I has officially diagnosed on Monday, so thats good and it shows that Im not just crazy. I have problems communicating with my wife though. I havent started therapy yet so I turn to you all to see if I can get some pointers or something.
Things I tend to say or do, my wife takes them as signs that I do not care about her. Ill admit that I do, or have done things for others without considering her. Ill put that on me 100% In saying that I know how wrong of me it was and would not even consider repeating it again. Or for instance our wedding pictures, I had no smile at all in any of them. Why I can not tell you, That doesn't reflect how truly happy i was though. I felt so happy that we were actually legally one at that time. Its things like that, that I cannot explain that do not reflect my true feelings and caring for her. This is what she sees and hears though. She cannot be in my mind getting a true sense of how I feel about her. I try to convey this in small actions but I dont think its enough. Or I say something and it gets all garbled up and I end up making her upset. Its maddening and I get frustrated that I cant explain things so easily or just dont know how a lot of times. I explain to her that those are not really how I feel about her but I cant blame her for not seeing it that way.
What's up with the wedding
Submitted by vabeachgal on
What's up with the wedding picture thing? I would love it if you could explain that one to me, from your perspective. Why do you think it's hard for you to show how you feel?
We got married at a bed and breakfast. It was very simple. (Sigh. I had to plan it, pay for it and tell him when to show up. LOL Duh) We didn't have a lot of pictures, but my H was not smiling in a single one of them. It was so hurtful. When I go into other's homes and see happy wedding pictures displayed, I feel sad. Very sad. I can't really explain how it made me feel but it wasn't good. Are you saying that your wife noted that and was displeased/saddened/dismayed? If so, I can definitely understand the feeling. There are times when reminiscing and looking at happy photos might have helped. Instead, the photos reinforce reinforce the negative in the marriage rather than being a sign of hope and love. It doesn't help that our culture is saturated with happy photos of grooms looking at their brides in adoration.
No hate mail, please. For the record I am not a big fan of over the top, uber expensive, big production, themed, more about the wedding the the marriage events. I chose a simple wedding and I was happy with that. I simply wish that I had a single photo that showed that my H was also happy that day.
I take that back. There is ONE picture of him smiling. It's a solo shot of him. Other guests arrived at the b and b. It was a NASCAR race weekend. The race venue wasn't even close to the b and b, but another couple did arrive to stay for race weekend. My H was talking with the other gentleman about the race. THAT'S when he smiled for a picture. Oh, and I think someone had just handed him a beer. The other couple was honeymooning. The guy was still over the top about getting married. Nice. 15 years. Still hurts. At the risk of sounding immature, it really cast a shadow over the start of our life together. I'm not sure what I saw on his face, but it didn't seem to be happiness. Do you show happiness and enthusiasm over other things not relationship based, as my H does?
I wish I knew.
Submitted by BS on
I really widh I could tell you, and my wife as to why. I mean i idn't feel like I was trapped or anything bad. When I saw her walk down the isle....... I think I had the biggest smile EVER. That is honest truth. Like the biggest and I was so happy. I was happy the whole time in fact. Of course That smile wasn't in any picture at all. Our photographer was decent at best. It was a small wedding just some family and a few friends. The photographer was my mom's boyfriends daughter. we didnt get many pictures from her as well. I do know for a fact that I was smiling while she walked the isle. The rest are a mystery to me though. Even at the honeymoon I was all smiles. (Im pretty sure I was) i Dont know why I wouldnt be. I love her so much and am happy to be with her. I do understand you though about it casting a cloud. It always hurts when she brings it up. Makes me wish I could go back and smack myself and ask what the heck man. I dont realize if I do show enthusiasm and happiness over other things but she does tell me that I do it a lot. Im trying to focus more on her after too long of not doing so. I mean, I want the world for her and changing is not easy also a long process. I do realize that I need to change unless I want to be on my own. I DO want to change to let her know and see how much I care. Thinking and trying to see it from her side, not good and I would feel the same as she and you do. Its a very hard pill to swallow. Also hard to figure what and how to make changes for the better. Which is why I joined here. I NEED help and WANT it. For the sake of us staying together and looking back one day and saying, "Yes, he was such a bug Jerk, Good riddens".
I can relate
Submitted by Bkfindley on
I'm the non-ADHD spouse, and my H looks like he's going to throw up in all of our wedding pictures, except one where he's offering up a wobbly smile that looks like he might burst into tears at any second. His lapels are completely soaked in all of our wedding pictures, and that's what I want to focus on - because that was clearly a physiological response to the enormous amount of stress he was feeling. I know he was happy to be getting married, but he wanted everything to be perfect and of course he flubbed one of his lines because he lost track of what he was supposed to "repeat after me". So I understand perfectly why you might not have been smiling in your wedding photos.
My H also snaps at me over stupid little stuff and has trouble patching things up if he's acted in a self-centered way. He almost never stutters, but he almost always does when he's trying to explain himself if I'm angry. The most important thing, though, is that he makes it a point to tell me that he loves me and appreciates my patience - it's just that he can only do that when nothing is stressing him out. H says that he feels like he has to make an effort during the not stressful times so I'll keep putting up with him when he's stressed and has so little control over his frustration.
I helps a lot that he is finally telling me what it's like in his head, and that he puts in that extra effort to be attentive when he can. Now that I know how impossible things are for him when he's having a frustrating ADHD moment I try to moderate my response and wait for him to come back to himself. Maybe you could try to do the same, and talk to your W about what you are feeling.
One last suggestion: if my H is really blowing it, and not supporting me at a time when anybody should know that your partner should be supporting you, I'll say "OK, you can choose to do...whatever...but this is one of those times when you'll need to apologize to me later." Occasionally that actually gets through at that moment. I think the secret is to take that approach sparingly and when it's blatantly obvious. Like, the dog died and I'm in tears and he's saying that he can't take time to help me dig the grave because he already made plans to do something with his buddy. The real "bonehead" moments. :)
good luck! I'm glad you have a diagnosis. At least now you have a solid place to start from.
Thanks.
Submitted by BS on
Yeah, that sounds like me. Of course I cant say you hit the head on the nail as to the wedding, but maybe, it is a stressful time. I completely understand the "duh" moments though. Where he should know when something is wrong and he should be there. I dont recognize it most times but I will come back a little later and apologize. If its something big I will stick with her, of course if I realize what is happening in the moment, which is difficult at times. Its not easy to explain especially in the moment when a lot of things are getting thrown at us and were just trying to remember the first one or two things that happened or was said. I am starting to let W know stuff or how I am processing or trying to. I think she will get a better understanding as time moves on though.
Qustions.
Submitted by BS on
Ok, now after thinking of this and the question just popping into my head, is for both of you. Do you think it possible that these "actions" could be a cause of either the ADHD or something along those lines? I mean I am not trying to say to either of or my wife that "Its not my fault its the ADHD," However seeing that both of your husbands have done pretty much the same as I, could it actually be a symptom of sorts? It just makes me curious as I do not seem to be the only one who has ADHD who has done this. I am also curious as to if others have done this or how many? Honestly I still cant say as to why Ive done any of the hurtful things. I really wish I hadn't though. I would also be curious to hear a professional opinion on this, as I have just started medication for OCD and for ADHD yet and also await therapy.
Hold Onto That Thought BS
Submitted by kellyj on
Is this a symptom or sorts? Yes!!! The symptom is difficulty seeing yourself as others see you? That's it in a nut shell right there? The trick is, not to let that make you self conscious... but self aware?
Self consciousness as I am saying this...is being kind of paranoid and insecure in feeling like people are judging you or looking at you and thinking all kinds of things that they are probably not thinking? Most of the time ( the vast majority of the time...the only thing people are thinking in moments when you get a "funny look" from them...is most likely "WTF Dude?" And that's about as far as it goes? Poeple are not "thinking about you"...or spending a lot of extra time "worrying about you and what you're doing"...until it effects them in some way...and is causing them to react to something you did?
If you make yourself...so "self important"...in believing people are really caring that much about what you do...good or bad.....you can start to imagine all manner of things that aren't happening...when most of the time...it might be nothing more...than interrupting them when they speak...or not listening to them and thinking about what you are going to say next instead of hearing them as they speak? Impatience and interrupting....ARE SYMPTOMS BIG TIME!!! And mostly....when you get interrupted yourself...it;s not a federal offense....as long as you don;t keep doing it? If you don't realize your being impulsive....and are compelled to jump into the middle of peoples sentences or just keep showing that your not listening to them ( even if you are )...what shows is the "interrupting part" to other people...and that;s really all they care about?
And as far as these actions being the cause of ADHD? I think you've got that ass backwards just for a start? The ADHD...effects everything as far as your emotions, behaviors and weird quirky habits ( things you do and don;t know why? ) across the board...at the source.
Speaking from someone who has it? Any time you wonder...."why do I do these things"? Chances are....you can trace it to ADHD in one form or another all the way back to the source..and if you just take that for granted.....then you can try and figure out a better way to work around these things ( than you have been doing ) if people are giving you that ..."Dude..WTF??"....look. If you have ADHD as you been diagnosed......you probably have a life time of examples of this...to fall back on and use to show you when and where...you need to change something or do something different? Don't expect to figure this out all at once. It will take some time to start paying attention to it and become more aware of it...but being self conscious is probably what you are already familiar with or at least in part? That won't serve you to be more that way and probably only serve to increase your anxiety level...especially if there is some OCD type symptoms emerging along with any increased stress and anxiety symptoms which is just "anxiety" run amok? The more self conscious...the more anxiety? The more self awareness...the less these things will effect you or anyone else for that matter which is the best course of action I think if you can see it that way instead?
Good Luck to you and I hope all goes well and you can find a way to improve for yourself more than anything else? If you focus on that instead of what other people are doing....the other people part...will take care of itself. Just my experience with this more than anything...because I am not a professional but just someone who has it? That all?
J
Huh?
Submitted by BS on
So Im a litttle confused on part of this either Im overthinking it or you mistakenly typed it wrong, I dont know. But when you said
"And as far as these actions being the cause of ADHD? I think you've got that ass backwards just for a start? The ADHD...effects everything as far as your emotions, behaviors and weird quirky habits ( things you do and don;t know why? ) across the board...at the source"
I think you meant to say, these actions being caused BY and not the cause OF?
Redo Here BS
Submitted by kellyj on
It was just how I read what you said which is less important to what is at the source. A lot of the causes "of behaviors" are indirect to the source ( one step removed)...but at the source, and the "reason for them" perhaps better put...is ADHD. That is the hard part to see or notice until you understand why the symptom exists? Interrupting for example...is impulse control. That is, at the source....ADHD?
So in respect to what you are wondering about....ADHD ( or lack of impulse control ) is the source. Not being able to control the impulse..is you, not controlling it. The interrupting ...is the symptom..that everyone else can see and feel that you may or may not be aware that you do...or aware that you do...as much. Simply put? I'm using that one since...it was the first one that I changed because I had to in order to talk to people in my line of work...and interrupting "customers"...isn't going inspire them, to want to come back even if everything else I did for them...was perfectly fine? That's the insidious nature of it as far as "seeing yourself as others see you." But actually....it's not what people see....it's what they "feel" when they get interrupted? That's the part...that you will never know...unless they were to tell you? And mostly.....people aren't going to tell you...unless you know them really well....or live with them per se? Some might ( strangers or acquaintances )...but most I have found...won't say anything to you? But they will say something to other people...if you do it often and it becomes a problem for them?
I for one...am not likely to go complain to the management...or write a nasty review or feedback card in a restaurant...if the service is bad or the food isn't up to par or meet my expectations? I'm more likely....just not to go back there again...which means they might never know why....their business is falling off ...unless they figure out what the problem is..and correct it on their own? I might go back again if the food is really good...but if the service is bad...or the wait help is "short and surly" with me.....and I probably won't go back there again...even IF the food is good?
The best source or person you have to tell you these things...is your wife or person you live with since they are the ones who have to live with you? They are "stuck" with you and these things and are the ones who will say something? You best source of any information as far as what or which...thing you should start with in my mind...is your wife...first and foremost...since I am sure ( the same with me ) that she is not the only one who may notice some of these symptoms....but is likely to be the only one who will say anything ..in the same way, I am not likely to go tell the management of a restaurant...that the wait help is bad? I just won't go back.....straight to the point I am trying to make?
And just to be sure....my example of "bad wait help"...is kind of irrelevant to you? It's just an example..of how other people see things or feel things about ( their experience ) and don't always go to the source ( or management ) and say anything? With you...just in these ADHD symptoms related to ADHD only....your the source ( or the management ) ...and your wife is the customer if you want to put it that way? Not everything is ADHD.....but as far as your ability to see yourself or know ( the experience it is to be with you ).....you can't know that...unless someone else tells you? Simply put?
All I can say as far as any tips or advise here? Look at the things you don't like yourself...and make sure...your not doing those things yourself...or better...not aware that you are doing those things yourself...or to the frequency or amount...that you do them? That's the "awareness part"...that may take some time to become more aware of? Even when I am aware of it....it still takes some effort to control it and be on it...all the time which unfortunately...is our burden here and what you have to do? You've got ADHD...from the second you open your eyes in the morning...until you go to bed at night? Including when your sleeping.....that's the hard part and the part that takes some effort in getting use to "watching yourself like a Hawk"...until that in itself...becomes a habit and it does become a habit...but like anything else....you have to develop it in the first place? That's the hard part and what takes time an effort and won't just happen...over night?
J
J