I had posted in another thread a few weeks ago that my DH had had a couple job interviews. He got a dream of a job - perfect hours, very nice commute, and really great pay. He has been out of work for more than two years so this was welcome.
Yesterday he came home early. He had been fired for doing something - he wasn't clear on the details, but he's been fired several times for similar issues (lack of planning and following through, focusing on one small thing and letting really big things fester).
So now we're back to square one, yet again. He said he's just going to "see what happens" and is not planning anything. He doesn't do anything all day; just sits on the computer, while telling me every evening that he's working on organizing the bottom half of the house that is filled with his stuff.
I asked him to get medical help but he gets offended. He just has zero concerns of how this behavior - spanning the last 22 years - has affected our family.
Not sure where to go from here.
I'm really sorry to hear this
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm really sorry to hear this. The biggest issue in my relationship has been my husband's difficulty with employment. He lost a really good job in the late 1990s, probably because of his prickly personality and productivity issues. He then was unemployed for several years, during most of which he did not look for work. He finally got another job, admittedly not one well suited to his habits, and he got fired from that one after causing a motor vehicle accident. He has not applied for any jobs since then (five years ago next month). He is now paid to provide companionship and some services for his elderly parents, but even that job is not going well. Anyway, I know how awful it feels to be the spouse in this type of situation.
Rosered...same here
Submitted by jennalemon on
My dh also had a very good paying sales job until the mid 1990's. Then, after being let go twice in two years he just "gave up" and tried to eke by since then - not discussing anything with me. These guys are so much alike. Is it the ADD or are there other things going on because many of these things seem more like personality or upbringing or an oppositional disorder or anti-authority thing too. It is crazy for a wife.
He does little things around
Submitted by redhead1017 on
He does little things around the house, which he expects to get a medal for. For example he's been "organizing" the bottom half of our house for years. He hasn't made any progress. I was so happy to have him out of the house - it was SUCH a good job! And I can't be upset about it because then I'm "attacking" him. No, I have to just stuff down my feelings of resentment and keep doing all the things I'm doing, while he sits in front of the computer all day long!
I really don't want to resent him, but it's SO difficult to not have feelings of anger towards someone who does nothing to help around the house other than make crazy restrictive rules that everyone needs to follow or they get in trouble (he is super controlling and thinks he's organized, but he's not; his "rules" end up making things worse). I don't really know how to handle this anymore. This is the third job in three years that he's gotten fired from.
My husband is not controlling
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband is not controlling, but otherwise our situations sound similar. I considered the lack of employment to be the biggest issue in our marriage, because it led, obviously, to lack of money, but my husband always said that it "made him feel bad about himself" for me to bring up the topic. For the first three or four years after he lost his first good job, he spent most of his time on the computer, engaging in flame wars. It was horrible.
That's exactly what my DH
Submitted by redhead1017 on
That's exactly what my DH does. I've caught him multiple times creating these gigantic manifestos for flame wars. He spends SO much time doing this. It's ridiculous. Between that and adding to his toy collection it's a full time job.
Reading your other comments - looks you finally filed for a divorce? I don't think I'm at that point yet, but he just doesn't seem to understand how much this stresses me out. Doesn't understand, or doesn't care. Yesterday he told me I was giving him mixed signals because I said I don't mind him being at home, but then I'm mad when he loses a job. Well, I have to put up with him being at home, and I don't want to be a bitch, so I do my best to be kind and loving and attentive. He takes that as I don't mind him constantly losing jobs and not contributing in any way to the household! I can't win for losing here.
Yesterday I finally told him in very plain language that it's frustrating for me not to be able to rely on him for anything. He just got the usual blank look on his face and said nothing. I asked him what his plan was for next steps now that he's lost another job, and he said he's just going to see what happens with our small business. I said I need a timeline, that by the end of the summer he needs a plan of action. His response was that you can't put a timeline on that kind of thing, that he lives day to day and doesn't plan ahead.
At this point I know it's all me for the family. Thankfully I make a good living and have provided in every way. But his constant lack of employment has definitely taken its toll on our family - I'm working hard to catch up savings-wise since he depleted all of that before I took matters into my own hands.
I filed for a separation last
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I filed for a separation last year but then decided to ask the court to dismiss the action, because of other things going on. However, I'll probably file for a divorce sometime this year. I've acknowledged my contribution to our problems, changed myself in many ways, tried various ways to encourage my husband to deal with his issues, and basically, all that has changed is me, and I'm less happy with the situation, not more, as time goes on.