I write this out of frustration like so many others. I am mentally exhausted from feeling like my significant other doesn't care about my feelings, concerns, stories, hurts, you name it. We have been in a long distance relationship for over 5 years. Over the phone this morning, I begin to tell him about a weird dream I had. The dream stemmed from anxiety I've been having over his lack of attentiveness and availability to me. It was a dream about a shoe and when I lifted the tongue of the shoe, I could magically see he was exchanging texts and emails with others about naked women and scantily clad women. His response: I like scantily clad women. Then he goes on to talk about how busy he is and how he is trying to get things done to his house over the weekend because there's no time during the week and how sore he is from working and how his muscles need time to heal. So, I try to circle back to my anxiety and he tells me I need to tough it out and moves on to another topic of his choice. I try again to bring up my anxiety and he says he doesn't know what to tell me and then again says, 'I need apples to juice this morning and need to go out to the garden for some Swiss chard'. At this point I am getting pretty frustrated. I am quiet for awhile and then say, before the kids wake up I need us to talk. I tell him I am frustrated and need someone to talk to and I'm not sure how much more I can take. Nothing. Silence. I ask him what he's doing and he says, 'about to watch a Trump video'. I call him out on it and he proceeds to tell me how he doesn't have time to talk because he has a TON of house work to do and reminds me he only has 2 days to do it in over the weekend. I point out his choice to go hunting the day before and if he had that much work around the house to do, then maybe he should have stayed home. Get this. He actually said the day before doesn't count and that only today does. But, you said you only have 2 days, is my response. Yea, so what, is his response. THIS is everyday. THIS is our relationship. I've recently lost 41 lbs. I'm very happy and proud. Here's our conversation: 'I'm down into a new weight range now and I've lost a total of 41 lbs'. He says, 'that's great, you're doing really great. I weighed in at such and such and well, I need to quit snacking so much and start walking like I used to to get my blood pressure down. It's just (still him talking here) hard since I work so much and when I get home I don't have time to do much of anything else. I think Randy is coming over this weekend (still him talking) and the guys will be here ready to go hunting...And it goes on, and on, and on. I tell him a story and he, in so many words, says 'and, now back to me'. He contradicts himself all the time. I really am super frustrated and need a place to vent. Thanks for 'listening'.
Focused on himself
Submitted by Neckbone on 10/09/2016.
You as sounding board
Submitted by Ifeelstupid on
I'm going to be brief here. This is so much like my husband. We are in a longterm marriage and honestly I used to be very interested in his take on things. Well, the only sign he hears my unfortunate event, as in illness or injury or unpleasant encounter, is to listen to him relate at length that some soexikdc thing happened to him once. I don't feel offended anymore, i just sigh to myself and ask myself what specifically I would like him to do at that moment.
Typo
Submitted by Ifeelstupid on
The foreign-looking word that appeared in my response should have been "specific". As in, be hears me and thinks it will be helpful for me to listen to some similar event that HE experienced... Where do I fit in, I often wonder.
Thanks!
Submitted by Neckbone on
Thank you for your comment. Some days are better than others as to what degree I go without being offended. It's comforting to know others get what I'm going through. Good luck to you.
Mysaronna, our conversations
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Wow, this is pretty much EXACTLY how our conversations have gone for 35 years now. I say something, and try to get a response, or an emotion, or have him respond in SOME type of caring mode to tell me he's HEARD what I said. NOTHING, except a short, okay, (and things like what your boyfriend says) and then goes on a monologue about himself and what he has to "DO". This has ALWAYS been the way it's been. We found out about 10 years ago, he has ADHD, which answered a lot of things, but since he denies how much it's impacted our relationship, and he won't stay on his meds, plus his cheating, we aren't going to make it, and I left 6 months ago.
There is MUCH MORE than ADHD at work here, I think, because while I do believe the condition has a LOT to do with it, the way these folk were raised plays a big part as well. They are SO USED to living life the WAY they've lived it, they don't see any need for change unless there are DRASTIC events otherwise. Their parents have usually contributed to this, and have many times even nurtured this behavior, or made it worse through shame, anger, non-communication, etc.it makes it hard for them to SEE that there are problems they are NOT SEEING,
So, then, it boils down to how much are YOU going to do? You should know EVERYTHING YOU CAN about ADHD, all the ins and outs, and problems, and co-morbid conditions, and all the mis-communications that take place in bf/gf and spousal relationships. IT IS DAUNTING, to say the least, and the relationship will NEVER be the 50/50 type where it's a give and take. Most ADHD relationships, especially the untreated ones, are very lopsided, with the non-ADHD person trying to more of the communicating, and the ADHD person SAYING they are communicating, but not really being able to, or not wanting to. 'What's the BIG DEAL?" and then anger, responses back and forth, mostly bad.
Read as many of these posts as you can, from those of us who have had marriages, and LONG TERM ones. It will teach you A LOT If you wish to stay in this relationship, you MUST get counseling, and he already should be getting it, AND medication.
Great advice!
Submitted by Neckbone on
Thank you for your reply. I am sorry to hear about the cheating! I have thought about the 'how he was raised' part before and am happy you think the same. I have a difficult time accepting ADHD is all there is. After finding this website and others, I've learned so much already. Things that really hit the nail on the head. In a nonchalant way, he has mentioned having ADD, but so many people use this to describe themselves nowadays, that I initially blew it off not knowing the effect it has on a relationship. It's so very difficult because the biggest part of our communication is him refusing to admit he when he is wrong or has done something that hurt me. He invalidates my feelings EVERY SINGLE TIME. I have also studied some on Aspergers and believe this is part of the issue too. So, not only do I feel it has to do with his upbringing, but I also believe he may be on the spectrum and now ADHD. You really hit home when you mentioned they don't see a need to change. Out of curiosity to see if this happens with you, he also has this irritating thing he does when I want him to stop saying something. He keeps repeating it. Although this will sound so petty, it's an example nonetheless: I was leaving his home to fly back to my home (we live 1300 miles away from each other) and out of the blue he tells me some actress is pretty damn hot. I respond with, why would you tell me that as a part of our parting moments before I leave (seriously, tell me you'll miss me)? His response: Well, she is. She is hot. My response: Stop please. His response: What? She is! What's the big deal? My response: Okay, that's enough, I don't need to hear that. Him: I don't understand what the big deal is, she IS hot. - I kid you not, this would go on and on if I let it. It's like badgering in away, I guess? Just weird and an added frustration. Has yours ever done something like this? I have wanted to start counseling for myself to find out how to handle this. I don't think he would ever go. Thanks again for your reply. I really appreciate it.
Spot on!
Submitted by dillydally75 on
You are so correct when you state that it has a lot to do with the way they were raised. My husband's mother catered to his every gripe, whine, complaint he had. He didn't eat certain foods, so she prepared a certain meal for him. He likes everything plain, no salt... uggh its so frustrating. He eventually ran away from home at an early age to basically live how he chose, which did nothing for his selfishness and learning how to become a man. If I tell him I am cramping, he responds that he is having severe back spasms. Then he gives me a speech about all his ailments and how working long hours in IT has contributed to it and no one understands his plight working in IT.... like his job is above any doctor or nurse. This is my first time on this post and it is somewhat comforting to know that I am not making this stuff up in my head.