I'm a 57 yr old man diagnosed w ADHD in my forties. I've been married 14 years and we have a 12 yr old daughter. This is the first marriage for both of us. In the beginning, our vast differences (her type A personality and my left brain ADHD) were complimentary and sometimes funny. We even worked together for a few years at my creative agency. But after about 5 years, as the household and familial challenges increased, our differences began to divide us. What I'm struggling with is, I feel I'm mindful and respectful about how my ADHD can be disruptive and a source of our various disputes, but when is it OK for me to stand up for myself and say, "OK, I've owned this. But it frustrates me to always have a finger pointing at me and my ADHD when something is 'wrong' between us." In addition to having ADHD, I'm a pretty decent guy that exhibits and behaves in many neurotypical ways. Does anyone else struggle with this?
Frustrating in being the "identified patient"
Submitted by sandman57 on 03/04/2023.
Thank you for sharing
Submitted by kosty on
I just turned 57 yesterday, and my husband and I have have been together for 20 years. He is in denial about his ADHD, so I commend you for acknowledging that you have ADHD. Unfortunately, I do this a lot with my husband point the finger at him and blame his ADHD on things that is wrong between us, and I know I should not, as it is not his fault he has the ADHD but just my thought, I don't know if I would if he would recognize that he has an issue, plus I'm learning through doing a ton of reading how to handle it but if you are a non-adhd person it is very hard. I hope you and your wife can find common ground, and learn how to live with it that is what I'm trying to do. I also think you should stand up for yourself and say hey I've owned that I have ADHD, maybe learn out it and that could help her. Good Luck.
re: your comment
Submitted by sandman57 on
Thanks!!
I wonder if you could ask for
Submitted by newgf on
I wonder if you could ask for your wife to remind you of the things she appreciates about your efforts when you're feeling frustrated that a finger is pointing at you too much? I'm actually interested what you think, since I wonder if reminding my ADHD boyfriend about things I like more would make a difference. He complains about the same thing.
I think I will have to continue talking with him about how his ADHD relates to problems in our relationship, since I don't think it's going to go away. But I don't know how often it would be helpful to remind him about the more positive things I think about, like the efforts he makes and nice things he does, and things he's successful with.
Sure do!
Submitted by GD on
My wife and I have the same dynamic in our relationship - the further we went, the more my ADHD became apparent. We've been married 45 years and everyday I struggle with keeping the counterproductive part of ADHD, at bay. I too have owned it but, I'm still responsible for the repercussions that it causes.
Going through life with mindfulness is no easy task for the neurodiverse, we need to have a little more introspection and better understanding of our behaviors and just how they're affecting others. If my wife points out something that I missed, overlooked or just plain forgot about, I'm open to feedback but, if I believe that she may have had a misunderstanding, then I tell her that it wasn't an 'ADHD moment' but rather done for a reason. Whether she accepts that, is totally on her.