I'm really confused and just at my wits end. I am with my partner who has three children. We've been together for over a year. He was always very chatty and failed to listen to me. He'd go off on a tangent on all sorts of things.
I said one day, do you think you have ADHD. And he said he does. I feel because he knows I have health issues, he should have said this much earlier. I feel a bit hoodwinked.
`He's had a lot of upset in his life. He tries to be a good boyfriend: gifts etc but he doesn't get things done for himself. I'm turning out to be the boss of everything and commander in chief of getting things done and I hate it.
I can't be with him anymore. It is draining me. The adhd on top of other complexities don't stop. I've read forums here and I swear to god, I can't even hear the cogs of my own brain turn. Even when I want a break – it gets disrupted by insecurities. He used to call endlessly, even when he knew I was busy. Like, 4 times before noon. To chat! I don't know whether he is messing with my head, or it is the ADHD but I feel like I'm being sabotaged. It seems that all I am able to do is pay attention to our relationship, And I' m never attentive or caring enough. We don't live together but when I come home from seeing him, or he leaves, I'm in a comatose state that seems to take days to pull myself out of. I explain this to him, he agrees he goes ott, I have tried to end it – but he just brushes it under the carpet and carries on, then wants me to say it all again. I give up and we carry on as before.
I'm genuinely worried my mental health is going to suffer, that my finances will suffer. I feel I am simply responding to the buzzer that is ADHD. It gets on my nerves and it makes me very nervous and anxous. I don't know what I'm walking into sometimes. Extreme love and devotion, or bypassing anything I say in favour of very long and winding stories about something that happened decades ago that I can't even visualize. Or a traumatic story. Or an insecure story. He is not horrible, ever. Never. But jeez, it's non--stop.
Sometimes I put more love and effort and attention in to see if that helps --- no, that on;y creates a need for even more. Not, oh I had a lovely time see you Weds. etc... but ping ping ping ping ping.
I don't feel like Im having a relationship. I'm just managing situations and listening patiently.
My sex life is zero, when before it was v high. Just when I feel I might feel amorous, something unexpected is said or happens. I tried giving up and just nodding and being flirty not fighting for my right to contribute. But now this frustration seems to come out by drinking too much and being spiteful. Not sure I can even stand myself in this relationship. I don't want to be horrible and it's not fair on him.
Even when I try to end it, he has his own version of events and talks at length about why it's OK and we are perfect. I don't think we should continue, I can't meet his needs. I'm in my 40s. I feel OK about being along. He lectures me on our future together, but I feel manipulated and steamrolled and it seems exhausting. I'll be a responsible for everything –– though he denies it. It seems quite mad and delusional to me. It's obvious I'd have to do everything or life in a constant state of chaos.
How do I give clear messages to someone with ADHD that won't listen and will conveniently forget what I said.
It's so, so possible that someone else (tho he is many times divorced!), can handle this and be a loving partner. I'm not her. I don't want him to feel bad about his ADHD, or unloveable. But he t guilt trips me into not moving on – (it's almost like he wants me to yell at him and be nasty about him and his adhd... I don't want to do that. :(
I just know that for various reasons I am not up for the job. I'm not the woman for this. We don't share any responsibilities, so why is it so hard to end it?
:(( I feel miserable.
We met at a bad time in my life, but the more I become my normal self, the more I feel: this is absolutely bonkers! The only way this will work is if I just give up :( give up being heard, do all the labour; and be a sex goddess. Then, just then it might be happy. It''s like a bucket with a hole in it.
It's hard to be up for sex hat when you are being talked over rather than seduced.
Advice please x or sympathy. I'll accept either. I tried to talk to my mother about it but she just didn't get it at all. She almost found it funny.
I see I become this too
Submitted by IntoSpace on
I've read a lot of comments and posts on this forum and I can relate to so much of it. Often I get criticised or made out to be a meanie for not being switched on to it all the time, I've said I can't live my life like and ADHD person. I'm trying to keep up, and I can't; It exhausts me. I think things fail when I just give up trying to go and that pace and try to be me, which is very upsetting. It's like I'm being forced to give up being me. The person who is an extrovert, actually, but also likes quiet time in the garden. When I go off to do things, or need a weekend to catch up. This might be gardening, house decor, work, family ––– I am withdrawing, (He has only me and his kids really, in his life.) So I go with his flow, or spend ages recovering from a battle. then I look around me and my home is upside down :( and then I feel I am living the ADHD lifestyle: poor diet, disorganised, random thoughts, lack of sleep, I used to be able to manage so much in one day, and now I can barely focus on applying for jobs and staying well, as I'm responding to the 'buzzer'. What a mess. usually in relationships people change for the better – i really think i am changing for the worse and presently have some very low standards. I barely even bother to look good nowadays.
You know he’s not good for you.
Submitted by sickandtired on
I have soooo been where you are now. You’ve already realized he’s draining you, and you want to break up and move on, but he doesn’t get the message. It took me months to break free of my xboyfriend of over 11 years. They become so dependent on you, and then guilt trip you if you want a better life. It is literally like having a huge weight holding you down. You said you don’t like the person you’ve turned into since being with him. That speaks volumes. You know what you have to do to survive and live a normal life. It sounds like he just uses you for a baby sitter for his kids and a meal ticket. I told my ex it was over and even moved into another house to get away from him. I had let him move into my house but he wouldn’t leave or take his stuff, so i said he should try to find a job so he could start being self sufficient and not dependent on me for EVERYTHING. He got a job offer as a maintenance man that included a free apartment, but turned it down, with some excuse that he didn’t want to be “on call”. Of course, he would rather live with me and have all his bills for food and shelter paid by me so he could continue to be on the computer all day. When I found out he turned down that job I threw him out, so he snuck over to my vacation house in another town and just squatted there without my knowledge or permission. I thought he had already left the state, but one day I went to the vacation house and found his freshly washed wet clothes in my washer! What a creepy feeling! I finally got a restraining order to get him out, and then later found evidence that he had been staying in yet another vacant house I owned as an investment that he had promised to fix up, but instead he trashed it. It was full of Taco Bell wrappers that he had used to write me apology notes. The whole thing left me feeling violated and used. Anyway, you can click on my screen name and read my entire story. My advice to you is to make it crystal clear that it is over, don’t give in to his denial, and don’t fall for his dependency and guilt trips. Luckily since you don’t live together, it should be easier for you to go totally NO CONTACT . Don’t answer the door, don’t answer his calls or emails. Mine still sends me frequent angry emails, accusing me of ruining his life and blaming me as the reason he STILL does not have a job.... and it’s been almost 6 years since I ended our relationship.
You deserve a normal life and you won’t have one with him. He already has hoodwinked you into a parent child relationship and soon he will resent you for being an authority figure. He has apparently done this same routine with his many ex wives. Please don’t waste your life being a doormat to this ADHD insanity. He needs to seek help from professionals and finally take responsibility for his own life.
That's hard work
Submitted by IntoSpace on
I can't believe you went through all that. That's so terrible -- about the house. I feel violated some of the times too and it's on;y been a year, but already it's starting to stack up. He does work and earn good money, but with kids there is a lot of responsibility. And he isn't in a financially secure position because of -- you guessed it --- bad debts.
My head is pickled. I thought we had a long conversation about why I can't continue and I got my point across. And everyday messages come that are like I haven't said anything and we can just go,,,,"oh well, never mind, that, I'll change, it;ll be great" and on we go and I think you aren't taking in what I want. I feel we have 6 week cycles.... sometime when I have PMT it gets harder to stay patient, I'll be honest, so i retreat to my own home. Which is fine –– periods are tough in your 40s. I can't even do that easily. He does try then he says he get 'excited' and that's it off he goes. Even when I've said, OK, I need quiet time. I need just this.... it's a problem. Or when I say, I don't want to talk about xyz, somtimes something traumatic he keeps going because he can't kee it in his head. I've suggested forums, for chatting, notebook, exercise, clubs... etc, Where he can share his conversations. But no. It's not fair for it to be on me. I could easily be friends with him, and be a good friend. But I can't be his partner but he doesn't want to listen to that. It's torture to keep trying to end it, and failing. I wish it were different, i really do. But it isn't. :(
Thanks for replying to me x
Hyperfocus
Submitted by sickandtired on
Have you read on this forum yet about the hyperfocus relationship phase in ADHD? I think he is still hyperfocusing on you since you’ve only been together a year or so. He needs ALL of your attention, he needs you to listen to his endless repeating stories. This stage will typically end soon after a year together, and as C said “it goes downhill from there”. Your ADHD man will start to be more irritable, and more dependent on you, especially if you move in together. He will demand more and more from you, but he will NEVER be satisfied. Your description that it’s like a bucket with a hole in it is spot on. You can never meet his needs because he is trying to manipulate you into taking care of needs he should meet himself. Regarding your desire to break up and move on... you are allowing him to negotiate with you by talking you out of leaving, and promising you he will be better, or denying your emotions that you want out. It’s as simple as this with an adhd person: YOUR feelings don’t matter to him, only HIS feelings matter. Your words don’t matter, only his. YOUR NEEDS don’t matter to him. So the only way to get out is to firmly end it, no negotiation, no communication, no contact. I slowly became very depressed being with my ex, because all he did was complain, tell endless stories of his victimization, with absolutely NO insight on how his own behaviors got him into his mess. Please know that as a relationship progresses and shared responsibilities arise, he will get much worse. If you share a bank account with him, your money will be drained, bills won’t be paid unless YOU do it. They don’t seem to see potential problems like bankruptcy looming. They will just keep on impulse spending. They don’t see potential dangers, like leaving a toddler alone in a swimming pool, or in my case, my ex lifted up my dog and put him up on the wall of the HOOVER DAM, not realizing he was putting my dog’s life in danger. His excuse was he wanted the dog to have a better view! WTF!?! My point is, after only a year, I can see your frustration with him growing, and you’re beginning to be angry with yourself for letting him erase your personality. Don’t let him do it. I broke up with my ex when I was 60. I found a new man who was normal, cheerful, loving AND responsible. We got married almost 4 years ago, and I’ve never felt more happy and fulfilled. . I am living my dream because I did the hard work to get out of a nightmare. You are early in your dysfunctional one sided relationship. Please do yourself a favor and get out now. Don’t let him turn your decision to break up into a negotiation. You don’t need his permission or agreement to move on to a better life.
Thank you, you know what I
Submitted by IntoSpace on
Thank you, you know what I have said these exact same words to him. I've sat and cried when I get "white hot", which is when for some reason the pressure has expanded and expanded and expanded and no matter what I say it doesn't stop. Calls for some time to get myslf together go upended. And then I end up a wreck. And I've said these things, what I do is never enough. When dating, esp as a mature person with responsibilities like work, family, house, you should have time together then respect boudaries for other people to meet their responsibilities then join forces again and enjoy your time together. But I'd say, it's never enough. I can't meet all your needs, you need to find them fulfilled elsewhere. (Even if that is simply some home improvement, catch up reading, walks: if you have ots of kids there is. alot to do!) but no, it was always me withdrawing, or being 'independent' or difficulut or whatever. Very upsetting. Because I feel things would go undealt with in order to be available -- then I end up in a mess at home and health and finances too. I've been off for a year during the pandemic (pretty much), though I have other streams of income, and I feel I've acheived very very little which is v v rare for me. It's so upsetting and so frustrating and what is most frustrating is that he can't see this. He can't see my sacrifices but instead seems to need more sacrifice to reach an even keel, but then like you say, that won't be enough and I'll have to start again. Then when I back away it's a story about trauma or betrayal and hurts in the past. :( On top of this though, he is very reliable, (he'd prefer to be doing things for me than him), generous, says he loves me a lot, if I have a bad day is there..... but then appeases me for a little while before monologueing and we end up on a rollercoaster of stories. So actually, it's not much help, and ends up feeling like I've been let down. Ugh. As you can tell, I'm having hard time with this today. I feel sad, I feel annoyed that it's come to this, I feel more more relieved and at ease and like the white hot feeling is cooling down so I can think and my mind feels like my own. And I don't know if I'm more cross with me for being a doormat or him. Also, he'sstill finding ways to hook me back in :(
I really think we'd be great friends, but I can't be his long term partner.
After we get in spin he says, I'll do anything to help you. I know I understand you need to get your things in order, I'll help –––but then he doesn't help at all. He arrives and we end up distracted or is such long (one sided) conversations, sometimes about things he wants me to help him with, that I am too exhausted to make progress. I've actually given up on the things I was doing right now; home improvement, job apps, my mind need to settle for a while. What worries me is his ex. wife: when they met she worked in a profressional job, he said during their marriage she gave up work, and because very lazy, and did nothing, now she has the help of a mental health team. I think she likely had some issues, but also the exhaustion is draining. Sometimes I feel my brain softening around the edges and I worry that might be me one day. Perhaps someone who wants a very involved relationship can do this, but I love having a career and friends.
You sound absolutely miserable
Submitted by sickandtired on
You sound absolutely miserable. My question, and a question you need to ask yourself is WHY are you ALLOWING this misery to continue? You have the power to stop this misery right now. Don’t you realize that you hold the key to freedom from chaos in your own hand? It seems like you literally can’t stand him. It took a few years for me to start wanting to get out of my relationship. You are already there after just over a year. Ask yourself what are YOU getting out of this relationship? I can tell you from experience that if you are looking to let him down easy and remain friends after some mutually agreed upon breakup, that will NEVER happen with an ADHD person. They seem to be all or nothing. You must realize that he will never agree to any kind of amicable friendship after this. Yes, that would be the optimum solution in a breakup with a normal person, but ADHD minds don’t work that way. He will be angry and upset or just keep denying that you want out, but he will never willingly let you go. Why should he when he can just make a few promises and manipulate you into staying on as his caretaker. He doesn’t want an equal partner, he wants a mommy, someone who will do everything for him, so he can continue his responsibility free life. His promises to be better mean nothing, they are just words to smooth over and suffocate your feelings. He will continue to tell the same stories till they make you want to scream. Why you ask? Because that’s all he’s capable of... he can make a huge list of his problems, his victimizations, his feelings of betrayal, etc., but he has absolutely no skills to progress from voicing his grievances to actually being able to SOLVE his own problems. You will learn his endless list of grievances by heart, if you haven’t already. My ex was absolutely miserable to travel with because the moment we would get out on the road, he would start his monologue about how life and people had treated him so unfairly. It would always start out with him telling me that his mother was nervous when she was pregnant with him, and that her stress affected him before he was even born, then he would bitch about all of his parents’ broken promises to him, then his bosses all tried to screw him over, then he would list all of his grievances about his ex’s. Then he would say life sucks, and he wished that his mom had just aborted him. Does any of this sound familiar? There is a reason your man has so many divorces. They couldn’t stomach him, but they found the backbone to get out before he destroyed them. Living with a person like this definitely affects your mental health negatively. I saw myself becoming depressed and withdrawing from my friends. I actually started having a negative view of the world just like he had. I didn’t like the person I was becoming in the relationship... just like you. You need to do something about your misery, not just talk about it like he does. Yes, it will be unpleasant and you will probably see a nasty side of him that he has kept secret from you when he realizes you won’t take his calls or see him any more, but trust me, if I could go back in time and break up with my ex sooner than I did, I would. I actually tried to break up with him numerous times before it actually ended, but I gave in to him because I felt sorry for him. He threatened suicide if I dumped him, using one of my greatest heartbreaks to manipulate me into staying because he knew my sister had committed suicide. You see, they will do anything to stay with you, whether you want to or not because your feelings don’t matter. Like I’ve said before, you are lucky you don’t live with him, and you don’t share bank accounts or pets or children together. All you have to do is say it’s over. Do it on the phone, not in person where you will be a captive audience. Don’t give him the chance to talk his way out of it or to list all of the reasons why you guys are “perfect” for one another. On the phone you can just hang up after you state your case. You know he’s not good for you. Don’t waste years being unhappy because you’re in a bad relationship. You will never be able to fix his life, but he can absolutely ruin yours.
I think sometimes I have
Submitted by IntoSpace on
I think sometimes I have thought – I am miserable. I think this with the pandemic and not seeing friends has made me feel trapped. I suppose untiil I came to this site I thought that I was the only one that went trhough this, so perhaps things might change. Because without trauma, adhd, ex stories etc... I know a lot, he's a lovely caring generous man. He's just somehow stuck in this mode... :( and it seems the only way for things to move (be more organised etc, homely, fun) is for me to roll my sleeves up and get stuck in, which means abandoning all of my stuff - then I will never be able to step out. Because my trying to hold onto my own self and life isn't really enough. But like I've always felt, nothing ever feels enough. It's such a shame. It is a neurodiversity and it must be very hard to live llike that and know that trouble sits around all corners.
Human realities mixed w/ add behaviors is over whelming...
Submitted by c ur self on
Men have the same human issues (insecurities & baggage) as women (worse in some cases)...Mix his insecurities concerning your past (his view of your past) and his add/adhd (inability to filter thoughts before speaking them, etc) then these embarrassing and out of place comments are easy to explain...It doesn't make them right, wanted, or able to be stopped....But it does make it clear why it is happening....
c
I think you should walk away....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's not surprising that he want's to dump his life in your lap...Hoodwinked is a nice word for it....When personal feelings (emotional and intimate) get involved in the reality of what is happening...Blindness occurs...Many things aren't really intentional, but, the effects on a spouse (partner) is the same....It's real easy to believe their stories when we are attracted to them...But if you read on this site for a few days, you will see that most of us deal with the same things....And the one's who get by half way peacefully have loads of boundaries....And it goes down hill from there, so many who post here live in complete dysfunction, angry, bitter, for the load that has been dumped on them, by a mind that refuses to choose personal responsibility, ahead of self entertainment and self pleasure.....You should really think about what your life is fixing to be like?? Never believe what you hear, but, always believe what you see....
Bless you
c
I'm sorry it all came to an
Submitted by IntoSpace on
I'm sorry it all came to an end for you. It seemed that you were positive and really really tried. Gosh, I hadn't thought it would get worse....perhaps not improve, or improve slightly, but not get worse. x Take care and thanks
Intospace
Submitted by c ur self on
Actually the not improving, makes it worse over time...What does all the behavior's you listed, and read here have in common? There personal to one mind; they rarely can be changed or spoken into w/o self awareness and a desire to change....When you think your fine, and defend these things, change becomes hopeless....
So if you can't accept it now??
Bless you
c