After a mutual agreement in May 2022 that my husband would no longer take household funds to support his business, he told me yesterday that he needs another $10,000 due to unforeseen circumstances. I said "no" and chaos ensued. I asked why he thought it was appropriate to take household funds despite our previous agreement -- he insists that since it is unforeseen circumstances that he should not have to beg for money that is "his" and that I should see his point and agree.
I am at a breaking point. I am 2 years away from retirement and am afraid this will continue until there is nothing left. I am very frugal and budget conscious. Husband was to have made a business budget and reviewed it with me by July 31, but once again has not even made any mention of it.
He has agreed to see a counselor again before opting for divorce. When I asked if he was looking for counselor with experience with ADD, he insisted that doctor who had previously diagnosed him was a quack, but he did come up with a list to review and even called someone and left message for an appointment. At that time, he took medication for a time, did not appear to help, so was discontinued; he now insists he never took medication.
I have removed him from our joint savings after I transferred funds for his business; I feel as if I have just given in to his bullying. While he is the most generous person I know, his business clients come first and I feel as if I am left to keep the household going while his business is in the red more often due to his consistent overspending.
Where do I go from here? Do not want to divorce after 40 years, but feel he has no interest in being accountable for his actions. By end of year, he will come into a large estate from death of both of his parents, and I am afraid that rather than a secure financial future that it will be frittered away by his lack of planning.
How do I deal with problems when his response is "I do not recall saying or agreeing to that" or his convoluted justification for anything that he feels is necessary?
You need boundaries
Submitted by adhd32 on
If his business is failing and he can't make the bills, he needs to figure out why. Maybe he isn't a good businessman, maybe someone is misusing the business funds, maybe it's a failing endeavor. Propping up his business is not a household expense, nor is it you responsibility to ruin your retirement to save his butt. I would record conversations so they cannot be denied and replayed as proof of agreement. Why throw your hard earned money at a problem he created? Ask him what would he do if you didn't have money and he had to find a solution on his own. Tell him to do that next time he runs low.
P.s. I too am married 40 years w typical ADHD vs non issues. Didn't know what we were up against until year 34. Lots of regrets, many broken relationships with friends and family due to his behavior and lack of self control, really it's just a life full of disappointment. Yes, one can make a life outside of marriage with friends and activities for themselves but there is still the hurricane always sitting on his phone dreaming up some disastrous scheme.
Boundaries are good!
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
You are correct. I told him this morning that I will never agree for personal funds to go the business in future. I even asked how best for him to remember this - will now give him a typed dated note as to mutual agreement. Whether or not he will recognize this in future, who knows. He is VERY good at justifying anything he wants. He has never been able to create a business budget - most years he spends much more than he earns, and most of the time has failed to even contribute the the household expenses. I feel stupid that I have tolerated this for so very long.
Interesting how when I spoke to him this morning in a respectful and courteous manner, indicating what I did and did not want, his first reaction is to acuse me of arguing with him. I now see that this is the typical reaction to something the person does not wish to handle in an adult fashion. Very sad.
Get input from a professional
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Hi - you should get input from a lawyer who can provide you with what your options are to protect your financial health. Your husband has a track record of overspending, it seems, and not 'seeing things coming' which could be directly attributable to his 'now/not now' ADHD brain (or could be something else). In any event, just because he has a tantrum when you tell him you don't wish to pay any additional money for his investments doesn't mean you should cave. Get a good feel for your options, and determine what to do from there. This is important stuff and could quite literally impact the remainder of your life.
Appreciate the advice
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Thank you so much for the advice. I have been feeling as if "I" am the problem each time there is a conflict due to his reaction. I am seeking individual counseling, and also legal advice.
Husband did tell me he was shocked when I said "no" to him initially. I do believe he just sees things from one direction (HIS) and is amazed there is any other way to view situations.
Resent having to seek legal advice
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
It appears to be difficult to obtain legal advice on how to protect "my" financial future from my husband's business while remaining married. Most advice is for those who are planning to divorce, and I'd rather not do that! Also, I resent even having to go this route (find it very stressful) -- shouldn't a life partner be one who always has your best interests in mind? We were watching tv the other day and husband mentioned a certain situation was sad -- it was very close to our own situation. I found it interesting that he could discern that issue, but appears to be unable to see what he does to our relationship with his consistently inconsistent behavior. I gently tried to talk about it but, as usual, he claimed he was unable to do so and would talk to me later. Unfortunately, "later" just never occurs in his timeline.
Is this the only option?
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Boundaries
Submitted by adhd32 on
Your expectation for him to change is not realistic. Protect your assets and stop giving him money. You should be critical of the way he mishandled his business and you should insist on an accounting of where the money went that you already gave him. Don't stay silent just to avoid a confrontation you are entitled to full disclosure. Tell him if he is unwilling to be accountable to you for the money there will never ever be another dime spent to shore up his failing endeavor. The problem is you have made the loans/gifts without requiring him to be transparent so that is what he is expecting. You do not have a life partner who has your best interests at heart. You know he only cares about his failing business. There is no fairytale ending. You cannot make him change, therefore you must decide if this arrangement is working for you, it is certainly working for him.
Appreciate the comments
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I do appreciate your comments. I have asked for accountability in the past, but he has never been able to follow through with it (due to distraction by other priorities according to him). I will not agree again to household funds being used for business. You are correct in that this situation IS working for him. I just feel heartsick that he is unable to see the hurt he has caused by his inability to see my anxiety. I realize I have had a part in this relationship, but just feel as if he is not even willing to give his best to make it better. Just too sad for words.
Hugs for you, Neuchatel
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I'm so sorry. I think that it is the worst part. I had a hard time wrapping my mind around how little my ADHD husband was willing to do to improve things. When I realized that he didn't even understand the concept of empathy, it was tough. What I was doing and going through didn't register for him. It was an annoyance at best. Give yourself the time and love to come to terms with this. It really messes with your mind. Hugs.
Your words help
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Thank you for your kind words. It does help to know that other people have experienced the same issues. It is very difficult to mourn the loss of a relationship when you are still in the midst of it. I told him the other night that I really did want to do all possible to make things better between us. I feel as if he is unable to see my pain and anxiety at this point since he is overwhelmed by other issues in his life. I am not certain how exactly to come to terms with this, but will keep trying to do so.
I am sorry that you are going
Submitted by po1027 on
I am sorry that you are going through this, but kudos to you for hanging in there for 40 years. I am in a similiar experience although we are only together for five years. I have this weird dynamic in my head that I am already separating our things but then planning on a vacation together. I am very confused and like you do not want t end up poor and in debt in my retirement. I am having to go back to work full time at 63 because of my ADD husband.
Too similar
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Sorry to hear you are experiencing this situation as well. Sometimes I feel as if I am the problem as all is well as long as I do not bring up things he does not do. I have been dealing with some health issues and caring for very elderly mother so have let much go by the wayside. Some days it just seems I am trying to hang on. I really do not know what the solution is. It is difficult to reason with someone who insists they are committed to making changes, but then never do so.
Same solution
Submitted by adhd32 on
Boundaries or divorce. You cannot change anyone else.
From my experience all the suggested behavior (soft openings, quiet room, etc) don't work and things quickly spin out of control with overtaking and trampling of my opposing views. You have to decide to not allow yourself to be a victim of his actions and set boundaries or quietly work behind the scenes gathering information for your divorce. He has shown you he he will not change.