Hi, I'm new to both the wonderful website and this blog. Within 5 minutes of exploring the internet, I came to ADHD and Marriage...and I'm so glad I did. Both my husband and my stepson have ADHD. My stepson lives both at our house and his mom's and at 18 is displaying less of the ADHD symptoms; however, when he lived with us full time, the fights and drama between him and his dad (my husband) were out of control, so although I do miss my stepson not being with us all the time, I don't miss the fighting. However, the reason I'm on this blog, is that I'm finding it so difficult living with my husband. He is a surfer, which in many ways is his therapy and I understand that, without surfing, I would have left a long time ago. However, that is all his life..he gets up at 4.30 and surfs, no work on the house, no help, just an obsession with surfing. Our son's room and garage are places full to the brim with rubbish of my husband's. I can't control these areas, so shut the doors and ignore them. My husband is a hoarder and says so himself. But even though the mess and hoarding is something I can work with, although frustrating, I'm finding his moods and outbursts distressing. We have been married for 12 years and together for 16. It has never been smooth between us and to be honest I initiate most things, dates, trips, outings and sex. My husband is a charming man, can be funny and charismatic. However when he is feeling overwhelmed, which frequently happens (daily) he begins shouting, swearing and even blaming other people, for something which he has broken himself. I love my husband, but after years of this behavior, I'm feeling despondent and thinking I'm a fool to continue. I'm trying to not take this personally, but it's becoming increasingly difficult. We have a 10 year old daughter and the strain is also affecting her. I've tried a variety of methods, mainly calm, but after a while it is frustrating. He appears in a constant state of anxiety or panic. He has never taken medication and never sought help, but I'm at my wits end. When I talk with him calmly about his outbursts he starts getting agitated saying he has to rush, have a shower, eat, surf...never staying still for minutes at a time until he has exhausted himself to the point where he collapses and goes to bed. I'm torn between being sympathetic and trying to understand ADHD, and feeling hurt (at his inappropriateness in public, control over many situations and backtracking after lying) and resentful for putting so much effort into the relationship. I wish my husband well, but don't see how to continue. My energies should be on my daughter (and stepson). Thank you to this website and all those who contribute. I didn't feel alone this morning and reading your blogs has helped me understand some more about this condition.
Frustrated
Submitted by modriscoll on 09/24/2016.
Welcome Modriscoll...
Submitted by Zapp10 on
You sound like you have somewhat of a grip on yourself in responding/reacting to his unaddressed adhd. I so wish I had done better myself when things were going south.
There is ALOT of helpful info on this site and forum. It is MUCH more difficult when denial is present. Best advice I got?......boundaries, when possible let them face the consequences of their actions( let go of "covering"/ "helping"). Stop doing things(where he is concerned) that wear you out. I stumbled around awhile but once I realized what I was doing that I did NOT need to do I saw more and more ways to ....take care of me. That is not being selfish....it is the beginning of healing for me.
I have no presumption if my H and I will stay together. Yes, I DO love him(43 yrs)......but LIVING with him......just not so sure.
I am sorry your H is at the mercy of adhd.....because it is merciless when it is denied. And it is hard to stand by and watch the chaos.
For MoDriscoll
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You describe someone who has not yet come to terms with the ramifications of the impact of ADHD on others, and I'm sorry that you've had to go through this. One of the singly best ways to help people understand that (particularly partners who are in denial) is to take my live couples seminar (link here). I give this three times a year by phone (so anyone can take it anywhere) and as it happens, the next session is soon - starting Oct. 13, 2016. I try hard to provide a respectful and informative place where people can come to terms with their own roles in their marital issues. For your husband, that would mean taking a look at how his ADHD symptoms (including a need for stimulation and/or exercise to calm his brain) impact other members of his family.
You spend some good amount of time on his moods - emotional lability is a part of ADHD for many - that is responding in a heightened, and very fast way to emotional stimulation. This is particularly true of anything that feels critical or demanding, I often see. Your husband's response (anger or fleeing) is classic. However, if you notice manic swings, it's possible that he actually has bipolar. See my treatment guide for information about how to tell the difference.
As you probably understand, you can't change some of his behaviors...only he can. I hope you consider the course as one way to get him to consider why that's so important and....that it CAN be done if he invests himself in it.