I recently read something on social media that really resonated with me. Knowing what I know about having ADHD, I'm aware that I can be challenging at times to live with. ADHD symptoms, unmitigated, can definitely negatively impact people around me and it's really easy to blame yourself for everything you know you do that causes others to pull away. For me, intuitively, Ive known this going back to my childhood on some level buy could never put finger on exactly why? Being the identified patient or scapegoat in a dysfunctional family with at least one cluster B personality type parent, only makes this worse. Having undiagnosed ADHD on top of that, only exacerbates this problem.
Anyway.....what I read went something like this: it's not a child's job to form healthy bonds with their parents. It's not the child's fault when parents fail to do so. ( Paraphrasing )
This one really hit the bullseye for me. It means that not everything you do as a child is your fault a, ADHD or not even IF, you are lead to believe so by the powers that me. It also means, that if this carry into your adult years, it's time to stop and let it go.
For me, the cure to this kind of thinking and false belief is forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for what is not your fault, and forgiving those who are actually responsible and/ or.....tried to make you responsible for what was not yours in the first place. I can see quite easily how this can play out especially for those of us with ADHD. The ramifications are almost endless.
Just another a-ha moment that I thought could be useful to someone else as I found it extremely useful for me.
J
Easier in a big family?
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I agree with you that often it's not helpful to put blame on top of the hurt that ADHD and non people cause each other.
Have been thinking of family life now in relation to earlier in history. Could ADHD-non families perhaps have less inbuilt friction and stress if the nuclear family wasn't so isolated? It's always that one partner now, and the other. Between them everything is supposed to happen, and a family life shaped, and everyone is supposed to get their needs met.
What if extended family, or a whole village, could be around on a daily basis and contribute their different abilities? To make that child with neurodivergence feel appreciated and understood even if his parents don't understand him? To make that wife feel connected and happy, even if her marriage is confusing and dysfunctional?
Maybe if we shared our lives with more people, it would take some of the edge off our differences. Maybe so we could stay together with those we love even if their ways don't always make sense to us. I believe we all have things to offer, but we need to be connected to those who get us.
I empathize with you having felt responsible for things that you were too young to bear responsibility for. My heart goes out to that child.
I Think You're Absolutely Right Swedish Coast.
Submitted by J on
Using myself as an example. Being the youngest child by many years meant my older siblings were gone long before I moved away from home. The difference between when my older siblings were there compared after was like night and day. The isolation and lack of support was felt almost immediately. From a modern sociological standpoint, this probably really plays out a lot more than say 100 years ago. A person with ADHD would likely have more support in a traditional large family with extended family member living with or close by.
And thank you very much for your kind words. It's been a long road to acceptance and forgiveness but it also been an education for the better. I'm finally feeling the freedom that comes with the work.
J
You’re making progress
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi J,
I can't comment on the specific nuances of your message. However, I'm seeing a theme that I think is really important, and that is introspection.
You've clearly learned about ADHD and its impacts on others. You're trying to learn, and to build bridges with your loved ones.
As a parent of ADHD kids as well as a non- ADHD with Dx spouse, I agree that the kids are never to blame for any of this. It's up to us with executive function and reasoning skills, combined with those with lived experience, to come up with a collaborative plan to help the next generation.
After all, much good can come from an ADHD mind that is properly supported. I believe that it may even be vastly needed.
Thank you for sharing.