Hi everyone! I joined this blog earlier this year, and have been wanting to post for a while! Earlier this year, my bf was diagnosed with ADHD. I'm an MFT Trainee, and I'm the one who encouraged him to get assessed. I'm surprised it took me so long to connect the dots!
I'm very grateful that my partner was so willing to get assessed, and I know not everyone is as open to it. I'm also very grateful that my partner was willing to take medication as well. He is still on the first medication the doctor put him on, and it has worked very well. I noticed an improvement pretty quickly. However, things are still pretty hard.
I think the biggest issue for me right now is that we've been engaged for 3 years, and have been together for 13 years. I have a lot of anger and animosity because I feel like it took too long for him to propose, and I think it's crazy that we still aren't married. We have lived together the past 7 years, and we own a car together. I have tried to talk to him about starting a guest list, and the times I tried, he wasn't very into it at all, the conversation never goes anywhere. It makes me feel like he just doesn't want to get married, but I think the issue is his difficulty in planning. I was already parentified as a kid, so I really don't want to baby my partner and hold his hand throughout the entire wedding planing process, but I'm worried that it's the only way it will ever get done. Anyone have a similar experience?
How about other 'planning' events?
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Have you experienced similar behavior when you've had to plan other significant events? Did he just disappear and let you do all the actual planning?
Thanks for your reply!
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
To be honest, I can't remember a time where I had to plan anything as big as a wedding. But, I think it's less about him helping me plan a wedding, and more about now he never talks about the wedding. He absolutely never brings up any issues in the relationship either, it's always me. I could care less about planning a wedding, I could hire a wedding planner for that. I'm sad because he never seems excited about getting married (or having kids) and it's just really weighing on me today. It's hard being the (seemingly) only one who has to take initiative.
What you are doing is dangerous....
Submitted by c ur self on
You're attempting to think for another person....You seem to be (based on your post) ignoring his choices in life, so you don't have to face the reality of what is and isn't important to him....Believe me, most adults like their lives just like they live them....I suggest you consider moving on, and find someone who's choices and loves in life more mirror your own....He is probably not going to change his mind about his life....
blessings to you!
c
I would disagree, I don't
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
I would disagree, I don't think him and I are on totally different pages. He proposed, so obviously he wants to get married. He's never told me he doesn't want to get married. It would just be nice to see us moving forward with something. I haven worn my engagement ring in like a year, and he's never commented on it.
You can, it's your life....
Submitted by c ur self on
That is fine, I wish you a life of peace and happiness!....Just making the point that we must respect the reality of everyone's life choices....If he never steps up to the plate in responsibility and possibly Fatherhood some day....Then you can always think back, and say my desire to get married, (get what I wanted) blinded me to what he was living out everyday....
c
Wedding vs marriage
Submitted by adhd32 on
It seems that you are focused on the wedding planning and ignoring your partner's lack of interest in getting married. He never commented on the missing engagement ring in a year?? He may never be interested in things that are important to you. Medication does not inspire desire to be a team player in a person with ADHD, it helps them focus on the things THEY want to focus on. From many years of experience I can tell you that the only thing my H has taken the lead on, or participated in without complaint, is something that feeds his happiness and/or ego, and it is usually something that doesn't really include me or the family. I know you want your mate to be different, but you cannot motivate someone to be responsible. You have to accept him as he is right now because what you see is probably the best he will ever be.
He hasnt commented on it once
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
He hasnt commented on it once. The weird thing is that he recently agreed to start saving money for a wedding, although it's been about a month and he hasn't put any away yet. I think everything you said is totally valid, it's just that I don't even know if I want to deal with that forever. He also doesn't talk about emotions, and that's super important. Thanks for your feedback.
Saying but not doing
Submitted by Pluto on
What you said about it's weird saying he'll start saving money, but hasn't done it - not weird at all with an ADHD spouse. It's not unusual to have an ADHD partner say they'll do it, and not follow through. Get used to it.
Wedding planning
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
When I married my ADHD husband, I didn't know he had ADHD. I was so excited about the wedding and a natural planner so I just took the lead. He came around to the halls eagerly, but wasn't motivated to be involved in the rest. At the time I didn't know what I was dealing with and was kind of happy to be able to choose what I wanted. However, looking back 20-ish years later, it should have been a red flag I guess. It's not that he didn't want to get married, it's that his ADHD made him and still makes him a very poor planner and someone who is not motivated to do things that don't interest him personally (choose invitations, hire an officiant, etc.). He's thrilled for someone else to do the work on these things.
I guess the bottom line is that if he's like my husband, he really does want to marry you, but he isn't motivated to do the work. So hopefully that's somewhat heartening. However, it's also a huge red flag and cause for pause. My husband wanted a new house, but didn't want to do the work. He wanted a child but didn't want to do the work. He's unemployed while I do all the work. On and on it goes for me and two decades after planning the wedding myself, I am doing all the work in every other area too. I wish I had known what I was dealing with. I still have to hold his hand to get things done as you mentioned. I don't mean to be a downer... just a word of caution. But again... on the brightside, he probably really does want to get married.
Hi!
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
Thanks for your response! Yes, I agree....I'm glad I know that he has ADHD now, before we get married. At least I know what I'm getting into. In fact, I would say that's why I'm feeling so conflicted because a part of me isn't sure that I want to deal with this for the rest of my life TBH.
I'm glad that my guy has a job, and actually recently got promoted. But, that doesn't mean that everything is easier.
I can definitely feel your pain!
Hi there! My spouse and I
Submitted by sam330 on
Hi there! My spouse and I dated for 5 years, got engaged at 6, and married at 7. He did not get a diagnoses of ADHD until a few months ago, but in hindsight the symptoms were there. I relate to your story so much.
I did 90% of the planning. And honestly it was fine. Me and our moms and friends got it together and so many others pitched in to help. He had his own wedding projects (incl I kid you not: custom staining and monogramming axes for his attendents. It was a huge pain in the butt project which ofc I had to assist at the 11th hour). But his suit, hair cut, and other little things- his best man and other groomsmen handled. Talk to the best man and ask for help- he knows your fiance as well as you and knows where help is needed. My mother in law stepped in and I turned the whole thing from "I have to plan this whole wedding" into "I get to plan this whole wedding."
We had an amazing wedding which eveyone said was one of the best. We had some major hiccups, including the maid of honor breaking 2 ribs two nights before the wedding and my mom having emergency brain surgery earlier in the year. Lean on people for help- you're the bride! They WILL help. This is one time where we get to ask others as much as we want and I urge you to take advantage.
I have experienced a lot with my husband and his adhd, but I have nothing but good happy memories of my wedding. On days where I am frustrated, I think about my wedding and look at the pics and see the love and ot brings me so much comfort.
Honestly my husband also has
Submitted by kal11 on
Honestly my husband also has ADHD and although he didn't procrastinate in proposing I did most of the wedding planning. I honestly think majority of men aren't that interested in it anyways so I just kept it simple showed him two options and told him to tell me what he likes. I think your setting yourself up for a let down if your asking him to create a guest list or to organize the venue etc I worked with his mom and I started the list form the people I knew and said okay tonight after work we're going over the list together and then he added whoever or took out whoever. My husband was involved in the food part because that actually interested him as well as his tux and grooms etc just try to find things he might actually be interested in and you'll probably have to do the rest.
Hi Kal, honestly I agree-most
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
Hi Kal, honestly I agree-most men probably don't care about wedding stuff. And I'm not really super into it either TBH! In terms of the guest list, I've gone to him several times and asked him to do it with me -collaborate together. I've never asked him to completely take over an entire task.
Not my experience, but....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I have a friend who was with her boyfriend for 6 years. They had discussed getting married. She wanted to get married and have children but he never seemed to be on the same page.
They built a house together and everything. Completely merged their lives except for getting married. She gave him an ultimatum and threatened to move out. Next thing you know he proposes and puts a ring on it.
That satisfied her for a little while but he would never commit to a wedding date. It seems that he was not engaged to be married but engaged to be engaged. I think he finally proposed just to shut her up.
Eventually they did get married and had two daughters.
I don't know what happened between them that led to her filing for divorce, but they are no longer married.
Thanks for sharing!
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
That sounds eerily similar to my relationship! I do almost feel like he proposed just to shut me up, which is an awful feeling. Proposing just to make your partner shut up is the WORST reason to propose.
That's not very supportive.
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
That's not very supportive. "Get used to it" well, I certainly should be after being in this relationship for 13 years...
how'd it go?
Submitted by lima90 on
any progress updates? was reading though because I'm feeling in the same boat and was wondering how the last ~10 months have gone?
Hey!
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
Thanks so much for your concern & comment! No one has followed up, I appreciate it.
I've been in individual therapy for the past year and a half, trying to figure out what to do. I think I feel even more disconnected from him than ever. I'm not really as focused on the wedding anymore, I guess you could say I have given up. I have improved on my own communication though, and have been able to ask for what I need.
ironically, even though I used to be super focused on kids and marriage, I think there was a part of me that knew I didn't want to get married, that there was something I wasn't happy about. I think we have slowly been disconnecting for a long time, long before his diagnosis.
Right now, there are many things shifting. We just signed a 6-month lease (as opposed to 1 year). I wanted to do 6 months, and he never asked any questions about it; typical right? Ideally, I don't want to spend another year living together. I also am going to accept a job offer Monday! This will be my first salary position, since I just finished grad school. This will give me options, I think-and I'll feel less stuck.
I also recently read Attached, which was REALLY good, highly recommend. I think the issue is that my bf has an avoidant attachment style and I have a slightly anxious attachment style. I really resonated with the idea that, for someone who has an anxious attachment style, they are looking for reassurance. I don't feel like I ever get that reassurance, which just triggers the attachment system even further.
That's kind of how things are going. It still hurts that my bf doesn't talk about kids or marriage. He only talks about things that he cares about. He doesn't bring up concerns, and doesn't initiate serious conversations.
I was really proud of myself though, recently he was talking about where we would live after we move out when our lease is up, and I told him that before we could talk about that, we needed to discuss how we were doing. I was scared, but he was open and didn't get defensive. (However, had we continued the conversation, I'm sure he would have).
that was about a week and a half ago, and he hasn't brought it up, which really hurts (at the time it was almost midnight and I explained that it was too late and we should have the discussion at a different time)
I would be curious about your story, have you posted it?