point of reference. That's what he needs but how to do that I think is not your place to do it. Not your place in respect to it won't work from you. He needs to hear it from a third impartial party and even then....it may or may not work.
Like I was saying about the "cowboy up" comment. From me it carries weight....from you it's like throwing rocks at his head. That's what you don't want to do. It won't serve you and it won't get him out of denial any faster.
All the patience, kindness, love and support is not teaching an enabled victim anything....it's only reinforcing what he feels he needs anyway....what he deserves and what he is entitled to already. The tendency is to reject him and leave and withdraw this from him. That's what he knows and expects.
The higher ground is for you to take is the position opposed to him (not joining him by taking the compliment to him on your side. By not doing that but still holding your position on higher ground and becoming a leader for him and staying there against what you feel like doing instead.....withdrawing the support and leaving him out in the cold (or in the forest alone). He can only see that as a form of manipulation and it will not serve you in the end even if it feels good at the time to make yourself feel better by doing it.
You need to stop being an enabler but not follow your feelings in this case. Your feelings are pain. You need to feel the pain and stay where you are anyway as difficult and painful as this may be for you. And instead of withdrawing your love and support because of your own pain and suffering....you still give it to him anyway because it's the right thing to do and what you believe in. If you can do this for yourself first....then you are being who you believe you should be despite what he does and not play his game along with him......
But at the same time.....you draw some hard lines that you will not cross with him. Instead of retaliating.....you do nothing if he does not behave as he should in respects to his responsibilities.
Instead of leaving him with no chance for him to snap out of it.....if you do what I am saying and give him an ultimatum and a chance to step back and see the forest from the trees ( the big picture...not just the symptoms ) and you are standing on higher ground when you do it......this is one way to give a person the chance to snap out of denial and come to their senses in reality but if you do this....it's all or nothing. Once you give him this kind of ultimatum....there is no going back from it on your end and you have to be completely and totally committed and willing to follow through to the letter. You aren't doing it just too see what he will do and change from this position depending on that. This will not work.
You have to be ready to leave and then not do it if he follows through on his end. That's the chance you have to take and you won't know that until you do it. That's the risk and fear and the pain you have to muster in order to do this.
It speaks volumes in it and by itself without saying a word and it will define your character with him in a way he will not be able to overlook if you can do this. That's how you get someone out of denial by setting this kind of example. He will forced to take the higher ground with you or not but once he does.....he will be able to see it too.
J
Thanks J
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
Yes I think you really are onto something that I've been thinking about the last few days. A friend asked me yesterday what would he need to do to make you less mad. And I said simply 'take responsibility'. Stop feeling sorry for himself, stop making excuses, stop blaming me but see his actions and their damage. And you are right that he is still in denial. Many give me the opposite advice they say withdraw, stop helping him, take space. But this is not a possibility because he lashes out and gets hurt when I withdraw and he accomplishes nothing. He becomes paralyzed. There have been times I've asked him to leave and give me space and he just won't. Yesterday he screamed at me said horrible things. I got upset then he told me I was freaking out infront of the kids and he didn't like my behavior (mind you he lashed out at me out of nowhere) I asked him to leave for 15 minutes. He wouldn't so I walked out, phoned my friend and had dinner with her. It was nice to get away and get space. I feel so trapped in our fucked dynamics. There has been times he'll scream he hates me and wishes he weren't with me. And I've found ways to not lash out back. But it hurts. And what no one else realizes is that until he gets help, there is nothing I can do to make the relationship better.
But your right I need to keep helping him in our daily life but I do need some mental health space for myself and some boundaries. And I will set a deadline for finding a job and if that does not happen I will start to consider my options in how to leave. Its hard because we have two very small children, but this may need to happen.
Withdraw and Retreat...Push and Pull CTTF
Submitted by kellyj on
This is a bad dynamic and the results you already know. Melissa has mentioned this somewhere ( buried in all the posts ) that this has proven to have a high failure rate if you are caught in this dynamic. Fucked up indeed....it's a horrible place to be in and all you want it to do is stop. Speaking for myself here....I didn't want to leave my wife or leave her as we both now have discovered. We both just wanted this to stop. This... being the dynamic that causes you to feel this way and it seems like there is no way out. That's the "I'm trapped" feeling again and obviously....he feels as trapped in it as you do. Join the club.....no one likes this feeling including him.
This is what I am saying about the forest from the trees.....if you both are too close and inside this dynamic....it's difficult to see outside of it to anything else but that is what you need to do.
And you mentioned another one that you need to avoid at all costs. Listening to other people who are taking your side and giving you that advise. With all good intentions behind it....it's the wrong thing to do. Here's why....
Argumentum ad populum.....poor logic, flawed or fallacious arguing and a weak position to win a debate. By doing this you are entering the ring and being adversarial plus....you are gaining support or gathering the "troops" to come to your defense. This is just dumping fuel on the fire as far as he is concerned. No one likes to feel out numbered even if everyone is right. But as this states....just because many people believe something to be true....doesn't mean it is. On a certain level whether he understands this concept or not.....he feels it and that is all he knows. That much he is not in denial in knowing.
And to this point.....he feels out numbered anyway. If you are a victim you feel alone. The same as you do now. It's the trickle down effect of the same thing he is feeling already and now you are feeling it too. It would serve you in all things to keep this in mind as you see him and observe how he reacts to you. You are both in competition for resources and he is guarding his recourses or all he has left.
All sarcasm and hard ass thinking aside here......from a compassionate standpoint (one you should not lose site of). If a person is in denial.....they are protecting something whatever that is. By definition.....they are denying part or 1/2 or the picture to avoid not facing it because it is too painful to bear. Think about this as you visualize seeing only 1/2 of a puzzle and trying to figure out what it looks like before it is finished. In this case....he doesn't have the box it came in so he doesn't know what it is supposed to look like to start with. That's what it is like for him. It's scary....he unsure and doesn't know what to do or where to turn for help and he's tried things already and he believes it will just be the same. Those wounds of failure from the past just rear their ugly head and bite you on the ass again which tells you not to try.
That's his version of listening to his feelings and doing what they tell him to do. He shouldn't be doing this either but yet he still does. Those experiences tell him it will be the same and he believes this is true. Every time you do what other people have done in his past is exactly what you are doing and he is angry, hurt and feels betrayed from the one person he needs to trust that you won't do this with him.
Again....whether he realizes this or not....this is what his feelings are telling him and why he is reacts this way with you.
If you want to break this cycle......you have to not do what you would normally do and do something different. Taking the lead or higher ground is you doing exactly that......stepping outside of the circle and not entering the ring with him and doing what his feelings are telling him to expect. He's already in that vicious cycle in his head.....the last thing you want to do is join him in there and fall prey to his own self fulfilling prophecies.
You and everyone else does this including me on my end until I stopped doing this. Doing what everyone does and listening to them instead of yourself but this requires you to know what you are doing and be sure it's the right thing without ever having done it before. That's equally difficult and scary on your side as well but it keeps you right where you are and the circle or dynamic remains unbroken.
This is where I hesitate to give advise but I can tell you what I did that worked on my end with my wife. I admitted to her in front of my T all the places that I have failed and have made mistakes with her and confessed everything that was wrong with me in one 1 hour session. My T joined me in this since he was the one (over the years) who taught me how this would work. It was not so much a gamble or risk in doing this as much as it was going against what I might normally feel would work. In my case....I was pretty sure it would work but it still felt like I was going against the grain or against what how I felt at the time.
The bottom line here is that what I was doing or the specifics of the things I was saying were not as relevant as making myself vulnerable and left somewhat defenseless and completely exposed. By my T joining in with me (working with me covertly as he did) he was appealing to my wifes well developed sense of sympathy for me since it seems so unfair for him to do right at that time.( in essence....the worst things he could do if it was her sitting there and that happened) This made her feel safe enough to drop her weapons and open up with me to start a dialog. From there.....I've made sure not to trounce all over this by becoming defensive and ruining this hole I punched into her denial as a means for her to get outside of it by keeping it open and available so she can access it little by little in her own time. This didn't take long to work and it changed this dynamics completely. That's all either one us wanted and needed at the end of this.....just something to change.
So if you are understanding and following what I just said....and take what you said A friend asked me yesterday what would he need to do to make you less mad. And I said simply 'take responsibility'. Stop feeling sorry for himself, stop making excuses, stop blaming me but see his actions and their damage.
This is what YOU want from him. If you followed the same example to the letter as I did with my wife......you would do exactly this with your H first....take full accountability for everything that you have done wrong or every mistake you have ever made and say so. You would admit that you are just feeling sorry for yourself, making excuses for your own behavior and have been blaming him for your own unhappiness and the damage and hurt this has caused him......exactly to the letter as I just described. Even if it's not true and even if it's not how you really feel........ despite how you feel.
This is what I am saying in not following your own feelings and doing just the opposite. By doing this....you are mirroring yourself through him instead. He can relate with on his level ( from the victims position) It's what he knows and what he can feel sympathy for himself in this same way and you've just punched a hole in his denial that you can reach inside and connect with him through and that he can come out of at the same time.
With my wife.....once I did this....she even admitted the parts that I admitted to that were wrong and told me that it was her that was wrong instead of me in some of the things I said.
It's why it's not so important that what you say is 100% accurate or even true or whether you personally believe everything you say in your heart of hearts..... It's about becoming and making yourself vulnerable and defenseless because this is what he is feeling and you are mirroring the thing that you want back to him ( through the back door) instead of you telling him directly to his face like you are doing now. What you are doing now is what he expects.....by doing this.....he has no where to go but to join you here too. If you think about how he react to you now....it tells you exactly how he sees what you are doing TO him. If your a victim.....everyone is doing something TO you including you. The nice things you do and the support you give him is not reaching him......that's part of what he denies.
From and entitled feeling victim.....you owe that to him....no need to thank someone or show appreciation in that way for paying him back for all he has done for you right? I know this sound absurd but it's not his conscious mind that is telling him this yet this is the message that is being sent internally in supporting how he feels.
In essence.....you are modeling the behavior that you want yourself for someone who doesn't know what that looks like (the picture in the puzzle).
I know this sounds completely counter intuitive but this is what worked with my wife but to say.....I had the opportunity to make this work by using my T to join me without my wife actually knowing it. I didn't tell my T this was what I was planning to do but he picked up on it immediately and went from there.
That's why I can't give you the same advise but fundamentally.....this is how I got through to a victim who was in her own form of denial and that was enough to stop this dynamic and change it to something better. In our case......this was all it took to do that where before.....nothing worked no matter how hard I tried.
The caveat here however is this ( and not to get your hopes up and just be prepared).......if a person really is suffering from NPD or the like, then this probably not going to work either. At least not for long.....but you won't know that until you test this to see if this will work.
J
Turning the Other Cheek...
Submitted by kellyj on
I just made a comment to Liz in another post about "turning the other cheek".....and whether you are a faithful follower of the bible or Jesus....or an atheist, anarchist or nihilist and don't believe in a "God" at all......you can't deny that these things that Jesus said (the gospel ) don't keep reappearing as good advise in some very predictable and practical ways. At the very least...Jesus was a major dude in my humble opinion... no matter what anyone says to the contrary and quite frankly....I don't hear many people arguing that one anyway! lol
Anyway.....I had to go look up "turning the other cheek" again just to reread it in context to what I said without knowing any better.....as I said it in context to just following the basics if all else fails. And as I said it referring to my last comment above.....it is exactly what I was talking about...,funny how that works?
Here's another description of the same thing as interpreted by what Jesus was saying too.....I always find it interesting when universal truths keep supporting themselves with factual real life events.....not so much because I believe their is a master plan or someone is pulling our strings because I don't. I just haven't been able to reconcile this kind of thinking to what I know and feel so this is where I depart from organized religion and those kinds of concepts but......that doesn't mean or say I don't believe in the fundamental principals and why that is.....
Here's why........To "turn the other cheek," does not imply pacifism, nor does it mean we place ourselves or others in mortal danger. Like the principle of the eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth in Matthew 5:38, turning the other cheek refers to personal retaliation, not criminal offenses or acts of military aggression. Clearly, Jesus did not mean to negate all God’s laws and injunctions protecting us against violent crime or invading armies. Rather, Jesus is speaking here of the principle of non-retaliation to affronts against our own dignity, as well as lawsuits to gain one’s personal assets (v. 40), infringements on one’s liberty (v. 41), and violations of property rights (v. 42). He was calling for a full surrender of all personal rights.
Turning the other cheek means not to return insult for insult in retaliation, which is what most people expect and how worldly people act. Responding to hatred with love just might grab someone's attention and afford us a chance to share the gospel. When we respond in a manner that is unnatural, it displays the supernatural power of the indwelling Holy Spirit. Jesus was the perfect example because He was silent before His accusers and did not call down revenge from heaven on those who crucified Him.
Whether your intention is to have a chance to share the gospel or not as this is saying.....the part about not returning insult for retaliation which is what most people expect is the exact same thing I was saying......
"Turning the other cheek" means not to return insult for insult in retaliation, which is what most people expect .......... Responding to anger with love just might grab someone's attention."
As far as the worldly people judgment and the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit goes......I can take that with a grain of salt.....whatever. Less important to what I am saying and more important that it works. Just say'in. lol
I thought it was worth mentioning and coming back here to share my thoughts and experiences in seeing these things as being simply saying the same thing in different ways and how well they seem to work if you have run out of options and haven't tried this in practice as I am saying. Without knowing any better and not even remembering any of this stuff at the time.....it is what I did with my wife at least and she did respond to me a favorable way because it.......that's the bottom line:)
In respect to punching a hole in my wife's denial.....this really is what worked :)
PS.....that's the sermon for the day seeing how it's a Sunday LOL................whatever:)
J
Thanks J
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
I think some of your comments have been the most helpful of any advice I've been given. I'm trying to deal with a person by thinking that reason will prevail as though he is seeing things clearly. In reality, he has untreated and not medicated ADHD. Meaning he is not seeing it clearly. I can never understand why he sees everything as an attack. Why he doesn't understand that I am just aiming to help and make things better. But that is when he gets the most cruel. When I in my mind am just trying to reason with him. But when I let it go. When I tell him I love and appreciate him (even after he has said sometimes the opposite). It gets better. It is better. He is reasonable. He does work with me. And I wonder how to keep this going. Because I am angry and bitter. But you are right it doesn't matter how many people tell me what he is doing is unfair and hard for me. I have to find a way to make it work. And I want our family to stay whole. Even if I did give up on the relationship/marriage we have two beautiful children so I'll always be in a relationship with him. So best to make this one the best it can be and maybe we can even be happy.
Its always hard to understand why he lashes out. Why everything will be fine. We'll be happily living our life and suddenly he lashes out and 'he was never happy'. That hurts me so much. And is really hard. Even if he takes it back in a calmer moment. I always feel like he is pulling out the rug from under me, and I never know when it is going to happen. Especially when I give so much. But then when he is lashing out. I try to see that he is in pain. And I think about some of the words mixed in his lashing out about how he thinks I don't respect him or appreciate him. And even though I don't understand it I see I am hurting him. I see how ashamed he feels. So even though I am hurting and just want him to take care of me. I see that sometimes yes I need to be the bigger person, the stronger person, and most importantly compassionate even when it feels like the opposite of what I want to be or can be. And that is when he can find his compassion and love for me. Seems simple but it is so hard.
I hope this compassion can help him feel stronger and more capable and I hope that it gives me some peace and space to heal as well.
R
This Is Exactly Right R
Submitted by kellyj on
Its always hard to understand why he lashes out. Why everything will be fine. We'll be happily living our life and suddenly he lashes out and 'he was never happy'. That hurts me so much. And is really hard. Even if he takes it back in a calmer moment. I always feel like he is pulling out the rug from under me, and I never know when it is going to happen. Especially when I give so much.
In those moments.....this has nothing to do with you even if it comes out of his mouth aimed in your direction. It's pure projection. If you can step back in those moments and see it for what it is.....you won't feel like the rug is pulled out from under neath you as much.
If you keep holding true to what you believe in about yourself.....and keep doing it consistently with him anyway despite what he does.....you're also setting the example for him to follow and not betraying yourself at the same time. The part about......especially when I give so much is your part of this equation. That's you projecting into his projection which if you think about it on that level.....is a crazy thing to be doing?
If you just keep doing the right thing for the right reason for yourself and you are holding true to what you believe in about yourself.....you will always be fine right?
What's left after that is all on him. You won't even need to nag or say a thing at that point since it will be pretty obvious when that happens.
But here's the deal even when you do this. That in in itself is a form of shaming him which might feel like a no win situation since this is why he lashes out in part. You can't win for losing it would seem but going along with all the things I was saying including turning the other cheek is that eventually.....it will take all the wind out of his sails and he will be left without any power over you. It won't affect you anymore and you won't feel so hurt or even surprised if he does it.
The first thing you can tell yourself on your end in all the things you do that he doesn't reciprocate in is to simply ask yourself if this is what I should be doing no matter what and to stay on course to who I am and how I feel about myself. What feels bad is being an enabler and doing things that go against your self (betraying yourself)....not doing what you would do anyway as a person and getting your rewards from that by simply being this way not expecting anything from anyone else whether you do or not?
The comment OW made about his sister saying that you emasculate him just reinforces why he is like this in the first place. They and his family have all enabled him to be this way by allowing it. That's different than accepting his challenges. Allowing or enabling is for the bad behavior itself. This is unacceptable! Bad behavior, not getting a job and supporting and reinforcing his victim mentality is just that. It's making excuses for him and allowing him to stay the same and blaming it on something else.....like you. Just more of the same from his own family which is probably why he is the way he is in the first place. If there is anyone to blame here.....it starts with his parents when he was a kid. That's not excuse now however.....it just a reason why it happened.
The only person who can emasculate him is him and he does a very good job of doing that all on his own by his own behaviors.
Where you fall victim to him is following suit with your own behaviors if they are not in line with how you feel about yourself and change because of him. No matter what....if you are doing what you believe is right in all things you can't feel badly about anything you do as long as you hold true and stay "clean" your self....that's the bottom line.
But like the description about turning the other cheek was saying.....it doesn't mean you put yourself in mortal danger in order to do this. Stepping back a couple of notches from that and looking at your finances and your real life responsibilities including your children. If his failure to support himself and get a job or help you on his end causes a total malfunction or collapse in your life because of it......going along with what this is suggesting is that there comes a time to make a decision but it is still based on staying true to who you are and not betraying yourself in the process.
One more ADHD thing to add here just to think about. If he lashes out with anger and then comes back and apologizes and feels ashamed......this sounds more like ADHD than some other things that his behavior could be especially because he is untreated and not on medication.
I think this might be attributed to emotional lability ( short fuse or hot flashes of anger....hyper sensitive and volatile). Both of these things can be corrected and improved on with treatment and medication. The combination of the two and some work and effort put into it can change this completely so he won't react to you like he does. That's the good news. The only bad news here is even if you don't follow suit with him and don't react.....he still may do what he does anyway but I do think it won't be nearly as bad even when he does without you joining him on your end.
At the very least......you won't have anything to feel poorly about in yourself by holding true and staying on course. Victim entality and enabled people need a Villain to support staying that way. They will make you out ot be one if you let them and eventually they win if you finally cave in and join in with them. By design.....this is how they manipulate you and suck you into to it. Don't go there and this won't happen.
You also can't be an enabler if you don't do this either. All that's left is him and his own behavior after that. Shame....(as it should be) is a very good motivator all on it's own if you have no one else to blame and you can't find anywhere else to put it.
Just don't be a vessel for it:)
J
If you're the breadwinner, then.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
Right now he's getting ready to start an eBay business and this apparently is going to be the best thing ever, just like the 1001 other ideas he's come up with in the last 23 years. He's just using it as an excuse to buy more crap for his own collection.
>>
If you're the breadwinner, then why would you fund this?
I'm sure that there are many SAHM's that would love to start an "at home" business, but guess what? Their working husbands won't fund it. So why would you?
Are you not able to put any or many controls on his spending? Why not tell him that he must use half the proceeds from selling parts of his own collection to fund this business (and the other half go to household support)?
The isolation that exists for
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
The isolation that exists for the non ADHD spouse is so very real. I have no friends. I gave up on trying to maintain friendships because I don't have the time or energy. I gave up my hobbies. I quit volunteering in the community.
However, my husband is the exact opposite of the other husbands mentioned in this thread. My husband works like a machine and makes good money. If someone asked me, "why are you so isolated and exhausted?", I'm don't think I could pinpoint it. Maybe it's because I've had zero emotional support in 21 years of marriage. Maybe it's because the very minute that he stops working he collapses from exhaustion and immediately falls asleep. Or because he's sick a lot, but only on the days that he's not working. Or because he has a bad back, but it only goes out on his days off. Or because our son also has ADHD and living with two of them is just overwhelming. Maybe it's because I work non stop trying to make our family "normal", or at least appear normal to outsiders. or maybe it's because my husband has very important people to be with and very important things to do every single day, but the important one is never me. I just feel like I run in circles non- stop and never get anywhere. It is a form of manipulation, but I can't put my finger on it. It's as if I can sense the hyperactivity, the non stop jumping around, of their brains and it wears me out instead of them.
I just find it interesting that we experience the same isolation caused by ADHD, Even though the symptoms in our spouses are very different.
Yes me too!
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
I understand what you mean.
I feel like I pour all my energy into a person who does not value and appreciate me and it makes me feel not confident in my other relationships in my life. I used to be a creative person and felt like I had a spark for life but it feels diminished. I don't know if it will ever get better or how to distance myself enough from his constant drama to get to a place where I feel like ME again.
I suggest this goal:Get to a place where I feel like ME again.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
cant-talk-to-friends-about-it,
When I read your words: "I feel like I pour all my energy into a person who does not value and appreciate me and it makes me feel not confident in my other relationships in my life." I felt a connection to you. I do not 100% understand how I had gotten to the place of needing to prove/show/explain myself to my spouse. What I do know for sure is I do not do that anymore. I realize my own value, my own hard work, and everything I do add to our relationship. My focus was my marriage. My focus was to 'help' my spouse. I do not do that anymore either. I value my marriage. I discovered I value Liz enough to not sacrifice her to the relationship. I twisted and bent all my own dreams, and hopes, and desires, so they would match what I thought would make/keep/get my spouse happy. Hey, a few of those efforts probably did make the outside appearance resemble 'happy,' but in fact they did not work in the long haul.
"I used to be a creative person and felt like I had a spark for life but it feels diminished." Yes, I bet it has diminished. But I bet, or actually I can encourage you, that truthfully you can refuel it!!
I came to this forum with one goal in mind - Help My spouse so it could fix my marriage. What I found was I cannot help/direct/fix a person who isn't asking me for help. And believe me, I tried. Eep. A big mistake. I am, at this date, still thinking that there is a possibility my marriage could be great. But Liz and all the grains of sands in the deserts of Egypt cannot force anyone else to do A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
"I don't know if it will ever get better or how to distance myself enough from his constant drama to get to a place where I feel like ME again."
What is the "IT" that you want to get better? Meaning your relationship?
I can tell you that I honestly fight with my own self almost every stinkin' day. It is a horrible thing to feel someone that I care about, that I love, that is the father of our 2 adult children, has such anger/animosity/hostility directed at me. Some may be warranted. I did in fact assume too much responsibility, and lost myself doing everything for him, and to please him, and to keep him happy. Futility. A never ending task of futility. So I stopped.
And even in stopping doing those things, I EXPECTED that he would see the big picture. . . . . . that he would FINALLY see all that I was, and am currently, and can be. . . . . . . . . . . . but it did not happen that way.
Am I sacrificing him to make myself happy? Oh, I have been told that I am. But, I do not believe it. I love him. I care about him. I want to renegotiate our marriage. I want to be heard, and loved, and honored.
Liz can only do her side of the relationship. If I have to do both, and be miserable, I am no longer willing. I was. I am not anymore. If the cost of "A picture perfect marriage" is losing myself, that cost is too dear.
Liz
Crazily enough his sister actually suggested he should continue
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
Crazily enough his sister actually suggested he should continue to stay home while the kids are in school to 'be there for them'. I was livid. She knows his history and issues
<<
Well of course his sister would say that. Think about it. She knows that if you throw him out, he'll come mooch at her house. So, she's pretending that her solution is a good one.
My H's family was blind to H's problems for decades. They don't live near us, so they had little idea that his ADHD and other issues were also adult problems. Since he had always been well-employed, they didn't know.
Then when H's drinking got out of control, his sympathetic brother had him move in with him (his brother believed H's lies and believed that I was the cause of all his troubles). After awhile, H began fighting with his brother and his brother's wife....nasty arguments....unfair arguments. I'm sure they couldn't wait to get him out of their home. They have never again suggested that he should live with them like they used ot.
lol ;)
Submitted by kellyj on
ditto
Crazily enough his sister actually suggested he should continue
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
double post
Hello Can't talk and Red Head....
Submitted by c ur self on
(Crazily enough his sister actually suggested he should continue to stay home while the kids are in school to 'be there for them'. I was livid. She knows his history and issues. And why should I sign up to support him indefinitely.)
Just setting hear reading your posts....I would like to shed a little light if I can....One about the statement above....In my opinion which is based on my own life and the many posts I read here... Its almost impossible for the immediate family of an adhd minded person to not become an enabler....Family of adhd people become institutionalized over the years....My wife's Sister's and biological children are her worst enemies when it comes to speaking accountability; they usually always look the other way...Two reason's; One is they love this person (The facts is many adhd minded people are just not quipped to carry the responsibility of having to be responsible as a Spouse or Parent; on the other hand many are very capable) and accept them like they are; they do not know them to be any different...If you watch my wife interact with her grown children and sister's they bark at her add outbursts and behaviors like she was a child or puppy and the very next second they are fine with with her...It's almost involuntary....And secondly they can leave! They do not have to depend on them for their shelter, food, intimacy and all the other things we share with them as a spouse...NO ONE will ever know the pain you two are in, but you and the Heavenly Father.....And some of us who are in your shoes:)
Do not be afraid to wisely take care of yourselves and your children...You do not have to be angry or apologize for being responsible and doing the right thing....For a husband to not work with his hands and take care of HIS Wife and Children and his other responsibilities is idleness....
This is what the bible say's about men who want work......2 Thessalonians 3 10-12.
10 For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. 11 For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies. 12 Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living.
So as vote of confidence, I do agree with your actions....If you go to him calmly and in Love and give an ultimatum it's with in your rights....And you don't need the approval of others in the family.
Blessings Ladies....
C
Would be nice to get the support
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
Yes I get that his family will never see what I deal with and will take his side and in some ways I get that and am okay with it. But I don't understand why they won't encourage him to get help, to be more functional, they know some of his extreme behavior. His sister even said that I emasculate him?! I'd love to have a husband who worked and contributed to the family but he doesn't so I need to take control.
And now that the kids are in school and he has officially no excuse there are still daily reasons and roadblocks to his job search. He's only trying to get a survival job right now: starbucks whatever? And he cannot even manage that. I am tired of writing his resumes, getting contacts for him, finding postings and him just lashing out at me!
Can't talk....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's really not about control, that will always cause him to lash out....It's about the reality that you must live like he doesn't exist when it come to being a bread winner and other area's of life that he is avoiding...It's not an easy road for you. Your tendencies will be to want to usurp control over the situation....But, you are still accountable to be his wife...After the first 4.5 years of living with the reality of how my W's mind works....I got so angry and bitter it took me months (still have to accept it and hold myself accountable for my own peace daily) to just to get to where I could rid myself of the stress of it all and take a realistic view of what I had to do....My marriage isn't what I would choose....
I read a statement recently in another post from someone recently married....She said something along these lines....All I wanted was someone to share my life with, someone that would love me, that I could trust and grow old with....What she wants is want most of us want....Someone we can trust to be accountable, responsible to the call on their lives as a H or W....Not someone who avoids the mundane responsibilities of day to day living....And worst of all is the blindness, denial and excuse making....I know it's hard, Believe me I know...But none of us are equipped to be able to keep engaging a person who lives in denial....You're not being heard, and your doing more damage to yourself and the relationship than can be repaired by a human...Albert Einstein said this "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it"....
So do your best to deal with the reality of it all (like a fly on the wall) ...And if you have to make decisions that are wise for your family based on the circumstances that are real, you don't have to make an excuse for it.....That's not control....It's just a Mother and Wife, who loves her family and is willing to do what she must to keep life moving along as best she can....Don't be afraid to set up boundaries that will protect your own sanity, get good counsel and do things differently...
When you can do this without engaging him as your problem, life will get better for you, especially internally....And we all hold our own peace in our own hands....
C
Internally....
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
Yes. I know I fall into the patterns of the non-adhd spouse. The nagging and anger. And I too am at the point where the marginal accomplishments are lost on me because I am so hurt and frustrated. It does feel like there is never a way to deal with that hurt. Because it is never acknowledged as real or legitimate. I will do my best to find my peace in any way I can. I've tried to get counseling for us, me, him but its so difficult when I don't have the money to pay for it, and although in Canada we have some covered help. Its impossible to access. I'm in a bad place with this all right now and hoping to feel more hopeful and happy.
Can't talk....
Submitted by c ur self on
I and many here know it's real and legitimate...But, most of all the Heavenly Father knows and Jesus will take your hurt and give you his peace for it :)
His sister even said that I emasculate him?!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>>
His sister even said that I emasculate him?!
>>>>
lol....the next time she or one of them suggest anything like that, tell them that they're right and it's going to end right now. And that means that you will no longer "parent" him with financial support. He will have to find a job and support himself like a man who isn't emasculated, or move out. And, then, when he can't find or keep a job, then say, "I expect that one of you siblings will let him move in and you'll support him, right? Just so he doesn't feel emasculated. Right? Are you siblings on board with that? What? No. Didn't think so. So, STFU. "
Can you clear up some things?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<< My partner has lied, pretended we had a car that was stolen, >>>
What does that mean? Did he report a car as being stolen to get money from insurance? Did you all get in trouble for that? What was his excuse? This sounds like MORE than ADHD. This is a personality disorder.
>>>forged my signature to write rent checks, >>>
Why would he do that? Why would he think he needed to do that?
>>>pretended he was getting therapy and taking medication.<<
I think this happens a lot. Did he think he could just pretend to be taking meds that didn't exist? lol
>>>He has been off work for the last three almost four years, to take care of our kids. Not that this was agreed to. >>>
This is almost always a bad sign. When men stop working to take care of the kids, and that wasn't a "family plan," that often just screams ADHD, doesn't want to work, looking for an excuse not to work.
>>
He wouldn’t get a job so I had to support us. Now the kids are in school and he is still unemployed.
>>
How long are you going to put up with that?
Because of financial ties (shared assets), I have to put up with a lot of crap from H, but if he wasn't financially contributing to the family (he worked for 35 years, retired with a great pension and health benefits, and now helps me with my business), he would be out on his butt. Seriously.
<<<
I am ashamed and embarrassed that my husband aren't the great couple we've been perceived to be and I know he'd feel deep shame if I revealed all the crazy shit he's pulled to our friends.
<<<
There you go. He's protected by SECRECY. There was a time when such secrecy would not have happened, so such men would get jobs to avoid the "judgment" from others.
There's a reason why "peer pressure" works (in a good way) in these situations. Why protect him? He's not a cancer victim. He can work.
I would give him a timeline....need to get a job by XXXX... And if you don't, I'm no longer protecting your image around our friends and family.
this may seem cruel, but I can tell you this....once my H was no longer protected by the secrecy that surrounded his drinking (first protected by himself, then by me), he had no motivation to stop drinking. Once his family and others knew, the pressure was on to go to rehab, and stop drinking. He still will drink occasionally...like maybe a few drinks one night every 4 weeks, but not the "get drunk every night" habit he had.
Clarification
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
I wanted to get a used car. My dad gave us some money to help pay for this. He took the money and said he'd gone to buy it but he got in an accident on the way home and had to bring it to the shop. Then when he picked it up and we were going to drive the next day he said it was stolen. Crazily enough I believed all this. In the end he didn't buy it because he didn't want the responsibility of a car and he had no money in his bank account. He even pretended to go to the police station. At some point the lies started to unravel because too much did not make sense. This is when I knew something was seriously wrong and I've been trying to get him help ever since. To no avail. I ended up buying a car on my own and pay all the insurance. Of course he feels free to drive it whenever he wants although he does not contribute to it at all.
He forged my signature to write rent checks because when I discovered he had no money in his account because he'd not invoiced for work he'd done at home for over 6 months I told him rent was his responsibility. At this point he was also lying about how much money he actually made. He works extremely part-time from home and makes around 500 a month he told me it was 3X this. So when he was unable to pay rent he stole one of my checks and forged my signature. It took two months of this for me to notice but I saw the copy of the check on line. He claimed he did this because I am an 'angry person' and he was scared of me.
He took vitamins and said they were meds. The only reason I found out he wasn't getting therapy is that I cornered him one day (unintentionally) by asking if I could see his therapist as well. And he had to admit he'd been leaving the house and sitting at the coffee shop. But he believed because he was reading about ADHD online he was getting help.
I have given him a deadline to get a job till the end of this month. And frankly I find that to be too kind and more than he deserves. I still see him making excuses for not job searching and doing the things he needs to do and being defensive and attacking towards me and I am beyond at the end of my rope.
Can't Talk....This is not Adhd....
Submitted by c ur self on
This is just a heart that is flowing out deception and lying...I'm feel for you, and I am sorry you are in this situation.....I pray he will come under conviction of his actions, and his eyes will be opened to his blessings....
C
Thank You
Submitted by cant-talk-to-fr... on
Me too. I've worked so hard to create magic and love in our lives and I am a good person and wife who deserves better.
Wow...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
When I was reading this I was reminded of the Casey Anthony trial. She claimed that her young daughter had been kidnapped (later found dead, not kidnapped).
Aside from the horrible loss of child, all these lies came to light. She had been lying about having a job, she had been stealing money from her mom and grandma. She had been given money from her parents to deposit into the parents' bank account for something, but she "claimed that the money was stolen," and that later came out to be a total lie. She borrowed a friend's car and found the friend's checks in the glove compartment and forged checks.
Of course, she also thought that her mom was "mean" and that's why she couldn't tell the truth. BS. When you steal and lie to others then they're naturally not going to be pleasant about it.
You're going to need to get your car key back at some point.
BTW....he's likely going to claim that he's gotten a job to gain "more time." How are you going to make him prove that he really did get a job?
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