Sigh. I don't even know how to put this all into words. I've been with my partner for 6.5 years and love him dearly. But. It's gotten so hard....and I'm so lonely. He has severe ADD, as well as defiance disorder and oppositional conversational style. I am a learning resource teacher so I'm well versed in strategies and tactics to use, the problem is, nothing is working, AT ALL. We always end up back at square one.
It's making me angry, bitter, resentful, and absolutely terrified that this will go on forever. We can never have a normal conversation about my life or interests, I can tell he's trying, but his canned answers and robotic tone tell me he is thinking about something else and could care less. The only time we have an authentic, back and forth conversation is when we are fighting.
He blames me for everything. If he forgets something, it's my fault I didn't remind him (defiance). Every idea I have is wrong in his eyes (opposition). Everything I say he opposes. He has probably agreed with me or said "good idea" without a prompt probably 10 times in 6.5 years. If I ask him to use different (non-hurtful) words it turns into a fight (defiance). His expectations of me are impossible to reach, yet he and others are excused from everything.
I've self-isolated, as it's the only thing I feel can shield me from the hurt (my former best friend was extremely ADHD as well, we had a major falling out as having 2 people closest to me with severe ADD was incredibly hard). I want to retreat into isolation even further, but I could never do that to my parents (by retreat I mean I want to move waaaaaaaaaaay into the woods, completely secluded from everyone and everything).
I don't know what to do. I've read the books, I've taken university courses, I apply strategies, and here I am 6.5 years later with absolutely zero self-esteem. I hate socializing with him because I see him giving other females the attention I'm soooo desperate for. I'm practically begging for it. My tank is empty. Every time I pull myself out of depression (hard work) something happens between us to sail me right back into it. So now I'm hyper sensitive, to the point where I just cry. TBH sometimes I wish he would cheat on me so I could hate him and leave. Sigh.
Any and all comments are welcome ❤️
Ask yourself
Submitted by sickandtired on
Hi, you need to ask yourself why you allow anyone to treat you so poorly. Your clinical training may make you feel that you can help him, but one’s mate CANNOT be one’s therapist as well. He needs to seek out professional help, rather than rely on you for everything, and then resent you and blame you perpetually. Most people who put up with constant abuse from their adhd mate have suffered abuse or neglect in the past themselves, and they have no concept of what a normal healthy relationship should look like. Your relationship is not normal and it is abusive. Your self esteem is suffering because you are taking on an impossible task... fixing an adhd person and expecting them to be an equal, loving and joyful partner is impossible. If you want an equal partner who will respect your emotions and attend to your needs, you need to find somebody else. They get worse with age, so don’t wait too long to leave. I wasted almost 12 years trying to fix my adhd boyfriend, and he just got more angry, paranoid, isolating and abusive. In the long run, the best thing you can do for him and for yourself is to quit enabling his bad behavior and GET OUT NOW.
This is so real " fixing an
Submitted by Nita Nagdwate on
You need to deal with the reality of the situation...
Submitted by c ur self on
Hello struggling here, Your story is very common here, it is perfectly understood, (crystal clear) because a high percentage of us live with, or have lived with his clone (male and female)....Sickandtired gave you awesome advice...You should think enough about yourself to heed it....
Never allow any mistakes you've made, or are currently making, guilt you into a life time of suffering and abuse in a relationship that will always be toxic, because of a self centered mind that will never have a healthy attachment with anyone....Some minds will never be self aware, some minds will never place others and responsibilities above selfish desires, some minds will always live in blame and denial, like I said, many of us are married to his clone...You were created to be loved, appreciated, and cared for...Never settle for anything less!
Bless you,
You are loved!
c
c ur self, I have read many
Submitted by davinci89 on
c ur self, I have read many of your posts you responded on my comments re: a bracelet) and wanted to take the time to say thank you. You have great insight and have obviously lived quite a journey. I appreciate the advice of getting out before the rest of your life is over and you can't get it back. The hard part is the love and when he's good we have so much fun together. My partner isn't a bad person, he has a mixed up brain. Leaving someone you love, that is deserved of love, as well, is just so damn hard. I know when we have come to serious blows in the past, he feels it, and hurts as much as I do, and so I don't know how to say "I've given it my best" knowing I'm leaving someone while I'm in love with them and in his way, I know he loves me. Reconciling all these things...
thanks again for your posts and I hope you are living a life with love
davinci89
Submitted by c ur self on
I understand the pain of the LOVE...:)....(she loves me as much as she is capable of, I think) I'm crazy about my wife, and I live w/ ton's of boundaries just so we can abide in the same space, as peaceful as possible....I just know if I had it to do over, I wouldn't do it....I would make her my friend, and sister, but, I would never put my hands on her, or enter a relationship, or marriage....Her life works great as a single person, but, her mind doesn't work well as a wife.....
I want go on, I think you might understand...Let me just say this: "You really can hate not being able to appreciate the simple fun times, when the burden of their intrusive living of life, and the lack of marriage work, has you so over burdened.....
We all have different circumstance's, even though we are dealing w/ many of the same behaviors.....Thank you so much for your kind comments, it's obvious you have a good heart, and love deeply.....
You may be another HSP like myself....
Blessings
c
Sounds familiar
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I stayed in my relationship over 20 years and just recently left. Don't be me... leave sooner. Live your life and be happy. I don't say it flippantly... I just got to the point where I could see that no matter what I did or said or felt, he was going to act the exact same towards me for the rest of our lives together. I was going to suffer and he was never going to care. That sounds pretty similar to your situation. I was merely an enabler for his life and he couldn't see that. And people can't change what they can't see. But if WE see it, we can change it by getting out (I'm not saying it's not worth trying and staying for many... with a willing partner, things can improve. But when you've given it your all and are getting nothing back...you have to ask yourself how long you want to live like that).
You sound so sad and I have been exactly there. I couldn't leave until I was strong enough because leaving takes so much energy. I would say get strong and get out. Surround yourself with loved ones rather than retreating from them and let them help you. You've dedicated your life to helping others, but now is the time to take... take all the support and help you can get and start living your life for YOU. ❤️
This is the best piece of
Submitted by Beyondwitsend on
This is the best piece of advice. I echoed similar advice in a later comment. I'm also in a similar situation but have recently mentally and emotionally divorced myself from my husband. I got so tired of waiting for change (10+ years) and have turned the focus not on saving my marriage but saving my sanity. I act like a single mom cuz that is the reality.
Felling hopeless
Submitted by Nita Nagdwate on
This thread is a good find.
Submitted by curran on
This thread is a good find. This idea of "Oppositional Defiant Disorder" is quite interesting. I wonder if I have this...
Some interesting reads on the subject:
Not alone
Submitted by J.W. on
I read this and it really hit home. Feeling the same way, and now the isolation has become yet another barrier. It is such a lonely road. I wish you happiness.
After reading your post I
Submitted by Beyondwitsend on
After reading your post I struggle to see what you could love in this guy. The last line was extremely telling--that you would leave him if he were cheating on you. Cheating doesn't just have to mean having an affair. Hes putting his interests and needs above yours and seems to have no respect for you. You deserve so much more in life. Start focusing on your own mental and spiritual health and start planning your exit strategy. Good luck.
If you don't have kids you
Submitted by SJC2021 on
If you don't have kids you are lucky. He will not change, and you need to leave him IMO. Go find happiness.
You will be amazed at how normal your current life isn't when you get away from the noise of being with someone with ADHD.
His world, and his mind, is always in utter chaos. Always. Especially if they don't medicate .
You cannot control the chaos.
yes
Submitted by MATTHD on
OMG the robotic comments and fake apologies...."canned answers". In my case, my wife will say (every time), "i'm sorry!" or "you must feel sad and alone". Partly, she didn't know what else to do and was afraid of my anger....Partly, she just didn't care. I always would ask her to just become curious about the state of affairs and it was absolutely impossible. She didn't see how her behavior caused pain and therefore, because her intentions weren't consciously malevolent, must not have happened. You can consider this a form of gaslighting....it's tough.
For sure. They learn very
Submitted by SJC2021 on
For sure. They learn very quickly what to say to you- because they heard you say it lol.
They are incapable of having a normal, free flow conversation like an adult. Utterly incapable.
They give canned answers because its all they know. It's almost like how Dexter used to know the appropriate things to do on his show.
But they do not feel sorry, or feel responsible. They never, ever, really do.