Submitted by SunnyNights0909 on 08/14/2008.
I am so utterly frustrated. I've spent the past year in a relationship with a newly diagnosed ADD partner. Since his diagnosis, all he has done is use medication to cope with the results ADD can have on his life, work, and our relationship. I suggested in December of last year, in addition to using medication, that he should think about learning about ADHD, and understand it better. He said that he would definitely do some research to gain a better understanding, but until this day, he has yet to do any research. I am so frustrated because when we are on track, things are great. We've spoken about marriage, but I am not sure if our relationship will even be able to reach that point because he has not learned to manage his ADD. It has gotten to the point where its more and more difficult to remain patient. I've done alot on my part, and continue up until this day to continue my education so that I can manage how I react to things, and to him. At this point, I'm beginning to feel that I am wasting my time, as I feel that the success of our relationship will require both of us taking on the responsibility of learning how to manage the ADD in our relationship. He tells me that he wants to and knows that he has to do it, but wanting to do it and actually doing it are two different things. He doesn't take the steps to even start. I really don't know what to do. I can easily take control of the situation and think about the biggest issues in our relationship and brainstorm methods, then present the information to him to get his thoughts; but I feel that I am enabling him, or being a parent; it also leaves me feeling that he really doesn't have enough enthusiam or really WANT to do it at all. I'm frustrated because I do love him, I know we could have a successful future but what can more can I do?
Your Instincts Are Right
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Your instincts sound very good. You know how much you care for this man, yet you are frustrated in that you don't feel that he is being a good partner to you. This is the classic issue at the heart of these relationships, and it is good that you have discovered your feelings before you have tied the knot. You can, at least, deal with them pre-marriage and, if you can't resolve your unease, stay unmarried (you can stay unmarried and in a relationship with him...but things are harder after marriage because expectations change...not to mention financial issues.)
Your partner needs to understand now that you are having potentially relationship ending issues with his inability to follow through. He should seek treatment (or additional treatment) for his ADD NOW before it is too late for the two of you. This may mean coaching (an effective way to get someone else to do the "dirty work" of reminding him to follow through on his promises). Think of a coach as an excellent personal secretary and behavioral therapist all tied up in one...
My husband's three-step approach to dealing with ADD (which he has) is 1.) understand you have it 2.) understand the degree that it affects those around you (i.e. much more than you think - the ADD person has to really open their eyes in this step) and 3.) decide that because you love those around you you must do something about it. He says that by far the hardest step is step 2 - a person with ADD has to really work hard to internalize the impact that their behaviors have on their partners.
But, the truth is, if he can't get through this step, you may not be able to remain as a couple. You've seen it already ("I'm beginning to feel that I'm wasting my time"), so you have very little to lose by helping him learn a bit more about his ADHD. Consider reading about ADD to him at night for 15 minutes before you go to bed, or perhaps buying him the audio of Hallowell's Delivered from Distraction to listen to in the car on the way to or from work. Also, it's probably time for the "You need to be making progress controlling your ADD symptoms because they are getting in the way" conversation.
Set yourself some parameters - what is "success" for you? Do you just expect to see that he starts to make improvement, or are you looking for more? Within what time frame?
Then, give yourself permission to bow out of the relationship if you find that it isn't all that you want...before you tie the knot.
Melissa Orlov
Thank you for your response
Submitted by SunnyNights0909 on
Keep from Breaking Up?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Some random thoughts:
First, if your guy works at home, don't interupt him during working hours unless you have specific invitation from him to do so. Working at home doesn't mean that someone gets to take more breaks...pretend he's at the office.
Second, you can't make him want to make these changes. From how you've described it, it seems as if you have put a huge amount of effort into trying to get him to change...and there lies the rub. What you need is a man with whom you are happy in the first place. The biggest marriage mistake that people make - ADD or no ADD - is thinking that things will change after they get married. This leads to almost inevitable unhappiness. You cannot make someone else change. He has to decide that it is in his best interests to be a certain way - in this case that would be a certain way that complements your own style and makes your relationship work. You've seen with his dedication to work that when he sets his mind to it he can do things - he just hasn't set his mind to "fixing" what you think is wrong with him because it just doesn't bother him that much.
One of the strange dynamics in these relationships is that the harder you try to change him, the more resistant to change he will be. Also, the "meaner" and more "unreasonable" you seem. When you try to change him, you communicate to him that he isn't good enough, that you don't love him, and that he is lacking. Not good! You also build up a reserve of frustration that then turns into anger and disappointment. Now, think about when you were a kid. Did you want to be with your parents when they were either angry or disappointed with you? Not likely. Not a big surprise that he doesn't want to be with you right now, either.
It is a common misperception that it is the non-ADD partner's job to "change" the ADD spouse...after all, it's "for their own good". Not so.
You DO have a job to do in this relationship, but it isn't the one you've been doing. First and foremost, stop trying to change him. You can't change him, or even force him to change, and the fallout of trying hurts everyone, including yourself. Accept that if he is sufficiently motivated by love he will make the effort to change himself...if not, then he won't.
Second, stop defining success as staying together. Redefine success for you as being happy. That means - start acting like yourself again (instead of a mother or a nag - which is definitely not a happy place to be). If he responds to you and decides that you're more fun than working, you'll find he's back in your life. If he doesn't respond to the "good" you, then you'll know that the two of you are not a good fit.
Third, start thinking "carrot" rather than "stick". Or, if you prefer, "honey attracts the bees". It doesn't surprise me he doesn't want to have contact with you right now - you are demanding and insistent about his inadequacies....But what if he perceived you as "fun" and "wonderful" and "interesting" instead? Just like the old days?
If you find after all of this that you still aren't a good fit, then it's time to let this relationship go. At that point, he can either make it a good fit by changing his behavior, or you can move on to something else.
Melissa Orlov
I appreciate your thoughts
Submitted by SunnyNights0909 on