Hello All-
I've just landed on this site. Have been feeling despondent and frustrated and maybe even a little sorry for myself and decided to be proactive and find a support group. Just reading your posts has been HUGE for me. I realize I am not alone, that my struggles are shared. Doesn't make them go away, but does make them easier to bear. My current challenge is a sense of burn-out. Near 30 years of coping with a partner with ADHD (he's been medicated for 8 which helps with focus, but not much else), and just finding myself at times truly, deeply burned out. You all know the drill- three decades of lonely hyper-coping, hyper-managing, picking up after endless unfinished tasks and projects, dealing with hyper-reactivity, screen addiction, endorphin seeking addictions, etc. I know I am preaching to the choir here. Ending such a long term marriage doesn't feel like an option for me- three grown kids with whom we are very close, a very entwined life, and my husband is a fundamentally good person- but I do know I would fare better if I could come to a place of continued compassion. So, asking....how do you find a way to compassion through burn-out? If anyone could answer that question it is you, those who have found a way not just to live but to thrive in these relationships. So appreciate any input, and advance thanks for your time!
I just want to say welcome. I
Submitted by nlongenecker on
I just want to say welcome. I have been feeling that exact same way. In May we will be married 22 yrs. He was diagnosed 10 yrs ago and is on medication...but only when he thinks he needs it. I just started with a new therapist last week and she helped me put a word to how I feel...just plain exhausted. It seems simple but I guess I never thought about it...I just put my head down and try to push through. But like you said, after so long, I'm losing steam and the desire to trudge through it all. I feel like living with him takes me on an emotional roller coaster I never agreed to. Not only is it exhausting, I feel like I've been emotionally gutted...like there's just nothing left. It took two days for him to apologize and I'm very grateful for that. It's like you said...I know that fundamentally he's a good guy and I know that logically and factually that he loves me...but his actions don't always match that and it's so confusing sometimes. And trying to make sense of it all is just so tiring. One thing my new therapist really stressed is self care. I know I hear it all the time, but I've never grasped it's importance until now. I'm going to try to focus on taking care of me more...even in simple things like a nap or a quiet bath or a walk when I just need a break and some alone time. Do you have any self care things you can do for yourself to just destress?
Thank you
Submitted by Pelican11 on
Nicole- thank you so much for your response and my apologies for the delay in sending these thanks. It is so amazing, and comforting to find a community of people (love that so many are women!) that so truly understand the experience. I think there is often a sense of loneliness that accompanies the non-ADHD spouse life- not just in our marriages, but in the outer world. Our ADHD spouses are so charming and engaging, people LOVE them- I feel I can never share some of my frustrations as people just would not understand why I'd be such a nag, why I'd complain about such an obviously fabulous partner. But here I can share, and people get it. What an amazing feeling it is to feel heard without judgment, with understanding! As for your journey, I so get it, and bravo you for staying committed these 22 years. I don't know if you've read Melissa Orlov's book 'The ADHD Effect on Marriage'? You said trying to make sense of it all is so tiring, his actions not matching his words so confusing. I felt exactly the same way, but reading Melissa's book has shed SO much light on the subject. Reading her book was eerie. We tend to think as individuals our situation is unique, our marriage the product of our two personalities so no way other people's marriages are like that. The you read her book and it is as if she is literally quoting your life- sentences pop out of the book that I have used over and over again in my struggles. I have learned more in the past week reading her book than in the last 30 years (a number of those in couples therapy), and feel, at long LONG last as if I am beginning to understand. I'd be lying if I didn't say I didn't also feel a good measure of grief- for all the years of hurt and misunderstanding, but I feel as if I am on a path to understanding and workability in my marriage. For sure I do self care- lots of hiking, happy volunteer work, gardening, but, in addition to self care I would HIGHLY recommend getting Melissa's book if you haven't yet done so. I think it really can make what has been for us so confusing and tiring and put it in a very understandable context, with a scaffold like structure to cope. Thanks again so much for your response, hang in there!- p
Yes Welcome
Submitted by kosty on
We all struggle with this, and we all need to make our own choices of staying or going. I have made the choice of staying with him and excepting him for who he is, even though it is exhausting sometimes. I have been on my own journey of peace & happiness the last year, and it has been wonderful. I'm still learning new things to help me cope with his ADHD. My husband is a good person,my therapist asked me just last week why do you want to stay in the marriage, I said for companionship, we do have good times, and she said that is a good reason. The most important thing is to take care of you no matter what it is. Here if you need to talk.
Thank you!
Submitted by Pelican11 on
Kosty, you are so kind to take the time to respond to my post, thank you. I think companionship is a wonderful reason to stick with a marriage. I agree, the choice is individual, and certainly situation dependent. I love how you said you made the choice to accept your partner as he is, despite the fact that it can be exhausting. It acknowledges both of your realities in the relationship, and your acceptance of those realities. For me, finding understanding the 'why' behind some behaviors of and in itself has been enormous in helping to cope, landing on this site and meeting this community of caring people who have been on the same journey also hugely helpful. It isn't an easy journey, but the kindness and understanding of people like you truly make it much easier. Thnk you- p
Thanks
Submitted by kosty on
Reading Melissa's books have been also eye opening for me, I actually try and read certain sections everyday, as it helps me understand, and yes this site has been a life line for me. Hear if you need to talk.