[Author’s Note: Melissa Orlov describes an ADHD symptom/response/response dynamic that can work to disrupt marriages. I give the following story as a possible illustration. We knew nothing about ADHD until one of my sons and then my wife were diagnosed three years ago.]
Twenty-six years ago while living together in a Northeast City, my fiancé and I decided it would be wonderfully fun and romantic to have a small Caribbean Destination wedding. I invited twelve family and friends from all around the country while my wife invited a similar number based in her Midwestern City. All my family and friends quickly accepted (and I guess the prospect of flying to the Caribbean for the weekend beat flying to Midwestern City in the very late Fall.) My fiancé’s family was quite different. They had expected the ceremony to be in their Midwestern City as had all previous family weddings. When each of our families’ youngest sibling could not come up with the airfare we agreed to pay for their tickets (we were already paying for all lodging at rented villas.) Then within my fiancé’s family extensive squabbling began among the sisters that the youngest got to go for free while the others had to pay. (I’d hear about this after my wife had spoken with one of the sisters or her Mom.) During one of those conversations my fiancé told one of the sisters ‘in confidence’ that my fiancé thought her family might be ‘dysfunctional’ (remember that ‘90’s buzzword?). Thereafter sister X told sister Y what my fiancé had said and sister Y immediately called their Mom and repeated same. Huge kerfuffle occurred. My wife was enraged that sister X had ‘betrayed her confidence’ and now wanted none of them to be at the wedding. So my fiancé demanded that I uninvite my family and friends and cancel the reservation on the villas. Since she was to be my wife and I wanted ‘to make her happy’ I did as she requested. We got married at a resort in the Caribbean without any of our family or friends present.
My ‘takeaway’ from this was anger at her sisters for using their ‘gossip machine’ to undermine our wedding. They achieved their seeming primary goal of not having to pay for tickets to the Caribbean but did not get their secondary goal of moving the ceremony to Midwestern City. My now wife’s family wanted to host a reception for us in a very nice location in Midwestern City. I agreed to add a Midwestern City leg to our return journey and to attend the reception ‘to make my wife happy’ even though I was angry the family had disrupted our wedding plan.
Upon return from the wedding and settling in Northeast City I resolved that the ‘gossip machine’ was evil and must be avoided at all costs. I was stunned to learn that my wife immediately reinstated participation in the ‘gossip machine’ with her family. Despite my requests to my wife to keep our marital conversations confidential seemingly anything I told my wife would almost immediately be interpreted and transmitted into the ‘gossip machine’ regardless of how personal the information. As a relatively private guy I was mortified even private ‘hopes and dreams’ would be so published. In response, for the length of our marriage I would always gauge the possible catastrophic RSD feedback loop (see fiancé’s reaction to ‘dysfunction’ comment) and couch any response to ‘how do you feel about…’ questions.
My wife always resented how ‘uncommunicative’ I am but almost any comment I make is interpreted as an ‘attack’ and a RSD ‘launch sequence’ begins.
The gossip machine
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, will it get better,
I don't see that the gossip machine has anything to do with ADHD, but here you are, so I am responding. I grew up in a dysfunctional family that sounds like your wife's family. There were no secrets. My mother pumped everyone about everything, using other family members to gather information if she could not get it directly. The cure? I realized what was happening, that my family was toxic to me and my marriage, and I stopped participating in the dysfunction. My family lost the ability to manipulate me.
Your wife has to see the situation for what it is. You can't make her do that. You can probably point it out gently when she is being pumped and manipulated for the family's entertainment, but it will likely make her anxious and defensive.
Regarding the 'how do you feel about' questions, have you tried saying you don't know or have to think about it, and immediately asking your wife how she feels about these things? Have you tried engaging her and getting her talking to you when she asks? Have you tried techniques like active listening, and asking questions like, 'how does that make you feel'?
All the best,
Angie
ADHD helps fuel the 'gossip machine'
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Angie,
I believe the ADHD aspect is that my wife can not resist the impulse to 'share' the latest info-nugget regardless of how I feel about that particular item or what she has previously committed to not sharing.. Her Mom has ADHD as does at least one of the other sisters. I have no hope that she even can 'realize what is happening' since she actively and obsessively (IMO) engages year after year (and decade after decade) even though her RSD reaction to the 'gossip machine' dismembered our wedding.
So I always find myself in a dilemma: 1) answer question truthfully ( A. knowing any answer will be interpreted and immediately sent to the 'gossip machine' plus B. RSD reaction to ANY answer can quickly mushroom into a 'relationship catastrophe' wherein the original topic is forgotten) or 2) attempt avoid giving an RSD prompting answer (A. successful weaseling gets me a 'You are uncommunicative...' ding which can lead to an hour of attempting to 'talk her off the emotionally hyperbolic RSD edge' or B. unsuccessful weaseling that launches an RSD session on original issue.) It's is exhausting and recurring.
Your technique suggestions are certainly useful. I characterize the 'I don't know' and 'Let me think about it' (above = 'weaseling') and have used them repeatedly (with marginal success). After taking Orlov's class I've tried the active listening with better results but my wife will recognize the technique and her RSD leads her to think she is being 'played'. Generally the 'active listening' results are better but when she ultimately does not get the response she wants her RSD ramps up.
I do not think the 'gossip machine' is an ADHD trait but is more likely to fueled by the ADHD impulse to 'give the juiciest latest news'. I see Facebook and other social media as examples of this common trait.
After a 15 minute lecture...
Submitted by adhd32 on
I think ADD H gets some satisfaction having a juicy tidbit. It is like an invisible power coin he can decide to spend when he needs an uplift. We went to a party and on the way there I had to endure 15 minutes of chastising by him to not mention a certain project that was going to be taking place in our home. We were at the party for about 20 minutes when I breezed past him and the guys all talking and guess what my big blabbermouth H was talking about? Owned up to it in the car ride home but boy oh boy was I angry with him!! H couldn't even live up to his own admonishments. I no longer share private info with him as I do not trust him to keep it private. He also has a tendency to withhold news from me and when he needs to get that power rush, offers dribs and drabs but never has all the details. I usually end up seeing whoever he had been talking about sometime later. Often I find out H only got half the details and a good deal of what he shared with me is only partly correct.