One of the most common problems in couples in general and in couples where there is ADD in particular is the inability to make changes. This is vexing because, as they say in AA, if nothing changes, nothing changes.
Before the couple gets help, what usually develops is a process of mutual blame. The minute a conflict arises, each member of the couple hunkers down in a self-protective, defensive posture that says, “It’s your fault, not mine.” Soon the phrase gets added, “Why bother even trying? This situation is hopeless.” Each member of the couple feels isolated, lonely, misunderstood, angry, and at a loss for what to do next other than separate or simply muddle miserably on.
The step I advise is to get help. You need a referee to help you get your feelings out on the table, to help you listen to what the other person is saying, to help you discuss options for change before you shut down and say it’s hopeless, and, not least of all, to inject some positive energy into your world.
Some people dismissively call such therapy cheerleading. I call it loving. It is the most powerful therapy there is. I try to offer the people who come to see me the kind of love I can offer, as a therapist. This means I try to find what’s good in each person and what’s good in the relationship. I try to find ways of helping each person develop understanding for of the other person’s point of view. I try to rekindle the respect and affection that once suffused the relationship. I try to help each member of the couple laugh and relax, untighten their jaws, let go of their hunkered down posture, and find a safe place to begin to initiate change.
In a crucible of forbearance, respect, honesty, and open talk, people rediscover love. It is magnificent to see.
- NedHallowell's blog
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Comments
You Describe Our Situation Exactly
Submitted by Looking4Help on
Dr. Hallowell - you describe our situation exactly. One of us struggles with ADD (my wife) and one does not (me). We have gotten to the point where we frequently fight - unkindly, to boot. We are blaming each other - I blame her for her inability to deal with distractions, and she blames me for "always wanting what I want when I want it." We both feel like we are trying very hard - she is working on being a better communicator and on being more available, and I am working on criticizing less and complimenting more. And we are both working on finding time together - we now schedule one date night a week, and also one night a week of "together time" - sometimes to coordinate schedules, sometimes to watch a DVD together or play a board game we like, and sometimes to talk about our relationship (including reading your book, doing your 30 minute exercises, discussing Melissa's Weekly marriage tip, etc.). And yet - we still have terrible fights. We are at the point where we both agree we can't do it alone and we need help. I think it would be great if we could find a therapist who understands the issues in a marriage where one person has ADD and the other doesn't, and I also think my wife (and our marriage) would benefit if she were to work with a coach. She's reading about ADD but needs help applying what she learns - and I can't be her coach. It just doesn't work. I'm not sure we can afford both right now - in terms of both time AND money, so I'm thinkig we should start with a therapist. Doeas that make sense to you? Do you know of anyone you might recommend in the DC/northern VA area?
Non-ADD wife can't accept my limitations
Submitted by Designer Dad on
I've known for over 15years that I have ADD but have never been diagnosed.
As a manager in a company I have always leaned on others to be more organized than me and provide the support I need. Even in school I studied with good note-takers, because I was not. I was able to use their notes and the texts to explain concepts they did not grasp as quickly.
I similarly chose a wife (10 years ago) who makes up for my shortcomings in that area.
My wife is super-organized and efficient in household chores. she cannot comprehend my difficulties in accomplising those tasks and takes my inefficiencies and forgetfulness as signs of both laziness and not caring about what is important to her. I've tried counseling but she is not interested.
I haven't mentioned the ADD issue to her in years--for her it's just an excuse.
I've asked her to act as my coach to help me remember until habits are formed but she just says I need to care enough to remember on my own.
My wife is always angry about something I forgot--even as i'm contributing more than ever around the house but it is still never enough. It has gotten to a point where she is pushing me away and I want to be patient with her but I'm feeling us growing apart and if something doesn't change we will only continue to drift apart until one of us leaves. We have three children and we don't want to break up this family but I don't know how to keep it together anymore--I feel like one hand clapping--and that no amount of change will be enough for her.
Are our differences just too great to overcome? Is there a way to get through to her? Is there a way for me to change?
Any guidance would be most appreciated--especially examples of what others did to get through similar difficulties.
limitations
Submitted by Steph on
DD, my advice to you is to find and use strategies and tools on your own. Maybe once you show effort on your own part she will be more likely to jump in and help you once in a while. It seems from your post that you have a lifelong history of riding other's coat tails in order to survive. You need to take initiative and take responsibility for your own disability. You should hire an ADD coach and not ask your wife to be your coach. You need a neutral 3rd party for that. Your wife will respect you for all your efforts I am sure.
There are plenty of books with great ideas for you. Read them. Use them, not other people to get you through life. Its your disability, not theirs.
I hate to say it, DD, but I
Submitted by tazangel36 on
I hate to say it, DD, but I think Steph is right. This doesn't excuse your wife's anger, and she might have to "suck it up" and get her own help for that. But I think taking whatever steps you can take for yourself is a huge step forward for you. You can't make her happy, no matter what you do, and it's not your responsibility to make her happy; it's hers. By the same token, it's not her job to make you happy; it's yours.
It's very easy for the "nons" to look at ADHD behaviors with contempt, thinking that the ADHD-ers are just being lazy, making excuses, etc. And when you say that you want other people to step in and do things for you that the "nons" do for themselves all the time, it's even easier to think you're just making excuses. I'm not saying you are, just addressing the perception. And that may be all your wife is seeing: her perception of how things are.
I applaud you for wanting to address your behaviors, and wanting to take steps to correct them; so many ADHD-ers can't/won't take personal responsibility. But now it's time for you to not only take charge of your disease; it's time for you and your wife to make some positive memories together.
Schedule, and carry-out, date nights. Attend a cooking class, an art class, a wine tasting, a play or ballet, together. Have a quiet dinner together to reconnect, to start rekindling the romance and move beyond the negative affects ADHD can have on a marriage. It's time to find your love again. She might balk at first, but be persistent and loving. I am firmly convinced that date nights, combined with effort to tackle ADHD, is what has removed a lot of the resentment from my marriage. Hope it works for you!
details please
Submitted by Designer Dad on
Thank you both for your help.
Steph:
could you (or anyone) please name just a couple of those books with great ideas? I'm willing to try anything. For the longest time I just figured I had to accept the limitations. Are you suggesting they can be overcome? Even just mitigated? Seems like a pipe dream to me right now.
Taz, you put your finger on the hot button. It's the contempt that hurts most, not even the anger.
Date nights have not worked lately--she's withdrawn so far, but I will keep trying.
i am relatively high functioning, but I have three primary issues.
1. I cannot organize things. I look at a messy counter and struggle to figure out where each item goes. I spent 7 hours cleaning the kitchen Sunday. It would have taken my wife just one. I cannot be efficient in that area.
2. I forget things. I don't forget in the sense that I don't know what happened or what I should do if asked. I have good recall. I just can't will myself to recall on schedule. Saturday night I might remember the phone call I was supposed to return on Thursday. When my wife and I run in to her friend Jane Doe, I will THEN remember to tell my wife that Jane called 2 weeks ago to see if she wanted to go out last Tuesday.
3. I procrastinate. Nuff said.
Thanks again, and if you have specific books, movies, date ideas to recommend to engage ourselves, I would be most grateful.
DD
Submitted by Steph on
First let me say that I applaud your interest in trying to get things to work for you and your wife.
That being said, here are some books that I found helpful that may help you as well:
ADD and Romance -Halverstadt
ADD and the Nature of Self-Control -Barkley
Also I can understand your 3 points above. They are relatively easy to change.
1. I think the more often you do it, you will be able to find the place where everything goes quicker. Put away the items that you know where they go first, then finish up the other items. Curious, what kind of items are they that you don't know where they go??
2. Use a calander on the fridge, or datebook, or palm pilot for scheduling issues and look at it multiple times daily! Put a pad and pencil by the phone and immediately...IMMEDIATELY... write down any messages then transfer any appts or events to the master calendar. Talk about the day's schedule the night before at dinner so you are on the same page for the following day and also as a double check so that nothing is forgotten.
3. Just do it.. now. It will save you tons of time and stress in the long run. I am getting my hubby used to putting things away NOW as opposed to wasting an entire weekend cleaning up the mess in his office. It was hard to break him of that habit of doing it later but it really was just that, a habit that needed to be broken. Just do it! ;-)
I have faith that you will be able to change, somewhat overcome, and definitely manage the impact ADD has on your marriage and other relationships, because I guarantee that it negatively impacts your other relationships even if they don't complain to you about it. Its all up to you though. Its your disability and its up to you to take control and learn how you need to compensate for your shortcomings on your own and how to manage what you call your limitations. I am sure your wife will recognize this and your interactions with each other will change for the better. Remember: You can only change yourself.
DD, you sound a lot like my
Submitted by tazangel36 on
DD, you sound a lot like my husband :-) He is relatively high-functioning, can't organize, forgets things, and procrastinates. Heck, I procrastinate, too.
My young son also has ADHD, and when he's given a big job without specific guidelines, he pitches a fit. Why? Because it's overwhelming. So, if you have a regular job like cleaning the kitchen, why not make yourself a cheat sheet and post it where you clean, breaking the job into smaller pieces? Like, put all trash into the trash can. Put all food where it belongs. Get extra items into their proper place (notebooks, keys, toys, etc.). And keep going down the list until you've addressed each item in the chore. Then, set a timer for 15 minutes, go through your checklist, when the timer goes off take a 5-10 minute break, then go back to your chore. This technique has helped my son tackle complex chores, if not with more grace, then with more success.
Organization is a series of steps, followed by routine maintenance. To organize your desk, for example, take the technique I outlined earlier, and then create a place for everything that needs to stay in your ofice/desk. Once you're organized, then set aside a 15-minute period every day to re-organize that space.
To organize your life, again, it's a series of small steps. Enlist the help of a planner, or notebook, or PDA to keep appointments, phone numbers, reminders, lists, etc. Create a daily to-do list that you can easily refer back to, and cross off each item as it gets done. I don't have ADHD, and I find this to be an invaluable tool.
For your wife, maybe start by making a heartfelt card. You'd be suprised at the thawing power that holds over a woman's heart! Good luck, DD!
Ideas for Help
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
too late?
Submitted by Designer Dad on
My wife isn't talking to me any more. i said goodbye to my kids yesterday. she came back but isn't talking.
Kisses? She hasn't allowed me to kiss her more than a peck in two months.
i do everything i am asked and more---it takes me a long time and even that is too much for her to bare. any talk of ADD is just an excuse to her.
any suggestions for hail mary moves? show her this blog? any movies about these issues? chick flick anyone?
is it too late or are we just not compatible? i love her and maybe she just can't take me. would the loving move be to let her go?
I don't want to give up on my kids. they need me, and i need them too. i also need a wife, and she needs a husband. if we can't be that to each other are we doing our kids any favors?
i need some hope here, and i'm seeing lots of great advice but i'm wondering is it too late? What can i do that doesn't require intimacy or affection, or to move back towards those things, which are long gone?
with broken heart in hand,
I thank you all for your well wishes.
Hail Mary Moves
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
There aren't any hail Mary moves, unless your wife has indicated that there are and you just aren't doing them (which doesn't sound as if this is the case here). She has to be willing to receive them, as you've seen with the kissing. But I'm confused. You're wife left...but why does that mean you have to give up on your kids? You're their Dad - you have a right to continue to have a meaningful relationship with them, even if you don't have one with her. Furthermore, they need you to continue to have that relationship. What does that relationship look like? Don't know - you'll have to craft it - but something where you are still a force for good in their lives.
If she's talking about separation or divorce (you aren't explicit about this) then you might try what's called a "controlled separation" - this is one in which you sit down together and understand all of the expectations of the separation...from very basic (do you still have a key to the house? What to do with the bank accounts?) to the scary (can you date other people? What would it take to get back together?) These things can be sorted out up front by the two of you together.
But whether it's separation or divorce, for the sake of yourself, and your kids, get your ADHD managed as well is it can possibly be managed. Don't give up until you know it's no longer getting in your way. Continue to shower your kids with love and ATTENTION (what kids need most - same with spouses). Be there for them when they need it. Create fun times together. To do this well you'll have to make sure your ADD is well managed - else you'll likely get distracted.
So I'm urging you to take control of your life - not in a "hail Mary" type one-time effort, but in a long-term, dedicated, I'm not going to let events run my life sort of way. That's the best you can do at this point. If you are fortunate, taking control of yourself will also lead to an easier relationship with your wife (or ex-wife, or whatever she ends up being) and with your kids. But whatever you do, don't give up on the kids. They don't deserve to be abandoned.
Do you even love your wife?
Submitted by Sueann on
Your description of your marriage sounds like your wife is one of your employees. I think you can pick employees because they make up for things you lack, like organization. But if you pick a wife on that basis, without an emotional connection, nothing ever will be enough for her. She will always feel like the marriage is empty
Your wife feels, like a lot of non-ADHD folks (including me) that if you loved her, you'd do these things on your own. I know that's not really true, but it sure feels like it. I'm physically limited, and I want him to just know that I'm afraid of the laundry room steps and do the laundry without me nagging him. He never will get to that point, I don't think. I've had to learn to understand that I'm not going to get what most wives get from their husbands and to be ok with that. It is really very hard.
I agree with the other posters that you need to learn these skills on your own and show her that you are trying. I doubt you will ever be organized as she is, but the effort will make your wife feel better.
i don't appreciate that line of thought
Submitted by Designer Dad on
i'm grateful for all the feedback but Sueann you don't know me and should not judge based on a short post. For the record:
We're not on the edge but i don't want to wait until it gets there. I see some destructive patterns and it seems that we are going in the wrong direction after I thought we had made progress.
I know she feels that I would if....I don't even mind that she gets mad. It's just that she stays mad so long...and so distant. This makes the marriage feel empty to me.
I love her more than anything and I know she loves me, but right now I just feel that I'm only making her miserable. That thought breaks my heart every day.
A different angle
Submitted by Ren on
DD -- I think Sueann was (perhaps unintentionally) harsh, but let me suggest an alternative way of looking at it.
It probably feels to you that you have always been this way -- even when you and your wife met -- and that she is now not accepting you for who you are and wants you to change. That is very difficult for you, I am sure.
But consider it from your wife's perspective. When you were courting, yes, you were probably disorganized and had trouble keeping a lot of it together, but you were also very focused on her. So any shortcomings you had in the organizational arena were probably compensated for in the emotional arena, because you likely spent a lot of time talking to her, doing things with her, maybe even giving her special gifts or going out of your way to do the things you are good at that she appreciated.
Fast forward ten years. Do you still do the things you did when you were courting her? Do you still talk with her, spend a lot of time with her, give her cards or small tokens of affection, go out of your way to say, cook her dinner or take her to the movie she's been dying to see? Probably not -- most couple don't sustain this type of romance, and for ADDers in particular it's common for the focus to drift even further after marriage.
The problem is that without these emotional signs of love, she is left with only what you contribute to the household and organizationally as a sign that you are even still present. In other words, she is probably desperately looking for signs that you care, are interested, and still love her, and since the emotional signals aren't there, she is relying on you remembering this, or doing that -- all of the things that you were not so great at from the beginning (but that she didn't mind, or overlooked, or even loved, at the time, because you were such a great guy!). The problem is exacerbated if you have kids, because she is likely exhausted from doing most of the caretaking in the house, you have even less time to spend together, and she doesn't want another child (I don't mean that as an insult, just as an explanation for why she might be unwilling to "coach" you -- it's really too much to feel like you have to monitor one more thing, especially if you have kids). Yes, she's mad that you're not doing or following through on "executive" functions, but probably, deep down inside, she is probably angry that she doesn't have a true partner.
I think that she would be much more forgiving of your shortcomings in the executive/organizational arena if you ramped up your efforts in the emotional arena. Talk to her, and listen. Try to understand how she has been feeling. Do things to let her know she is special, like cooking her dinner or giving her a card with a special note. Surprise her with tickets to something. Get to know what some of her challenges are at work, and ask her about them, or celebrate her successes. I can guarantee that if she begins to feel like you are a partner to her emotionally, she will be much, much, less angry at what you can't deliver to her organizationally.
This, by the way, can help explain why you don't have the same problems with work and friends -- they didn't choose to live with you forever as a soul mate! Their expectations are much less, emotionally-speaking, and so they can let a lot more things slide than your wife. Incidentally, my guess is that you are probably pretty successful at work and in other areas, which makes your wife think that it's a matter of you not prioritizing her and your family, not the ADD.
You should definitely try to get coaching and manage the ADD as much as you can, as your wife still needs help with chores, etc. And, if she is like me, she has her own "stuff" to work on, like being less of a perfectionist and not expecting you to do things the exact same way, or as good as, she would (Dr. Hallowell has the "good enough" standard, which is something I have been trying to accept and embrace). But, as I said, you'll find a more forgiving environment overall if you try to think of it less as changing your ADD and more as connecting emotionally with your wife.
I hope this helps!
different angle
Submitted by newfdogswife on
Well put, Ren. I think this would be valuable read for everyone, whether ADD is involved or not! It takes alot of work and ongoing effort. Sadly, so many of us were not taught this as part of our upbringing and just sort of winged it as we have lived our lives. Now with all of the various resources hopefully future generations will at least have a chance to make better choices in their relationships.
Communication and lying
Submitted by rpayton1215 on
Are some ADD people, good lyers? I have tried to live with my wife's ADD by reading books, interviews, and learning tolerance. However, i could not get her to a counselor who specializes in it. We recently went to a family therapist, who after the second meeting, said she could not help us. The main problem is addressing the facts. It seems the wall she has built up, so strong, that she creates her own facts in each situation. I knew a counselor could not help, because she is so good at lying to herself and others to cover up her syptoms. Yet, I have to live with them and can overlook, as long as the behavior is not destructive. her impulsiveness and overactivety has caused serious financial problems that we cannot resolve. She won't accept the reality and if she does, will not remember tomorrow. She won't accept that our marriage is ending because of the ADD, so she contantly looks for fault in me, even accusing and harassing me daily of things that are not happening.
formal meetings may help with "lying"
Submitted by arwen on
First of all, let me say that in my experience, "lying" is not a good description of what most people with ADD do when they are disputing facts. Generally speaking, people with ADD do not form and retrieve memories very well, because of the disordered neurotransmitter activity in the brain. When they are called upon to remember an event or commitment, therefore, may people with ADD have a tendency to try to "fill in the gaps" with something plausible or desirable, as a coping mechanism learned over time, and trust that they've got it right. This is not lying -- they really believe that this is what must have happened.
This is not to say that people with ADD never lie. But I've found I can almost always tell when my ADD family members are deliberately telling me something they know is not true -- they say things that don't really make good sense, or can't look me in the eye, or many other non-verbal cues. From your description it doesn't sound like this is what your wife is doing. My sense is that her problem is more on the order of "inaccurate reconstruction" of the facts, not "lying" about them. I have to think it might help reduce the antagonism between you and your wife if you could look at what she's doing as an unfortunate coping mechanism that needs to be addressed, rather than any malevolence on her part.
Medication can help a lot with this. Does your wife take any medication for ADD? If she does, and she's still having these kinds of memory problems, maybe her dosage needs to be adjusted, or a different medication might work better -- these are things that can be discussed with her prescribing doctor.
Another thing that my husband and I have found helpful is for us to have regular formal meetings about things we are having problems with and to discuss home/family-related tasks and responsibilities. In these meetings, we both take notes -- and when we were first starting out with these meetings, we read our notes back to each other, to make sure we both had the correct information. Having notes means my husband doesn't have to rely on his memory, he can now consult the notes -- and if we have a later disagreement about what we discussed, we have the notes to go back to, to help straighten the situation out. You can find more about this strategy at my post http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/improving-communications-through-for...
Hope this can be of some help!
Had to get out
Submitted by sweetlovely1 on
I have been with my husband for ten years on and off, I take him back time after time only to discover that nothing has changed. He has adhd, he told me before that he thought he had it and honestly I didn't really know anything about it until just recently I started doing research about it. However, It is already to late for us, I cannot get past all the hurtful things he says and does to me and my twin daughters. Whether or not the "lying" has to do with the disorder, It is just flat out exhausting!! Sometimes I think he just plays games, he is always making excuses for everything. My children are getting older and now I see how it is starting to effect them, It breaks my heart. His family thinks he is Mr. Perfect... They are also in denial. Everything is always put on me. He has never been there for me and has basically put me and my daughters through hell! I asked him to leave the other day for the last time! I have tried to help him for years, but I know now that he has to learn to help himself. It is no longer in my hands. He has a habit of trying to make me take him back out of guilt. I wont let him do it to us anymore. There are still so many things I dont understand with this disorder as far as I dont understand why he can recall certain things (usually the things that he enjoys) but nothing else. Ugh!! He is like a child! All I ever wanted was a partner! It is not worth the stress, I literally can feel the effects this relationship was starting to have on my body. Why would anyone ever use their children to try and get what they want? Could it really be possible he doesn't realize he is doing it? I personally think he is full of BS. I just got myself UNSTUCK by walking away!
me too!
Submitted by sandune on
I had to leave 7 months to literally save myself from the emotional neglect and hurt. The lying is such a lost trust thing for me. In fact, I no longer can believe anything she says. The public face she portrays with her charm, excitement, hyperfocus and attention is totally opposite of the 4.5 of 5 years of our marriage., etc. This outside world she "acts" in has no idea this superficial personna is all she is about..............she needs the attention, promised the moon and doesn't deliver, hyperfocuses and disappears.
I ask myself how I fell in love with her................I had not heard of adhd let alone hyperfocus 6 years ago. 7 months after we married she disappeared emotionally and later, the lying started. When I would try to connect............she ignored me. I have pursued counseling 3 different times and failed each time. Not sure if most therapists are able to understand and counsel adhd. We do have an appointment next week with her children's psychiatrist who treats them for adhd. I am exhausted and don't think it is asking too much of her to take responsibility for her adhd. I went on record taking 50% responsibility of our problems mainly on my end it has been the reaction to her adhd and the destruction to our marriage. Her extended family has a history of mental health issues from bi-polar to mania to adhd and depression. Thank goodness for this site, cause I think the stress of it all was sending me into depression. I am not a quitter and I will go the extra mile to understand and resolve issues. I am not sure if this one is capable of being resolved without her taking responsibility.
All I ever wanted was to love and be loved, plan a future together and discuss our hopes and dreams. That has not been a possibility and I understand it may never be a possibility. I am a "believer" and believe God puts us all in situations to glorify his name.....I have thought my spiritual role here was to be the "vehicle" to bring her to get well.....................even though this has taken a toll on me, I still believe that and if our visit to the psychiatrist proves contray to my belief, then God needs me somewhere else to help others. I am healing from my cancer surgery and was given a clean bill of health late last week. If for nothing else, I have a completely different outlook on life............hard to explain from a survivor's point of view, I have heard that story before and didn't understand it however today............I have been given a new "gift of life" and plan to make the best of it! I am the blogger who had cancer surgery a few weeks ago and if my church, Sunday School class and community were not helping me through recovery, I don't know where I would be at the moment. She did blow thru my apartment one day,dropped off a card, looked around and left. Even just bringing me a stale bologny sandwich would have given me a little hope.............what a sad state our marriage is in.
Keep your head up Sandune!
Submitted by sweetlovely1 on
You sound as though you are a really strong person! You deserve to be loved! That's why I walked away, I feel so wonderful! In just two weeks of him leaving I feel so relaxed, major stress relief. I dont ever want to sound as though I'm mean or dont care because I am honestly a very sweet, loving person however I believe that everyone must set boundries and not allow someone to "guilt" them in to staying with someone who ultimatly will make them miserable. God want's only the best for all his children! I dont believe in staying with someone who does nothing but stress you out, it isn't healthy! Everyone deserves to be loved and to be able to give all of themselves so that this world can be a better place, not walk around stressed and feeling as though they don't matter. In my marriage i lost so much of who I am trying to help him, but at some point I realized I cant sell my children and myself short of what we deserve......THE BEST! If he isnt willing to get help for his adhd for himself, then there is NOTHING I can do!
Sandune, If you have given all there is to give of yourself and it still isn't enough.....Do yourself a favor and walk away, so you can start living again! It is so hard to take those steps but you have to! I'm not a quitter either, but I want to live. Stress kills! Please, Please take Care of yourself. You can do it. Step out in faith you will be amazed at what God does for you! My life has changed SO much, like I said in Just TWO weeks, Yours can too! Obviously you're a fighter! Hang in there !
keeping ur head up!
Submitted by sandune on
thanks for your comments................I have seen so many comments from stay to leave to ????? I had to leave 7 months ago to save myself. My life changed immediately..........I experienced a lot of guilt from my spiritual side, and I felt as if I was self centered as I remembered my vow......"in sickness and in health", I countered my guilt with the reality that my emotional and physical health were deteriorating. I am in such a wonderful place today, stress free, cancer free and looking forward to a new life. We did have our appointment with her psychiatrist and it was confirmed on Wednesday and to add to the mix, she is also bipolar hypomania which runs in her family. We met, fell in love and married during her hypomania cycle. In a very short time it was over and she began treating me like a stranger and totally ignored. She is not accepting of the diagnosis even though she has to deal with her father's mania 24/7. She never knows what city he will fly to and how he paid for his ticket. He ends up in trouble, meets women and brings them home to meet his wife. I guess I am lucky my wife hasn't done that yet however, she does disappear for extended periods of time.
My life is so much better without her especially for extended periods when we do not have to communicate. I have done all I can do and without her taking responibility and self monitoring and working with her bipolar hypomania her behavior will only deteriorate as I have witnessed with her father. I am now prepared to let her go to save myself. I can no longer feel guilty for wanting happiness and spending the rest of my life enjoying everything God has provided to us. I have gone thru several stages now.....from disappointment to sadness to mourning and now I am ready. My faith is strong and will get me thru this.
Freedom
Submitted by sweetlovely1 on
I know I did the same thing for a lot of years, always feeling bad, not wanting to hurt him.....But he always hurt me and my children. I often wondered if I tried hard enough is there something else I can do but I've changed alot spiritually also I just knew in my heart (for years actually) that there was something missing and that I deserved so much better, just to be acknowleged and respected is not hard to do. At least not on my end it was like pulling teeth tying to get anything from him and I dont see whay I should have had to tell him how to treat me or guide him through life. He's a grown Man!
I am very happy to hear that you have moved on! Kudos to you and me:) Remember to continue to take care of yourself! Pamper yourself for a while! You definatly deserve that! So happy to hear that you have God in your life! He will be there for you no matter what, I'm sure you know that already though:) May god continue to bless you! Your an inspiration to others, let your light shine! Blessings to you! Take Care!
Freedom
Submitted by sandune on
thanks for your post.....I use to beat myself "silly" trying to analyze "did I do enough?" Whatever I did was not enough and we know that so well. We are so exhausted physically and mentally trying to meet their needs while ours go unmet. Just the basics you mention bring back sadness......to think wanting to be acknowledged and respected are so simple yet out of their reach to "give us." Just those 2 things are so basic to a relationship and go unmet.
Blessings to you as well.................I am "trying" to pamper and spoil myself, it has been so long, it seems a little out of character at the moment however, I plan on taking better care of myself from this day forward.
thanks again!
Freedom
Submitted by sweetlovely1 on
Anytime! I'm here anytime you need to talk. It's nice to be able to talk to someone else who understands and has actually been through it themselves.
Taking care of you is so important, I find joy in everything now. It's so weird how one person can just steal your joy! Glad we took a stand for ourselves! We should be proud.... we have amazing hearts that in itself is a true gift:) Staying true to it however is the upmost important!
freedom
Submitted by sandune on
I almost had forgotten about stealing our joy.......that is exactly the experience and to think I "allowed it" for so long! I am getting better each day!........my "adopted mother" reminds me............there are so many people out there that welcome u as a gift in their lives, why are you putting yourself thru this????
freedom
Submitted by sweetlovely1 on
Amen to that! Just dont ever go back like I did over and over! Thank God I finally came to my senses:) You too actually! Someone who loves you should do nothing but bring out the best in you not tear you down. Just celebrate you now and the fact that you can now have a wonderful future! We have so much to look forward to now!
freedom
Submitted by sandune on
Ditto to bringing out the best in someone....................when I meet someone for the first time or even interacting with people I know, I strive to "leave them better than they were before I saw them" and as it relates to marriage.............I feel a spouse either contributes/nurtures to their relationship or contaminates it. From that statement, yes, I typically was on the receiving end of criticism and doing whatever she could to tear me down even to the point of constantly challenging a simple request and even my answer to a basic question. I could never seem to communicate all I ever wanted was the "best for you each and every day" and to love you and be loved in return.