I feel like there is this ongoing destructive cycle in my home. My husband is trying his best to do what he thinks is important. I just see all that he leaves undone and get angry at feeling like I have to follow behind him and pick up all the pieces. When I complain, which seems to be more and more lately, he feels like I don't appreciate how hard he works. He does work hard and I do appreciate it, however, I don't believe working hard justifies leaving everything undone at home. I keep telling myself "don't complain, don't complain, just focus on the positives"....and I know I need a new perspective because I'm having such a hard time trying to even see the positives anymore. I wish I felt like they outweighed the problems, but lately I don't. Am I supposed to just accept that I will have to live in a pig sty or drive around a filthy car because he won't help me? Am I supposed to wait a month and a half for him to vacuum the bedroom? At what point do I just do it myself and not be enabling his irresponsible disrespectful behavior? I have so many questions. What do I tolerate of his behavior? What is normal for married couples? Will there ever be a point where our marriage feels comfortable, secure and peaceful? When I say secure I don't mean commitment, I mean that I can be vulnerable without fear of getting pummeled by his explosive outbursts over the most irrational things at the most unexpected moments. I am so tired. I know he tries sometimes especially when I get to my wits end, but it is inevitable he resorts back to his normal behavior within weeks or sometimes days. He is full of excuses. He regularly changes subjects in conversations which is exhausting for me when I'm trying to discuss something serious with him. He almost always makes our discussions about something else. I feel like I'm talking to a child because I have to constantly redirect the conversation back to the topic. I am known to be a very patient person but he uses up almost all of my patience. My time is even more stressed because of being a full time grad student so I want to be able to address things quickly and to the point with him,...which is clearly a futile expectation. And even if we do discuss something and I begin to think "oh good, we've made some progress" he forgets what has happened or what we've talked about and he almost always repeats his behaviors. His last explosive and humiliating outburst was a week and a half ago. It took a week before he would discuss it with me (after first he tried to justify speaking to me that way, and then second acted like nothing had happened, meanwhile I fell into a depression after culminating issues with him and got behind in all of my school work because I slept all week, cried, and had no appetite - all of which he refused to acknowledge) and I told him that the next time he talks to me that way I will move out. At first he said "okay", then about ten minutes later, I guess in some attempt to not feel like he was fully at fault for anything, he retaliated by saying I don't appreciate how hard he works. He always says this, but when I ask him what can I do differently so that you feel appreciated, he never has anything to say. I send him random texts thanking him for how hard he works and the life he provides for us. I never complain when he sleeps in. I try my damnedest to not complain about how his fishing compulsion consumes the equivalent amount of time his work schedules demands. I mean, is it really too much to ask for him to commit to one hour of cleaning around the house per week? I spend hours and hours keeping everything up, on top of my consuming school schedule which totals his play time fishing and working. He never looks at our marriage as us "being one". Even though I am nearly killing myself with an overloaded school schedule (to please him I might add, and going back to school was at his great encouragement which he now enjoys complaining about- can't win for nothing) he always devalues how hard I'm working at school because I am not earning any money by being a student. I'm working harder than he is and have next to no time for myself, and next to nothing would get done at home if it weren't for me. That's why it is so tempting to move out.....I already feel alone in this marriage. I feel I can never please him. I feel like I do everything myself anyway. Neither one of us apparently feel appreciated. I love him, but I'm so tired. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have to go to school full time. I think he just likes to hold that over my head in some kind of attempted control thing. Any effort I have made to please him or help our marriage just comes back to bite me in the ass. Nothing is ever good enough for him. He will always find a way to complain about something he was ecstatic about five minutes before. He is impossible to read and exhausting to live with. I look back on when we were dating and think of what a cruel joke God has played on me. Why was I so blinded by that initial euphoria? I told God that he knew if he hadn't made ADHDers hyperfocused when they date so they seem unbelievably romantic then nobody would ever marry them. And then I get angry at God for making him that way and for letting me be so stupid to jump into this marriage. And I demand an answer from God "why did you make him this way?" There has to be some purpose right? I hate being so negative. Why won't God make it clear to me? I know marriage is about refinement,....so I guess God knew I needed a lot of refinement. I guess refinement is supposed to be painful. I want to look toward our future with hope, but I have this dreaded feeling it will only get worse...and the way it looks I'll never have a family with him. I keep wanting to write a post on here about all his positives, but there is always another incident. I've already written a novel on here, but I could write a novel on everything that has happened since he blew up at me a week and a half ago. Everyone sees it and I know I look like a fool for staying with him or looking like I put up with it. They don't know what this kind of marriage is like. They don't know that if I respond to his anger that it will only result in him being more explosive. ...that it will only result in a migraine and hoarse voice for me in the end. I tried that in the beginning and learned quickly how futile it is even if it seems the only way to get him to listen. I have learned that trying to fight with him is like banging my head against a brick wall, you can't win and you can't get him to see any other perspective but his own. One time I was driving us to a surprise birthday getaway weekend that I had planned for him, and he broke out into full blown tantrum because of his (new to me) hatred for Armor All. He became even more furious that I would not agree with him and share his hatred for it. He proceeded to bang the dash and beat the window which I imagine would potentially cause most people to crash the car. I sat there facing forward trying not to fall apart laughing at the ridiculousness of it all thinking "is this really happening?", but....I guess you all are used to this insanity as well. I'm so glad I had a friend refer me to Orlov's book and this site so I can stop wondering if I'm the insane one.
Feeling lost, sad, confused and frustrated
Submitted by Rh on 10/16/2012.
I feel like there is this
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
I feel like there is this ongoing destructive cycle in my home. My husband is trying his best to do what he thinks is important. I just see all that he leaves undone and get angry at feeling like I have to follow behind him and pick up all the pieces. When I complain, which seems to be more and more lately, he feels like I don't appreciate how hard he works. He does work hard and I do appreciate it, however, I don't believe working hard justifies leaving everything undone at home.
I get this a lot too. It's like my ADHD husband has to focus on one thing at a time. Like he's focusing on my finding a better job right now. Does spending time with me figure into it? Nope.
I keep telling myself "don't complain, don't complain, just focus on the positives"....and I know I need a new perspective because I'm having such a hard time trying to even see the positives anymore. I wish I felt like they outweighed the problems, but lately I don't.
It's hard. My hubby is always telling me to focus on the positives but it's so hard when everything is so out of whack?
Am I supposed to just accept that I will have to live in a pig sty or drive around a filthy car because he won't help me? Am I supposed to wait a month and a half for him to vacuum the bedroom? At what point do I just do it myself and not be enabling his irresponsible disrespectful behavior? I have so many questions. What do I tolerate of his behavior?
Are you in a position to hire someone to clean the house? Some of this stuff is small potatoes. Yeah, on occasion, I get cranky or resentful that my hubby doesn't help out around the house. He gets his dishes to the sink and occasionally will wash the dishes. There is never any reason why it suddenly enters his head, "Hey maybe I should wash the dishes?" But it's a nice surprise when he does.
What is normal for married couples?
I've recently discovered that applying "norms" to marriages with ADHD partners is not the best idea. You have to build the best marriage for yourselves irregardless of what others are doing. It's hard, I know. Especially in a day and age when everyone's laundry is on air in public. :-)
Will there ever be a point where our marriage feels comfortable, secure and peaceful? When I say secure I don't mean commitment, I mean that I can be vulnerable without fear of getting pummeled by his explosive outbursts over the most irrational things at the most unexpected moments.
I ask myself that daily. As for the angry outbursts, have you ever set ground rules for your relationship? My hubby and I have been in counseling for close to a year now and we're to the point where we are not making much forward progress. There's too much regression into the past and our counselor is getting irritated, I think. She finally charged us for putting down our "non-negotiables" for the relationship. It may help you to do something similar.
I am so tired. I know he tries sometimes especially when I get to my wits end, but it is inevitable he resorts back to his normal behavior within weeks or sometimes days. He is full of excuses. He regularly changes subjects in conversations which is exhausting for me when I'm trying to discuss something serious with him. He almost always makes our discussions about something else. I feel like I'm talking to a child because I have to constantly redirect the conversation back to the topic. I am known to be a very patient person but he uses up almost all of my patience. My time is even more stressed because of being a full time grad student so I want to be able to address things quickly and to the point with him,...which is clearly a futile expectation. And even if we do discuss something and I begin to think "oh good, we've made some progress" he forgets what has happened or what we've talked about and he almost always repeats his behaviors.
This is par for the course. Pure inattention. It's not anything personal. They do it to someone else if it wasn't you. Yes, it's annoying. It may be worth trying to gauge when he is at his "best" in terms of attention. But I'm preaching to the choir here as I have yet to figure that out for my hubby.
His last explosive and humiliating outburst was a week and a half ago. It took a week before he would discuss it with me (after first he tried to justify speaking to me that way, and then second acted like nothing had happened, meanwhile I fell into a depression after culminating issues with him and got behind in all of my school work because I slept all week, cried, and had no appetite - all of which he refused to acknowledge) and I told him that the next time he talks to me that way I will move out. At first he said "okay", then about ten minutes later, I guess in some attempt to not feel like he was fully at fault for anything, he retaliated by saying I don't appreciate how hard he works.
While this response was not right, it's a clear indication that he knows he was wrong. He's trying to make himself feel better.
He always says this, but when I ask him what can I do differently so that you feel appreciated, he never has anything to say. I send him random texts thanking him for how hard he works and the life he provides for us. I never complain when he sleeps in. I try my damnedest to not complain about how his fishing compulsion consumes the equivalent amount of time his work schedules demands. I mean, is it really too much to ask for him to commit to one hour of cleaning around the house per week? I spend hours and hours keeping everything up, on top of my consuming school schedule which totals his play time fishing and working.
I get similar. They just don't register the casual "thank you" in word or text. And I know how you feel about the fishing. It's pool for my hubby, though his time is so divided now, he seems to be coming off of it for the first time in over a year.
He never looks at our marriage as us "being one".
A lot of people don't look at marriage that way. I think that accounts for the high divorce rate. People think that they can just carry on as they have before without acknowledging that they yoked themselves together with someone else. It's taken my hubby four years to figure this out and he still struggles.
Even though I am nearly killing myself with an overloaded school schedule (to please him I might add, and going back to school was at his great encouragement which he now enjoys complaining about- can't win for nothing) he always devalues how hard I'm working at school because I am not earning any money by being a student. I'm working harder than he is and have next to no time for myself, and next to nothing would get done at home if it weren't for me. That's why it is so tempting to move out.....I already feel alone in this marriage. I feel I can never please him. I feel like I do everything myself anyway. Neither one of us apparently feel appreciated. I love him, but I'm so tired. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have to go to school full time. I think he just likes to hold that over my head in some kind of attempted control thing. Any effort I have made to please him or help our marriage just comes back to bite me in the ass. Nothing is ever good enough for him. He will always find a way to complain about something he was ecstatic about five minutes before. He is impossible to read and exhausting to live with. I look back on when we were dating and think of what a cruel joke God has played on me. Why was I so blinded by that initial euphoria? I told God that he knew if he hadn't made ADHDers hyperfocused when they date so they seem unbelievably romantic then nobody would ever marry them. And then I get angry at God for making him that way and for letting me be so stupid to jump into this marriage. And I demand an answer from God "why did you make him this way?" There has to be some purpose right? I hate being so negative. Why won't God make it clear to me? I know marriage is about refinement,....so I guess God knew I needed a lot of refinement. I guess refinement is supposed to be painful. I want to look toward our future with hope, but I have this dreaded feeling it will only get worse...and the way it looks I'll never have a family with him.
I could have written this verbatim a year or so ago. As for God, I ask him those things all the time. The only thing that helps me sleep at night is that I will be blessed eventually by keeping my vows. I understand wanting to have hope. Lately I've been besieged by fear. Fear that this uneasy detente that we have is as good as it will get. I've made my peace about not having a family. He would be a good father but I know he can't counted on, nor is our relationship in a position to handle the introduction of children.
I keep wanting to write a post on here about all his positives, but there is always another incident. I've already written a novel on here, but I could write a novel on everything that has happened since he blew up at me a week and a half ago. Everyone sees it and I know I look like a fool for staying with him or looking like I put up with it. They don't know what this kind of marriage is like. They don't know that if I respond to his anger that it will only result in him being more explosive. ...that it will only result in a migraine and hoarse voice for me in the end. I tried that in the beginning and learned quickly how futile it is even if it seems the only way to get him to listen. I have learned that trying to fight with him is like banging my head against a brick wall, you can't win and you can't get him to see any other perspective but his own.
Amen sister! It is like banging your head against a wall. They talk circles around you to the point where you think you are the crazy one.
One time I was driving us to a surprise birthday getaway weekend that I had planned for him, and he broke out into full blown tantrum because of his (new to me) hatred for Armor All. He became even more furious that I would not agree with him and share his hatred for it. He proceeded to bang the dash and beat the window which I imagine would potentially cause most people to crash the car. I sat there facing forward trying not to fall apart laughing at the ridiculousness of it all thinking "is this really happening?", but....I guess you all are used to this insanity as well. I'm so glad I had a friend refer me to Orlov's book and this site so I can stop wondering if I'm the insane one.
My hubby likes to abuse cars as well. Only one time he ripped the sun shade off the car ceiling and started bashing his face into it. It wasn't pretty. And yet it was so, so sad. Self loathing realized.
Keep posting, Rmvh. It will be OK. Have you ever tried going to counseling with him? I want to say you mentioned that he wasn't open to the idea. Would he be if it was an ultimatum? Hang in there.