For anyone reading this....the term "Going through the wall" has a particular significance to me from my childhood. As a competitive swimmer beginning at the age of 6 and coming from a family dysfunction that completely undermined my ability to have any faith and belief in myself....and the fact I had un-diagnosed ADHD in those terms...created a situation where I was singled out in my family as the "one" who could not be trusted. I was the only one in my family, where all other family members (but particularly my parents) that had no faith and trust extended to. Not only that, but discouraged, but down beneath, held back, and sabotaged by everyone who refused to believe in me or believed that I could never do anything for or by myself. The only thing they could see from this narrow perspective was my failures and nothing else. This disabled me, not from having ADHD, (which in my mind is neither a disorder nor a disability )..... but from ONLY this false perception itself. What happens when you someone refuses to believe in you...is you begin not believe in yourself and doubt your own abilities. The damage that this false belief had to my sense of self worth and self esteem cannot be fully realized by anyone who has not had this experience. Only to say, that if you grow up in an environment, where no one will believe you and you have to prove everything "first"....before you are allowed to move forward or even given the chance.... this becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for the non believers. At the very heart of this mis-belief ....when I became a victim of this kind of mental and emotional abuse as the effect in the untold damage this causes you..... comes the story of courage and personal triumph and faith.
As I recall the many times, as my swim coach ( Mr Rod Harmon ) a man who was instrumental in my healing and repairing the damage done to me and restoring my own personal faith.....would pull our team aside and give us his little motivational speeches to. And one in particular, that he shared with us as we sat on the cold pool deck huddled around him went something like this......
"The human body is an amazing thing. It is capable of feats that go beyond your imagination. It can withstand an incredible amount of abuse, and can repair itself to better than it was before hand. There have been times in history, when humans in the face of great adversity and to save the life of another human being in countless situations of catastrophic events, that can summon within them a power that goes beyond there own capabilities and limitations. There have been accounts of those who have lifted cars off the ground in order to save the life of someone trapped or being crushed underneath them in order to free them and save that persons life. In these moments...that person digs down deep inside them and finds a strength that they never knew existed."
As he continued this story, he related it to swimming and in those moments when your body starts to fail and the "bear jumps on your back." (as the reference in those terms) To gain a better understanding of what he was talking about....this is the moment of truth for any competitor when they come to that wall.... where your mind is screaming for you to STOP.... from the excruciating pain you are feeling from the blood leaving your arms and legs and your body is beginning to fail you.
To continue as he on with his speech..... "When you body hits that wall....it's the time to not listen to what your mind is telling you. Your mind is responding to your body since you are now going past the point that it has enough oxygen to stay alive if you continue further. It is sending a message to you mind that says you are dying...but in reality, it does this way in advance of that ever happening. In this case, your body is lying to your brain and you have a huge amount of lee-way before you would ever get close to doing any damage to yourself."
"The difference between winning and losing any race...comes in the last 10 yards and when you reach that wall. Most anyone can make it to that point and the race will be even up to then.....it's the person who can endure this pain and go through the wall...is the person who will win the race in that last 10 yards. To do this...you must summon the same power and courage and believing that it's possible....in order to go through the wall and win."
From the first time I heard this story...and heard it repeatedly for the next 10 years of competing....I had never managed to find it in myself to do what he had said. And because of this....my status and times reflected my inability to find a way through. For 10 years I tried....and for that many I failed to do so. It was not until the day...that I began to believe in myself....did that ever happen. On this day.....something came over me and that I cannot explain...but it may be likened to the story of the "Grinch" where his heart grew beyond it's size and the courage that comes to you when that happens.
As it was....I was entered into the meet by the best time I had previous. This place me one heat behind the last heat...where only the fastest swimmers competed side by side. I did have the fastest lane in the middle of the pool which meant the competitors next to me were only slightly slower than the best time I had ever recorded. And as it is with swimming, once the race begins....you can't really hear much beyond the sound of water rushing in your ears...as well as being able to really see who next to you or where the other swimmers you are racing against. But as any swimmer knows who's sitting on deck resting... playing cards... or reading magazines while killing time between races. When you her the noise of the crowd slowly getting louder and increasing in volume....you know something big is about to happen and everyone rushes to the edge of the pool to witness the event about to happen.
And as it was for me....when swimming in this particular race (100yd Backstroke)...I began to notice something different which told me the same thing. As I approached the final wall before returning to the other end of the pool.....I began to notice other swimmers lining up along the edge of the pool. I then began to hear the crowd noise coming over the rushing in my ears. When I hit the last wall on my return and pushed off....I saw my coach standing right above me circling his arms and whistling over any other noise I could hear. I knew immediately what that meant since he only did this when you were ahead of the fastest recorded time at that point and you potentially were going to go below it and set a new one yourself. At that point in the race....I only had 15 yards to go.
This was the first time in over 10 years that I had ever been in that position before. I had watched my coach do this countless times with other swimmers and now....there I was....and there was my coach animated and excited and encouraging me to go through the wall. And that was the moment he had been talking about that I had been there countless times before but had never made it through. This time however.....I heard the crowd....I saw my fellow competitors lining up to "see something" (the term used on the inside for this situation) ....and my coach standing there confirming that they believed in me and believed I could do it. And because of this kind of encouragement....I could not let them down.
And as I came to understand in the next 8 seconds of excruciating pain.....that it was worth every ounce of pain and suffering I had to endure. This was when I fully realized my own potential...and the realization of the story that I had heard so long ago. I went though the wall, and set a new record. One that had stood for over 11 years from a guy that I had always looked up too from below....and only dreamed of ever becoming as fast as he was. And when that happened to me....I was no longer below anyone ever again. The time that I recorded not only set a record...but it beat everyone including all the fastest swimmers ahead of me which earned me 1rst place.
From that day moving forward....I knew that if I stayed with it and didn't quit....I could go through that wall again each time I came to it. It only takes once to know that it is possible.....instead of believing it might not be. But what it took me to get there....was just one person who believed in me and believed I could do it. All I needed was one person to do this for me....and from time moving forward....I could do it for myself and need no one to this for me ever again. At that point....I believed in myself and I believed I could do it any time I made my mind up to do it whenever I really wanted to. And as this holds true to this day......I just did it again with my wife.
As of this morning after a huge fight we had about this very thing only last night when I refused to back down and made her listen to me to me and went through the wall. In this case...I came to her in the last 10 yards and made a believer out of her. How I did this is less important to getting her to actually believing in me...and that's all I need her from this time moving forward but this time unlike any other..... she trusts me understand and the reason why. I can sense the weight has lifted and the room fill with the same air of triumph for the both of us, I can taste it...and I know that flavor when it's in my mouth. For my wife and I.....it is the taste and flavor of trust and believing and I know that one without a shadow of a doubt:)
J
Seeing Is Believing
Submitted by kellyj on
Jason Lezak....going through the wall:)
https://youtu.be/sxy920Nd7yY
J
: )
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
J
Going Through the Wall: Denial and Resistance A Winning Strategy
Submitted by kellyj on
Denial and Resistance
Nobody likes change. It's the human condition. When a change is required in our lives, before we can accept that change, we first deny the need to change and resist the change.
It is much like the stages of recovering from grief. When a person has to face change, denial and resistance are the best forms of defense.
* Sometimes, as practitioners, we can get frustrated.
** Sometimes we may entertain the thought of sending our clients away and telling them to come back when they are ready because, as we know, acceptance of the problem is the key to resolving the problem.
These fears, denials and resistance are openings where you can work wonders to help a person break through their denial.
1) Good detective work is important here.
2) With exploration you'll find, more often than not, that there's more than one person upset with the client’s behavior. They are probably angry or resentful towards the person pushing them into change.
3) Meet the client where the client is!
2) The person may come to you and say they don't have a problem and your are the one who has the problem just because you are complaining about their behavior.
6) Tap on the anger and resentment the client is feeling towards certain people that are pushing for a behavior change.
7) When the anger and resentment is at a low..... a great question to ask at that point is, “What do you think you'll have to do to get these people off your back?”
8) Usually, at this point, the client may come up with several solutions that will actually help resolve the problem. The solution may not be perfect, but it's a great start!
9) The next question you might want to ask is “What can get in the way of you achieving that goal?”
10) New tap-able issues will emerge.
This is the same strategy I used with my non-ADHD wife to break through her denial in order to save our relationship. I outlined this so I could tell you how I did this. As they say....it's easy once you know how. I didn't know how myself and had to figure this out by myself. This was the process...that I just went through in the past two years and finally found the combination that worked for me by trying different things until it worked.
As I have discovered......as of yesterday morning. This is the one that worked for me. Using the steps of grieving as my guide....I checked to see which stage my wife was displaying....and countered her denial with consistent and repetitive messages....each time. To learn anything new....repetition is the key. In the face of someone in denial, not backing down and straying from the formula is the thing that is the most difficult for you the person on the other side. Not quitting...and not giving up....is what you have to do.
In my own way....I had to go through my own wall in order to do this. It takes inner strength, persistence and stubborn resistance to make it through to them.
* Sometimes, as the person on the other side of denial , we can get frustrated.
** Sometimes we may entertain the thought of sending our clients away and telling them to come back when they are ready because, as we know, acceptance of the problem is the key to resolving the problem.
Stage 1) When I first came to this forum....I was doubting myself and my abilities. I was reacting with anger myself...in the face of my wife;s own resistance and anger response to her denial. I had to make sure that I was standing on solid ground myself...and make sure that I was clean before I could be confident enough to know how to proceed. This was the first stage in this process. I used my T to help me through this part and to check in to see if I was missing anything or to bounce ideas off of to give me clues and verify if I was on the right track and keep me there.
Stage 2) Once I knew I was clean....I needed to get a hold of my anger and frustration in the face of accusations, blaming, Gaslighting and other defense mechanisms employed by my wife that were countering all my efforts in combating her denial. This is and tiring relentless process which took almost two years to accomplish.
In order to stay clean and be clean....I needed to work on all the things that I did that she could use as ammo against me. Working on and improving my own ADHD symptoms was the way in which I did this.
2) The person may come to you and say they don't have a problem and your are the one who has the problem just because you are complaining about their behavior. Doing this in the face of someone attacking you at your core and hitting me below the belt by using my ADHD symptoms as a weapon against me almost killed me but....I had my experience in swimming to fall back on and use as my motivation to endure the pain and energy this took out of me. Where theres a will....there's a way. Exploiting my own strengths here were key:
-inner strength: stubborn, strong willed, head strong, highly resistant, immunity to adversarial relationships, skillful at engagement and not backing down from a fight as well as passive resistance while maintaining my own balance.
Smoke em' if you got em'....and use what you got!
Stage 3) Staying clean meant....not making anything I did contingent on my wife's behavior. No mater what she did or said....I stayed on course and countered her measures to sabotage me in the same methods employed by my own family. This was the hardest thing I have ever accomplished in my own personal relationships. This was going through the wall again.
3) Meet the client where the client is! This is meeting your opponent head on where they live by exploiting there weakness's. To do this..you need to: Predicting them ahead of time and always staying one step ahead of them. Surprise is very effective. In this case. Targeting specific ADHD symptoms that I knew really bugged her and focused on those was key in doing this.
The Book: The Art of War...was instrumental in giving me strategies in order to do this. Play chess...with a checkers player.
2) The person may come to you and say they don't have a problem and your are the one who has the problem just because you are complaining about their behavior.
This is passive resistance. When the climate turns competitive....this is where I had to match her offensive with an equal and opposite response to counter. When the bait and switch came....I had to learn how to recognize and then go into "game on" mode. Nice shoot'in solder but two can play at that game. This is where I can shine and use my skills in this area to my advantage and go on the offensive.
To engage my wife in this way.....I had to turn the tables on her and throw everything I had back in return fire. I had to stay true to myself and not get hijacked into the same behavior she was attempting on me in order to do this. Balance, Qi and The Art of War...and doing the right thing in the face of someone doing the wrong thing and staying away from Tit for Tat myself.
My biggest personal challenge was my ability to effectively communicate. My aggressive communication style was hindering me ability to be effective which is still on the list of challenges I'm working on. However....in the face of everything else on my plate...I had to stay true to who I am and not try and fight to many fronts or become overwhelmed myself. I tried repeatedly to do too much at once and I had to choose my battles in my own challenges and put some on hold in order to maintain my strategy.
Divide...and conquer.
In light of this last challenge....I had to combat the same challenge that I face with my wife. This was where this forum was invaluable and what I learned here was extremely telling....
Statements of "they" in terms of ADHD is a huge red flag and a sign of weakness in your opponent. "They" and "we" statements, as well as the "Argumentum Ad Populum"...just because many say it's true....doesn't mean it is." or " gathering the troops " as they say. If you are out numbered and "They" statements are being used. It shows that "They" the opponent...are afraid themselves and afraid of meeting you one on one. Use this weakness to your advantage and use this against them by targeting this as a means to throw your opponent off guard and attacking these statements at their core and refuting them with the Universal Truth. The Universal Truth will always prevail in case of attack against a greater number who are ganging up on the one. This is hitting below the belt the tactics and a sign of weakness. Meet the opponent...where they live. Divide and Conquer..in the The Art of War.
To exploit this weakness.....Divide and Conquer is imperative. Getting your opponent one on one is the goal here and meeting them where they live. If they are ganging up on you and using these statements to throw you off balance and to get unfair advantage...it is imperative to take measures to combat this one first in your offensive and not fight more than one front at a time. This was Napoleons undoing at Waterloo.
side note: I have talked many times on this forum referring to my father as "learning from the best." This was one of my "Aces in the Hole." I have never met another human being on the planet....who was better at using these techniques to manipulate and control other people. In his case...he used these as a weapon as a predator. In my case.....I used the same techniques I learned from a life time of living with a man who taught me how to do it for a greater good.
***Using what you got means....use them wisely and turning a negative into a positive purpose and goal. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water and use you mind instead of your fists to fight for your relationship. When out numbered or meeting a greater force than your own.....divide and separate and pick off the opponents one by one.....weakest first in order of progression. Divide and Conquer....as described in the Art of War.
6) Tap on the anger and resentment the client is feeling towards certain people that are pushing for a behavior change. This is where passive resistance will not work. You need to know when to fight...and when to run. Sometimes....turning on the aggressive offensive and fighting is your only option.
Going on the aggressive offense is meeting anger head on and not backing down. In Qi.....grounding opponents attack forces will hamstring your opponent and disable their ability to fight. This is exactly what I did the other night and by using this technique. Once you can do this....they will be defenseless. As I did the other night....I threw all my guns at once at my wife by dumping all her faults and weakness at her by throwing them in her face in a way that overwhelmed her without anywhere to go. Maneuvering your opponent into the corner and getting them on the ropes.... but showing mercy is the approach you must use in this case.
Timing is everything. If you miss your window of opportunity....you will have to wait until next time.
7) When the anger and resentment is at a low..... a great question to ask at that point is, “What do you think you'll have to do to get these people off your back?”
Once I had my wife on the ropes right where I wanted her....I showed mercy and backed off and waiting until the next morning. This was when I went through the wall of my wife's denial and finally broke through by employing what I learned from years of therapy. I had to punch enough holes in my wife's denial repeatedly over time to get her to this weakened state and I used my intuition and instincts to now the right time.
End Game...Game Over
9) The next question you might want to ask is “What can get in the way of you achieving that goal?”
10) New tap-able issues will emerge.
This was when I went through the wall with my wife and broke things open. It's was amazing how fast she began talking about everything that I had been simply trying to talk about and she absolutely refused. The weight was lifted and the air was clear. The ice that was inside her was shattered and the feeling and taste of trust and warmth has returned to my wife and the spell was broken.
What I just outline in retrospect...was the entire process from start to finish in how I broke through my wife's denial. This may have been the hardest and most difficult thing I have ever done. It take courage, faith and trust.....but before that can happen....you have to believe in yourself and what you are doing first.
The language I used here is aggressive and possibly offensive to some. So be it. It's the only language I knew in respect to how to describe it. I think you could take everything I just said...and use a completely different language to say the same thing but in respect to me and my own language and being true to myself and what I know and believe in. This is the only language that I know....at the time. lol
This I'm still working on and trying to learn different languages but the problem was never my language...the problem was my non-ADHD wife's denial of her own problems and getting her on the same page with me was far more important than cherry picking one symptom and making that the Forest. This was the technique she was trying to pull on me in getting me away from her problems and not looking at her own.
Nice try. Like I said.....Nice shoot'in solder...two can play at that game. If you want to play serious life and death games with me......I only play to win or I will die trying.
I am stubborn:)
J
Kinda get your message, kinda don't
Submitted by ADHD_Highway_to... on
I liked your posts regarding how you dealt with your wife, but it seemed kinda vague. . . I think I'm dealing with similar issues. . . my DW has had it with my ADHD to the point of losing faith in me and pointing out my every fault and foible. . . . was this you? I know I have my own issues, boy DO I, but I feel my DW just completely dumps on me every chance she gets while not dealing with her own issues. . . for instance, she's been at me to see a professional, and while I may not be regular, she is never. . . . when I've even hinted at that, I get from her that SHE'S the only adult in the room and every problem in the marriage is my problem, and she's just reacting to it, SHE'S the only one working in the marriage on the marriage, etc.
So I guess my issues are 2 fold:
1. What specifically did you do in your "Art of War" - you seemed to kind of explain the tactics used, but were kind of vague.
2. Was your "wall" just dealing with your wife, or with your ADHD issues? For me, I feel like I've got a hundred plates spinning that need to be tended to, but in my analyzing what one to go to next, I've waited too long and ALL of them fall down. I've got a huge case of analysis paralysis and can't seem to get out of my own way. I've seen countless professionals, but (whine whine), it seems like I never have any time to "work" it. I get up at 5AM, got to work, get home about 5 - 6 PM, make dinner, do the stuff around the house to keep it running, and before I know it, it is 10 - 11PM, I'm exhausted and the only thing I want to do is veg out before I fall asleep and start it all over again. Do you have any specific game plans that you recommend or practice yourself that got you to break through the wall?
I know this was your post, but thanks for any info you can give me. . .
I Think I Can Answer This For You More Specifically
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi Highway_to,
By no means do I have all the answers here. (are you kidding me? lol ) We all have our own situations and challenges but as you described yours here with me. I do share the same ones for sure. Time and the amount of energy you have available to you. That pretty much sums it up right there.
And yes, your right....it's kind of vague in how I present(ed) alot of what I've shared here...and that's mainly because these are thoughts or ideas that I'm thinking about or using at the time without any real results or conclusions made from them yet. More the processes and attitudes I'm trying to adopt of use to get past my own stumbling blocks the same as you sound you are. In that much....we definitely share the same challenges for sure so I can try and give you the insights or my own thoughts on the parts that I can see we share in common in a general way. I think the spaces in between that most of us aren't sharing in there entirety on this forum (the specifics and details)...are going to have a lot to do with how well something will work for one person to the next. Specifically for me since TMI (too much information) and not being open aren't my issues (LOL)...the only reticence I have in giving advise or specifics with trying to steer people at all is only from my own lack of good results yet and kind of trying to stay somewhat vague on purpose since I'm not there yet in a lot of ways but maybe past the half way point if that makes sense?
Anyway, enough qualifiers and legal disclaimers and to your questions. lol
The Art of War for me is definitely a philosophy I've adapted (not adopted per se ) to fit the attitude that I have already had from years of training for the sports I've participated mainly swimming and Triathlon training that I did when I was younger. This was me....taking what I already had in that respect...and trying to capitalize on ( a strength )...that is...the mental aspects taken from that and augmenting it to replace what I can't get from doing those same things now myself. To translate I'll give you an idea of what I'm talking about...
My typical day as I remember (just as I remember it lol )
You may think that as a swimmer....I have gotten past any issues I have surrounding water and that would be true aside from one. I hate cold water!!!! lol I hate it with a passion to the point...it's one of the rudest experience I can imagine and one of my biggest issues that (some find exhilarating and refreshing)..is jumping into cold water and being cold. I hate it more that you will ever know!! lol I hate everything about it and then some...to the point that you might think that doing it so much would lesson the impact this has on me. Not one bit even after being in it for half my life growing up and even later at times. That alone will prevent me from going swimming or doing anything in water at times...yet I had to do it everyday. I'm really being serious and I'm not embellishing here. lol And nothing has changed to this day when it comes to this.
Yet...I Love the water so much....I Love it more...than I hate getting into cold water. And I Love all the activities (all of them) that I've participated that has to do with being in cold water as well. Scuba diving, water skiing, surfing, open water swimming etc....
Even though I don't do all those things anymore....this Love/Hate relationship I have with cold water is the same thing I apply to my ADHD or my other relationships I have with anything including my wife. So in terms that I can directly relate with personally....I've adapted the Art of War to in order to over come my personal issues surrounding them. So embracing what you Hate...and instead of moving away from it or avoiding it...you attack it aggressively in the same kind of adversarial relationship you have with anything else you might choose....this becomes the (new) adaptive strategy to replace the old one you have....in order to do what you hate...and still continue to do it on a regular basis and persist in doing what you hate in an on going basis.
Honestly....I've found that this idealized way of seeing things when trying to convince yourself that you have to Love everything and Love conquers all is not realistic at all. Some times...we hate things. And in order to do what we hate.... in order to overcome the challenges you have with them....this notion of Love filling our souls and never feeling hatred toward something fails to consider that some times....you just hate something and that will never change. Some things....we hate...and there's just no getting around it? lol
And sometimes even for brief moments or (even longer...hopefully only a matter of minutes? )....we hate our spouses and other people!! lol
If I apply my absolute and utter hatred of getting into cold water to any of these things and apply the Art of War to them in the same way....this becomes a personal philosophy that you adopt in order to overcome obstacles. Obstacles = Love/Hate adversarial relationships we have with anything.
Going back to cold water for me. I would do anything....not to get into cold water and to the point...I might even say....I'd die first before you'd see me doing that...that's how strongly I felt towards doing that for any reason. And yet....I had to do it everyday...to get to what I Loved even more. That's a pretty powerful statement and yet it's true.
Mental images of my remembering moments like this....
On summer vacation from school as a kid. While sitting in the dressing room at 7:00am....imagining all the other kids in the world (of course) slumbering all warm in their beds sleeping in since they didn't have to get up and go swimming like I did (poor poor me)...there I was getting undressed, half asleep in an unheated dressing room at an outdoor pool and it's only 60 degrees outside...already in my Speedo...walking out onto the deck and looking at the steam coming off the pool going (M*&%ther F*&%^ker...I so do not want to do this!!!! lol ). This is going to be bad. And it was....everyday!!! LOL
I don't care how many times I did that. It never got better ever. Like I said...to this day...I still feel the same way. It was literally traumatizing it was that bad and yet....I did it anyway.
But also making this a very important point here. It was only bad...for the first 5 minutes. After that....that all went away even to the point....that it felt great after that. And it felt even greater...when it was over and now....I'm awake....invigorated...and I felt strong and powerful for the entire day. No mater what I faced for the rest of the day....nothing was as bad as what I experienced first thing in the morning. By overcoming my hatred of cold water.....I conquered it and had control of what I hated and it did not control me because by not doing it...I never would have gained that kind of power and control in anything else. Even as a kid without any insights or special knowledge other than just doing it.... I chose to do what I hated ...which gave me the power and control you gain from doing it.... which also allowed me to doing anything after that.
This is what I took from that experience and try to apply it to things now. It's a game we play with ourselves...in our minds....that's all it is. The Art of War...is just a game...nothing more. The big difference with this kind of game however....is that's it's personal....and you don't share it with anyone.
To the point Highway_to.....I've never shared what I just said with anyone ever before until just now. Not because it's so personal or not something that I'm afraid of sharing or embarrassed by....but as I sit and think about it....no one has asked me before...or had a need to until just now here with you. I think that's part of TMI....unless someone wants to know?
And as far as answering #2 about "the wall"? I think I just did...so I'll leave it right there.
I hope that is less vague....without giving you specific advise in how to apply it yourself. Only you know what you Love and Hate in order to apply it the same for yourself? :)
J
PS On a personal level "Irreconcilable differences" is an oxymoron. There is no such thing. That's just a legal construct or definition in that arena only. In reality...it doesn't exist. That's also a game or lie we adopt that is not true. Yes...or...No. It's is always a choice.
Making Something Your Own
Submitted by kellyj on
Highway.....I just remembered something that was really important about this experience that I had that I think is extremely relevant to this discussion. One more thing I forgot to share.
I'm speculating a little bit here...but I'm basing this off of what I've learned more recently about those of us who have ADHD. This came directly from Dr Russel Barkley's research in saying that ODD (or being oppositional ) is a strong tendency that goes along with ADHD. For myself....I have this strong tendency and did growing up in my family situation.
Speaking only for myself. I wanted to be good....but I was motivated to do bad things at times due to my circumstances and feeling no other options available to me. Point blank. The desire to be good....only led to bad choices (not the ADHD symptoms themselves) only for the fact that choices were being made for me...that I could see were not good for me even if those making those decisions felt otherwise. Passive aggression starts to become an accumulated internal pressure and need or outlet for it to escape.
As much as those on the opposing side of this dilemma...have there own feelings towards this (even good reasons seen by most people)....only you know what's good or bad for you and many times....those opposing you are wrong. Dead wrong...and you know it like the back of your hand. The more someone on related to you that has some power over you in ways that you know without question that are bad for you....it makes no difference whether everyone else agrees on what's good or bad for everyone and make those kinds of decisions based on everyone.....and then tries to exert this kind of control or power over you and you are forced to do what's bad for you in terms of having ADHD....you begin to hate them for it and you hate doing things that are bad for you even if you realize they aren't doing it to hurt you or out of ignorance of these challenges that you face from having ADHD. That is a recipe for becoming ODD right there.
In the same way as those who don't have ADHD are negatively effected by those of us who have it (for all legitimate reasons). It is no different coming from our side of things and knowing that they're wrong. Dead wrong...for just as legitimate reasons but yet....you have no leg to stand on or make any arguments to the contrary and no one is going to beleive you or listen and they really don't care. Not caring about you and your challenges based on this....is a true statement and there is no getting around this for anyone unless you understand it looking at this from both sides. And mostly....because those who don't have it...don't care in this way.....not caring...is exactly why.....we don't care about others since it has to work both ways but it doesn't and this is totally not fair. But life isn't fair as they say. But in the essence of this....it's a little less fair for us due to ignorance and nothing else. Without ignorance...it would start out as an even slate (which it never is ) and things would be different.
Going back to this important detail that I didn't share (and going back in time again....how I remember it exactly not how I feel today )
The desire to be good.....but with the pent up hostility created by this condition of ignorance on the part of my parents. Control of something and the choice or say in the matter means having something that is your own. Something of meaning or value that you do not have to share with anyone...no one can control...and no one gets a say or choice in the matter aide from you. This is your deal and your decision and your choice period.
And when I had the first opportunity to jump on this. For me...it was swimming. This was not my parents idea of what would be good for me. They didn't bring it up and they had no choice in whether I did it or not. They had no choice in other words and for me...this was what I needed more than anything. This could have played out a number of different ways and by fate or destiny....it worked out in my favor.
Out of a lack of interest in what I did from my parents...and a lack of thinking about me or what was good or bad for me (indifference, preoccupation with themselves, ignorance or just dumb luck)....in terms of some parents who were different than mine (many as I saw this with other swimmers on my team) these kids were directed and even signed up without there consent as something their parents saw that was in their best interest.
I watched these kids...come and go...and for no other reason....I stayed. I was the last man standing in those terms and the one of the oldest veterans on my team at the end of my time there. But this was only a side effect of this imbalance and my intense need for ownership. It wasn't from my dedication or for the status in other words. It was from a need to have something that no one had any control over and it was the one thing that provided me an outlet for all that hostility that I had surrounding my home situation at the time. It wasn't FOR my parents. It wasn't FOR my future. It wasn't FOR my deep commitment. It was FOR me....period. Right now...in the here and now. This was a 1 to 1 relationship in real time and no one could take that from me. As I see this...this was completely self serving 100%. That is...if your viewing this from an adult perspective now. As a kid....this was par for the course.
The memory of one time that proved this to me.
One time...my father drove my mother and I to a meet out of town and he started doing his thing and putting his nose in where it was not only not welcome...it was a such and extreme violation to me...and something so sacred to me...that I never truly forgave him for that for a very long time.
In his misguided idea of motivation ( beyond de-motivational actually ) he tried to steal my thunder and he accomplished only one thing in the process. I hated him to the depths of my soul for doing it. An intense rage and hatred that I will never forget.
I had worked extremely hard in preparing for this swim meet and it was a big qualifying meet to advance to the next level. This was it and this was what I had trained for many months to get to for myself. Just before I was about to go to check in only 20 minutes before the race. In a moment of utter stupidity and selfishness on my fathers part since he was barely involved or invested at any time or showed any real interest in me for the most part including being involved in my swimming career....I see him calling me over to the bleachers and he tells me this " Hey....I was just talking with (some father from a swimmer I was competing against on another team that I don't remember because it was most likely a lie and not true anyway) XXX...and I just made a bet and put money on you that you were going to beat his son. Go do it "for your old man."
If things had been different...and I would have felt like my father had actually Loved me or felt any close feelings for him what so ever. This may have been different. This was my father....trying to prove to himself...that I Loved him anyway despite what he knew that was true. He had no Love to give...but he wanted Love in return and was using the most valuable currency that he knew for himself which was money in order to do this. And if he had deluded himself to the point...that he didn't know that I knew what he was doing in that very instant....he was that completely out of touch with reality and that far gone which was exactly true. He effectively took from me the most valuable thing I owned...and corrupted it and perverted something so precious to me...that the only thing I could think about during the entire race I swam...was how much I hated him. That was the end result of this brilliant moment in a failed attempt to motivate me which back fired beyond comprehension on my fathers part and myself at the time.
The race was a bust....and I never wanted him to see me swim or take part in anything that had to do with swimming ever again and I made it very clear to him by the very performance itself. Not intentionally oppositional or defiant? Are you kidding me. I had poured myself into that moment and it meant everything to me and I would have never intentionally blown that race over something like that. No way. It was my fathers complete ignorance and unwillingness to understand me and what was most important to me...that he violated in as I saw it...and lack of all Love or understanding as to why this was so foul for me. I really did hate him so intensely after that...I made sure he would never do that again by any means possible and made sure to let him know by my actions...that he was never welcome to participate, be part of, or be involved with swimming ever again unless just viewing me from the outside. I made sure he could take no credit or pride what so ever from anything accomplishment that I ever did as a result of this one moment of stupidity as I saw it. I will always remember how I felt about this and that was being pretty honest.
It's not to say I feel that way now or even see this the same at this time at all. Completely different way of seeing and it and any feelings along those lines have long since been resolved. But that doesn't mean I don't remember how I feel as well as remembering how I got there which is the most important aspect for me to see in this. Any denial I might have surrounding this event or trying to put a bow on it or make it sound better on my part....would be lie and I would be deluding myself otherwise.
But also to say.....that the dynamic that was present that no one understood at the time...is the same dynamic that has repeated itself again in my life and there is no arguing the legitimacy as to why it exists.
And to the point and making this point in no uncertain terms. The level of hatred and the level of animosity over something that might appear rather innocuous to someone else...cannot be discounted. I have never felt more hatred towards anyone in my entire life over this event....than in that moment and for exactly this reason. No one has ever surpassed the level of intense hatred and animosity from doing exactly this....than I have ever experienced in my lifetime of memories for exactly the reasons I said.
The only way you could ever understand this for anyone including me....is to see this in it;s entirety in the big picture. The little picture or the trees....will never explain it to you but yet....whether you can see it or understand it from the outside looking in....my feelings and emotions are not up for debate. My feelings were mine and my perception was what it was at the time. You can't argue or debate another persons feelings or their perceptions at any given moment no matter who you are? All you can do...is try and understand them. The lack of understanding...and the unwillingness to understand...is what this is all about.
And at the time what I didn't realize was....my feelings were right. I felt intense guilt for feeling the way I did..and a great deal of shame for feeling this way. It was because I wanted to be good and my desire in all things was to good any way possible. What was sacred to me..was the process of saving my own life and this was no joke or laughing matter. The level of emotion surrounding this process...and the seriousness of saving my own life was not something that you can discount if you can see it from that point of view. This was beyond sacred or personal....this was my life as it was at the time and it was all I had to call my own for that reason and nothing more.
I think it's important to understand the weight things carry in order to understand why someone might feel the way they do even if you don't feel that way yourself. This is what I take from that and the lesson that this taught me.
A very important and critical detail here so you can get the big picture and why it's sooo critically important. The devil is in the details as they say.
J
Allogoric Connection (edit addition)
Submitted by kellyj on
I just remembered something from my own story that I can relate here. The same day I broke the record for myself....I swam on a team relay just like in the video. I swam an even faster time in the relay the same evening and we (together) set a new record in that event as well. As I found to be true....the motivation is different....when you are doing it for someone else and not just yourself.
And the allegory in the real life story of the USA Team beating the French? The French were arrogant, self assuming and thought they were going to win and had it in the bag.
You can see it in the smugness on their faces before the race. (1:08 in the video....the guy sitting down to the right was the last French swimmer and the smirk of self righteous arrogance from the glance from the 1rst French swimmer looking over at the USA team thinking it was all over before the race began ) Twitchy, nervous and unpredicatable.
Compare that...to Jason Lezak (1:34) standing behind Michael Phelps. Looking down and unassuming and indifferent. He would be the one I would be worried about as my adversary in comparison just from the how he carried himself. That would be the person I would have my eye on if I were there. Just an observation in my own experience. Same as when he finished and how he was after the race. The look of a Veteran who knows what he's doing. He drew the least attention to himself and was in "game on" mode and was there to "bring it." Not there...to prove anything to anyone or put on a show for everyone else. Relaxed, calm, cool, reserved and laid back.
In my mind...that's a dangerous look as an adversary. That look says Macho all over it. In my book at least as an opponenet.
False bravado, over confident, outwardly aggressive, "Macho" looking (or presenting) and arrogance......this is a sign of insecurity and weakness to be exploited and used against them in the mental game. That was the French team. Just say'in:)
And the one who did most of the "smack" talking, putting down the USA team ahead of time and was the most arrogant....was the last French guy to swim. The one who got beat from his own arrogance and left in shame at the end of the race. You can see it on their faces while everyone was looking on.
As the commentator stated......"stunned."
And as it was with my wife....she was "stunned" and with no where to go after our huge fight over this. It's how I could come to her the next morning and break through her wall of denial since....she had no where to go after that and she couldn't Gaslight me anymore. Her only choice...was to sit and listen since I hamstrung her and put into the ground the night before. Just like the USA relay team did to the French team.
If this isn't Allegoric....I don't know what else is?:)
FYI: Jason Lezak was 33 years old compared to the other swimmers on the two teams who were 25 years old and younger who had the the youthful advantage. Heart vs superior strength.
Good coaching!
Submitted by jennalemone on
What a glorious feeling to know you are in the right place at the right time and all systems go and everyone is behind you. And it all comes together. I hope this is a lasting breakthrough and keeps going from now on.
Thank You Jenna
Submitted by kellyj on
In all of this and what I learned.....I tried to include what worked and use people who showed me the way to get there. In the last day or so....the difference in my wife I can tell. How I know this will last? We're actually talking about her problems as well as mine...and she actually lets me and she actually responds back. For the first time ever.
I think once you see it.....you can't unsee it. Know what I mean Jelly Bean?:)
J
Congrats from me, too
Submitted by Delphine on
Yes, people can change! Glad you two are communicating better.
Onward and upward!
:)
Delphine