My husband and I are different people financially. Up until I went to university for a Master's Degree, and then got married and bought a house in a four year span, I used to be on top of my finances. Poor spending in university and then poor boundary setting with my husband and poor financial choices in the last four years have really set me back. I have good months and move many steps ahead, and I have bad months and move a step back.
Yesterday, I had a bad day at work. I have problems myself with handing multiple stimuli and stressors and yesterday, it kind of got out of hand. I was stressed out. I live in an apartment near my work three days a week to promote sleep, relaxation and less commuting. And it helps me deal with my husband. He was pretty quiet the last three days. Usually he is frantically calling me for some crisis or another, or wanting me to commiserate because someone is being an "asshole" to him or is angry at him, or maybe he wants to go on some course and he is checking in for "my permission"... But he was quiet. And when I texted him that I had a bad day, but I was trying to make it better by going to the gym and hitting the hot tub and then doing some yoga, he said, sure, I will talk to you tomorrow.
So I knew something was up. And that something, was a $8000 used snowmobile. That he bought, by maxing out his line of credit, maxing out his $2500 overdraft, and doing a cash withdrawal from his credit card.
And I cried. And I nagged. And I was an ADHD wife. And I could not, COULD NOT, be happy for him. And his @#$%&* snowmobile. And the $1300 SeaCan he wants to put in our back yard because we don't have the money saved for a garage yet.
He is 45. He has $110000 saved for retirement. He has no pension. He makes $120 to $150000 a year. He is $80000 in debt on a line of credit and has a credit card with a $25000 limit that he is always in various states of paying off. We are 3 years into our 20 year mortgage. And this kills me. It kills me. It makes me sob like a child in defeat. He is a contract worker, so the minute he is out of work, we are done. He has no disability insurance, even though I have been asking him for four years to get it. He is not saving for retirement, even though I have asked him about it and he has thought it would be a good idea.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
On another note. I read a great quote from Oprah, summarizing a Maya Angelou's advice about bad relationships. Oprah was telling her about a bad relationship she had with man who left her hanging all the time, and Maya said, Why are you blaming the man? When he shows you who he is, believe him, the first time. He knows himself better than you do, so trust him.
"When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time"
http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/when-people-show-you-who-they-are-...
My husband is who he is. I shouldn't try to change him. I should accept him or get out. I am working on accepting him. One step forward. One step back. Good, bad, ugly, bad, good. A whole shit load of grey.
Money
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
I appreciate all those numbers. And your reaction to them. Are you in a common property & common debt country or state in the U.S.? In mine, my husband's debt from before marriage does not become my debt obligation, but that snowmobile and house you have, if you bought after marrying, would be on my debt load as well as his.
Does he pay for things like that $8K snowmobile himself, or does he expect you to contribute to paying for it or that he give less to shared living?
Is your name on his credit card/s?
I hope that the two of you have separate finances. Somewhat hard to do for a married couple, but it works for some, although I don't know how the couples handle debt incurred by the other partner, in a common property state. Are you putting by for retirement?
Fortunately
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
My husband has some really great morals when it comes to divorcing/separating (he has done so three times, yes, I know, I delusionally ignored the red flags). I think we will both keep our debts (his consumer debt, my student loan) and would split our assets (a truck, a car, and a house).
I have some good boundaries when it comes to money. We keep our finances separate and contribute 50/50 to shared household finances. I used to resent it, because he makes between 20000 to 50000 dollars more a year than I do, but I make a decent amount of money, and one of my major expenses should quickly decrease (my daughter is graduating from high school and I have a certain amount of money saved for her to go to university - and she is aware she will need to come up with the rest). Also, because of his ADD he is extremely generous, so I get some pretty nice birthday presents or "I want to make you feel better" presents.
And no, he would never expect me to contribute to his snowmobiles, or his climbing gear, or his chainsaws, or the three security systems we have on our property, or really... Anything that he wants, that I don't want to pay for. My name is CERTAINLY not on his credit card. After a two years of listening him to talk about how we were going to pay our mortgage off in 10 years, not 20 while watching him eat out all three meals, buy his kids hundreds of dollars of gifts, pay his sons rent... I knew I didn't want my finances to be impacted by his poor decisions. So I have my own savings account, my own pension, my own bank account, my own credit card... Etc. Etc. Etc.
We have one shared account for savings that is in his possession. I wanted to make sure he didn't use the money in that account to buy the snowmobile, so I asked him to screenshot him the savings account. Which was good, because he hasn't been transferring the money I sent him into it. Lesson learned. I will not be sending him money anymore for savings. I will keep it in my own account.
And.... After the fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun week we are having, he turned to me tonight and goes, "I don't think the mortgage has been coming out of my account for a bit"...
Really?!? Really!?! We pay our mortgage every two weeks... It's around $1700 a month. And the last payment went through JULY 22. It's October. That means we are almost 3 months behind on our mortgage payments.
And his reply was... It is no big deal. I can come up with the $5100 on the first of November.
SOLUTION: I have my check book out and tomorrow morning, when the bank opens, I will be transferring the mortgage payments to my account. And as soon as he gets paid on the first of the month, I will be asking for his portion of the payments.
And I only played the non-ADD partner role, for a few minutes. Moving on.
I think it is more than you are seeing
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
DependentOrigination,
"And I only played the non-ADD partner role, for a few minutes. Moving on.. . . . . . . I have my check book out and tomorrow morning, when the bank opens, I will be transferring the mortgage payments to my account. And as soon as he gets paid on the first of the month, I will be asking for his portion of the payments."
What I see - - between the lines in your post - - - -is the whole Mother/Child dynamic. You are fixing the problem, and taking the responsibility for keeping it fixed.
DependentOrigination, took out her check book
DependentOrigination, will be transferring the mortgage payments to her account.
DependentOrigination, "will be asking" for his portion of the payments. . . . . as soon as he gets paid . . . . . on the first of the month.
DependentOrigination, only played the non-ADD partner role, for a few minutes. Moving on.. . . . . . .
I think, (my opinion, based on my experience, based on what I have learned) this pattern will continue. It is not about the number of zeros that follow a dollar amount, it is about the responsibility of taking care of those zeros.
And I do agree with what C posted, if you are happy, content, and at peace, then all is good.
Very truly,
Liz
Thanks Liz
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I saw your thoughts this morning. And it influenced my decision. I am grateful. You are right. It is his problem. His solution. So I will give it another try. He took $5000 in cash off his credit card and will be paying the missing mortgage payments. He will continue to have the mortgage come out of his account. I will continue to give him 50% of the money for the mortgage each month. But if it happens again, for OUR financial security, I will move the mortgage to my account, and expect him to pay half. No excuses.
I am extremely grateful for the lessons I have learned in the short few weeks I have been on this forum. I have learned some valuable things on a practical level. You guys might just well save my marriage. Because I am only dealing with ADD and a bit of sequelae of some abuse. So... We will see. Thank you for your insight. And thank you for your support. I have been very isolated the last couple of years because, really, how do you explain this to people who aren't living it.
But
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
Doesn't some part of you die a little, when you hear about how your friend's husband paid off her student loans with some money they have saved up and that they are mutually working on their finances and are achieving their goals?
Good Morning DO....
Submitted by c ur self on
(My husband is who he is. I shouldn't try to change him. I should accept him or get out. I am working on accepting him.)
Based on this comment, and all the information you listed about your financial boundaries you are doing exactly what I am doing, so I have no suggestion other than it seems that you are having a hard time ( like us all) not making him (his actions) your identity....Also I have questions for you, the one's I have to keep asking myself....Are you at Peace?? Are you being thankful?? Is there something inside you that is missing??
Have a blessed day!
C
Am I at peace?
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
Yes. And no.... So no, I guess.
I am at peace with not being in peace right NOW. Learning about ADD has been a lot to take in and a lot to adjust to. I will learn and keep learning. And peace is a process. I am just learning (with the help of all you wonderful people) to be at peace, to set boundaries, to accept things for the way they are, to focus on myself, and to lovingly detach. Deep down, I am not at peace, but I am trying (now that I am safe and have the space) to bring all those warring emotions and conflict to the surface. To take responsibility for my own actions and faults and mistakes. To own up to my own special way of coping with blaming and self righteousness.
To me, that is peace. A "normal" amount of anger. A "normal" amount of sadness. A "normal" amount of self acceptance. Whatever that really means. I (as we all have) have been through some adversity in my life. And I used to deal with it with more grace and strength than I have for the past couple of years. So I am aiming not for perfection, but for less harm, more peace, more gratitude.
Am I thankful? Yes. And no. I went through a severe depression two years ago that warped my delusionally optimistic mind into a delusionally pessimistic mind and I am hoping to come out the other side realistic.
But I am improving. I was explaining to my counsellor the other day why I thought my husband had ADD, and after telling her a particular story, she said "so he is useless". And I immediately replied, no, because he does __________ (and I listed off a huge list of things he does well). And that is way better than a year ago, when she asked me why I loved my husband, and I couldn't come up with anything.
Am I missing something? As in, am I missing something that I might have gotten with another man, maybe? I have felt differently in different relationships, felt more loved, more accepted, more willing to work through issues. But the 50% divorce rate isn't entirely due to relationships with ADD. As long as I am not cheated on, not controlled, not abused, I will probably keep this pile of problems, instead of learning to deal with a whole new pile.
Am I missing something about myself? Yes, absolutely. I make mistakes with money. I do stupid things. I find it easier to get angry at him and feel self righteous then deal with my own guilt and mistakes.
Yes. I will be at peace. I will be thankful. I am thankful. I hope I answered your questions. They could be interpreted in a lot of ways.
Lisa...
Submitted by c ur self on
What a wonderfully honest and self aware reply....I think you are definitely headed down the road to reality...This last question about something being amiss inside....Is a question I have to ask myself most days....It's not about contentment w/ my spouse or whether or not she is loving me and coming along side me in life, like I think she should...It's not about my own mistakes or things I could do better or be more disciplined at....It's deeper, it's about trusting in the person of peace and allowing him to sustain me....When my whole world seems to be shaking, if I reach out for his peace, his presents, I know I am well; and the circumstances of this life have no power over me....
Blessings Lisa
C
I don't believe in God
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
But I believe in people who believe in God. And those people make me want to go to church again, not because I believe in God, but because I believe in people who believe in God. One of my friends goes to the most spectacular church with a strong social justice focus, and I want to hang out with them, just because of their church.
I hope this evening finds you well, and that you are finding the sustenance you need. Thank you.
Many don't believe....
Submitted by c ur self on
It is just so much easier to believe in those things we see with our natural eyes, Faith in the unseen is obviously a greater work for the carnal mind...
Anyway; it's not my intention to evangelize the forum; I can only share where I have been brought to, where my peace comes from....(my sustenance is living)
Besides, it's probably not possible for me to do that anyway....The revelations I've gotten didn't come from man either....
I Love your last statement....I love the life that flows out of the innocence of my 11 month old grandson....It's an indescribable Joy!....And when I'm out in nature and survey the beauty of it all, when the beautiful Cardinal lands on a bush beside me....I find myself in awe of the God who spoke him into existence....
C
It has been a difficult week so I have a question
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
My question is:
As you got better at setting boundaries, and handing problems back to the source, was there a huge escalation in behaviours?
For example, this week alone:
Through this all, I have remained relatively calm, and handed his problems back to him as he handed them to me. The bit with the ex threw me a bit, but I said my two sentences and then returned to what I was doing. I almost died when he didn't come home last night, but, instead I called a friend and did some healthy exercise and explained to her what had been happening. She was a gem. It calmed me to the point that when he came home at 10, instead of losing it and asking him where he had been, I just finished what I was doing, had a nice bath and went to bed.
Sunday morning I came downstairs and found him looking at my iPad (which he never does, he barely notices I exist unless I am creating a crisis to regain his attention). He read this post. In its entirety. Including the bit about the amicable divorce. And it did not sit well with him.
He was angry that I would vent and said that he feels I have been deliberately turning my friends and family against him. He is convinced I am already headed out the door.
For once, instead of reassuring him and trying to make him feel better, I told him that it was not my job or my families job to make him feel better about his bad choices. If he didn't want me to vent, then perhaps he should not make bad choices. I told him it was my right to cope however I chose with the unintended consequences of his bad choices. I told him that my family had always been kind, open and welcoming to him and would remain so because of their love and respect for me, regardless of their opinions or knowledge of his bad choices. I left it at that. This was Sunday, last night he didn't come home till 10 pm, and now I am back in my apartment for a few days.
Thoughts on how I should proceed? It is my daughter's birthday and I would like him to come, but I don't want to always be the one coming to the rescue and smoothing over the difficulties in the relationship. I feel like I always intervene before he has to deal with the consequences of his choices because I want the relationship to work.
Hello... DO....
Submitted by c ur self on
Yes, setting boundaries where they are needed due to our difference's and different priorities really has helped us both....Much less conflict...But it really takes trust....I trust me spouse....I don't think I could deal or would deal w/ your situation....I'm impressed that you have been able to deal with it all...It really sounds like he is intentionally keeping another relationship going while married to you....That's a show stopper for me....
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful....
I hope you continue to focus on what is best for you, and your overall health...
Blessings
C
Sorry D.O.; let try to answer your questions more thorough....
Submitted by c ur self on
(As you got better at setting boundaries, and handing problems back to the source, was there a huge escalation in behaviors?)
Yes, for a little while at first, when enabling stops is can be shocking to a dependent spouse...(some my assume a victim mentality) but, in the long run it has forced awareness, which has brought more calm, more respect and more appreciation. But, both spouse's must be committed to the relationship...
(Thoughts on how I should proceed? It is my daughter's birthday and I would like him to come, but I don't want to always be the one coming to the rescue and smoothing over the difficulties in the relationship. I feel like I always intervene before he has to deal with the consequences of his choices because I want the relationship to work. )
If I was your husband, I would like to be invited...Just don't hinge your hopes on a person who is lying, coming in late w/ no reason forth coming etc....Just try to do what you know to do, accept the reality of what you have experienced with him....
But continue to stand your ground...There is no way you or anybody else who is in a marriage don't deserve to have a fully committed spouse...When his lady friend said that there was no way she would ever be your friend that is really all you needed to know....I would tell him if he ever see's her again go ahead and take his bags....As a matter of fact, just the fact that he has no convictions not to, is really all you need to know....You deserve better!
I hope you and your daughter have a wonderful time together celebrating her birthday:)
C
No apologies necessary
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
For both your answers. Seriously. I made a lot of mistakes at the beginning of my relationship. Four years in, I am not quitting yet. I have established my reasons for leaving... emotional or physical abuse and sexual infidelity. I agree. Everyone deserves a partner they can trust. The truth is that it is unlikely that he has cheated on me with this lady friend since our marriage started. To be honest, it was likely a lot of guilt on his part that kept his relationship going with her at the beginning and then his ADD that made him slip up at Christmas this last year and even this weekend. We will see how it goes.
I think a lot about something J said the other day (I think a lot about the things J says!) about the delay in processing. I couldn't understand his motivation for his mistakes at the beginning of our relationship, but I wonder if it was just delayed processing. So I will wait. I am not quite ready to walk away. I just believe in all the good things in my husband and now that I am not enabling him by accepting the bad things, I wonder if my new happier, calmer, less reactive self will also settle him.
I sent out a group invite for my daughters birthday and included him in the invite. He has already said he is coming (via message). I agree, I won't hang my hopes on him coming. That is why I invited my brother and sister in law as well, who are always super fun and entertaining and my daughter loves them a lot.
I agree, both spouses must be committed to the relationship. My psychologist has met my husband, and while she originally told me that I should be realistic and that I tolerated more than anyone would have, she then keeps telling me that he is solid, and will stick around. I don't want to abandon my marriage vows quickly. Marriage is the long game, and while I have suffered, I am learning to suffer less and be happier.
Anyhow, my family is on board, his mother is on board, my friends are now on board that if he pushes too far, I will walk away. And I am grateful, that the things I have learned on this forum will let me leave with grace and with my health intact.
I am aware now that it is impossible to stop someone from hurting themselves or hurting other people if they are hell bent on destruction. I recognize that I have an obligation to be compassionate, but no obligation to be collateral damage.
I sincerely respect your approach to your wife and the comments you post on this forum. Thank you for your thoughts. I hope this whirlwind of misbehaviour is at an end, but I will keep in mind your reminder to accept the reality of what I have experienced in the past.
Great!
Submitted by c ur self on
You seem to be looking at the situation realistically, and also with a lot of Grace....which we all need....Like I said earlier, I'm impressed in w/ your resolve...I wish only the best for you!
C
There are many things that
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
There are many things that jumped out at me when I read your post....
If 3 months' worth of payments haven't been coming out of the bank acct for 3 months, then WHERE IS THAT MONEY?
This reminds me of my assistant. She told me that she hadn't paid her student loan for 6 months because the address had changed and she didn't know what the new address was. Her monthly payment is about $250. So, I asked: "where is that money?" She looked at me like I had two heads. I said, "you were supposed to pay $250 a month for the past 6 months. That is $1500. If you didn't know where to send it, then THAT money should still be sitting in your acct. Where is the money?"
I explained to her that one of my auto-payments had stopped for some unknown reason and I noticed it because there was more money in my acct then there should be, so I immediately corrected that. The money was THERE, in my account.
Well, of course my assistant didn't have those 6 back-payments in her account. The truth was she didn't want to find out where to send the money because she rather spent the money on something else.
So, the same question applies to your H. Where is that money? We're not talking about overlooking a $50 monthly bill that could easily be lost in the shuffle. We're talking about $1700 a month.
Another concern is that you have a pension and your husband does not. If you stay together, then your pension will likely barely or not cover both of you. If you divorce a few years from now, even though your husband may not WANT to screw you over, an attorney may really press him to go after some of your pension simply because he'll be too old to accumulate one for himself.
I've seen too many divorces where one spouse is CERTAIN that their soon-to-be-ex would NEVER do (fill in the blank). But, then suddenly the ex spouse is demanding that debts be split or pensions be split or something else unfavorable.
That money has been spent...
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
No doubt about it. It was spent. On ropes and food and alcohol and on gear and his kids and conferences and "things" and "stuff".
I would notice the minute, THE MINUTE, a payment didn't go through, because I am trying so hard to get ahead financially, on my own. Every penny is accounted for. But let's face it. He has ADD. Finances and day to day detail aren't really ever going to be his thing.
So, what to do about that? Accept it? Adapt to it? Strategize? Or just let him make his mistakes and deal with his consequences... which will partially affect me. My pension is currently about $3000 a month. Pretty good, if our house is paid off. But certainly, it will not be enough to support his spending habits. And yes, to whoever asked, I am also putting money away.
I am sure our divorce, if it is to happen, will be amicable. Because that is my choice. Yes, I need to look after myself and look at divorce law in my province. After seeing his last separation up close (waaaaaaaay too close for comfort) I think he won't intentionally screw me over. Besides, with social media and me playing the single mother card, I think I have it in the bag. Maybe I am blind. Maybe I should look at my options. I don't know. I really don't know. I have been so protected from the darker side of life. That is why this relationship blindsided me. Welcome to the real world. I trust my instincts though... They told me to put the brakes on, and I ignored them. Never again.
C ...... Existance?
Submitted by kellyj on
Interesting....as I just read what D.O. said about her beliefs...and then you here saying....you don't want to evangelize and saying many don't believe? Something struck me in how the wording came through to me.....and hearing it from my perspective?
"A whole shit load of grey" ??? "The Good, The Bad and the Ugly" From one of my favorite movie producers and directors of all time....Serio Leone.....the "Man with No Name? " The ambiguous line between good and evil and all that goes on in between all rolled into ONE....or the "Anit-Hero"?
What is "GOD" anyway? Is he a he....of is it and it? Or is it just a "belief" in a "construct"....trying to describe something "real "? Is that just semantics? Or is it our "inability to know what that is....but trying to describe something real and trying to put it into context of what is "real"...as in our reality and for us? Both...as a person...and for society at large ie: "organized religion" and all that goes with it?
My take on this? The answer is "YES". Check......all the above. The proof of my personal belief? We exist. I exist and therefore....( ? ) exists?
I don't need to have any magic or "miracle" performed to prove this to me. I look down and see a blade of grass....and that's a Freaking "Miracle"....all by itself? The fact that we "are"...in itself.....is a freaking "miracle".....who needs any more "proof" than that?
In my post entitled "The Long Strange Trip". I already went through my "accidental"....huge dose of LSD that one time without getting all the way back into all the details.......something happened that day, that changed my life forever from that moment moving forward. The "ALL ONE" experience or "Satori" in Buddhist teachings as being the goal of becoming "enlightened." This was a total accident on my part...so I kind of cheated you might say. LOL I didn't take a lifetime of mental preparation and disciplining myself to get there like so many who have gone before me. I took all of 5 minutes to impulsively downed a vile full of water that had the remnants of a particular molecule in it...that caused me to have a very pronounced chain reaction in my head! lol A BIG ONE....you might say!! LOL
Without getting into this any further....the results of that ended up with me having an expereince of seeing an alternative to the reality that we know for just long enough...to prove to me that something else exists. I became "aware" of a "presence" ...and in the "psyical" but connected to something...."not in the physical".....or in other words....."a real connection to something outside of myself that is "real".....which created an "awakening" or a "realization"....that God does truly exist. As I describe it....."I was so sure of it....it was like placing my hand on a "white hot" burning stove and feeling getting your hand singed off.....that's how real and that how sure I am" that GOD exists...or what ever word you want to describe it. I don't have to believe.....I "KNOW" !! LOL
And the thing is....I don't have to get anyone to believe me? It doesn't change the fact of what I already know for sure and I don't have to have faith or a belief system to "guide me there". I was "there" already (even for just a brief time)...to know. And that's all I need to know? I'm that sure of it?
The "crazy part" of this.....is that this was not one of the many hallucinations I was having at the time! lol Nor was it anything that I was searching for or trying to make happen? The interesting part and the most "proving thing" for me? Was in the story itself and how it happened? In the most unlikely of places....at the most unlikely of times....in one of the most "unlikely" of all situations in all accounts....plus, my own inability to prove it to anyone because of it? The fact.....that I took LSD alone....would make anyone ( including me!!! lol )...go "yeah...what ever" LOL. So I won't spend any time here of with anyone...trying to convince them because of all things.....everything within the story itself....is "unlikely"!!! LOL "Unlikely"..... being the operant word here. lol
But just because something is "unlikely"....doesn't mean it didn't happen but like I said....only I need to know....that's all I ever needed to know anyway and I don't care if no one believe me....because it's irrelevant to what happened?
What didn't happen I can tell you....was hearing "voices", seeing "things" or that it was anything I could even describe...put into "tangible context" to make anyone else understand? BINGO!! That's almost the MOST.....proving thing for me personally. It's was like a "gift"...that only I could see and no one else because you can't see it...because it's invisible? No one has seen it ever including me....it comes from and "experience" and a "feeling" or sensation as in the "presence" and a "consciousness" or "awareness" or being "touched" by something other than myself that's not real....in the reality that we know in our everyday lives. Me Too by the way...that only happened "once" but it continued in my conscious awareness....until this present day moving forward from that ONE moment in time. But saying...it is a "connection" of yourself...to everything and everybody else. Everything everywhere...all at the same time. And no one can take that from you...because it's an "experience"...that's all I can say?
But what I do remember in that monumental moment when that happened....what I was thinking about and how that came about. I was looking down at the grass..and looking at the blades of grass and thinking exactly what I said here....as I thought in that moment..."wow...that iny blade of grass is a miracle of nature just the fact that it exists and is alive and growing....is a freaking miracle!!
And the thing is....I don't need to prove this to anyone and I really don't care if anyone believes me? What I just said is what triggered this change reaction...within the change reaction already taking place in this alternative reality I had found myself in exactly as I just described it?
"Unlikely?" Yes....I would have to agree...which is why....I don't spend any time telling this story normally....because it's likely...that no one will believe me!!! LOL But that doesn't take away for the fact that it happened?
Beliefs, faith and believing things...is all in our heads anyway? And they can be changed.....under the right circumstances? At the time that happened to me.....I didn't even believe in GOD since I had thrown all of religion and beliefs systems...totally out the window and was "Agnostic"...at best? Saying....despite, being force fed Christianity....up to my eye balls!!! LOL
So to say I'm agnostic isn't accurate? And to say I am a "believer" ie: Christianity" is in part true and in part...not true? And to say I have a "faith or belief system" is not true either? And on and on it goes....trying to describe...what I already "know" but can't describe it?
All I know...is when that happened to me...."God" as in what we are taught...was not there. Neither was Jesus...neither was anyone tangible or "real". No one was there excepts me ( and about 50,000 other people give or take? LOL ) In the most unlikely of place, and in the most unlikely of times, in one of the most bizarre and unusually incredible and totally "unbelievable" and "unlikely" of circumstance ONE could possibly imagine? It was so "incredibly unbelievable" and "unrealistic"...that I wouldn't expect...anyone to believe me ever since....I would probably not believe it myself....if it had no happened to me?
What I do know is this much from that day in on ongoing basis however? What is unseen...and therefore "unprovable"...is not "Black and White". It's neither "GOD"....or not "GOD.....believe or not believe.....GOOD or BAD.....or even that shit load of grey in between?
God is everything including us? We are ALL GOD and the DEVIL......all rolled into ONE. The ALL ONE experience...that's my way to describe it.
As I'm seeing it....God....is like the man with "NO Name"...so I don't care what you call it? Makes no difference to me? LOL But "IT" does exist as well as I do...and that's all I need to know? The "Trinity" or in numerology......the number 3. Father son, and holy ghost....or....."mind, body and spirit"....take your pick...it's all the same to me because it's the connection to these 3 things that really matter in real world...the one where we live everyday in reality?
Ambiguous? I'll say!!! lol
It just doesn't get any better than this in the world of film making IMHO. "The Man with No Name" Gotta Love Sergio Leone...he's the "Man" LOL A whole "shit load of Grey". ( grey matter?? lol ) I love that one by the way :)
"You dig?" lol
https://youtu.be/XP9cfQx2OZY
5000 dollar motorcycle
Submitted by angrywife on
I am having a hard time. My husband just bought another motorcycle again...after promising he wouldn't do it again x5. I obviously have a lot of built up anger and resentment, confusion and a lot of wtf. I threatened divorce after the last lie and the one before that. I am fed up with the broken promises, lies, hiding stuff. Manipulating me. Even getting his family members involved to come see his new motorcycle so I cant come unglued with rage...or face the consequences of looking like a tyrannical psycho. Then does it again....with a new more expensive motorcycle. I explained, I cried, said how my feelings were hurt and I had lost trust due to the broken record. Meant nothing. I was thinking should I make him sell this motorcycle? Divorce? Stay together agree to marriage counseling. He threw I gigantic entitled tantrum. Refused to under stand my hurt by his lies, as he had agreed to not buy any more motorcycles....he had two he doesn't even ride at all...he agreed to sell the two he had and keep the one and go to counseling with me.
We got to counseling. I explain a lot of things. Counselor says oh that sounds like adhd. Ok...well oh boy did I suddenly learn a lot about adhd! It explained a lot. Even after being in counseling he cant recognize his adhd. Says he will get treatment. Ends up being another bunch of doo doo that he doesn't act on and throws to the wayside.
Incoming he did it again. Sells this motorcycle he wanted so bad that he didn't care if I divorced him over. This is the manipulative part! He purposely tried to butter me up by buying me something for a hobby I like to do. I asked can we afford this gift for me? He said oh yes no worries. Then drops the bomb on me he sold the motorcycle 2 days later. Because he had to pay for a bill he didn't expect... I was like I asked you? If we could afford this. You could have discussed with me what was going on? We could have sold something else to pay the bill. Not the divorce motorcycle. Cause we had agreed that was the last end all dream cycle. Now he wants to do the whole buying selling cycle again. It is the lack of communication, lies, hiding things, and childish spoiled brat entitlement that eats me to my core. He says he couldn't enjoy that motorcycle because it just reminded him of my anger... and selling it to buy a cheaper one is going to be any different?
In marriage I see two people making smart financial decisions together.
I am not good at managing my anger and patience. Can say I am a pro at setting him off into an entitled defensive rage. I just found out what adhd was 2months ago. I am in the process of learning. I have one foot in wanting a divorce and one on trying to make it work. I put 19 exhausting years into this man. This is just one of the volatile adhd things I have had to deal with. Being told I am crazy. I am not it is his defense adhd and misplaced ego. He is very unmedicated nor has any tools to self regulate. At this point I am concerned about his credit cards and what is going on. Is he paying them? Idk.
How would some of you experienced people deal with this?
Why stay?
Submitted by adhd32 on
What is keeping you in this misery? He has shown you who he is. Believe what you see not what he says.
Agree with adhd32
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This does not sound like a person who wants to change. He's got everything just the way he wants it. I'm not an expert but I'd also suggest there might be a lot more going on than ADHD. Buttering you up with a premeditated purchase before spending a huge chunk of cash on himself takes some foresight and it's outright manipulation, no two ways about it. My ADHD husband was more in the "clueless" category about what was going on, which is one thing... But your guy appears to be intentional about creating chaos. Look up triangulation if he often brings in others to control your reaction.
Maybe time to make good on a consequence. He may not believe you'll really leave if you threaten it often but never walk.
I'm sorry for what you're going through.
a lot more
Submitted by angrywife on
I do agree with you there may be more going on as I have highly considered NPD. I wouldn't be surprised if he has both.
what is keeping you
Submitted by angrywife on
I have built a life with him. There are really good times and there are really bad!! times. I do love my husband. Even if i finally do leave I will still love him. I am really praying that getting him tested and on some medication and therapy will make things at least 20% better.
I respect your choice
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
You cannot change another person. The only thing you can change is yourself.
It's a strange sort of narcissism to want someone else to change to make yourself happier. It took me a long time to see that.
I left my husband to be at peace with the life that made him happy. We are both happier for it. Well. I am. I have no idea what he thinks about things.
He still reaches out occasionally but he is reaching out into a void and he won't ever get a response.
Does HE want mediation and therapy?
Submitted by adhd32 on
He has to want change and based on you account he is very happy living without any boundaries. You cannot make him change. Establish some boundaries and stick to them. You will see his commitment to the relationship when you state your limits and he suffers the consequences of his actions. He might not like your change in behavior based on his conduct but you need to establish boundaries.
You leave
Submitted by DependentOrigination on
I have not been on this forum for a very long time but your comment under my old post brought me back.
It is not going to get better. So unless you learn to accept what is, then you should leave.
I kept hoping for change. It did not happen, in fact, it became worse. From lies, financial disasters, unreliability, to full on infidelity.
I left in May of 2018. The separation and divorce were horrific. It took till late 2020 to feel calm and in control. I am now dating a very nice man for the last year who is calm, happy, healthy, mentally and financially stable and consistently improves my life instead of detracting from it.
There were some very dark days and I still have some hard moments but I have no stories like yours to tell, no one gaslights me or controls or manipulated me. No one lies or hides anything.
I have peace. I am sane. I feel stable. Life is not perfect but I am not on a forum looking for validation and understanding.
Give yourself the gift of valuing yourself. You are not crazy. You are being controlled. There is better out there. Even if it is painful for a couple of years it is better than being in pain for your entire life.
You got this. Peace to you and be exceptionally kind to yourself.
Thank you for this
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I want to hug you for leaving this post here. For everyone going through the worst, this is such a real-life look at the potential future version of yourself if you have the courage to leave.