Hello, My marriage is in trouble with my spouse who has ADHD (who refused taking medication just because his lower muscle tightened up in which he does not like the feeling of it same time being paranoid about his heart issue). I wonder if me being gifted and his being ADHD are additional problem issue? We have a lot of communication problem even though we could talk as long as it is basic neutral subjects such as food shopping needs and activities with our children. We have one child who has been diagnosed having ADHD and is very bright while another child is diagnosed being "Gifted". I noticed that gifted child has a strained relationship with her father because of his reactions and rumination with senseless lectures that appeared brought up due to his ADHD. That is what it seems to me that Gifted and ADHD do not mix well?
Gifted spouse and ADHD spouse
Submitted by HealingHands on 08/14/2009.
You might be on to
Submitted by newfdogswife on
You might be on to something. My husband is ADHD and our daughter is GIFTED. Their relationship has always been strained.
Gifted and ADD in IN.
Submitted by ajr on
For what its worth. I have gifted Kids,,My daughters IQ tested at 139.....Husband has ADD....They both get along pretty good. Im not seeing the same correlation in our family....Now granted she may get frustrated with her dad and his follow through..... Im not seeing a high degree of strain, other than normal teenhood dealing with parents...
gifted vs ADD -- yes and no
Submitted by arwen on
In our family, I am gifted non-ADD, my husband is non-gifted ADD (but quite bright -- no hyperactivity), our son is gifted AND has ADD (no hyperactivity), our daughter is gifted and non-ADD.
Son was primarily brought up the first four years by house-husband dad, they always got along great. Our son was always very independent, and my husband was terrific playing with him. We didn't know our son had ADD at the time, and my husband's hormone-related ADD hadn't kicked into high gear at that point, he had very few symptoms. Even after my spouse and I swapped roles, their great relationship continued (although the change in parenting styles was more of a shock to my son that I ever realized at the time). Our son's ADD began to manifest more noticeably more and more as he progressed through elementary school, but the counselors at that time did not think he had ADD, I think because he was so very smart and articulate and not hyperactive. He was finally diagnosed with ADD early in high school, shortly after my husband was diagnosed, and got onto meds (which made a real difference in school performance).
But oh my lord, when he got into his mid-teens, did the fireworks betweeen him and his dad fly! At that point our son, like any teen, had his own opinions about things, and as often happens frequently did not agree with his dad. Frequently, they would argue about stuff that my son did that his dad didn't like (but ironically, was guilty of doing all the time himself!!) My husband would not listen to him, neither could see the other's point of view. The situation got worse and worse over time. I was constantly having to intervene. One time when I had to work late, my daughter called me in tears saying that my husband and son were fighting and had come to blows and she was terrified of what was going to happen. My husband's counselor spent over a year working with the two of them, and it slowly got better. The problem finally resolved after our son left home to go to college, and they've been OK ever since. (As an aside, however, I should note that it made a positive difference in my husband's relationship with me -- since our son's behaviors that angered him were the same behaviors of my husband's that angered me, he could finally see what it was like for the shoe to be on the other foot -- it helped open his eyes.)
Daughter was very different experience (I thought when she was born that I knew about babies/toddlers -- but she was nothing like her brother had been -- good joke on me). From day one she was an incredibly clinging child, to me and only me -- she developed a superglue bond instantaneously. She did *not* want to be cared for by her dad, but I think it was mostly because he wasn't me -- she rejected her grandparents, neighbors, babysitters as well, and would cry the entire time I was gone. She was willing to be with her brother, but he had an acute case of sibling rivalry and would not put up with her for long. As time went on we were gradually able to get her to be more independent, less rejecting of others, including her dad. Her relationship with her dad was not great, but it was OK.
Then, as she got into her early teens, her relationship with him took a sharp turn for the worse (this started several years after her dad had been diagnosed and on meds). She became very very critical of him and did not want to do *anything* with him. It was not the normal teen rebellion against parents (we went through that a few years later, when she didn't like either of us, in a general way). I am positive that this was not caused by any sexually inappropriate behavior by my husband -- our daughter and I have a fabulous, good, close relationship and I have discussed this with her, and she not only assured me (with some amusement) that nothing inappropriate occurred, she was surprised that I could even contemplate such a possibility. Her behavior during this conversation was so natural and relaxed, I don't think it's possible she could be hiding anything. (And I've always had a talent for detecting lies, which if anything was fine-tuned by my experiences with my spouse and son's ADD.) I think instead she was becoming more aware and picking up on the worsening of the relationship between me and my spouse, and ranging her feelings on "my side", and therefore against her dad. She felt I should leave him (she really didn't understand the custody issues implicit in that). This antipathy to her dad continued even after she went off to college, and ironically didn't change until my husband and I separated (I think the fact that I finally did leave, albeit temporarily, was a shock to her, it threatened her sense of family). As my husband and I worked our way through our problems, and reconciled, her relationship with her dad improved accordingly. Today, they get along better than ever before, they have a good, positive relationship.
I've thought about these things for a long time, and I've reached several conclusions. I think that the reason for most of our daughter's negative reactions to her dad, throughout her life, was because she felt threatened by his inconsistency, his forgetfulness, his communication difficulties, his inexplicable behaviors. My spouse and I really are very opposite in these regards -- I'm very consistent, have a great memory, speak well and always explained my reasons for actions and decisions to my kids (as well as to my husband, who even today thinks explaining decisions is a pointless behavior), and I think this made her feel very secure. I think it's very possible that her giftedness made her more able to perceive these differences, so to that extent it may be true that a gifted child might develop a greater negative response to the ADDD behaviors that seem undesirable to them. On the other hand, I really feel that our daughter's clingy disposition, her need for security, had more to do with it than the giftedness. I think because my son had ADD, it sort of negated this possible consequence of giftedness when he was young. Whether it contributed to his problems with his dad in his teens is really hard to say.
So I don't think giftedness intrinsically is at odds with ADD, but I think it can be a contributing factor by in effect highlighting by contrast the ADD problem behaviors. That said, I think it can also be a blessing and a help when you are working on resolving the problems.
Gifted and ADD
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I don't think that gifted folks are more or less critical of parents with ADD than others because they are gifted, though perhaps they might be more critical of a person who is struggling if they had not (due to their giftedness) never experienced hardship or difficulties. This, then, would be a lack of empathy rather than a specific gifted/not gifted rift.
I do think that kids pick up on their parents' feelings. So if one parent were increasingly critical of the other (I'm thinking the non-ADD parent becoming more critical of the ADD parent) then a kid who might not understand/like the ADD parents' behavior would feel it was "okay" to express their dislikes or to criticize that parent, knowing that they probably wouldn't get much resistance from the non-ADD parent.
Also, I've noticed examples where an ADD parent is particularly hard on an ADD teenager (seems to be particularly the case with men/boys) because they observe the teen making the same mistakes he made. The adult's anger is both at the teen for making the "stupid" choices and at himself for all the "stupid" choices he has made or still makes.
As for dealing with "senseless lectures", these can be handled on many fronts. If they are "I care about you" lectures (sex, drugs, alcohol, driving safely, etc) then the non-ADD parent can say "Dad really cares about you and doesn't express it clearly, but he really needs to be able to show his caring...and you need to be respectful and listen". In addition, it might make sense to explain to the frustrated child that ADD brains don't easily create hierarchy - so one result is rambling conversations. Nonetheless, it would be respectful to honor that difference and listen as best one can - even though the info isn't well organized, that doesn't mean it doesn't contain some good content. On the other front, you could talk with your husband about the frustration his rambling causes his teen, and see if you can figure out a discreet signal you can give him when you notice your teen losing patience. With that signal he would know to "wrap it up" quickly and ask some involving question of the teen (such as "what do you think about that?" or "is that the experience you've had?")
Hopefully, the two of them could then meet in the middle.
As for meds, and heart issues. Since many ADD meds are stimulants, your husband should get an "all clear" on the heart issues (whatever they are) before trying stimulants. There are anti-depressants, like Wellbutrin, that are used for ADD which he could discuss with his doc as alternatives.
It's a good idea to practice "empathy" with both of your children whenever the opportunity arises. It will serve the ADHD child well in terms of feeling better about him/herself and will serve the gifted child particularly well as he/she struggles to understand the issues that other members of his family encounter.