My husband and I have been together 7 years; it was second marriage for both of us and we blended families. Yes the courtship was so attentive and we ended up joining households very early. Just before Covid my husband was laid off from his retail management job. He's also been through a major organ transplant and 3 joint replacements. Given my job is an executive level, we could afford to live on my salary and he was able to stay at home through Covid. Subsequently we discussed that we should do our best to preserve his body and he'd stay retired. He's struggled with purpose. He worked high volume retail and coached a sport very competitively. I thought retirement would be freeing for him but he's lost purpose.
Well the lack of purpose he's depressed and jumps from hyper-focus to hyper-focus. I don't trust him with money. He went through a hobby collectible hyper focus that spent thousands of dollars. I ask for minimal money for the household but then have limited pocket money, while he has a couple hundred to just blow weekly. The usual chores dysfunction - just easier to do it myself.
We are seeing therapists separately and together. He now identifies his issues but we are making no progress. I find if I try and express my needs I'm "controlling" and he double downs on his position.
I'm working my way through the book but I feel so alone in my marriage. He thinks I'm insecure by feeling ignored, but well sounds like I react like the non-ADHD spouse. He pushes himself hard with friends and I get the grumpy sick version.
Partly just needing to vent, but need some encouragement to keep movingi forward.
Hope
Submitted by Quercus McGurkus on
Hi Sask_girl,
It sounds like you and your partner have been through quite a bit. I'm sorry for all the pain and confusion you've been dealing with as well as the ADHD stuff. It's a real struggle.
Im the ADHD spouse and my wife and I have had similar issues, hyper-focus; money problems; etc and me not hearing her when she asked me to get help. Also the usual lying, shame, not keeping promises, you know the drill.
We came out of a very conservative church background that treated all mental illness as a sin and that one should just pray and try harder. ADHD was a discipline issue and meds were not trusted. I'm not knocking church or faith but those particular attitudes were not helpful. It was not until I had almost destroyed us financially that I talked to my doc about meds and was diagnosed as bi-polar 1 and then 2 years later I called a psychologist to help me with some things and was diagnosed as ADHD. I'm on lithium and Welbutrin. I can't take anything like an upper due to my bi-polar and past addiction issues. The Welbutrin helps.
The only hope my wife and I have had is me owning my problems and working on them. We are in joint counseling and I am seeing both a counselor and therapist. It's so very hard and I hate what my mental issues have put my wife through. She's had to take a job as I am struggling to find work and keep my business going.
There is hope but I think it starts with the ADHD partner realizing and working on the issues and then both of you working on issues together. My wife is understandably leery of admitting to any areas where she may not have responded well. I think I need to have a better track record before she feels safe to say or acknowledge those areas. In the past I've focused intently on any real or perceived "wrong" on her part and been completely blind to my own glaring problems.
We are still working through lots of issues but slowly making progress. It's a long road, from my perspective, yours may be shorter, depending on how your partner responds to meds, therapy, etc. I hope so!
Does he contribute at all?
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I feel for you. I too am the non-ADHD spouse. In our case divorce is in progress. My doctor told me to get out to save myself.
The thing that hits me reading your post is there is no mention of your husband contributing. Neither financially, with housework, emotionally or otherwise. Does he do anything for you?
For me, the lack of contribution and lack of self-awareness in my husband has not been possible to overcome. He just thinks I'm not appreciative of him. I feel I'm carrying the vast majority of the load, and the whole responsibility for the family.
These days, I feel that each adult partner has to share in the adult responsibilities, no matter if there are diagnoses. I will never again accept what this marriage has put me through.
Im the non adhd spouse as well
Submitted by doghome on
Im sorry to hear you are struggling, I can relate and know that sometimes you just need someone to talk to, or vent to, I get it 100%, I have no one to talk with is why I found this board. We have been married 20+ years and only found out within the past couple years what the real issue is. I can say once finding out it has changed my mindset, before that we were ready, more so me, for divorce. Now I try to help manage it differently, I know I didnt handle it well in the past. I can imagine your husband not working and losing his purpose could contribute more to your situation. My husband still works and does great at work with the routine and being held responsible, its when he has time off that he too feels like he has no purpose, so needless to say Im not looking forward to his retirement yet. BUT, with that in mind what I have changed is instead of "expecting" him to take part in the chores, we now have a list of things to do. Honestly I told him, I always have one whether in my mind or written down but he never does, as you probably know. So, instead of keeping it in my mind, we now have a list hanging and he can see things that need to be done on that day, weekend, coming up or what ever. He asked me for lists, so that helps, otherwise I never offered, he wants to help he just forgets what needs to be done. I thought he liked his unroutine life at home, but I found out he does better and wants to have, a routine at home so we work on that for him. Its not easy still, I still have my moments of Ugh, why cant you remember that? or Why do I need to remind you of that? But I try to be more patient and remember its not him being lazy, he just has a reason for not being able to remember. It helps me some, before I would just get so angry that he would never get things done, now he does but he just needs a list or reminder. Im not sure what retirement will look like, I have a couple years to try and prepare for that myself, it will be alot of the same Im sure. I would be glad to listen if you need to vent
Thanks for all the responses
Submitted by Sask_girl on
Thanks for all the responses and I appreciate hearing from both sides. My husband does contribute - financially although retired, he has used inheritance to help buy our lake property or usually the "fun" toys or vehicles needed. Usually 2/3 of the time I can count on him for emotional contributions and support - being home as the kids get home from school; cooking dinner; he's done some amazing construction projects (when that was his hyper-focus).
Recently it hasn't helped that he's been sick (sinus infection) which has not helped communication between us. I am the angry one and I've been shocked in the last few years, just how angry I can get with him. My first marriage, my ex was the angry one and I don't like modeling that behaviour.
Right now I'm focusing on how to be the best version of me and focus less on where I am disappointed. That being said, I found it funny yesterday - I got home from work and was totally giving him silent treatment - how did he open up conversation? Not with hey, should we talk about us? No, he asked if I'd helped with his nomination form for the hall of fame for his sport - but as I read everything yesterday instead of getting mad and crying that his sport was first thing he asked about, I am trying to understand that is where his focus was. But I did tell him that by asking about it first, it didn't help us move forward.
Thanks again for all the support.