This is my first time posting to any forum like this regarding my husbands adhd. I am curious if anyone has experienced a husband who hyper focuses on a business that seems to consume him. He can't hold down a steady job because he is convinced that this business is the end all be all (we will be debt free, I will be happier, etc.). We have been married for 10 years now and I am pretty numb. The job changes, increases in debt, cross country moves, and general instability have taken their toll on me. He has made very bad financial decisions because of the business and over the years I have tried to get on board but for the life of me I just don't even understand what the actual business is because it changes to him writing a book, brokering, training, etc.
Can anyone out there relate? Any and all input, advice, help would be greatly appreciated
The dilemma of a Self-Employed Man with Unaddressed ADHD
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
leenlo,
1. Yes. I have "a husband who hyper focuses on a business that seems to consume him."
2. Yes. I have a husband who "is convinced that this business is the end all be all."
3. Yes. We have consistently "increases in debt."
4. Yes. The "general instability have taken their toll on me."
5. Yes. "I am pretty numb."
6. Yes. "He has made very bad financial decisions because of the business."
7. Yes. "Over the years I have tried to get on board."
8. "Can anyone out there relate?" Yes, I surely can.
This is a great forum to help find assistance for you in untangling the situation in which you currently find yourself. I have been part of it for a little over 3 years. ADHD has been part of my life since our son's diagnosis in 1998 when he was in 4th grade. I began to notice similarities in my spouse's behavior, and he was finally diagnosed a little over 3 years ago.
I have experienced the possibilities of how a life can be lived successfully when an early diagnosis leads to acceptance and understanding of how your brain works. I am also experiencing the frustration of how a life is severely challenged when a diagnosis late in life leads to compounded frustration as you realize how your life has been negatively impacted by not knowing why everything always seemed so hard.
I can relate.
employed, self employed, unaddressed ADHD
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I'm So Exhausted, I really related to your post, and to many others you've posted. (my computer keeps doing weird things, so if something reads crazy, it just might be my keyboard, lol) Anyway, my husband ALSO has un-addressed ADHD and is self employed. First, some things in his favor..... he has ALWAYS held down a daily responsible job which provides for us ....and....he finished his PhD and teaches in a state college. (We never get ahead, only just make the bills) He never wanted to be a teacher, and has usually hated his jobs, (except the university and college jobs) but his degrees are in EDUCATION...... mostly (music education). So, what else was he supposed to do? He also has a side music business that has added pocket money and helped during the summer when he doesn't get paid. This summer though, we have no income so we don't know HOW we are going to make it. (his side business dried up after the 2008 crash).
He always told me "My father always said, you never make any money working for someone else". So, THAT was his reason for having his own business, but I KNOW his ADHD has held him back from MANY good opportunities. Also, the more I learn, the more I find out that many ADHD'ers want to be self employed because many CAN'T work for someone else. And I also know the ADHD also kept him from getting "the better jobs". He doesn't know how to promote himself, and when he tries, it doesn't go very well. Since he won't accept any ideas I have, or listen to input from me on how he could "get in with certain people", his talent and business only go so far. But, I KNOW I could help him in this area. BUT...... I don't have a college degree, and even though he SAYS it doesn't make any difference to him, it SURE feels like it makes a BIG difference. He listens to anyone else, except me, especially if they have a degree. I DO HAVE LOTS of LIFE EXPERIENCE. Most people have are surprised to hear of all the incredible things I've lived through, even before I met my husband.
My husband has spent the last 10 years trying to break into the movie business (doing the background music). He was actually contracted to do the music for an independent movie.....BUT.... The director who hired my husband was a crook who was just living off of people's investment money. When I tried to tell DH that something seemed "really wrong" about this guy, he YELLED at me something fierce. (we had a big fight about it) But, I turned out to be right, and the director got arrested for scamming people. DH is STILL working on this movie, and we've spent thousands of dollars on computer equipment for him to write movie music, with NO PAYMENT yet in sight. There have been thousands of hours spent on learning how to do movie music, with writing it first, then entering it into the computer. He is still hoping to get paid but the movie has to get sold first. Even with a legal contract, you can't get paid if there is no money to get paid WITH. He's also hoping this will lead to other things and more movie music jobs. He does this pretty good, but movie music ISN'T where is best talent lies. He is a genius with ARRANGING music for bands. He's a published arranger and composer which also took a beating in 2008, when schools stopped asking for arranged music for their bands. But, after this movie came along he stopped what he was BEST AT, and just focused on this.
I have written many songs myself, but have had to "wait" until the movie is done to get help from DH to get them written down and recorded. I can't help but think....."what if"?. He's never taken my musicianship or music seriously. It sounds terribly conceited to say I was "gifted" with music, but I do believe I have a gift that I love to share with people. the music comes from my heart and emotions, (the BIG difference between our music) My husband's music comes from his head and what he's learned, mine comes from my heart and soul. People have told me they know and hear the difference.
He also makes custom drums, (actually does this well) except he's put more money INTO it than getting out of it....AGAIN. Plus, he's not a "detail" person, and custom work MUST see to all kinds of details). THIS I DO KNOW ABOUT....because I used to work in a family custom jewelry business...all top notch, top quality, custom work from the drawing to the finished product. I'm also an artist and have done many logos and custom design work. But, my music is my heart and person love. I've been playing piano since I was 4 years old, and started playing professionally at 16. I've played for thousands of people in churches, schools, theaters, restaurants, weddings, funerals and everything ELSE you can think of. I'm especially good at accompanying, especially choral accompanying which takes excellent sight reading, which I have.
So Much In Common
Submitted by kellyj on
I read your post and thought I was reading my story....but it does appears to be somewhat different I have a couple of thing to add or say to the things you said. You might find this interesting.
My full time career is in the jewelry business also. For the last 35 years I've been a custom order fine jewelry goldsmith, platinum- smith and diamond setter. This is something I do know a lot about also. This is a career that picked me more than I picked it since I too grew up in the jewelry business and was around it all my life. Interesting thing about this is I am really not that interested in jewelry itself.....meaning....I don't get excited about it or even own any personally except for one nice watch that I where every day (I'd be in real trouble if I didn't' wear a watch lol )
The reason I say that this job picked me is because that I am so suited for it and fits me perfectly. My strength area is diamond setting ( even though I can do everything from casting platinum,design, wax carving and repair ). So you can understand when I say that when you are setting a large diamond that cost as much a house ( in excess of $100,000.00 ) and the pressure is on to be fast as well to make a sale......everything is riding on the fact that you only have one chance to get it right and there is no room for errors or mistakes. This is when I am at my best and is the reason that I still have a job (for 25 years) with one employer.
All my ADHD behaviors and personality quirks drive my boss absolutely crazy sometimes ( being late to work and being messy when I get really busy) but he also knows that the choices are few and far between to find a replacement for me and so ......we have learned to live with each other for a common goal over the years. I say this because he drives me to the point of utter exhaustion with frustration too.
I think this parallel is such an excellent example of how two people who are so diametrically opposite to one another can learn to find some common ground to live with each other including the fact that one of them has ADHD . I understand that I am not married to my boss....OMG, aside from being the wrong gender I would consider suicide as a possible option to that!
But before I went to work for my current employer.....I was self employed for the first 10 years as an apprentice and then owning my own jewelry manufacture and custom order trade shop. This was after getting my degree.... BS in Production Systems and Analysis and thinking that the last thing I would ever find myself doing was being a creative craftsman and design artist which I took no classes in while I attended college.
So when I was reading your post and the others in this thread I was also thinking about how I managed to have a steady income without interruption and be self employed...... during which time......also not being diagnosed with ADHD or on any meds to speak of ( aside from a stiff drink at the end of a long day )
The comment made by your husband's father about " never making any money working for someone else" has been floating around forever but I will argue is out dated and not true any more for so many reasons. While I was running my own business.....I had more work than I knew what to do with ( including 6 employees ) working 10 to 12 hours a day, six days a week. At then end of it all.......I made only a little more than my highest paid employee and worked longer hours to get even that (my hourly wage was less than his ) But...that had nothing to do with not having enough work or my ability to get more if I wanted to.
Through the years.....I have watched goldsmiths come and go and they all have the same dream.....to sit and just create their own creative designs and have the freedom to "do their art" by making custom order and having a line of their own work. I have never known a single one that has succeeded in doing this but I have watched them all try and fail at it too.
I'll say it again.......NOT ONE ever succeeded to make a steady living and become a recognized "jewelry designer" like they dreamed of being. I had this dream at one time too until I went to work for my "master" who was a wealthy retired jewelry manufacturer who came out of retirement because he was bored ....and opened a small one man (European style) jewelry shop (at age 71). He had learned the craft growing up in France and Morocco starting at age 12 (old school)...his name was Francios (or Frank)... but everyone just called him by his nickname....."Frenchie" (how original right?)
When I first went to work for him (after I shut down my trade shop)....I thought I was pretty good at what I did and was setting my sights on doing my own work like I mentioned.....that was until I started watching him work and seeing him make jewelry. After the first week with him I felt like putting my head in the oven because I was so depressed. He had made his fortune by designing and manufacturing a very nicely made line of attractive jewelry during the 50's and 60's because of his business smarts as a manufacturer......but when I watched him work and saw the talent and experience in his abilities and artistry behind the smart businessman....I realized just how far from this I was and how long it would take ( if ever) to become as good as he was. He was a true "master" in every sense to the word.
The moral of this story is this........There are reasons behind the reasons that some people become successful entrepreneurs.......talent, luck, connections or good ideas......but the one thing that everyone needs to make it at first is money ....especially if you are an artist or custom order anything. You need to have backing of some kind .......I routinely ask successful jewelry designers how they did it (got a recognized name).....and everyone of them when pushed with this question quietly told me they had either family money and support, married family money or were career students in art school into their late 20's and had become well known artists through the circles that were created by living in a world of art students living a very poor bohemian lifestyle. ( connections and luck )
When I came to this realization that there is no fairy tale ending as many people believe when they set out to become craftsman or artists of any kind....I set my sights on just becoming as good as possible in many skill areas that employers need and simply working for someone else without all the head aches and stress that working for yourself creates in your life. Quality of life is worth more than fame and fortune (or recognition).
The work that I do is not glamorous sometimes and I don't get to choose what I do or get to create my own designs most of the time.....but I have a steady income and more time to live my life outside of work....which is where I have a home shop and can be as creative as I like and work on everything from making guitars to restoring old cars ( less cars now as I commented in another post) to get my personal need for creativity satisfied.
This is also where the time management problems come from and other related complaints associated with ADHD and my wife are concerend....but these are the areas that I am working hard to make adjustments in.
Finding a balance in everything you do is really the goal.
J
sigh of relief
Submitted by leenlo on
Finally a sigh of relief that I am not alone. Just knowing that I am NOT crazy has been helpful. The job he has now is pretty good and will allow him to do overtime to hopefully allow us to get ahead (hopefully). So far he hasn't started complaining about the job or coworkers (at least he isnt telling me anymore) so that is a good sign.
Thank you so much for your response and honesty. You have truly been a God send!