Can anyone offer me advice on how I can leave my relationship with my ADHD husband? It's gets worse by the day. He has and is destroying me and my life. He says he can't help himself and I cry everyday because I'm being abused. We're not even married a year and its getting worse to the point I have suicidal thoughts.
I don't know how to end it and I need to save myself. We are living with my parents because he lost his job and refuses to work. I have a very good job and launched my own company on the side. We have quite a bit of debt that we collected together but its all in my name. He also detroyed my new car...he got into an accident but I paid to get that fixed but now he burnt the engine and its 6k so add that to the 20k I owe on the car plus the credit card debt. I seem to get ahead and then financial burdens come about due to him.
I miss being happy, I miss having someone be nice to me, I miss just being me. I'm at the lowest point I've ever been.
I beg you all to please give me any advice. How do I know if we seperate that he will help paying the bills...I've carried all the weight and its not fair for me to take such a large burden. I'm maxed out with my time, wellbeing and finances.
I'm looking for a game plan...steps I should take to get moving in the right direction. I'm all ears so please all your advice will be greatly appreciate.
Thank you.
is this ADHD or something worse
Submitted by Dan on
Hello, I read your post, and feel awful for you. Are you sure your husband has ADHD, or something worse? No offense, but maybe he is just a bad apple. There are plenty of good men with ADHD, and then there are some men gone rotten that seem to have symptoms of ADHD.
By the way, here is my forum thread: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/find-volunteer-slapper-your-husband-and-reason
Go to the part of the thread, where I listed the good traits (in moderation) of ADD/ADHD, and the bad traits that may override them. If your husband doesn't have even half of the good traits, then maybe he's just a bad apple and thank God you don't yet have children in this mix, maybe it's time to get out or at least serious counseling while you are still young. Take care.
Yes he has pretty bad ADHD,
Submitted by hope09 on
Yes he has pretty bad ADHD, anger issues, plus an abusive childhood and addictive genes. I came from such a normal loving family and its so weird that I sit here and I can say to myself...maybe I'm crazy and overreacting. With the recipe he's been dealt he's just a cruel person. I thought he was bipolar but a few docs diagnosed him with ADHD...honestly he's probably as bad as it gets. I'm so angry at myself for thinking that it would get better and getting married. I knew better and I'm too forgiving of faults. I married a very critical, rotten, selfish person who has addictions and impulses from sex to drugs have destroyed us and my self worth. I think he's even addicted to yelling at me daily.
I loved him so much that I looked at him and wanted a little boy like him that I can coddle and love...provide him with everything my husband didn't have. How foolish I feel. Although he doesn't think so, he trained me like a puppy.
I don't even want to go to counseling because I feel like its prolongig the inevitable. He can't even stick to therapy himself and always ends up hating his doctor. He needs mood stabilizers in addition to his antideppresant but its a constant cloud and rollercoaster and denial he has a problem. My wake up call is being sick with Lymes and he says I don't give a f*ck about your heath...was that said out of anger, impulse or is it his real feelings? Like how can one go one living life and trying to decode the madness.
He was infatuated with me because I was something new and exciting. Now he says that being with me is annoying and he hates the attention I get. Like sick sick sick weird things that he holds against me when I can't control behaviors of other people. He's so jealous so insecure and here I am...gave a million percent for what? It hasn't made me a better person. It's not giving me a better outlook on life at least in the nearterm.
It's so hard when you've been lying to yourself and others about your life and to hear it from strangers that this isn't right really helps me clear my head and focus on me.
Maybe there are good ADHD'ers but I feel like if I were ever to meet anyone again they are going to have to fill out an indepth health form of family history, their diseases...I just can't come to this place again. I was never one to judge or stigmatize but I'm not sure I can hold myself to that standard any longer.
I appreciate both of the responses and I will check out that link. Thanks so much for taking the time to listen and respond.
get legal advice
Submitted by arwen on
Hope09, I'm sorry you are in such a dreadful situation. I have been lucky to never have had to deal with a spouse who had addiction or experienced abuse growing up. I can't imagine staying in a relationship with a man who behaves as your husband does. I was ready to leave mine with less provocation.
If you haven't already, you may want to get professional legal advice from a lawyer who specializes in divorce, and preferably one who understands something about ADD/ADHD.
I know you feel you don't want to go to counseling right now, but I really urge you to reconsider. This is a very difficult time for you, and professional counseling can be a real help. Good luck!
Leaving
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You should call the local abuse hotline and talk with them about specific things you can do to leave your abusive relationship. They should have lots of experience in helping you make a plan.
There are no guarantees that your husband will pay his fair share of the debt after you leave him, but it seems likely that he will continue to amass greater debt if you stay. However, your legal agreement with him can stipulate what he should be paying. After that, if he doesn't pay, then you can take him to court. This is a pain, but the courts can dock his paychecks, etc., when he is employed. Also, don't take on any more debt in your name. Second, get yourself some significant support. You mention that you are living with your parents but don't mention whether or not they are supportive. If they are, they can help relieve some of your emotional burden. A good counselor can do the same or, less expensively, a good support group in the area. Check with CHADD and ADDA to see if there are any spouse support groups near you.
The suicidal thoughts are a warning sign - don't ignore them - get help immediately. Also, share that you are having them with someone who loves you (parents, close friend) so they can support your getting help (when you are depressed sometimes it's hard to take your "emergency" seriously enough to really go out and seek help. Another supportive person can help get you motivated.)
This relationship doesn't sound salvageable to me.