I'm trying to figure out how to communicate with my husband but I don't want to dwell on him. Whenever I communicate about my feelings about relationship issues, he fires back with bitter and snarky comments. But if I communicate about an issue (e.g., money) and request a response and I don't say anything about my feelings, he doesn't respond. Yesterday, he said in an email that he is less likely to respond to my messages if they contain "negative asides." Unfortunately, it is hard to determine what he considers a "negative aside" to be. For example, I asked him to get paid this week (he works for his dad and gets paid in cash and doesn't seem to be on a regular payment schedule; he was last paid one month ago). No response. Is this no response because my husband thinks money is a negative topic?
Frustrated about communication
Submitted by PoisonIvy on 06/19/2014.
Use large grain of salt here...
Submitted by Standing on
Thanks, Standing. I agree
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thanks, Standing. I agree with you. Here are the factors, among others: my husband does not like asking to get paid; my father-in-law does not like to pay my husband; my father-in-law insists on paying in cash because he thinks he's getting one over on the government this way [note to FIL: I report all my husband's income and we pay taxes on it]; my husband seems to feel as though his manhood is being attacked because I make more money than he does but he makes no effort to bring in more income; I pay all the bills and ask for reimbursement for joint expenses because my husband has a problem with paying bills; etc., etc., etc.
So, I try to make messages about money as direct and nonemotional as possible. But I don't think it's acceptable to ignore the issue. Here is what I think my husband's fantasy is: that I don't ask him about money, that I pay all the bills and don't ask for reimbursement, that he get paid by his father and keep all the money for himself.
"Here is what I think my
Submitted by redhead1017 on
"Here is what I think my husband's fantasy is: that I don't ask him about money, that I pay all the bills and don't ask for reimbursement, that he get paid by his father and keep all the money for himself."
LOL my husband is living that fantasy, well, at least he *thinks* he is. All he knows is that the bills magically get paid, the 401k magically gets funded, the life insurance magically gets paid, etc. He's never even expressed interest in any of these things, I've had to set every last thing up. All he cares about is if he can continue to go on his little eBay shopping sprees.
Money is a hard topic to talk about WITHOUT the extra challenge of ADHD. I know that the irresponsibility and immaturity of my own husband, along with his ADHD challenges, has made it a topic that is completely off-limits in my house. For example - a few years back we owed some back taxes (all of which I've worked VERY hard to pay off without any help from him). He has always told me that all of his collectibles - which take up two storages, a two-car garage, and the entire bottom half of our house - will be my nest egg when he passes. So when I asked him if he could sell some of this stuff to take care of our tax bill, not only did he pout for a week but he told me that "none of it is worth anything" and "he wouldn't be able to sell it". So when I ask for help, it's not worth anything, but magically it will be worth something when you pass away? And thanks for giving me that extra added burden of trying to sell all your stuff, I'm SURE that will be super helpful when I'm trying to deal with all the stuff that happens when someone in your family dies. >insert sarcastic smiley face here<
We actually had a financial advisor confront him about not jumping in to help with all his stuff to help pay the taxes, and his response was to mumble that we were just out to get him, and he didn't talk to me for a week. That was several years ago. We haven't talked about money once since then because it's easier for me to take care of it.
Which is actually one of the biggest issues I had with Melissa's book, although I did appreciate the overall message. How do you get an ADHD partner to accept responsibility for this kind of stuff if he never is employed, refuses to take part in future financial planning, and will not take part in any conversations about money? I get the idea of letting them live the consequences, but in most cases (including mine), this would mean dire financial straits (debt, homelessness, no savings, etc.). If I had let him "take the consequences" of his chronic unemployment, it wouldn't be HIM that would be affected, it would be me and the kids!
Rosered, I definitely agree
Submitted by Standing on
Rosered, I definitely agree that ignoring the issue is not acceptable, but I have not found a good way to address it.
And I know what you mean about keeping such messages as direct and nonemotional as possible. Problem is, when ADD does not want to address something…. Well… fuhget about it ;)
Has your husband actually said that he feels inferior to you because your income is higher?
I ask because – the more I learn about the differences in thought patterns between ADD and non-ADD, the more I have been questioning many of my own suppositions. I mean, just because that’s the way I might look at “it” (whatever “it” is), doesn’t mean that ever occurred to my husband. In many ways, I’m finding that his thought patterns are far simpler than my own. This does not fit with some of his behavior that I view as highly manipulative, but I’m still working on that puzzle. Anyhow, what I am getting at is – I am not sure that money is a concern to him at all, whether much or little or from what source. It’s like cash or credit are only a tool for satisfying whatever impulse might spring to life from moment to moment and not given any more consideration than that.
Your thoughts about your husband’s fantasy sound so familiar! Trouble is – I think ADD has perfected the means for making this fantasy his personal reality by absolutely refusing to acknowledge the topic altogether… whether it’s money or messiness or whatever. I know that my husband is expert at converting, in his mind, his good intention into having the same weight and effect as if he had actually Done the good thing, so - - any attempt on my part to raise a concern is interpreted as an attack on his version of reality. Argh.
Thanks for the responses.
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thanks for the responses. Standing, I can't remember if my husband has said that he feels inferior because I make more money. I just get that sense because of what I know about him otherwise. You are right that it can be a bad idea to make assumptions about people.
Money is a concern to my husband. He has said that to me. He has said that it's a difficult topic to discuss. I have acknowledged that and responded that I try to make the topic as routine and normal as possible. (I believe that if one cooperates in ignoring or hiding or burying a difficult topic, one is agreeing that it is too hot to handle.)
My husband also is increasingly direct about telling me that if I bring up "negative asides" (i.e., any topic he finds unpleasant), he will likely not respond.
Exactly my response...very
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Exactly my response...very well said. Your skepticism is mine as well.
Rose, my only advice to you is to say "if at all possible, we really need for you to see if you can get paid this week" and STOP feeling bad or questioning your presentation or what you may have or may not have said or done differently. Who cares? He's a grown man. If you asking him to see if he can get paid, after a freakin month, is enough to piss him off then he's too easily pissed off and needs to get over himself.
I am not convinced that there is any real way to communicate anything other than saying what you need to say in a very short and concise way and then letting God handle it from there. Over time they learn to view anything and everything that comes out of our mouths as negative, critical and invalid. Sometimes for valid reasons. But it is up to us to stop this maddening cycle of trying to communicate with those who are incapable (most of the time) of hearing us out. I nagged and begged and emailed long winded emails for years. I finally just stopped. I handle issues on my own as best as I can with the main goal of protecting the family in mind. I tell him how I feel and I just have to have Faith that God will deal with him. You'll see in my other response where my attempts to get answers from him about things have gotten me lately. I handed it to God and said "I'm done dealing with him" God doesn't need my help, but I sure do need His.
To me, expecting communication when the negativity cloud looms over the entire relationship is about like expecting a frog to turn into a prince. Learn to be happy with saying what needs to be said quickly and moving on. and Pray.