Hi all - first post after finding this via Google.
I've read a lot of posts that give me great comfort in knowing I am not alone in this, but also a lot of fear that things really do not change and if I should carry on with this relationship.
I met my husband in 2016, he was diagnosed with ADHD in 2018 and we married in 2019. I feel like his diagnosis has been detrimental to our marriage as ever since it's like his symptoms have been heightened and as if he plays up to it or hides behind it rather than taking control.
The last 18 months have been like a constant rollercoaster where we are up and down with getting on, or not. The arguments are also daily, usually over something petty or him just being mean to me because he's stressed, or tired.... Then trying to communicate with him is impossible as he just blames me for everything and takes no accountability for his action because, "he is so good to me and I should show him more respect" "if I loved him, I wouldn't talk to him like this", "I should just agree with him and not try to battle/or have a different option"
I've been to see a therapist on my own previously who helped for some time by helping me learn how to defuse situations instead of allowing them to escalate but he is now wise to this and chooses to not allow them to deescalate. I also feel like I was making the effort to not argue and he just wanted to argue and carry on being mean, calling me horrible names, telling me I am useless, being physical with me etc. When this upsets me (although I refuse to cry in front of him) he mocks me in a baby voice saying "aww you going to have a cry because I've told you some truths you don't like" etc.
I know I might not be the easiest person as I am also feisty and will hold my own and not allow him to treat me badly without saying anything. There are lots of petty things he does that wind me up, but I ignore them (like leaving clothes everywhere on the floor, leaving dirty crockery on the worktop by the dishwasher instead of just putting them in there etc). However, the smallest thing I might do gets the meanest criticism to make me feel stupid and small. He is constantly threatening me with divorce for stupid things like "if you don't make me feel like you care more", "If you ruin my weekend by being miserable like usual", "if we argue once more..." the list is endless.
I gave up my career a few months ago under some pressure from him and also by my own choice to allow his career to accelerate (which it is) and for me to take on the running of the house, life, family etc. I know we are fortunate that we can depend on his salary only, but then again, this is used against me and I'm made to feel like "I add no value to his life" and he would be "better off (financially) without me". It's the damned if I do, damned if I don't scenario. He reminds me constantly that everything we have is because of him and not because of me and that I would be f**ked without him as I have no job and no salary. Even things I bought whilst I was working (like a car) he tells me is because of him, because I didn't pay as much as he has towards other things, despite the fact he earned 3x my salary, so things would never be 50/50.
I'm constantly berated because he thinks I do not make enough effort. He lives in this Utopian world where no one can live up to his expectations and is constantly angry with everyone and everything for not being good enough. I feel like I am walking on eggshells the entire time as I never know if what I am doing is 'good enough' or if I have to talk to him about something, how he will react. He is so hyper-focused on his job that it seems to be the only thing he can ever talk about.
I have recently managed to convince him to see a therapist and to reassess his medication with his psychiatrist but there is no improvement. I guess I'm just starting to wonder if I will ever rediscover the man I met and fell in love with or whether his diagnosis and medication will never allow that to happen. If it is the latter, can I learn to love the man he is now.....
Sorry for the long post, I feel like I had a lot to get off my chest.
Can Things Change?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
First, I'm so glad that you are looking to learn more about how ADHD impacts relationships. There is a great deal of improvement that each of you can make if you engage around ADHD symptomatic behaviors and responses to those behaviors.
Second, the place to start is with getting more information that is balanced (which this forum often is not). Every relationship is different, which means that you need the information so you can apply it to your own situation - don't listen to those who say it's impossible to change how you interact. Start with my first book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage and consider taking my couples seminar with your partner so that you are not the only one doing the learning. If you are to succeed, he'll need to be involved in making changes, too.
Third, given what you describe (quitting your job because your partner wanted you to and more) sounds as if you have a good deal more going on than just ADHD and responses to ADHD. I would STRONGLY recommend you do some work on improving your personal boundaries. A great resource for that is the book Boundary Boss. You will benefit if you are better able to define what it is YOU want in your life and relationship and learn how to communicate that strongly in the face of your partner's opinions and ideas for you.
Fourth, the comments you report him making towards you sound emotionally abusive. Damned if you do and damned if you don't is a hard place to land for long. Consider working with a professional to sort out why you are being treated this way by him and how to more constructively combat his behavior.
Will your relationship succeed? There are many factors, but strengthening your ability to stand up for what you need and want in this relationship by learning what is and is not ADHD related, and strengthening your ability to define and hold your boundaries will be a great start.
Best,
Melissa
The truth is not something
Submitted by ADD times two w... on
The truth is not something that can be deleted like a comment on the internet. It is that feeling you have in the pit of your stomach when you are laying in bed trying to figure out why you can't fall asleep.
(edited)
deleting a post
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It isn't about deleting the truth or not. It's about our posting rules, which you are violating. We ask that people talk about their own experiences, and not generalize as if they are an expert on other people's experiences, which they are not and never will be. Your experience is the experience of one person in a specific situation - yours. You have violated that rule multiple times. If you wish to write about your own personal experiences and stop telling people that you are quite confident as an expert that they will never thrive in their relationship, we will leave your content up. Otherwise, it will get taken down.
So confused....
Submitted by ADD times two w... on
Everything I said WAS/IS my personal experience. How am I overgeneraizling or attacking anyone? I truly don't understand. I haven't used profanity but a reply to my comment has and that's OK but I am attacking someone? who? I never said I was an expert. I just gave advise based on my experience to some who asked an open ended question in a public forum. I described as I stated the same thing that everyone else has,is it that the grammar I used didn't speak in first person enough? I am so confused. I am accused of over generalizing AND giving personal experiences, which is bad and against the rules; so which one am I supposed to do??
Aren't we supposed to be confident in hope? Aren't we supposed speak from and advise from a place of experience and to say I'm confident because I went thru it? It's my PERSONAL experience in my marriage; the same way a spouse talked about how therapy worked and was confident in that avenue and suggest it to others because it worked for them; How is my saying to love your spouse ABOVE your self not in the same category and therefore you can't say that?
Have you guys READ some of the post on this blog?But because it wasn't exactly what I went through but some other version of it, I can't even talk about it because that was only their experience and the person who posted about it in another blog post.
Who is 'thriving in their ADD/ADHD relationship' without doing these things? I'm searching for answers too. How are people thriving? Is it something other than what I have already gone through that will fix my situation? Are you going to give me hope? How? Because that hopeless feeling is real and the only thing that got me through it was what I talked about. I can't tell that to someone but I can talk about how they refused to get couseling or take meds and the friction that caused?
I'm labled as someone who is an 'expert' at my marriage because I found a way that works. I said nothing else works because I have spent countless hours scrubbing the internet looking for ways to make it work and have been told I have to tell my emotionally fragile spouse to WRITE down their feelings when they are in a fit of rage! Or take mind altering drugs forever because it works for a little while. They would never be the same. I feel in love with them with ADD/ADHD. That part of them is what made them LOVE ME! and I am going to tell them to shut that off because the house is dirty all the time and it stresses me out?
I never said my spouse/your spouse is hopeless. I can't say that enough. THEY are NOT hopeless.
I am saying I understand ADD/ADHD will take all the joy out of me if I can't give my spouse what they need from me. I am saying my doing this has shown real change in them over anything else they tried to do on their own. I took charge of my ADD/ADHD marriage like I always do, and it was better than the pills and the coaching and making them write it down. I'm not better than anyone. ( in this very post Positive Report from Non ADHD Spouse by: C-love 2 weeks ago, you will see they did exactly what I am saying and their post got to stay up, no one is saying they are an expert and giving advice that doesn't work, no one deleted their message)
I'm tired too. I want what I want too. I would have loved for someone to tell me what I told this blog post. I POURED MY HEART OUT AND GAVE HOPE AND YOU DELETED IT because I wasn't as nice as everyone else. You haven't said anything that I can see to Sam who has cussed at me three times and called for me to be banned. They are attacking me but that is okay? why?
Let me say from experience that selflessness is the single hardest thing I do on a daily basis. It is a struggle some days not to just walk away from my life and do all the things I know I could do without my spouse.
That thought only last for the amount of time it takes me to recognize it and throw it away. I replace it with a funny joke my spouse told me the other day that only the two of us get. Its replaced by them seeing I needed a break with our son today and the physical struggle I knew it took for them to stop what they were doing and take him outside on his bike. I don't focus on the amount of time they did it. I say thank you and acknowledge them for helping me out. The joy I see on their face because I see them makes my heart race. It's not that I don't see, feel or think about the bad things-I just choose not to focus on them and it makes me happier because I love my spouse and truthfully I only want to see the good in them anyway because it's why I love them in the first place, so why wouldn't I focus on that vs all the negative?
I am that person we were when we first started dating. I text them for no reason to say home much I love and miss them. When they come home I announce they are home to our son who comes running up to the window to see them pull up everyday. WE both are happy to see them when they come home which makes them feel important and loved, which in turn brings them down from the anger they felt at being in traffic for the last hour and thus avoids a ADD/ADHD manic rage/fight/argument. I do my best not to bombard them with things the moment they walk in the door (this is still a daily battle and I lose sometimes).
I have found ways to maneuver within my ADD/ADHD marriage that is fulfilling to my entire family because I put myself aside. When I start feeling all the mess encroaching on my heart and I want to explode because I asked them a few times now to do that one thing that I asked them to do, I take a moment to play out what that is going to look like and choose to move into or away from it. I don't spill my toxic mess all over my spouse because I don't want to hurt them. I don't want them to feel the same way I do right now because I value their heart/feelings. It doesn't make what I feel any less valid; I just choose to give them grace I am not perfect either.
I love my spouse. I love them today the same way and more than the day I met them. I will go to battle against ANYONE or THING that tries to come against our marriage. PERIOD. They mean more to me than holding on to the fight we had about that thing that we fought about for the tenth time. They mean more to me than lack of sleep. They even mean more to me than my children. Yes, I said it. Why? Because that is the way it's supposed to be. If I show my children that no matter what, your spouse is your life and you don't get to leave them just because the 'happy' worn off; how is that a problem? If I am teaching them to put others above yourself, and when you do it improves for all concerned-is that still considered traumatic to them, because it was hard and messy and we cried and it was uncomfortable the ENTIRE time for a while but we still got through it-not only did we get through it, we are better people who are healing because of it, isn't that a good thing? No. Others will tell you that your children are to split your spouse from your side. They are the water in the crack in the rock that is the marriage that freezes and splits the rock. And the water is more important than preserving the rock that is the foundation of your life. And somehow this is what is viewed as the selfless act - leaving YOUR partner in life-for the children. I mean, yeah it's hard but I'm going to leave the person who makes me smile, my lover, my finances; I'm going to give that up for the kids? And when does that stop? I can martyr myself for my children and it's noble but when I do it for my spouse I'm selfish? Make that make sense. And the, they are children and need parents to protect/teach them, the sword cuts both ways. How are you protecting them by taking away their dad/mom? Because they get mad and yell? Well, why are YOU yelling? Not your ADD/ADHD spouse, but you? That's a choice you make. And your children see people argue all the time. Teach them to be tough! You aren't helping them by telling them to retreat, leave or run away. Meekness isn't weakness, it's power under control. TEACH THEM THAT. (DISCLAIMER: please don't self impose things I did not say into this comment. We are not talking about physical abuse. STOP IT. I would hope I wouldn't have to go further than that.)
I have gotten off topic and I apologize. Bringing it back to the matter at hand. Giving myself to my spouse works. Not living in my hurt feelings and frustration about taking out the trash for the uncountable time, allows me joy in your relationship. My spouse will do things that you never thought them capable of because you didn't ask them and still somehow made them feel like they were more important any way above what you asked. You will live in moments that make your heart soar!
Your sex life will come back. WOW does your sex life come back. You can't wait to get your hands on them. You daydream about last night. When you see them walking around in that pair of whatever it is that brings your eye to that spot on their body you love the most and makes you salivate thinking about; you will kiss them like you used to and it will hold you over until you can get them alone to do all the things in your daydream. It will be FANTASTIC.
But I have to put in the work first. That is the caveat. That's the catch. Sorry guys no magic potion here. No recipe you can follow to get where I am. It's going to suck and I'm not sorry for you. The sex alone is worth what I went through because my spouse WANTS ME ALL THE TIME and I LOVE IT. I relish in pleasing them. I love the power it gives me when we are husband and wife. They are mine and I am theirs. It's FANTASTIC. Our lovemaking isn't selfish. Okay, this might get X rated so I will stop :) but there is joy guys I promise. (based on my personal experience)
This is the best thing I can give you. There is HOPE. The last part does sound like I'm 'over generalizing' and I guess I am but that is because that is the hopeful part for YOU. I am still here because I know what you went through and I know you need support just like I did.
I did my best not to 'attack' anyone or make them feel 'attacked'.
I did my best to bring my experience and give advice based in that.
I offered helpfult tips and hints to help the reader.
I was respectful thoughout.
I hope my spouse does read it!
There were no links
If you wish to write about your own personal
experiences and stop telling people that you are quite confident as an expert
that they will never thrive in their relationship, we will leave your content
up. Otherwise, it will get taken down.
I'm not sure where I did any of that previously, some of the things I said WITH part of that statement are missing, but I don't see any of those things in this post
Thanks for staying with this
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I appreciate your writing more calmly about your experience as your experience. My impression is that this post is much more personal in nature. That is not how I read the last long posting. More than one person reported your post to me, and that's one indicator for me to look more closely. I/we will be delighted to continue to have your voice in the conversation - upbeat or not - as long as it is about you and your own efforts and experience and marriage. 'Though this may not be your experience, here's what happened to me' is what we seek in the way of advice, not 'XYZ will never happen (or will always happen) if you are with a person with ADHD (or with a non-ADHD partner).'
Some of what goes on in the forum is difficult to read, and I try to be liberal with letting folks express themselves...but when I feel that someone has gone over the line and blasted an entire group of people, I do react and, since it's a forum on my site, I do get the final say. If you see something that you think is outside the rules, feel free to report it and I will take a closer look.
Thank you???
Submitted by ADD times two w... on
What was it exactly that I said that triggered so many people? How was I not calm in my previous post? I ask you again if you have READ some of the post on this blog. I'm ADD and the non in my marriage and my spouse is ADHD. I am on both sides of the fence but some how I attacked an entire group of people that I'm a part of? I can be sociopathic. My behavior can suck all the joy out of my spouse. I described that in my ADD way. So my post got deleted because I attacked myself?
It's not my party. I am just a guest. I abided by the rules and still got kicked out of the party. But you are right, you are the host and I respect that. You can kick me out based on your view of my post. Understood.
There were a lot of claims made against me that no one had to support. Their SUBJECTIVE VIEW of my response was all it took. No one asked me what I mean by that. Their feelings, what we tell our spouses they can't live in, was allowed to shut me up. Just like my marriage used to be. It was justified under the guise of 'violating the rules' but I wasn't given an example of how exactly I did that. I was accused of attacking someone, but you couldn't tell me how I did that and side stepped and didn't address the verbal assault against me personally. Not that it bothered me enough to report it because it didn't; it was just that person was doing exactly what I was being reprimanded for and it was glossed over. Good for the goose and all that.
I appreciate your taking the time to reply to and even read my comments. But I would be remised if I didn't point out that what I said was oversimplified and misrepresented. I described MY attack by my ADD/ADHD spouse in my own way and put it in a context as a RESPONSE to the poster as to what my experience was like and what it would be like for them too. BASED ON MY EXPERIENCE. You said I was an expert, not me (and to say it is such a bad way and dismissed me.) another unsupported claim, and left me to defend an unfounded assault on my character.
Countless men and women call their situation hopeless. Call their spouses behavior sociopathic. But I was silenced exactly why? They talk about all the books they read. And how the meds don't work. I agreed but my post still got deleted. I was attacked and made to feel like I did something wrong.
And just like my spouse used to do to me, I have to be satisfied with the slander of me. I am supposed to say thank you because I was forced to basically say the same things I said before, but now it's more digestible and palatable to everyone else but me, and that's fair?
I gave another option. Truthfully. I didn't violate any posting rules. But that is besides the point. All I'm saying to you folks is there is hope but in my experience and reading all the same post you have, your ADD/ADHD spouse isn't going to help you get to the other side. Mine let me down over and over and over again.
I'm saying the moment I stopped being a baby wanting my spouse make me happy-we got happy. It sucks. It WORKED for me. What do YOU have to lose?
Hi
Submitted by sickandtired on
Welcome to the forum. I can feel your frustration in your posts. I’m wondering if you could please expand upon and explain what you mean in your last paragraph about the moment you “stopped being a baby” please?
Hello,
Submitted by ADD times two w... on
Hello,
Just that I stopped whining to him about what he wasn't doing for me. I honestly took time to self reflect on me and what I was doing to him.
My husband has never been good at communication in the verbal sense. I know he loves me by his actions. But once we got married I wanted him to pour his heart out to me. Why, he had never done it before.
I like a clean an orderly house. He is a slob. Always has been. When his U-Haul truck pulled up and he opened the back it was full of car parts! And stuff. He had two rust out cars and his grandma's furniture. But after we were married I expected him to be as clean and organized as I am. Why? He was a mess when I met him LoL.
I say thank you and recognize what he did do. I don't ask him to take out the trash anymore. I just take it out. After a while he saw me always taking out the trash, and he just started doing it!! He doesn't do it constantly true but I'm not doing all the time by myself either.
My spouse is an only child with zero experience with children. I just assumed that because he was so devoted to me during our courtship, that I just KNEW he was going to be an outstanding dad. Why? I had never seen him with children. We never had any deep conversations about children. Heck, I couldn't even have children the fun way because I had two ectopic pregnancies, which he knew from the one time we talked about children. Didn't stop him from telling me after we were married that he did in fact want children- adoption wasnt an option, so we can do IVF. I'll pay for it. GO. Fast forward to our three year old. He didn't do any of the things I thought he was supposed to do while I was pregnant or in the years that followed. It almost led us to divorce. More than once. I reverted back to my single mom days. When our son would go to his dad for things, I stepped in. I would tell him mommy will get it. I didn't do it in a spiteful way. I didn't huff and puff. I didn't make him stop whatever he was doing. He loves our son. He didn't like that. He stepped up.
That's what I mean. I stopped expecting him to do anything and he does more than I ever expect. I didn't put any pressure on him when we were dating. I swooned when he was around and I looked at him with stars in my eyes. I do those things. He responded. Our sex life is awesome.
It's not and wasn't/isn't easy. The other day we got into a fight and he said something and I spat it back at him. Told him yes I forgive you but give me a minute to get over myself. I should have stopped at BUT.
I think the world has spent some much time telling us married life is a ROM-COM and we in turn place all of our expectations on our spouses. We run away when the happy wears off. I place my spouses happiness my responsibility above my own.
I'm Christian. That is my worldview. Everything I do, if I'm doing it right, has to be based in that. Once I took myself out of it, I can honestly say things improved. I couldn't do it on my own. I wanted to hurt him. He broke parts of me. I was going to leave. I am/we are given grace every day. I'm forgiven every day for the lies I still tell and the anger I feel sometimes. If God can forgive me, then I can forgive my spouse. I said I can't do that, HE said yes you can because I'll carry that burden for you!!!! It wasn't that simple but it was that simple.
I don't know you, but of you have been in this war for as long as you have, you must love your husband right? If you looked back can you see some of his ADD/ADHD behavior? Does that change how much you love him? Would you battle yourself for him?
Girl, if I were you, I'd rejoice in being a stay at home wife/mother. Doesn't matter why. I would brag to all my friends about how my suga daddy hubby makes so much money I DON'T HAVE TO WORK. I would pick up his dirty socks and ask if he was hungry when he got home. I would make my kids say thank you to there father who works so hard they have anything they have. Shoot you have more time to spend making that man number one so you get to stay home! Don't let anyone make you feel ashamed for making him your priority or for making your family first in your heart.
It was my pride that prevented me from praising my spouse. I wanted them to say nice things about the stuff I did for them. I didn't do it for him, why would he do it for me? My hypocrisy astounded me.
Your man just wants you to say thanks babe for all you do...it's so small but it goes such a long way with them. They really are simple creatures.
We are all here because we are tired of doing the same thing and having our hearts broken. I can relate.
Not frustrated
Submitted by ADD times two w... on
Didn't get to say that part. I was frustrated with being mislabeled and misquoted. My marriage is so much better than it used to be. I'm just sharing my experience so people know there is Hope and life in ADD/ADHD.