Today my world fell apart! My ADHD husband has basically lost everything we own and most likely have to declare bankruptcy. He has been lying about his business and our own personal finances and has dug himself and our family into a black hole.
At 55 years I will have nothing. I was stupid enough to leave the finances to him as he always moved things around and knew what money was coming in based on the business. He never paid himself a weekly salary.
I have forgiven his past white lies about money hoping things would improve ( he always said he had it handled). He has had past failures and big wins in business - he's a big risk taker and fails to understand the impact his decisions and actions have on me and the family. This is when the lie occurs. If I'd question a decision he would weave a story to make it sound so good.
He has spent years in therapy for ADHD, depression etc. and is on meds but ultimately his behaviour has damaged all his relationships and our marriage. I have no trust in him and don't know if we can survive this as a family and move forward together.
ADHD is a huge impact on his behavior but I don't know how much more I can take. I worry for his mental health if I walk as I manage the day to day of his life (constantly reminding him to do things, keeping the house in some sort of order, reminding him of appointments etc) and creating a form of stability.
My question is, will it ever change? Or is this life with someone with ADHD? I also have a son who is exactly the same... I'm exhausted.
U might have put your post in summary
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Hey I noticed there wasn't anything here - you might have put your post in summary by accident. I do it all the time!
Thanks
Submitted by overwhelmed8 on
Thanks for letting me know
I’m so sorry to hear it
Submitted by Swedish coast on
It's easy to see you don't trust him anymore. When trust is gone, there really isn't much left in a marriage, whether there's money or not.
I've lost trust too and had to leave. In our case ADHD marriage sure was an unchanging road downward towards disaster. Nothing either of us did helped. And I could blame myself for enabling my ex to rest while I overfunctioned, but what choice was there? He didn't do things because I needed him to, but only if they fitted into his narrow field of confidence. And like you I felt responsible for the family.
I don't know if you work outside of the home, but it is a big comfort to earn a salary of one's own.
When it comes to his mental health, I'd say it's not your responsibility to be his caregiver or make him function. It's a crass statement, but there it is. Perhaps he can regain lost money later, but he hasn't shown that he takes your well being into account. Do you want to trust him with it in the future? Only you will know.
I feel the deepest sympathy for you. This must be terrible.
Resurfaced memories
Submitted by adhd32 on
Wow this brought back some terrible memories. I too trusted my ADHD H to manage the finances. He read the financial section of noteworthy financial newspapers everyday (before the internet) and seemed to understand things. I was not financially savvy regarding investing and funds etc. Admittedly I should have been more involved or at the very least educated to our finances. We made enough to pay the bills and saved what we could which wasn't much. Tax refunds went to a home repair and improvement every year. My FIL passed and left H some money which we earmarked for the kids' college fund. One day H approached me and said something bad happened to the money. It was gone. Without telling me H decided to move the money from a secure account to an equity fund he claimed he was watching. The fund was making unbelievable returns (red flag which he ignored because he is greedy) and he put all the inherited money in to the company's fund. The problem was that it was a scam similar to Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme. He claims he did receive statements claiming generous returns for a while but in the end without new money coming into the pyramid the whole thing collapsed.and so did our kids' college fund. H knew I would have never approved of this investment so he waited until the last second to tell me the money was gone. He was filing some paperwork close to the deadline to join a lawsuit to reclaim what he could and needed me to sign the papers in front of a notary. He admitted that he never kept up with this or any of the other smaller investments we had. Burnt once was enough for me and I contacted a financial advisor for advice to protect whatever little else we had. This caused a huge RSD episode (I know this now, i didn't know he had ADHD at the time). I told him he was free to leave but I would hold him accountable for going behind my back because deep down he knew I would not have agreed. Unbelievably, a few months later he came to me with another get rich quick scheme regarding gas drilling that someone contacted him about by phone. How does an ADHD person not learn from the past? I guess because it didn't affect him directly. I got the reward of having to change jobs and take a stressful higher paying full time job to earn the tuition money and build up a college fund again while he complained that I was so stressed and busy all the time. As expected he turned it around and it was all my fault because (insert excuse here). We have a financial advisor now and I will never trust H to have my best interests in mind again.
Never use feelings as it relates to lived out reality....
Submitted by c ur self on
Love and trust have nothing to do with each other....We have to trust, that the actions of a person (us, them, anybody) will be the same today, as it was yesterday, and manage our lives accordingly, no matter what that entails...Some minds do not think through things, (risk takers) always looking for the golden goose...If you aren't one of those (like I am not) either, then you will need to manage YOUR life, funds, etc...w/ security in mind, and and the things that seem wise to you...I'm so sorry at age 55 you have suffered through these things....Thankfully we never shared finance's....
c
Love requires trust if you depend on your spouse
Submitted by Swedish coast on
C, I'm surprised you think trust and love have nothing to do with each other. I'd say they're inseparable as long as we're in some way dependent on our spouse. Isn't it a rare exception not to be?
I've been the main provider as well as the (reluctant) alone leader of the family and the primary doer of unpaid work. Still I've been terribly dependent throughout our marriage. Emotionally, socially, physically. For the children. In every aspect that means something. And it's been impossible to ignore the signs of increasing ADD dysfunction. Dysfunction has eaten at my life and health and made me fear for safety. Trust, at least of good intentions, has been everything. With no trust, there could ultimately be no love.
I agree
Submitted by sickandtired on
I could never love anyone I didn't trust. Love and trust are intertwined, and both are necessary for a good relationship. When I lost trust in my ex husband and my ex boyfriend, that's when my love died in both of those relationships. If you don't have trust in a relationship it's more like being with an adversary. You have to keep you guard up constantly in an effort to prevent them from hurting you. That's no way to live, especially if the other person doesn't care about your needs or your feelings.
He will cope
Submitted by nefun76 on
Pls don't ever feel an ADD ofr ADHD person's co-dependency is an absolute. It is not. It's convenient for a lot of them as they will use your personal strength to thrive . Once it's no longer available, they are capable of channeling all their energy to meet their own needs in their own way.
My ex-husband used me to further his entire life all while along he was living a lie and having affairs . He is now on with his cheating partner who clearly doesn't play the co- dependency role I did . He is doing all the chores he never lifted a finger to do when we were married .
Pls priotize you!