Hey all, hubby is in counseling, I am in counseling and last week we went to a marriage counselor. He is now on meds also. However...I have this horrible feeling in my gut that it's just too late. I just don't feel like I am in love with him anymore, and I am not one to forget past hurts very easily. I wish with all my heart and soul that I felt in love with him. I don't want to be in love with anyone else or to start over. I am just so incredibly pissed at what this has done to me and to our marriage. All the wasted years feeling like I was nuts or a bitch or expecting too much. I am filled with resentment and grief. I wish I could flip a switch and convince my heart that he is doing his best and to just love him. We had it...the relationship dream...we were the envy of other couples. And then a veil was lifted and I realized all these years most of my depression/health issues was coping with his untreated ADHD. And in a way, I wish the veil had never been lifted. I DESPERATELY want to feel in love with him again. This disorder is absolutely devasting, and people who aren't in this bubble have no clue what we are going through.
Finally getting help, but I am scared it's too late
Submitted by Vivien on 10/17/2015.
What has been going on?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
What sort of issues were you dealing with? What were some of his ADHD symptoms that hurt the marriage and your feelings for him?
Can you provide specific examples?
Believe me, I totally understand....I could write a book!! Just trying to understand where you're coming from, and how it's affected you.
pretty typical stuff.. he
Submitted by Vivien on
pretty typical stuff.. he lied about going to college classes, wasted money, never reliable, can't recall details of situations so we fight about the details, horrible gift giver, he has horrible social anxiety, generally useless around the house (I had to learn to fix everything and I take care of all repairs). I can't trust him to take our daughters to doctor appts because he never remembers what happens or what they say. It's all on me to handle the details of our lives. Nothing happens in our life without me making it happen. He doesn't initiate any cleaning, repairs, errands, etc. He has no hobbies, no friends. I feel his untreated disorder forced me to become someone I don't want to be. I am a naggy bitch now. I don't feel things are equal in any way. I have lost all respect for him. I love him as a person and want him to be happy. He is a really really nice person and a great father to our two girls and I know he loves me. But I knew 10 years ago something was wrong and BEGGED him to find the answers and told him I would do whatever I could do to help...make phone calls, find doctors, etc. He turned my offers down. I told him if he didn't fix whatever was wrong (I didn't know at the time what it was), that all the love and respect I had for him would gradually be chipped away to nothing. And that's where I am at. I dread having to spend any time with him and reject any attempts he makes at being close to me. I feel like such an awful person. I want to feel the way I felt about him 10 years ago. I am just sick to my stomach at what our relationship has become because of his untreated disorder. (thanks so much for listening...I am heartbroken)
I totally understand.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Except for the part about doctor visits with children, my H is exactly the same. I'm sure that if C Ur Self had raised his children with his second wife, he would have experienced some more of the same similar annoyances (he lost his first dear wife, the mother of his children, to cancer.)
There are few things worse than raising children while also having to deal with a full-grown adult child in the home, particularly when you can't guide, instruct, and expect some obedience like you can a real child. Instead, you're dealing with someone who believes themselves to be an "equal" to the responsible spouse, and technically they are, except that on a daily basis, they aren't showing much or any evidence that they've earned that right to be an equal. In fact, on a daily basis they tend to prove that they aren't "up to the task" of doing what responsible adults do.
Does your H work full time and earn a good income?
I completely understand the frustration that "nothing happens" if you don't initiate. If I didn't initiate, we'd never go anywhere, never go on vacation, never have friends over, etc. The only thing H initiates are things for HIM alone....golf and tennis and going to the gym. H has no "real friends". He has some people that he plays sports with, but it is shockingly sad that they aren't friends. He knows NOTHING about them. In fact, when one of them died, H didn't even know if the man was married or not, or if he had children. H knew nothing about this person who he had golfed with for 8 years! How does that happen?
I hope that you can get your H to a psychiatrist for meds for anxiety, depression and whatever else he has going on. Since it doesn't sound like he has anger issues, that is a big plus.
I am actually hopeful for you because I do thing meds and therapy will make a lot of difference because it doesn't sound like he has anger issues. IMHO, those with anger issues are almost impossible to treat.
Continue to look inward.....You will heal....
Submitted by c ur self on
It will take baby steps....What helped me was to get my focus off of her and onto me....Our spouse's aren't changing, they can seek help, they can medicate, and they can even grow aware...But, barring a miracle, our spouses are going to fight the effects of their add/adhd from now on.
What locked me into the resentment, bitterness and anger wasn't her add and her living of life....It was me wanting to change it....I still talk to myself at times,, but even that is getting better....Now that I am learning to accept her and look to love her like I promised to do....Not only am I learning to have peace again, but so is she....God is amazing!
C
That hit home...
Submitted by Vivien on
Thanks.
"What locked me into the resentment, bitterness and anger wasn't her add and her living of life....It was me wanting to change it..." Wow. Gonna let that sink in for a few days.
I feel so stuck in wanting him to be different. I want a partner who is capable, efficient, has initiative, one who accomplishes tasks and has goals they will accomplish. But he never really was that even when I was blinded by love. Mostly, he just adored me and treated me really nicely. But life happens. My parents both got really sick and died after long illnesses. I went through fertility problems and then two really rough pregnancies. It's hard being a parent without a partner who is capable and reliable. I guess after a time, I realized he is not what I need anymore. It's great to be adored and appreciated, but he has worn me out and made me feel like our family's needs, wants and goals are all on me. I tell him all the time he is a great employee, but sometimes I want him to drive the bus.
I will seriously put some thought into what you said and thank you for helping.
V
Oh Vivien--I hear you and
Submitted by dvance on
Oh Vivien--I hear you and understand. My DH and I just "celebrated" 20 years of marriage and I feel like it's been 20 years wasted. I am 45 and old and tired and done. I want nothing more than to live alone and not have to take care of another adult. Our two kids are 16 and 14 and they are more mature than their dad about many things. We get along on a day to day basis. I have NO expectations whatsoever which helps me. He probably doesn't notice but it really helps me. I "practice" being a single mom. Like I figure out how to make all the moving pieces work without him and then if he offers something that's fine but if he doesn't then I am not stressed about it. Here's an example: even when DH is home with the boys, they call me to ask what our plans are or if they can do something. They don't even bother going to him. He's a good guy, helps around the house, makes the kids lunches, does whatever I ask, doesn't undermine my discipline of the boys, etc., but there is just no spark left. We don't hold hands, we don't cuddle, forget sex-there is none--I'm not attracted to him any more. All of that good stuff he does is the result of SOOOOO much fighting and nagging that it's almost not worth it. If I had any advice to give it would be this: do things that make you happy without him. Whatever that is--work out, theater, movies, read, bake, knit--whatever it is. Do what you can to make your day and your kids day run smoothly. Expect nothing, then you won't be disappointed AND then things will get done the way you want them to in the first place. He will likely never be the kind of partner you need or that you hoped for. It's really hard to accept. I know I made a lousy choice 20 years ago and now I am paying the price. We have no savings, no college money, no nothing because DH has been unemployed so often and had so many medical issues. I figure I have until the high school freshman son goes to college and then I can leave. It's not so bad that I can't suck it up for the next three and a half years, but after that--forget it. He's like an old friend that I feel pity for but can't quite shake off. You know his intentions are good, but his actions never quite measure up.
Hope that doesn't sound too bleak--I'm not unhappy, just resigned.