After thinking I had lost the entire relationship with my ADD ex-husband soon-to-be, this weekend I managed to turn things around. Still living with me, and having hurt me badly, he has done nothing to make the last weeks bearable. He hasn't taken initiatives to prepare for the separation either. I've been in agony. Thursday, I decided to go against the impulse to run away for the weekend. Instead I decided to sit down with him, be kind despite everything, and suggest a plan. It worked.

Sure, we're splitting our home, but we've now been working together all weekend on it. All belongings have been divided, even the silliest ones. There was even some joking. Gratitude expressed on both sides. All kinds of little kindnesses. At times crying and hugging. 

This autumn has been the strangest time so far. I'm exhausted today, from the sheer physical act of turning things around. Happy too. Not so deep into thinking of how futile everything has been.

Everything is simultaneously true. I privately think he's more or less ruined my life. I feel the deepest connection with him. He is someone I can trust, and not at all. We are each other's support, and threaten each other's health. I might know him so well, and still have no idea of his thoughts, or what his future life might be like.

Im hoping for a friendship that will sheath our children. It's more important than my pride or sense of justice. 

Only a couple of weeks ago I thought I could never forgive him. Now, such thoughts seem beside the point. It's all about moving along with things, as my woman friend the chaos pilot said. Adapting to reality seems to gain you a strange quality. It's vulnerable. It is also surprisingly attractive. A new version of self is coming forward.

Thank you dear community for the sharing of thoughts and emotions. It helps me immensely to put this into words.