My husband and I have been married for 19 years. But for the last 12 years he has not contributed financially to our family. He quitted his job and started his own business. We agreed to this new venture for two years. The business did not take off. He tried several other businesses after that. Nothing really worked. He seems to have a problem with clutters. Our place is a two bedroom condo. The second bedroom has always been used as his "office/storage" cluttered with boxes and stuff. It is in complete disarray. I am not allowed to organize anything in this room. One day I discovered a base board hidden behind the clutters in this room that was crumbled by termites. I fell apart and felt utterly helpless. I realized that something is severely broken in our marriage and particularly in my husband. After scanning through the book "Driven to Distraction" written by Edward M. Hallowell, we came to the conclusion that my husband has ADD. He has pretty much everything listed in Chapter 7, table II, under the Suggested Diagnostic Criteria for ADD in Adults. On one hand, I was relieved now that I could put a name to this problem. On the other hand, I was completely crushed.
It is one thing to know what it is. It is entirely a different issue not knowing how to cope or where to go from here. It feels like being in a dark room and being hit by some force that I cannot see. I don't know how to defend from this "monster". Because I am ill equipped in dealing with this challenge, I resort to being a classic enabler. I tend to reinforce his irresponsible behaviors and end up resenting myself for giving in and him for having this condition. I give him a "drunk" instead of a "drink". But I don't know how to get out of this unhealthy pattern.
I am a believer in Christ. I know the Lord is in control of our situation. There is a reason for everything we are going through.
ADHD is not your enemy
Submitted by arwen on
ADHD isn't an enemy, any more than allergies, or color-blindness. It may not be very welcome, but you *can* learn to live with it. At most, ADHD is a stranger, someone you don't really know even though you've seen it close up from time to time.
Please take the opportunity that this website offers and read, read, read the blogs and posts you can find here about what other people have experienced and learned in dealing with ADHD -- from both the perspective of the ADHDer and the non-ADHD partner. You can't cope with something effectively if you don't understand it. There are many helpful books as well, such as Dr. Hallowell's "Driven to Distraction". Your partner also needs to learn about his disorder. Most people with ADHD need both medications and counseling to be able to cope effectively.
My ADHD spouse and I have been married for 35 years. He was diagnosed 15 years ago, and he has been taken meds and going to counseling ever since. (He also has Seasonal Affective Disorder, which we didn't know then.) Back then there were no support sites like this, and we were pretty much "winging it", so it was slow going and hard, hard work. Although at one point we were separated for almost a year, we have learned to manage our relationship and his ADHD and SAD in ways that work well for us, and over the past four years, our marriage has grown happier and stronger than it had been for over 20 years.
Good luck!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore