First of all, I'm new to this forum. Today is my first day, and this is my first post. I happened upon this website accidentally while trying to research info about ADHD. My husband is undiagnosed, but he has ALL of the symptoms: I want to clarify that I love him, and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't imagine my life without him...he's a great guy, and he is a wonderful man, but there is just something wrong...and it's ADHD.
Trouble focusing or concentrating - most times he can't focus under the best of circumstances, and if there is ANYTHING going on around him, he might as well forget it.
Restlessness - he can't relax - he can barely make it through a 30-minute TV show - he always has to skip the commercials and any "boring" parts (aka conversation without action)
Impulsivity - When he wants something, whether it be a new gadget or sex - he wants it right then, and he won't take no for an answer.
Difficulty completing tasks - there are probably 50 unfinished projects around our house - that he absolutely HAD to start right this minute - but never got around to finishing
Disorganization - his truck, his desk at home..all look like a tornado has just passed through
Low frustration tolerance - he can't stand for things to not go 100% smoothly
Frequent mood swings - one minute he's the greatest guy ever, and the next he's SO angry at me (or someone) about nothing
Hot temper - like I said, he gets SO angry, sometimes violent, over NOTHING.
Trouble coping with stress - that's the understatement of the year
Unstable relationships - every day is a struggle for our marriage - and he doesn't seem to be able to maintain close friendships.
But there is SO MUCH more. It's all of the little things...he never puts anything away, he always leaves cabinet doors open. One day, I was about to take out the trash and he said he would do it when he went out. I said no, I was going to do it because I didn't want it to be sitting around in the house...this escalated into an argument. I know it sounds trivial, but EVERY time he says he'll take out the trash when he goes out to the shop, it ends up sitting there, beside the door for at least a day, until I take it out. EVERYTHING is this way. And then there's his anger/paranoia...he doesn't trust anyone. One day, he found a reel loosened in his shop, and he SWORE he didn't do it. So, obviously, someone had picked the lock, went in there and loosed up the screws in that one fishing reel - just to mess with him. That seemed so ridiculous to me. I really tried to be understanding and supportive, but... it's this way about everything. At least a couple of times a week, he finds something something is messed up, someone did it to him - he's even accused me of some pretty ridiculous stuff. I can't go anywhere or do anything unless I do it with his mom or someone in his family - not my girlfriends - because two of them are divorced, and if I go out with them - even to a restaurant - I'll be trying to pick up men. He accuses me of checking out other guys when we're out. This has gotten so bad, that I refuse to make eye contact or even look in the general direction of a male. If I mention any of my male co-workers, I'm attracted to them. One of my co-workers is a guy that I have known my whole life - he is very happily married with two kids, and we work closely together, but if I mention anything that happened at work, I have to be careful what I say so as not to set my husband off.
By the way, his mom...has been wonderful. She is helping me encourage him to see a doctor....
And about the doctor...he went to a doctor last year, but he wasn't honest about what was going on. Of course, he didn't want me to go with him. So, he came back with a prescription for a mild form of xanax for his "anxiety." Apparently, all he told the doctor was that he was overly stressed and he was getting a little angry because of his stress and anxiety. Then, after he came home, he ended up getting upset at the doctor and said the doctor was just a pill pusher who had no interest in really helping my husband, just getting him hooked on xanax. Well, the doctor was the same one that I had been seeing for years. He's a good doctor, he listens, takes time and tries to diagnose - but he can't treat what he doesn't know about...so he has an appointment with a different doctor in a couple of weeks...
Re: The Good, The Bad, and The Paranoid
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Hi KrazyKrysi,
Well, it definitely sounds like ADHD...but the violence part, that's scary! What does he do to you? Do you have kids? Why is he so jealous? Neither of those aspects are ADHD, FTR. You should be able to go out with your friends! Why do you maintain he is a great guy, despite those traits (I'm really asking)?
Good luck, and be safe!
ADHDMomof2
Re: The Good, The Bad, and The Paranoid
Submitted by KrazyKrysi on
ADHDMomof2,
I think I wasn't clear about the violence. He isn't violent towards me - or anyone. He will occasionally throw things at the wall, etc. Never towards another person. We do have children. We have a son who is 5 and I am expecting our 2nd son.
I say that he's a great guy because he's kind and loving and a great dad - when things are good. When his stress level is low, and when things are going well in general, he's awesome. It seems like, when he gets a little stress, it all piles on at once for him. He tends to sweat the small stuff - and the big stuff. It also seems like it comes in cycles or waves. Things will be good for a couple of weeks, then tension and stress will start to build...and build...and build...over the course of a couple of weeks and he gets more and more short tempered, and he has a harder time dealing. Then there will be an "explosion" - which ends up with us having a huge argument that starts over nothing, and escalates into hours and hours of yelling and arguing. Then he usually is better for another couple of weeks.
good, bad, paranoid
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Yep, sounds familiar. My ADHD husband has accused me for YEARS, for the most absurd things. He accuses me of taking his things "on purpose", or hiding things of his "on purpose". Why on earth would I even THINK of doing such a thing? Example:He comes in the living room, yells at me for hiding his hairbrush, I walk into the bathroom with him, look at the counter, and next to the sink is............ YEP ............HIS BRUSH. I pick it up and hand it to him......and to that he says....."Why did you hide it on me?" "You're always doing that to me". I want to pull MY own hair out, I'm surprised I'm not bald.
He also accused everyone in the house here of going upstairs and messing with his computer, because he was getting charged for things he couldn't account for. NONE of us went up there. The Wi-Fi has been turned off for almost 2 months, So when he got on the phone with computer tech service technicians, the service people found issues with HIS computer. He did it HIMSELF.
-Also, my husband is another one who won't tell the doctor everything that's happening with him. He tells half-truths, or doesn't say the truth at all. And, yes, he has blamed me for his anxiety and stress, when it's really the under-treated ADHD that's causing most of his problems. He DID get new medications today, which I hope help. The last time the doctor changed his meds, he got MUCH WORSE. (that was 6 months ago) I pray to God this helps. His ADHD symptoms have been getting MUCH worse the older he gets. (he's 58 now) I can't take much more. I'm worn out.
Sometimes it's funny...
Submitted by KrazyKrysi on
I hate to say this, but sometimes I just have to laugh at how ridiculous his behavior can be. I can see that it would get worse with age. Dedelight4, I hope the new medications help. I am waiting to see how my husband is going to do now that he has finally gotten on medication.
thanks KrazyKrysi
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Didn't see your comment until just now. Thanks a bunch. I also hope the new meds help. But, he HAS GOT to get into behavioral therapy to make the much larger differences in his/our lives. :)
understand
Submitted by coco8712 on
my bf does the same accuses me of cheating saying he has dreams of me being with a security guard from work or a guy which is funny im alone in a room all night. He too is a good guy for a short while when things are good they are awsome but oh when hes stressed or mad or insecure i feel the wrath and anger. i dont even look in a direction of a male anymore hell say im checking him out or get jealous or more insecure and throw comments at me for weeks won let it go. i hate this adhd its not fun :( i cant ever win ! ive saddly learned to go with it and allow it but im in a situation hes accusing me of cheating im not , i wont admit to something im not doing . im standing my ground and hope it goes well but when can we walk away and feel okay ? i dont think hell realize what i am and how lucky he is , he wont change hes 37 and stubborn hes stuck in his ways good luck to his next victim :(
Reply to understand
Submitted by KrazyKrysi on
coco8712
I don't mean to sound harsh, but you referred to this guy as your boyfriend. I'm assuming that you aren't married and don't have any children with this man. If this is his behaviour, and you're only dating, my advice is to get out - because marriage won't fix the problem, only escalate it. Before we were married, my husband wasn't nearly as bad towards me. The signs were there, little things. One time, he accused me of checking someone else out when we were in a store. On that particular day, I was looking at another guy, not checking him out though - I kept thinking that he looked familiar and I was looking at him trying to figure out where I knew him from. I wasn't attracted to they guy at all, and I wasn't looking at him in that way. But, because I was looking at him, I let this incident go - thinking he was over-reacting to something I was doing that he didn't understand. I did not have any idea about all of his issues.
I do realize that most of my husband's jealousy issues stem from his 1st marriage - his ex-wife cheated for a long time before he found out. He said he had blindly trusted her, and he would never make that mistake again. I understood that, anytime someone has been burned they will have a scar. I just didn't know about the ADHD and all of the issues. The real issues didn't come to light until after we were married, well into my first pregnancy. After the baby was born, it got worse.
Bottom line is, if you aren't married, then leave - without guilt. This man is not going to change or get better without help. If he doesn't see his problems, then he won't be willing to get help. Even if he does get help, the first time you do anything that he can use against you, he will use it. "I'm going to stop trying because , if you aren't willing to try/help me, then why should I" (that is my experience - that's what my husband told me after I forgot to remind him about his Dr's appt and he missed it).
You shouldn't have to go with it. Never admit that you are did / said / thought / felt something that you did not do / say / think / feel. That is giving in. Truly with all of my heart I am telling you to leave this man. You can not fix him. No one else can fix him either - he has to do it himself. Chances are that if you do leave him, he's not going to take this as a sign that he needs to get help. He's not going to miss you so much that he tries to do get the help he needs to change. On top of his ADHD, he probably has narcissistic tendencies (see info below about Narcissism). He might try to manipulate you into coming back by pretending to change for a little while - but what he's really doing is attempting to control the situation and you because he doesn't like the fact that ultimately your behavior is beyond his control - this is also where the jealousy and accusations come from - he is using emotional manipulation to control something (in this case, you) that he has no control over. If he can't easily get you back this way, then he will move on to someone else, and the cycle will repeat. If he puts forth any effort to get you back at all, it will be minimal, as he isn't capable of more, because he sees himself as too good for you. (By the way, he's not too good for you, you are too good for him).
Narcissists have the following characteristics:
Positive: Narcissists think they are better than others.
Inflated: Narcissists' views tend to be contrary to reality. In measures that compare self-report to objective measures, narcissists' self-views tend to be greatly exaggerated.
Agentic: Narcissists’ views tend to be most exaggerated in the agentic domain, relative to the communion domain (basically this means a micro-manager or control freak).
Special: Narcissists perceive themselves to be unique and special people.
Selfish: Research upon narcissists’ behaviour in resource dilemmas supports the case for narcissists as being selfish.
Oriented toward success: Narcissists are oriented towards success by being, for example, approach oriented
My final thought for you: Don't struggle with trying to find normalcy and happiness in what you have. Leave and you will be much happier. You should not have to modify your behaviour because you're boyfriend has issues. Find happiness elsewhere.
This part is NOT ADHD
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<<
He too is a good guy for a short while when things are good they are awsome but oh when hes stressed or mad or insecure i feel the wrath and anger. i dont even look in a direction of a male anymore hell say im checking him out or get jealous or more insecure and throw comments at me for weeks won let it go. i hate this adhd its not fun :( i cant ever win
<<<<
this isn't ADHD. Your BF may have ADHD, but the above is NOT ADHD.
People here on this forum need to understand that while some people may "only" have ADHD, the serious issues that people are writing about here often involve OTHER issues.....personality disorders, bi-polar disorder, depression, anxiety, etc.
This part is not ADHD, it's likely something more serious....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>>>
Low frustration tolerance - he can't stand for things to not go 100% smoothly
Frequent mood swings - one minute he's the greatest guy ever, and the next he's SO angry at me (or someone) about nothing
Hot temper - like I said, he gets SO angry, sometimes violent, over NOTHING.
Trouble coping with stress - that's the understatement of the year
Unstable relationships - every day is a struggle for our marriage - and he doesn't seem to be able to maintain close friendships.
<<<
My H has all of the above and the paranoia These parts are why he's been Dx'd with an Axis II Personality Disorder, along with ADHD, some OCD, anxiety and depression.
Your H needs to see a Clinical Therapist who specializes in personality disorders. If your H won't likely be honest about "how bad he is," then you need to go with and explain.
It took a LONG time for my H to get a Dx because he would LIE about what he was doing. He'd go see therapists and say, "Im the nicest guy in the world, " and because he's fine sitting in a T's office when it's just him and the T chatting, those T's didn't see his dark side.
However, once a T asked to meet me, and I went for several sessions, H's ugly side flared and the T was SHOCKED. Here was this man who had portrayed himself as "goody two shoes" for months suddenly raging, swearing, and calling me names.
People who have PD's are typically FINE when life has no hiccups. They are typically fine when they are talking to someone who knows nothing about the "real person." But, once they are talking to people who "know them truly," then the anger flares.
My advice....get out. GET OUT NOW.
It only gets WORSE, much WORSE, when you're in a relationship with someone with a PD. And if he has NPD or Borderline PD, then expect that your prized possessions will be destroyed when he becomes angry at you. This is how things WILL GO. These people hurt DEEPLY and over nothing. They get a fleeting relief of pain when they lash out. When they destroy something that is important to YOU, that gives them a moment of relief.
TWICE, my H has thrown out over half of my closet , thrown the items into an unknown dumpster. He has purposely broken a computer of mine, he has threatened to destroy my TV, etc.....all in anger. If I don't do whatever he demands, he threatens to break something of mine. If I don't come home when he demands, he threatens to take my pets to an unknown shelter.
I can't leave because he threatens to destroy my business if I did. And he would . This is classic personality disorder. That's why you have to leave now...before he can really hurt you. There are books that detail how hard it can be to leave a spouse with a PD because of how horrible they will respond in a divorce. That is why you have to leave NOW.
Has it always been this bad you are probably asking? No. The first few years there were some red flags, but nothing that really warned me. But about 5 years into the relationship, things starting getting worse. By about 15 years into the marriage, things became unbearable. The last 17 years have been hell. Yes, there are many good days, but the bad days are too frequent (at least once a week) and the "cost" to me, my things, etc, is just horrible.
BTW....If you do leave, then before you do, quietly get your valuable things out first. Also, contact your friends and family and instruct them to not answer or respond to any of his attempts to contact them (because that is something a PD person will do....as an attempt to hurt you. Your friends/family must promise to never talk or communicate with him. (one thing a PD person will do is try to "tell all your secrets" to your friends/family to hurt you. If they won't accept his communications or read is texts/emails, then his efforts would be thwarted.
Once you have your valuables out, and you can cleanly leave and go "no contact," do. Do not let him know where you will be going.
Reading this, my heart just
Submitted by AlmaVera on
Reading this, my heart just hurts for you, OW. You're in my thoughts. I just hope that someday there will be some way that you can get out from under his thumb and have some peace.