Submitted by PoisonIvy on 01/24/2016.
I filed for divorce in December. My husband's communication style (rarely calling or emailing, rarely responding to messages) while at his parents' home, being their caregiver, was a big, although not the only, factor leading me to decide to file for divorce. His withdrawal, emotionally, physically, and financially, from the marriage is the prime cause. Since the filing, the communication has become even less existent; he responded to one message, about a malfunctioning appliance, and that is it. I would appreciate suggestions for keeping my head in the right place for the remainder of the divorce process. I don't want to force communication on or from an unwilling person but I don't want to lose myself to depression, either. Thanks.
Hi Rosered...
Submitted by c ur self on
I've read your post's for some time...based on those, your husband quit on you and the marriage some time ago....I wish the best....
C
You cannot get what someone does not have to give. . . . .
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
I am unsure of exactly what I could say. What I am thinking, free of feeling contemptuous, disdainful, or disrespectful , is that you fought the good fight. If your spouse would not communicate to save your marriage, why would he communicate in the termination process?
Sad that it didn't;t work? I am sure. Now you can go forth and make your plans, your own way, and use that same idea with the divorce proceedings. Seems you get to be in charge. Go for it.
With encouragement,
Liz
Rosered - You will find your path
Submitted by jennalemone on
When you have spirit, things flow. It is the way that we know that we are alive and thriving. some situations drain us of our own spirit and we get stuck in muck, not recognizing ourselves. Then we even start to wonder who we are and what we want because we are just coping and surviving. How do you feed your spirit and feel alive and in the flow again? When things feel like a right and good path, stay with it. When things feel chaotic and stagnant..find your own musical cadence to walk in and find the path that enthuses you.
I admire your action. It is brave and necessary. Once you are through this difficult time, and the grief of acceptance, I will bet that you will regain your pride and your self respect and your own spirit and you will thrive again.
Thanks for the comments. I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Thanks for the comments. I appreciate the support. I know I'm doing the right thing by divorcing my spouse. But we have been married 31 years, he was the only person I ever dated, the only person I was ever "intimate" with, and now I feel as though my entire adult life has been erased, because that person refuses to acknowledge me.
I think this is what the issue is....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
You feel that you're being erased. That hurts. You're feeling like he's saying that the last 30 years never happened or aren't worth remembering or valuing.
I've read a few of your posts. There is something clearly wrong with your husband. Maybe he's never grown up. Maybe he really doesn't have to work that hard for his parents, but there is the "appearance" of doing so.
For some, living with parents allows a certain amount of remaining a child.
Yep, and right now, I feel
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I believe in you
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
You are not stupid. It's
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
You are not stupid. It's normal to feel duped, and you probably were. MANY of us were duped!!! Many of us were sold something that was "well masked".
I remember when H and I were separated. I felt much as you've described. Erased. Trashed. Embarrassed. His family encouraged the "erasing". They encouraged him to start dating, which thankfully he didn't do.
I also felt (and still often do feel) that I never should have married my H, even though we're still together.
As long as your H has his parents to live with, his attitude and behaviors are going to continue.
I'm going to give you the same advice that I followed....Never call him, never email him, never text him. NEVER. I'm sure my H expected me to be constantly contracting him (and his family sure did), but when he got absolutely no contact from me AT ALL, it was empowering to me, but also greatly upset H. (lol). Too bad.
I appreciate the sympathy and
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I appreciate the sympathy and the advice. They help.
An additional manifestation
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
An additional manifestation of how I feel is that I've become even more self-conscious than usual. Even when I go to my job, where I've worked for almost 25 years, I think, "I'm ugly. I'm going to say something stupid. People pity me. The only reason they put up with me is because I'm very productive." Basically what I think my husband and his family think about me.
I am hurting for you Rosered
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
I encourage you to find a way to focus on your self esteem. Your value is not in your ability to make your marriage work - or in getting your spouse to acknowledge how this is all affecting you.
Been there myself. Did that for a very long time. I do not know what exactly got me to open my eyes. I cannot tell you a specific day that the light bulb of understanding came on for me.
I can tell you what prompted me down that road- - - - it was right here on this forum, and participating in the Marriage course. . . . . . . in 2012, which did not bring about the result I had wanted - - -but I am where I am today. I didn't know what I wanted was keeping me focused on my spouse and my marriage.
I focused on me, worked on me. What I think of LIZ is far more valuable that what my spouse may think, or what anyone in his family may think, or even what - - - - -well just about anyone else may think.
I hope you will find a counselor to talk to about what you wrote in that post. Starting with "I am in a really sad state of mind. Can you help me?"
Virtually sending you all the online support I can,
Liz
Many divorcing couples have no contact whatsoever.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
It seems as if you filed for divorce to "get his attention," so that hopefully he'd be more communicative. Is that why you filed?
If not, then accept the fact that divorcing couples often rarely speak to each other, particularly when they don't have minor aged children.
I did not file for divorce to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I did not file for divorce to get my husband's attention. I did so so that I can be not married to him anymore.
I understand not speaking to each other much during the divorce process. However, he does not have a lawyer nor do I. (I am a lawyer and think I know enough about the process to proceed pro se; also, I don't have a lot of extra money sitting around with which to pay a lawyer.) So communications to the other "party" must be from me to him and vice versa. Right now, I think he's concealing his income, and he is not responding to questions and concerns I have about our very large tax bill. So, to deal with the divorce by not communicating with my husband is neither practical nor ethical.
Rosered: I feel incredible empathy
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Dear Rosered, I feel incredible empathy for your situation. You've been in a long term ADHD relationship 31 years, and me 32 (almost 33), and now I too am divorcing my husband. Your husband "left" your marriage a long time ago, and so did mine. Mine told me "He's been in love with someone else our entire marriage". It's been the girl he was "in love" with in college, when they were both like 19, 20 years old. They broke up when he was 21. But, he says it was his 'first love", and he's "never gotten over it".
I too, feel like my ENTIRE marriage has been a sham. I am wrestling with SO MANY QUESTIONS, that my mind is in a whirlwind. Why did he ask me to marry him at all? Was is ALL phony? Why didn't he say anything before this? and dozens more. It's hard to know what to feel, and so I feel numb at this point. Part of me is relieved, and has already grieved this out, but I feel like I have PTSD.
Hi dede....
Submitted by c ur self on
Is it possible he just told you he was still in love with a college girl friend in hopes you would divorce him? If he felt the marriage was beyond repair, and wanted out, do you think he would have reservations (appearances, matters of faith etc...) about filing? I just don't get it...Why now? Over 30 years, and all the disinterest you have endured for the past long time...Now at his age its his feelings for some college girl friend, I don't buy it....Know wonder your head is spinning....
Not judging him, but I'm a man and if I was treating you like he is and has been...I can tell you right now that I would be hiding something much bigger than college memories....
Blessings...
C