Hi.
I've been living with my ADD boyfriend for 4 months. I had no idea he had ADD until he moved in - like everyone on here, it seems.
We were working towards marriage, in fact, he bought an engagement ring. But, we've been fighting so much lately, he hasn't proposed. No problem there, honestly, as I didn't want to make a commitment, after what I'd seen.
Like everyone else on here, he has an abundance of wonderful qualities. But, his bad ones, all ADD-related, have gotten to be too much to bear.
I kicked him out last night, as I had finally had enough. What tipped me over the edge was this:
He quit a job earlier this year he had been at a long time, in order to take a new one that held much promise. The new job didn't work out so well, so he walked out one day. I didn't blame him for that, but, this was soon after he moved in, and I didn't know he had ZERO savings and no way to support himself. But, love took over, and I had no problem supporting him for a few weeks until he got back on his feet. I thought he'd find something else very quickly.
What happened since is that he hasn't been very interested in finding new work. I had to do his resume. I had to look for jobs. I had to apply for them. I had to do follow-up. It was exhausting, and a huge turn-off.
When he does work, he is a great worker. Employers love him, as he works very hard, and does a great job. I was shocked at how little interest he had in finding something new.
I got him signed with a temporary agency, and he's been working there steadily. But, it pays horribly. Since he moved in, he's only contributed 50% towards his half of the bills. Which means I've been supporting him and paying his bills, and burdened with paying his debt. Paying his medical. I don't earn enough to support two people.
We had many fights over this, in fact, it got to the point where we had a huge blow-up every week or two weeks over this. It took a real chunk out of our relationship, and I found myself being less in love, less interested in a future, and progressively resentful. I simply felt used. Like, if he were single, I doubt he'd be so casual about his job search, but, since I was paying his bills, what's the rush?
He's been on about 5 interviews, all ones I set up, of course, and for whatever reason, he didn't like any of the jobs, even when they wanted to hire him.
Last week, I applied for a job for him, and the recruiter emailed him, asking to set up an interview immediately. This was on a FRI. He didn't reply until SAT, and only because I read his email, and made him do it.
He took the following MON off, and all day, I kept asking him if he heard from the recruiter. It seemed so odd to me that she wouldn't reply, considering they were very interested in him. During the week, I asked him about 5 times if he had heard from her, and each time, he told me no.
Thursday night, I stayed up late to go through his emails, and respond to job alerts, postings, etc. I sent an email to this recruiter acting as him, saying he was still interested, hadn't heard from her, etc.
Imagine my shock on FRI when I read his emails, and she responded that she had left him a voicemail on MON, never heard back, and the hiring manager is no longer interested.
I confronted him, and he said he didn't want to waste either of their time, when it wasn't a job he wasn't interested in. !!!!!
This was the final straw for me. I felt like I have to be the one to handle his job search, and when I set up interviews, he's not only blowing them off, but lying to me about it. It was a double-whammy lethal blow, in my mind and heart.
I kicked him out - told him he needed to pack some things, and get out, since now that I've caught him lying to me, I can't trust him, and won't have him in my home. He said I was blowing this out of proportion.
I canceled his credit card (it's my account) and told him he better call his parents to bail him out, as I won't be paying his bills nor housing him any longer. He truly has no money, and no friends. I have no idea where he went. but I'm sure he'll figure it out. At least he hasn't contacted me, which is a relief.
Today, I've been packing his remaining things.
Although I slept horribly last night without him, I feel so unburdened. It got to the point where he was more of a hassle than a joy.
I think you did the right
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I think you did the right thing by asking your BF to move out.
Thank you. I do, too.
Submitted by RitaMargarita on
Thank you. I do, too.
I can't help but feel used.
Was just talking to my BFF, who said that maybe this will be the final kick in the ass he needs to get his life in order.
I'd like to fantasize that one day we can reconcile, but I have no faith in him getting his act together. All I've heard for months is the empty promises. I think the ADD makes him entirely unmotivated to improve. I'd like to think he will make his life better, not for me or us, but for him. I don't see that happening, however.
Honestly, he was a wonderful boyfriend, but totally horrible marriage material. If it wasn't for the recent lying, I'd consider dating him again, but never living together nor marrying him. But, the lying makes me uninterested. Without trust, what is there?
If his parents live in the area....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Then he likely went there. Much will depend on whether they enable his laziness or not.
You are right. As long as he had you paying for most of his bills and expenses, he had no motivation to work.
Stay strong! You did the right thing!!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Good for you. Don't look back....just move on.
No, his parents
Submitted by RitaMargarita on
don't live anywhere near us. I truly have no idea where he went, but I do just hope he's safe.
I'm quite certain, however, that now that he's on his own, he'll start working pretty hard in finding a good job to pay his bills. Sad that that same passion couldn't be found when we were together...
I also find I'm pretty angry at his parents. Do any of you feel the same way? I mean, he has such severe ADD, and has since he was a kid, yet they ignored it. It would take all of spending 4 hours with him to figure out he has ADD. I can't help but be pissed at them for not fixing him when they had a chance. It's like they sent him out into the world with no skills at all, and then hoped he'd be OK. His parents are the horrible completely laissez-faire types who spend their time in denial, and telling him that life will work out. MY parents were the type who were still in my face at 40 if I did something wrong. lol
I am VERY angry at H's parents....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
I also find I'm pretty angry at his parents. Do any of you feel the same way? I mean, he has such severe ADD, and has since he was a kid, yet they ignored it. It would take all of spending 4 hours with him to figure out he has ADD. I can't help but be pissed at them for not fixing him when they had a chance. It's like they sent him out into the world with no skills at all, and then hoped he'd be OK. His parents are the horrible completely laissez-faire types who spend their time in denial, and telling him that life will work out. MY parents were the type who were still in my face at 40 if I did something wrong. lol
>>>
The negative effects of ADHD can be lessened with proper parenting. H's parents were too selfish to "be parents"....the mom was toooooooo lenient, and the dad was a rager. H was taken to a doctor and heavily medicated, but not "taught" anything.
<<<
It's like they sent him out into the world with no skills at all,
>>>
Same here. H will readily admit that his parents taught him NOTHING. And they didn't.
OK, so you make me feel a
Submitted by RitaMargarita on
OK, so you make me feel a little justified in my anger towards them. lol Also because they like to project the image like everyone is fabulous and intact, when in reality, they're all more than a little nuts. The denial and refusal to see reality is stunning. I guess I grew up differently. Truly, my parents had NO problem interjecting if I was emotionally, mentally unwell, in their opinion, or if I was screwing up my life, and needed a kick in the pants. I can't relate to his parents being so steeped in a fake world.
Agreed on the parenting!!! I have a close GF with a son who's 7, and already being treated for his ADD. She runs around getting help from the school system, state, doctors, his bio Dad...she fully gets what a struggle his life is now at 7, and can only imagine what he'll be like as a adult with no treatment or skills.
My (ex) guy has ZERO executive functioning skills. He can get himself to work and back every day, but beyond that, everything else is a moving target and variable if it can come to pass. It breaks my heart for him what his life will go back to, now that we're apart. I saw what it was like when we met - apartment and truck were total pig styes, no friends, no social life, bills not getting paid, no savings...like all of you, I tried SO hard to help him. Got him diagnosed, got him meds, but it's not enough. He needed to do work on his own, and he didn't want it enough. He bought some ADD books, never got read. I sent him links to local therapists who specialize in adult ADD, never opened or pursued.
It was like the more if I gave him space to grow, nothing got done. If I didn't nag and pressure projects or tasks, they never got done. If I handled the cooking, laundry, housecleaning in order to free up his time to focus on things he needed to do, they didn't get done.
It's been a week
Submitted by RitaMargarita on
and I haven't heard a peep from him. Not one word. I have no idea where he is, nor how he is, nor what he is doing.
He only left with a suitcase of clothes, some toiletries, and his computer. Absolutely everything else he owns is still at my house. His bed is in our guest room - I would think if he got a new apartment, he would come for his things?
It's concerning for sure.
His mail is no longer coming to the house, so clearly that's been forwarded already.
Separate from worrying about his welfare, for the most part, besides feeling badly about *how* things ended, and missing him (the good stuff, that is!), I've been OK. I found myself able to get back to ME things this week...things that took a back seat to having to manage his life for him.
I love him, but in retrospect, the ADD so killed our relationship, that I'm not sure I've been in love with him for a while. The fights took a lot out of me, and took a lot out of our love. I told him this repeatedly, but I don't think he took it seriously, nor really understood how ugly and bleak things were for me. We spent a year together, and I really thought he was the one, and we'd spend our lives together.
Today while packing more of his things, I came across "Driven to Distraction", which he bought during one of his attempts to prove to me how comited he was to us. He never even opened it. :(
Anyway, I'm lonely, but I'm not stressed. I see now how uneasy I was with him around. Although he was not a rager, and had the personality of a kitten, I had lost so much respect for him, that he became more of an annoyance, rather than a partner I looked forward to spending time with. I am going through the standard depression from a break-up, but am also seeing how depressed I was living with him.
I can't help but secretly pray this is the kick in the ass he needs to get his life in order - his rock bottom, if you will, but I somehow doubt that will happen. If he's been in touch with his parents, they will convince him this was all my fault, I'm a horrible person, and he's better off without me. But, his Mom is the type who texted me a few weeks ago to ask how one of his interviews went, as she didn't want to ask him, so he wouldn't feel "pressured". Guh. Maybe if they pressured him, rather than coddled him, they wouldn't have created a 45-year old man with the life skills of a 7-year old.
This is it....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<
that he became more of an annoyance, rather than a partner
>>>
this is how I feel.
Yes, there are times when H can be helpful, but no more helpful than an older child can be. He has no leadership skills....no one in his family had any. That wasn't apparent at first. They keep up a very good façade.....H's dad owned his own business, another brother is an atty, another brother has PhD, etc. But, once you get to know them, it's apparent that there isn't a leader in the bunch. They're all ADHD, chronically late, no vision, no foresight, no planning....they just take whatever life hits them in the face with. .
Well, I saw ex last night,
Submitted by RitaMargarita on
Well, I saw ex last night, and we had a long talk.
He is (rightfully) ashamed and blames himself for the demise of our relationship. He told me some interesting things, that I thought other non-ADD spouses would find relatable.
1- he said my enabling made him work less at things. Fancy that, all the shrinks are right! ;) As women, we're wired to nurture and help, particularly our family. So, we pick up the slack for our ADD husbands, and as it turns out, it DOES work as a de-incentive to them. He said he didn't do this intentionally, but since he figured I was willing to bear the brunt of everything, he didn't have to. THIS IS THE ADD MINDSET. They simply are not wired like the rest of us.
2 - he told me he lied, but he did it to avoid a fight. OK, I get this, I really do. But to me, this is the coping skill of a child - it's what kids do to avoid conflict and accountability. Once again confirming the unformed frontal cortex of the ADD brain. He does see now how lethal one tiny white lie can be, and how destructive to a foundation of a relationship.
The rest I found interesting and validating as it relates to our individual relationship. He told me his parents not only never got him help nor addressed his issues, they never once pushed him at all. They never questioned the low-achievements of a bright boy, they never questioned the low-functioning of a bright teen, they never questioned the issues as an adult. Their denial, IMO, contributed to his lack of responsibility as an adult. Yes, I'm still angry at them for not doing their job!!!
But, since I kicked him out, he found himself an apartment, signed a lease, forwarded his mail, took on extra shifts at work, applied to a few new positions...amazing what he IS capable of, when left to his own devices. I know I still need to work with him to clean up the finances, as there is NO WAY he can pay his bills right now, and I both don't want to get stung paying them, but also don't want to see his debt grow as he defaults.
Can't help but care, as I don't hate him, and I don't want to see his life further dissolve.
Still, I feel unburdened.
It's been a week
Submitted by macdonald on
Hello - I m brand new to this site and I word-searched "lying", and so have read your posts. First of all, let me say how sorry I am to read of your situation, but at the same time, wish I was 4 months into my marriage to an AHD man, instead of 7 years on. Your situation with your former boyfriend is identical to the one I am in with my husband (I am 59, he is 61, a 2nd marriage for me and a 3rd marriage for him). My husband basically stopped working when I inherited some money. I bought a house, and we got married and he just STOPPED being responsible. A year ago, after hundreds of terrible fights, he got diagnosed and is now on medication (Concerta) which is the reason I am writing you. Meds help, but they are not the answer to everything, the person must be motivated to change, and my husband is not and it seems he never will be. I have tried everything (I have a degree in Human Relations, an honours specialization); but it means nothing. If I don't leave him soon, he will spend ALL MY MONEY and leave me broke - it is a disaster and reading your story only makes me think you did the right thing to get him out of your life, before he destroys it. I put a lot of hope in meds., and my husband even took a cognitive behavioral program to learn skills, and then abandoned all of them within two weeks of the 16 week course being over. You express worry about your boyfriend, and I would say, don't bother - he will land on his feet. I only found out AFTER the marriage that my husband lies whenever about whatever, when he experiences pressure or stress, no matter how minor. He has squandered LOTS of money,other people's. He has many wonderful qualities as I read that many of the ADHD spouses here do, BUT, and it is a huge BUT, I never should have married him and shared life with him. He is not capable of sharing, it is like being with a small child - I am more a parent and caretaker than anything else, and soon, if he doesn't leave, I will be broke. He is FUN, oh yes, lots of fun and in many ways, he made me very happy, but it got "old", especially when he admitted that he had not paid his taxes in 5 years and and had to give his income to the government until $20,000 had been paid to them.
I don't want to bore you with my story, but to me, YOUR story reads like my story, but shorter and GOOD FOR YOU - I shudder to think you would take him back.