I'm really confused and just at my wits end. I am with my partner who has three children. We've been together for over a year. He was always very chatty and failed to listen to me. He'd go off on a tangent on all sorts of things.
I said one day, do you think you have ADHD. And he said he does. I feel because he knows I have health issues, he should have said this much earlier. I feel a bit hoodwinked.
`He's had a lot of upset in his life. He tries to be a good boyfriend: gifts etc but he doesn't get things done for himself. I'm turning out to be the boss of everything and commander in chief of getting things done and I hate it.
I can't be with him anymore. It is draining me. The adhd on top of other complexities don't stop. I've read forums here and I swear to god, I can't even hear the cogs of my own brain turn. Even when I want a break – it gets disrupted by insecurities. He used to call endlessly, even when he knew I was busy. Like, 4 times before noon. To chat! I don't know whether he is messing with my head, or it is the ADHD but I feel like I'm being sabotaged. It seems that all I am able to do is pay attention to our relationship, And I' m never attentive or caring enough. We don't live together but when I come home from seeing him, or he leaves, I'm in a comatose state that seems to take days to pull myself out of. I explain this to him, he agrees he goes ott, I have tried to end it – but he just brushes it under the carpet and carries on, then wants me to say it all again. I give up and we carry on as before.
I'm genuinely worried my mental health is going to suffer, that my finances will suffer. I feel I am simply responding to the buzzer that is ADHD. It gets on my nerves and it makes me very nervous and anxous. I don't know what I'm walking into sometimes. Extreme love and devotion, or bypassing anything I say in favour of very long and winding stories about something that happened decades ago that I can't even visualize. Or a traumatic story. Or an insecure story. He is not horrible, ever. Never. But jeez, it's non--stop.
Sometimes I put more love and effort and attention in to see if that helps --- no, that on;y creates a need for even more. Not, oh I had a lovely time see you Weds. etc... but ping ping ping ping ping.
I don't feel like Im having a relationship. I'm just managing situations and listening patiently.
My sex life is zero, when before it was v high. Just when I feel I might feel amorous, something unexpected is said or happens. I tried giving up and just nodding and being flirty not fighting for my right to contribute. But now this frustration seems to come out by drinking too much and being spiteful. Not sure I can even stand myself in this relationship. I don't want to be horrible and it's not fair on him.
Even when I try to end it, he has his own version of events and talks at length about why it's OK and we are perfect. I don't think we should continue, I can't meet his needs. I'm in my 40s. I feel OK about being along. He lectures me on our future together, but I feel manipulated and steamrolled and it seems exhausting. I'll be a responsible for everything –– though he denies it. It seems quite mad and delusional to me. It's obvious I'd have to do everything or life in a constant state of chaos.
How do I give clear messages to someone with ADHD that won't listen and will conveniently forget what I said.
It's so, so possible that someone else (tho he is many times divorced!), can handle this and be a loving partner. I'm not her. I don't want him to feel bad about his ADHD, or unloveable. But he t guilt trips me into not moving on – (it's almost like he wants me to yell at him and be nasty about him and his adhd... I don't want to do that. :(
I just know that for various reasons I am not up for the job. I'm not the woman for this. We don't share any responsibilities, so why is it so hard to end it?
:(( I feel miserable.
We met at a bad time in my life, but the more I become my normal self, the more I feel: this is absolutely bonkers! The only way this will work is if I just give up :( give up being heard, do all the labour; and be a sex goddess. Then, just then it might be happy. It''s like a bucket with a hole in it.
It's hard to be up for sex hat when you are being talked over rather than seduced.
Advice please x or sympathy. I'll accept either. I tried to talk to my mother about it but she just didn't get it at all. She almost found it funny.
Already Know
Submitted by slamsunk on
Hi,
Sorry to hear of your struggles with your partner. To me it sounds like you have already made up your mind and you just need to act on it. I don't know how long you have been together, but it sounds like you aren't married and you have no children together, which at least makes things slightly less complicated. It's hard to break up but it sounds as if this relationship is really taking a toll on your physical and mental health. My thoughts are that chances of him becoming what you need for a less stressful and healthy relationship are probably slim and I think you know this. Why continue to put yourself through this stress. I know it's hard but if you want to leave make a plan and then stick to it and cut communication so that you aren't tempted to play the game of going back and forth and letting him guilt you into coming back. Believe me, I know from past break ups, it's hard to leave. And I know the traits and behaviors you are dealing with are incredibly difficult to live with as well. Is it worth putting up with that for the rest of your life? Good luck.
IntoSpace
Submitted by Brindle on
Your words make complete sense to me. It isn't a truly mutual relationship where you can count on him to support you. And no, it isn't funny, and I'm sorry that your mom didn't understand. It's chaotic and stressful, and that's no joke.
I'm glad you're gaining clarity. This portion that you wrote is such an excellent way to summarize several things:
"We met at a bad time in my life, but the more I become my normal self, the more I feel: this is absolutely bonkers! The only way this will work is if I just give up :( give up being heard, do all the labour; and be a sex goddess. Then, just then it might be happy. It''s like a bucket with a hole in it.
It's hard to be up for sex hat when you are being talked over rather than seduced."
Yes. And that means you're really just there to give to him and get nothing in return. It hurts, it's frustrating, and it is already not sustainable. You're not crazy; you're seeing much more clearly than he is. And I'm sorry this is the case. It's not fulfilling for you, and it hurts.
Thanks for the comments, it's been hard
Submitted by IntoSpace on
Thanks for the comments. I had to come off a bit as was getting you, know, wobbly. And a bit stressed. I have been trying to keep up beat. My mind feels it is returning to normal, more balanced I think. But being in lockdown alone has it's own challenges. The break up has been hard in a way, as ex was kind of OK about the breakup, then persuading and carrying on like it hadn't happened. Tender messages, declatations of love, excitement etc. :( this made me quiet upset. Becuase it feels more brushing under the carpet and really not getting how hard this is to cope with for me. Honestly, though, who want to be told their neruodiversity is too much to handle :( I think it's awfully sad. Everyone deserves love and happiness, but as I tried to explain, wearing me down so that I am distressed is just not OK. He seems to think we can just stop start and off we go. Stop start. But I think if we haven't worked it out after 15months, we won't. I think the adhd is much more severe than maybe he or I realised. I think he excellent coping and persuasion skills which disguise it. I hate that he feels bad about it, but I can't destroy myself either :( flipping mess. Trying to focus on other things. xx :( thanks for advice, even tho it got a little argumentative down there. I really feel for people with adhd and their partners. It's an unintended disability. I know my ex loves me and tries all he can, but it's SO hard to cope with and have a life. :(
Wishing you peace....
Submitted by c ur self on
There are many many people in this world, that are fun to be around, people who you can laugh at, laugh with, and are just fun people, that you may enjoy calling your friend....But, those same people aren't people who can be trusted to manage their lives with any order, these people are easily distracted, people who's minds are self absorbed, who are overwhelmed by daily life, and will always consider simple, peaceful and responsible living as boring... So chaos is the order of the day for this mind....
These type minds will not work in marital relationships with an organized person, who likes order, discipline and responsible living...(See's the big picture of life) So when we look at only the physical and emotional we end up here....Looking for understanding and a word of help and love....
Bless you intospace
c