My ADHD Husband has a habit of finding discarded items when he takes walks. Today he came home with a pair of gloves he found. He was wearing them! It kind of grosses me out to be honest. He's found headphones and other random items that end up in our house. I feel like people throw things away for a reason - but he claims he's "rescuing" lost objects.
He also doesn't ever take the time to buy himself new items. Instead of buying new shoes - for example - he wears my old ones! His coat is old and falling apart he has holes in his pants. I cannot remember the last time he purchased any new clothing or shoes. I feel embarrassed to go out with him! He's starting to look a bit homeless to me. I've told him all this - but his habits persist. I've also noticed that he will hide found objects because they upset me.
In the past I've purchased him clothing - but this made me feel uncomfortable because then he basically does nothing for himself - or for me - except occasionally empty out the dishwasher - or purchase a frozen pizza for dinner.
Anyone dealing with a similar situation?
My ex-husband likes to shop
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My ex-husband likes to shop but mostly only at discount stores. He has a tendency to wear old, discolored clothing and to drape himself in it such that he looks depressed, homeless, or both. I don't think he ever picked up other people's garbage but he does have hoarding tendencies. It was a source of contention for us and still bothers me, because he left all his stuff in the house that I now own by myself, and I have to deal with the stuff.
I know that you're dealing
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I know that you're dealing with your ExH's junk he left behind. Have you tried just doing one big bag each week and adding it to the week's garbage?
Hi HyperBallad
Submitted by Terra on
I'm thinking that your best bet is to parse these things out a bit more, if one of your goals is to enjoy an outing with your husband. It seems he's lumped the concept of "clothing" into an oversimplified category. Wherever, however he acquires the missing outfit, its absence from his closet is a stumbling block. The component parts have to look like they go together, and for many of us, we have to remember to wear those shoes when we go shopping for the other pieces. Or, those shoes and those pants...
Saying so, because that's how I make changes in how I do things: one part at a time. Including adding new pieces to my wardrobe (which I do for the overall benefit that brings; as a necessary chore).
I do care how others perceive me, to the extent that I don't want my appearance to get in the way, socially. I'm always going to want the process of getting ready to do *whatever* to be as streamlined as possible. I don't buy/keep clothes that are physically uncomfortable to wear (because the cut doesn't suIme). If a piece of clothing does fit well, and looks okay on me, I'm hoping I can wear it again for a while (the quality of the fabric) because, I really don't want the process of getting dressed to be an event in itself. Isn't the more important focus what I'll be doing, that I'm dressing for?
All that said, it can be a slippery slope, if a person loses sight that while simplicity (or frugality) can be a good thing - when applied too absolutely, it causes other problems.
Hope you and your husband can find some middle ground.
Would he agree to a
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
Would he agree to a compromise? Maybe he would agree to go to thrift stores, estate sales, garage sales together and give up collecting trash. This would allow you to have some input on the items that he buys, but still give him the excitement of discovering some "treasures".
A little bit similar--my DH
Submitted by dvance on
A little bit similar--my DH rejects anything of quality across the board. A few examples: when he got a new job two years ago, we went together and bought him a new work bag. He doesn't need a briefcase, but needs to carry a laptop and iPad, so TOGETHER we picked out a Timbuktu over the shoulder bag. He used it for a few months, then stuck it in the closet and bought a crappy looking backpack at Target instead. He claims it's easier to wear a backpack than carry an over the shoulder bag. Except he is a 48 year old business man, not a 14 year old high school student, and frankly he looks ridiculous wearing a backpack. Also work related: instead of going into meetings with a nice looking portfolio with a legal pad, for example, he buys cheap spiral notebooks at Target to take notes. Looks ridiculous. Next example: last Christmas I bought him one of those Swell bottles that are all the rage. He does wood working as a hobby so I got him one with a wood grain--very cool looking. Again--it sits unused and he uses a crappy plastic water bottle instead. For his birthday in November I bought him a biography of his favorite singer. He has not opened it yet. His tennis shoes are a size too large and slip off his heels when he walks. His sweatpants drag on the ground and get all grubby when he goes outside. What is that exactly? I swear my DH has some sensory issues too. When shirts have tags he rips them out and then the shirt has a hole in it. Now a lot of shirt print the tag info right on the fabric so that is better for him. He buys everything in a 2X and it just hangs off of him. I can tell you in no universe is he a 2X. It's all just so odd.
I often wonder if it all is part of the "I can get the beat this system" mentality many of them have. The whole "normal rules don't apply to me, I am better than all of you" mindset. I have quit trying to figure it out and we rarely go out together, so I can't be embarrassed by how he looks.
Dvance Form vs Function?
Submitted by kellyj on
The age old battle in which is more important? I can tell you in the work I do...I have to consider both at the same time so I am always thinking along these lines and have to compromise between the two in order to meet the demands of the job or piece I am working on?
Just a thought in what you said? Seems like everything is "too big" for him and he feels this is more comfortable? Could it be he has issues with clothing feeling too tight...and it makes him catastrophic when things are too tight for him? As far as the other things go.....if you are doing work with your hands...it doesn't really matter what the tool looks like as long as it works well? Some of my favorite tools that fit my hands the best and are easier to control...or old old tools that they don't even make anymore? One tool in particular....I took and ground down and altered to make it work perfectly in my hand and it is my go to....tool....first pick above everyone I have ...because it performs best over all the others?
It's also the oldest most beat up and worn out looking thing you could ever see? To look at....it looks like it's seen better days? To use as a tool...it works better than any other tool that I own and you can't even find one...if a new one were available?
I can't help but think....there is another reason for this than "I am better than all of you"....but in respect to what you said....."the normal rules don't apply.....if "Function"...proceed "Form"....but you are not considering why? Normally....I might try and split the difference or apply one or the other as needed when appropriate? Considering....there may be something more to investigate...to get to the bottom of this? Just a thought?
J
Other reasons...
Submitted by Terra on
I also suspect that thinking, "I'm better than..." isn't in play. Maybe, "my opinion counts as much as any other's". Have you (anyone frustrated by conflicting opinions) asked your loved ones what makes the appeal of what they're using or wearing? In I-really-want-to-understand terms?
Some of us, like JJamieson, like me, think about *why* this tool (yes, carry bags are tools - notepads, too) is preferable... *to me*. In my case, sometimes after switching. Depending who's asking - and how they ask me! - I may share that insight... if I've figured it out.
Knowing what we value, and why we value those, is a bigger matter than might seem. When, years ago, someone who considered herself a friend, said to me, "... You obviously don't care about your appearance..." She had come to a conclusion that 1) hurt my feelings, and 2) overlooked that my shopping-process, although needing more steps to it, did include checking for aesthetic appeal.
The part that was factual, in her wrong assumption: yup, I can decide to disregard others' reactions to whatever. (This takes a little bit of effort, but usually not much. When a person needs to work hard to keep attention to the central matter in that moment, one of the bonuses is learning to drop other things off one's radar.) For me, it's not a nefarious disregard for anyone - more like, "in this moment, there's nothing I can do about that."
PS I have a full length mirror beside my closet. I check it... but I wouldn't, if I had to negotiate any annoyance to do so.
Yes...And ignoring it is the secret to my happiness!
Submitted by c ur self on
Try to ignore it...Live and Let live...You want have a problem on Birthday's and at Christmas time (if you recognize those) wondering what he needs...:)
C