Married for 42 years to spouse who does not think he has ADHD despite all signs of same. Over the past 3 years, I have considered leaving, but I actually do love him so have tried to figure out a way to make things work. I now realize his business (self employed) has not been profitable for past 5 years, and am concerned he will be using our retirement funds to continue to support his business in future (he made other funds available to his business in 2023 to do so). He is supposed to have a "business plan" to discuss with me on July 10, but I have no confidence it will be anything but him telling me this is the way it is when you own your own business, and he has no choice but to continue as usual.
How do I determine if I am being unfair to want a stable retirement income (I am still working), but still be supportive to spouse? I am going back to therapist this week. She has told me before that I must ensure my own financial safety, but how to do it when spouse sees no problem in spending to meet what he feels is appropriate without a word to partner? We have previously had mutual agreements, but those go by the wayside when he wants something, or he forgets to inform me.
I have funds set aside to ensure my own retirement, but if he spends all "his" money, I am unable to pay for him too. I feel stuck and very anxious.
You don't have boundaries
Submitted by adhd32 on
Hard and fast rules are needed if you really want change and aren't afraid to put your foot down. If you are hesitating because you are afraid this action will end your relationship consider that he is manipulating you now and not acting in YOUR best interest. If you do nothing you will get the same from him. In order for a change to occur, something must change. That change must come from you. To answer how you secure your own future, you tell him no more money. No discussion. You know it is not unfair to want to have a stable retirement plan,. As a business man, why doesn't he?? If he had a plan you wouldn't be waiting until July 10, he would already know his financing. So really, the ball is in your court, you determine what happens next. It's hard to stand up to a spouse of 42 years (me too) and change things they have come to expect. He will get angry and this may end your marriage but do you want to give up your golden years because you were unwilling to make him responsible for his own choices?
Boundaries are lacking
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I realize I do need boundaries. They have been attempted previously, but when it comes down to it, he always justifies what HE wants without regard for any prior mutual agreements. It is difficult to make a stand even though I am confident. When he gets angry, he loses all reason, everything is black and white, and I am told I am the issue since I do not believe he will change. Another good discussion point for my therapy appointment tomorrow.
You've been more than fair
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"How do I determine if I am being unfair to want a stable retirement income ..."
I know you're really close to this situation, but to an outsider, it's extraordinarily clear that you're not being unfair. A business that hasn't been profitable for 5 years? That's an instant no-go - especially when you're nearing retirement. There is no more discussion. There are other ways to make money and it's time for him to shut this down and get a job that brings in predictable earnings to fund your shared retirement. His desire to run this unprofitable business at any cost should not continue to trump your desire to have a timely and stable retirement together.
Thanks for the validation
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I do appreciate your comments. This has been going on for SO long that sometimes I feel as if I am the entire problem. I have always handled the household finances since he bounced checks in the first few months of our marriage (when I had never bounced a check before). As long as I do not question him, all is just fine between us. It is only when I ask about his business and profitability that all falls apart. He told me the other day that "profit" is not his goal with his business - once again I am convinced that he sees his client's welfare above the welfare of HIS family (us). At this point, it makes me very sad that I matter so very little despite what he "says" (not what he "does").
I do not know if it is possible to stay married someone who will use his retirement funds to fund his business. I can support myself in retirement, but am unable to support him as well with my earnings/savings. He has always made much more money than me, so I feel taken advantage of in that he does not even consider what his actions are doing to OUR future.
This hits me so hard. Our
Submitted by Haveaniceday on
This hits me so hard. Our marriage has been a series of starts and stops financially because my husband has chose to work in his passion, which is neither financially great nor gives much time for us as a family. I think that working with one's gift and passion is amazing, often think that this capitalistic society can really kill people's souls, but also think that sometimes one just has to grow up and do what is necessary. My husband literally wont change what he does (he has major self-limiting beliefs, and has been resisting my suggestions for 20 years, furthermore our situation is not the easiest since we don't live in our home country and there is a language barrier - but I know of many who've overcome this), and doesn't ever think further than the end of the month re money - we've had soooo many fights about finances. I've taken all the planning, budgeting responsibility until just 6 months ago when I gave him an ultimatum. I feel so bad when I'm hard on him though, because I do think we are meant to use our gifts and I want to support him (always have) in his choice of work, but at such huge cost and risk to myself and the family. It actually feels selfish to me sometimes, but then I feel bad because he isn't a self-centred person to be honest. Sometimes I sound like all i care about is money, and that is absolutely not true. I just want some security and the feeling that everything I have sacrificed has not been for nothing.
Hello Neuchatel81...
Submitted by c ur self on
Your husband's story is quiet common for many ADHD men (and women)...Refuses to take jobs working for others...Excuse's certain family responsibilities...Self Centered as it relates to what is good for them...It's obvious from your words here, that you have been a wonderful wife...This dynamic you are in with him, has been written here by other wives many times over the past 12 years that I've read and posted here....I want attempt to tell you what you should do, although I will say you got some wonderful advice from the ladies that responded...
My ADD wife and I have never shared accounts or finances....That is just one huge problem we avoided...Many of us have spouses we love dearly....But in the same breathe know we can't trust them (in many area's of life) as far as we can throw them....Love and trust should never be confused....
I will pray for you!
c
Very true!
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Thank you for your words. I did speak to my husband yesterday about our retirement funds and his lack of business profit over the last 4 years. Despite my best efforts, he acts as if I am not making sense when I speak to him, but it seems as if he tries to make every conversation more complicated than it needs to be. I actually wrote down something I asked him for, and he told me I asked him for something totally different; when I gave him the note and showed him what was requested, he insisted he thought I had asked for something else -- this occurs constantly and is a challenge everyday! I did say some things that gave him pause (his attempt to protect me from stress and worry only causes MORE stress and worry) so I am uncertain if anything wil change in future. I know that I will not allow my future retirement to be jettisoned by his ability to manage finances. Hopefully, we can compromise on what will be accounted to his business in future so I do not feel as if I must support "him" as well as me on MY retirement funds. He may be brilliant, but I can run circles around him with my budgeting and organizational skills. Therapist told me that is probably why we ended up together so long ago, as he recognized those are areas he does not excel in. The saga continues.........