Well, I started the process of filing for divorce yesterday. Every time I filled out a field in the form my heart broke more. I am so sad that I can barely function. This isnt what I wanted. I did everything I could to stop this. Even though I am the one pulling the trigger so to speak, I do so unwillingly. I do so with the greatest and deepest sadness. I paid the attorney, filled out the case questionaire, and from there they prep the docs, send over to me for approval then they file. I would go to the moon and back to somehow change this before its final. But I know it wont happen. I know he has made his choice. He had other options - but he didnt choose them. I pulled the trigger - but it was his choice for me to do so.
All thats left for me to do now is to clean up the mess. He wont have too. He will happily go on, easily moving in with his good friends and live the life of gaming and porn. I am sure he will be surrounded by women who wont care, and who wont be around for long. Thats ok. Its his choice. I will clean up the mess left behind, try to patch up whats left of my heart if there is anything left at all. I will clean the house, feed the dogs, work every day and every night so that I dont have to think about any of this anymore. I will pack the boxes, purge belongings, go to the grocery store, cook dinner for one, play with my dogs.
But right now - at this moment, its all I can do to breath. Its all I can do to keep myself from falling apart... looking at the wreckage of my sacrifices so carelessly tossed aside. It hurts so bad that I cant even focus my eyes anymore. Do I want this? No. Do I need this? Yes. I needed one of two things. Either he commits and acts on the changes he promised and SHOWS me, or I needed to break my self apart from him and move on. I let him choose what I got. And so I need to learn to be happy with it.
Its hard for me to not imagine how things will be for him once he moves. How easy things will be for him. He just shuts it away, an annoyance to be forgotten. He was worried about what DVDs and Magic cards he was gonna get while I was filling out the lawyer's form. He already has his priorities.
I told him the sooner the better - not because I want him gone, but because its too hard on me for him to be here. I dont know how to look at him and not love him endlessly. Even though anger and hurt clouds that - its still love that I feel. I dont know how to not call him affectionate nicknames, or to tell him I love him. I have been trying for a long time to not try and get his attention with anything I care about because I know what the reaction is - but I dont know how to stop WANTING to show him stuff. I told him the sooner the better so that I dont ended up loosing my mind in grief. I dont know how to hide it - which I do so that it doesnt affect him and his decisions. I dont want pity. I know that somewhere down the line this wont consume my thoughts and emotions. I know that maybe in a year or two, I wont want to cry as soon as I wake up and know that its all gone. In the meantime, I will grieve the marriage and the man I loved, even though he didnt exist. The one who promised me roses on random days and arms to fall asleep in at night.
I never wanted this, but I guess this is what is. So I will deal with it like everything else. My granddaddy said I was made of iron. I think I am made of titanium.
The bear went over the mountain, to see yet another mountain
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
SpaceyStacey1975,
I mourn the loss with you. I am sorry this is where it led. You are one of several posters to this forum that I have watched end up in what seems to be the inevitable. And we fight it, don't we? And we beg and plead that it not be so. And we cry and plead and search and hope and. . . . .then we cry. And we try just ONE MORE book, and ONE MORE counselor, and dream of what coulda, woulda, shoulda be.
And there is just not enough bottles of glue to paste our heart and souls back together again.
I am told, "You are One Stubborn Pollack," and "You will survive," and, "Just let go and FLY!" and "It will be OK." and even with all that, I am just not quite there yet.
Hugs to you. I know the road so well. It is harsh. I am so very sorry.
I honor your sadness
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
SpaceyStacey1975,
Thank you for sharing from the depths of your feelings. Having once gone through this myself, I remember the wrenching feelings of despair and incredible sadness with the thought of "Why did it have to end up this way?" I can so appreciate how hard it is at times to just put one foot in front of the other, trying to imagine that it will be easier some day. And I know that you believe it is so much easier on his side of the road. Are you sure that is true? Men cover over their feelings better than women. It doesn't mean that they don't have them.
But that's not really why I'm compelled to write this. Instead, what I want to encourage is that when you can allow for it, you honor your grief. Sounds like you are wise enough to know that it has its place and time, and that for now, it is where you are. You sound like a woman who is very much in touch with herself, and knows that with time, all of this will run its course. In the meantime, your willingness to share your story is truly a gift to those who might follow behind you...you are allowing others to witness your pain, and I hope, in the process, it gives you a bit of relief. I appreciate that in your vulnerability you are showing real strength.
I honor your process.
SpaceyStacey1975,
Submitted by Standing on
SpaceyStacey1975,
I am sorry that this hurts so much. And I am sorry that he did not love you the way you deserve to be, and need to be loved. For me, trying to learn to look Up for that love is helping, but I still feel that blade to my gut when I read: "I have been trying for a long time to not try and get his attention with anything I care about because I know what the reaction is - but I dont know how to stop WANTING to show him stuff." and I want to tell you that I hope you don't lose that "want to", because it makes you reach for more than what some folks can even imagine. You'll be in my thoughts.
Thankyou...
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Thankyou everyone for your kind words. They have been very helpful to me today. Its been very hard, and I imagine its going to get alot worse before it starts getting better. I wish that things were different. Someone told me today that its clear I was never happy with him and that this is the best idea. While she wasnt being supportive, I do hang on to that hope that this IS the best idea. But thats just it - what people dont understand until they deal with it is that the ADHD spouses DO make us happy in some very important ways. And when the ADHD demons are controlled - they are amazing to be with.
I could not help myself and looked up my vows to my husband for our wedding... We were supposed to each write them and give them to the minister to repeat - but he never bothered to write them down and winged it. :-( Even then it was like he could/would not take the time to do it.
Here were my vows...
"Because of you, I am able to smile again.
Because of you, I am able to dance again.
Because of you, I am able to see a future.
Because of you, I can feel happiness.
I take you as my husband, being thankful that our paths crossed again after all these years, leading me to you, my love.
I am marrying you today because I expect you to be no other than yourself. I love you for what I know of you and trust what I do not yet know. I promise to respect, honor and remain steadfast to our love.
I promise to always be open and honest with you, to allow you to know my innermost thoughts and my deepest fears because in so doing, can you truly know what is in my heart. You will see that I love you purely and completely.
From this day forward, my whole experience, everything that lives within me, I devote to you. Your love is comfort in my sadness, quietness in the chaos of the world I live in, rest in my weariness and hope in my despair.
I promise to love you on the best and worst of days, celebrating the joys of life and holding your hand through what ever sorrow and struggles life brings us. I will stand by you faithfully in all ways. I promise to never betray your trust and to always honor you as my husband.
This is my solemn vow because in you, I have found the one my soul loves."
And its come down to this.... a 20 year friend ship, a 5 year relationship and an almost 3 year marriage. I am almost 40 and starting all over again.
I'm sorry
Submitted by WornOutMB on
I'm sorry Stacey, just so sorry. I feel my 29 year marriage slipping away. I know how hard it is. I pray for comfort for you.